


Rock and Roll (Part I)

by flyy0ufools



Series: Zoso [3]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, First Time, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Prequel, Switching, i don't want to add too many spoilers, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2018-11-02 03:04:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 108,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10935669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyy0ufools/pseuds/flyy0ufools
Summary: Prequel toWhen the Levee BreaksandFour Sticks.Okay, so maybe Jared’s looks werepartlyto blame for the whole lust-at-first-sight thing. But who could blame Jensen? The guy washot. For a twenty-two year old kid. Who was most likely going to be playing Jensen’s youngerbrother.No, Jensen thought, Jared was off-limits.And fuck if that didn’t make Jensen just want him that much more.





	1. Prologue

Jensen had never believed in love at first sight, and meeting Jared at the audition for Supernatural certainly didn’t change that. _Lust_ at first sight, however…

Jensen had experienced that before, but never to the extent that he was right now. The kicker was, it wasn’t Jared’s looks that had Jensen so deeply enthralled just minutes into their introduction—sure, he was hot, if a bit young and green. No, it was something else.

It was his lazy Texas drawl, one Jensen recognized right away, making his stomach roll and his heart squeeze and his brain think _home_ , one that Jared didn’t even try to tamper down the way Jensen had so painfully learned how to many years ago. It was his ripped jeans and pink (pink!) tee shirt, a direct and stark contrast to Jensen’s pressed gray pants and sharp black button-down. It was how, when he smiled, his eyes scrunched up just a little and those devilish, up-to-no-good dimples came out to play. It was those long, tan muscles, lean and lanky now but just waiting for a few years and a few pounds and…

Okay, so maybe Jared’s looks were _partly_ to blame for the whole lust-at-first-sight thing. But who could blame Jensen? The guy was _hot_. For a twenty-two year old kid. Who was most likely going to be playing Jensen’s younger _brother_.

No, Jensen thought, Jared was off-limits.

And fuck if that didn’t make Jensen just want him that much more.


	2. Barbeque

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And more and more he felt like that with Jared—completely out of his element, sure that he was missing some critical piece of information, though whether that piece he was missing was supposed to come from Jared or himself, Jensen wasn’t sure; he was a good liar, yes, and that included lying to himself.

Jensen found himself—when moments of boredom struck him and his mind wandered, as it tended to do quite often—making lists about every little part of Jared that Jensen found cute, or endearing, or goofy, or hot, or just plain _good_. The first time he realized he was doing this, he jerked out of his thoughts so hard he physically shuddered, weirded out by how much he was still thinking about the kid.

And really, he just couldn’t seem to get Jared off his mind, though if Jensen were being honest, he didn’t necessarily want to. One thirty-minute audition and a few beers afterwards, and Jared had officially been running on a permanent loop in Jensen’s mind for almost three weeks now. Jensen was frustrated, not just by his stupid brain constantly chanting _JaredJaredJared,_ soft but insistent in the back of his mind, but by the fact that Jared still hadn’t called him, and even more so by the fact that _Jensen_ couldn’t string together enough courage to call _Jared_ first.

And the longer Jensen waited, the bigger of a thing it became until he was worried that he had built Jared up so much in his mind over the last twenty days that he would be disappointed the next time they saw each other. And _that_ thought made Jensen even more hesitant to call Jared, not wanting to find out if it actually would ruin the image he had created; he wanted to hold onto it—onto _his_ Jared—just a little bit longer.

Not that Jared was his to have. They’d met _once_ for god’s sake. And sure, they had clicked immediately; and yes, they’d be working together for the foreseeable future, but…they’d met _once_! Jensen didn’t _do_ this, he didn’t get twisted up and spun around just from one person.

Except, apparently he did, if that person was Jared.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Turned out, Jensen had been stressing for absolutely no reason. Exactly twenty-three days after they’d parted ways outside the bar they’d hit up after the audition, Jared’s name was showing up on the caller ID of Jensen’s cell. He stared at it for a minute in shock before shaking himself into action, not wanting to wait too long to answer and accidentally send Jared to voicemail the first time he tried to call.

“Hello?” Jensen said, thinking that it was so stupid that people still answered their phones with a question, like they didn’t already know who was on the other end.

“Jen!” Jared sounded happy and a little breathless. “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” Jensen croaked. He cleared his throat and tried for casual-cool—something he most definitely was not in real life but was pretty damn good at pretending to be. “How’s it going, man?” His voice rang out much clearer and more confident that time, and Jensen smirked a little in satisfaction. But his smile slid off his face as Jared took just a second too long to answer, as if he’d been surprised and maybe a little disappointed by something. By Jensen.

“Uh, not bad,” Jared replied. His voice had lost that happy-breathless quality and Jensen immediately missed it, which was the only reason he could think of as to why he blurted out the next thing that popped into his head.

“You wanna get some barbeque? You like barbeque, right? Oh hell, what am I even saying, you’re from Texas! Of course you like barbeque. But do you like me—I mean, would you want to go get some with me? Today, or…y’know, tomorrow. Whenever you’re hungry, but you’re like always hungry, I think, it seems like, so today would be better—” Jensen snapped his mouth shut before he could shove his other foot into it to join the one he’d just put there. He hadn’t babbled like that in…well, ever. He just didn’t _do_ that. He quickly stopped caring when Jared answered him, though, and this time much faster.

“Dude! Yeah, of course,” Jared giggled, he fucking _giggled_ , and Jensen felt himself melt a little at that sound. What the hell was happening to him? But he didn’t have time to ponder that question because Jared was still talking. “Do you know a good place? Because I’ve been looking ever since I got here and I keep getting disappointed. Everywhere I’ve tried, they’re not bad but they’re not _Texas_ good, y’know?”

“Yeah, I know,” Jensen replied breathlessly. And now he had something else to worry about, because what if the restaurant he chose was one Jared had already tried and didn’t like?

“So,” Jared urged, “what’s the place? We can meet there or I can, you know, pick you up? If that’s okay. I mean, I’m already out, was just running a few errands and yeah, I actually am starving. So…?”

“Oh, um…yeah, you can pick me up,” Jensen said, feeling slightly dazed. Jared chuckled.

“Okay, but you’re gonna have to tell me the name of the restaurant at some point so I can actually drive us there,” he joked. Jensen’s laugh was high-pitched and nervous. “You okay?” Jared asked, his tone dipping low, and wow, that did funny things to Jensen’s stomach and…areas lower than that.

“Uh, yeah, yeah, of course,” he choked out. “I’ll text you my address?”

“Cool. See ya in thirty or so,” Jared said, easy excitement in his voice. Jensen wished he could be like that, show his goofiness and nerdiness and eagerness whenever it hit him, without worrying about how the people around him would react.

Well, he decided, if there was anyone he could be like that with, maybe it was Jared.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Thankfully, Jared hadn’t heard of this particular hole-in-the-wall barbeque joint, which gave Jensen renewed hope that it might meet some of Jared’s culinary expectations.

“This place looks awesome, Jen,” Jared said immediately after they stepped inside. Jensen’s insides fluttered strangely at the nickname—he’d always vehemently refused to let any of his other friends call him anything but _Jensen_ —but he liked the sound of it coming from Jared’s lips.

“Yeah, I hope you like it. I, uh,” he chuckled at his earlier mini-freakout about the restaurant. “I was worried that I was just gonna take you to a place you’d already been to and didn’t like, so…” Jared looked at him strangely.

“I wouldn’t have cared, Jen. I wasn’t really concerned with the quality of the food so much as just…” Jared seemed flustered for the first time since they’d met, his hands fluttering around, twisting together before shooting up to run through his hair, then back down to tug at his (pink, again, but a different one) shirt. “Just, y’know, getting to hang out with you?”

“Oh,” Jensen said in surprise, but before he could respond with more than monosyllabic words, a host beckoned them forward, leading them to a booth in the back.

“Smells amazing,” Jared said after they sat down. They were closer to the kitchen here, and they were definitely getting a good whiff of the delicious food they were about to have.

“Tastes even better,” Jensen promised.

“Yeah?” Jared quirked his eyebrow at Jensen; he shifted uncomfortably under the penetrating gaze and the tone of that one word, feeling raw and exposed like he hadn’t in a really long time. He coughed and was saved from making a fumbling attempt to change the subject when a waiter appeared at their table.

“Hey guys, can I get you something to drink?” They both ordered beers and Jensen ordered two of the fried pickles appetizer, not bothering to look at the menu. He’d been here a hundred times, he knew what was good (everything) and he wanted to…he wasn’t sure. Impress Jared? But that was a little weird. Make Jared feel at ease? No, because Jared felt at ease everywhere, Jensen could already tell that. It was one of the (many) Jared-qualities that Jensen had been thinking about over the last three weeks.

“So, what’s your favorite?” Jared asked like it was some kind of test.

“You doubting my tastes, Padalecki?” Jensen scoffed.

“Just seeing if eight years in California has softened you up and melted the Texas out of you,” Jared bantered back. And that image was one that Jensen didn’t need, not here in public with Jared sitting right across from him.

“Uh, um…” And there was that eyebrow quirk of Jared’s again. Jensen could feel himself flush a little and he quickly looked down at the menu.

“Pulled pork sandwich,” he finally managed to get out. “Obviously,” he added, scrambling to hold together his crumbling casual-cool façade.

“Ah, looks like L.A. hasn’t ruined your taste buds yet, at least.”

“Dude, you never forget the taste of Texas,” Jensen said absently. His head shot up when he fully processed how what he just said sounded, and there was that damn eyebrow _again_ , this time accompanied by a sinful smirk.

“No, you don’t,” Jared agreed, his voice low and rough, his own cheeks decidedly pinker than they had been two minutes ago.

Their waiter saved Jensen again—seriously, he was going to get a huge tip—and the arrival of beer and fried food seemed to push their innuendo-laden conversation out of Jared’s mind. Jensen, however, couldn’t seem to shake it from his own thoughts, and the memory of Jared’s expression right before they’d been interrupted kept Jensen’s muscles slightly tensed and his skin permanently flushed for the remainder of their meal.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Someone named Sandy called,” Jensen said when Jared returned from the bathroom and sat back down. Jared’s eyes flicked quickly to his phone that he’d left sitting out on the table. “Sorry,” Jensen mumbled, suddenly feeling guilty and maybe a little…disappointed? “I didn’t mean to look, it was just habit and…”

“That’s okay,” Jared said. He didn’t sound angry or embarrassed or anything; maybe a little worried, though. Not worried that Jensen had looked, more like worried that Jensen had _seen_. There was a difference between those two things, Jensen could tell; he just wasn’t sure what that difference meant.

“I’ll call her back later,” Jared said with a shrug, pushing his phone away from the fresh beer the waiter just brought over. Instead of pocketing his phone, though, he kept it sitting on the table like he had nothing to hide, and Jensen didn’t know why but that made him kind of happy.

“So,” he cleared his throat, trying to sound causal and not too nosy (or even worse, jealous), “who’s Sandy?”

“Oh, uh,” Jared looked up from his sandwich, his expression one Jensen couldn’t decipher. So Jensen took a drag from his own bottle, hoping it hid the tight, itchy fidgetiness he was feeling at the moment. “She’s my…friend,” Jared said, drawing out the last word like it there was an underlying meaning to it that Jensen was supposed to get. He didn’t, but he was a good liar.

“Oh, gotcha,” he said with a nod. Jared smiled brightly and sagged a little with what looked like relief. Which was strange, and Jensen didn’t know what to do with that information.

And more and more he felt like that with Jared—completely out of his element, sure that he was missing some critical piece of information, though whether that piece he was missing was supposed to come from Jared or himself, Jensen wasn’t sure; he was a good liar, yes, and that included lying to himself. But right now was not the time for introspection and self-discovery (in his opinion, no time was the right time for that), so he took another swig of beer and focused back in on Jared’s voice and whatever he had started rambling about in between huge bites of pulled pork and fries.

Jensen had never felt so much like someone was about to eat him alive. That scared him shitless, but fuck if he wasn’t strung tight with heart-pounding anticipation.

He didn’t examine that too closely, though. He wasn’t quite ready to acknowledge what it might mean.


	3. Baseball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He raised his bottle of beer towards Jensen in cheers then brought it to his mouth and tipped it up. Jensen watched, unable to tear his eyes away as Jared’s Adam’s apple bobbed and he swallowed the rest of the drink in one long pull. Jensen wondered if Jared would look like that sucking his cock, his throat moving so beautifully and his mouth catching every single drop of Jensen’s release, swallowing it down with the same fervor.

It surprised Jensen that he and Jared had never run into each other before, considering how long they’d both worked for the WB. And now that they’d met, it was like Jensen couldn’t _stop_ running into Jared. In between the audition, shooting for the pilot, and moving up to Vancouver for filming the first thirteen episodes, Jensen attended a handful of network events. At each one, immediately when he arrived he could tell if Jared was there, like his bones were specially tuned to his new coworker.

That freaked Jensen out a little bit, being a Jared-divining rod, but he secretly wondered (deep, _deep_ down in the place in his mind that he was currently trying very hard to _not_ examine) if Jared had a Jensen-sixth sense as well. Because half of the time at those events, before Jensen could go looking for him, Jared would pop up suddenly at his side. The first time this happened, Jensen was taken by surprise so much that he jumped and sloshed his drink down his shirt, which then caused Jared to crack up so loudly that everyone in the immediate vicinity turned to stare at them. And Jensen…he didn’t even _care_ , except…he had _always_ cared about something like that; if it had been anyone else but Jared to cause him to do that _and then laugh about it_ , Jensen would have glared daggers at them while using napkins to try and mop up his shirt as best as possible before wondering around and looking for someone he knew who might take pity on him and help him procure a dry top.

But this was Jared, so he didn’t glare or grumble or storm off; he just stood there, a dumb smile on his face as a chuckle escaped his throat. Even though Jared was laughing at him, Jensen didn’t feel like Jared was _laughing at him_ ; it was so good-natured and Jensen could hear the unguarded affection in Jared’s loud guffaws and occasional (completely adorable) snorts.

“Jared! What’d you do?” came high, sweet voice from behind Jensen. He turned to see a girl standing there, arms crossed but a look of amusement on her face. She was short and cute as a button, with long dark hair and smooth tan skin. She was—

“Sandy!” Jared smiled.

Jensen hated her immediately.

“Jared,” Sandy greeted him, her eyes lighting up even more before she turned to Jensen. “And I’m guessing you’re Jensen?” Jensen nodded silently, completely dumbstruck with disappointment. “Jared’s told me so much about you!”

“Oh, um…” Jensen wasn’t sure what to say, so he just quickly grasped the hand that Sandy had stuck out to him to shake before releasing it and trying very hard not to rub his palm on his pants.

“Sandy McCoy,” she said.

“Hi, uh, Jensen. Ackles,” he replied. He looked down at his wet shirt, suddenly feeling stupid and a little angry. “I should…yeah, I gotta go. Sorry. Nice to meet you, Sandy,” Jensen said. He turned around to face Jared again, who had a small frown on his face.

“Jen, we could probably find you another shirt—“

“No, it’s okay, Jared. Besides, you should spend some time with Sandy. I’ll see you later.” Jensen smiled quickly and walked away before Jared had a chance to respond.

“Jensen! Wait!” He could hear Jared calling after him, but Jensen slipped farther into the crowd and Jared’s voice was lost to the sounds of the people all around him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen had been home such a short amount of time that he swore the sound of his door slamming hard behind him was still reverberating throughout the house when a knock came at that same door. Jensen hadn’t had time to change clothes, though that was partly because he’d headed straight to his fridge for some beer, downing the first two bottles within minutes. He was currently halfway through his third bottle, and he stumbled a little as he left the kitchen to go tell whoever was pounding incessantly as his door to fuck off. Jensen was not in the mood.

That became even more true when the door swung open to reveal Jared, standing breathless on his stoop, a smile and a look of concern warring for dominance on his face.

“Jared?”

“Jensen!” Jared didn’t bother to wait for an invitation before pushing his way inside. “Dude, you shot out of there like your ass was on fire. What’s the deal?”

Jensen blinked, furiously trying to think of a non-lame excuse that would also not reveal his immature jealousy of Sandy. The beers he’d just chugged down weren’t really helping.

“I, uh, my shirt,” he said dumbly, pointing unnecessarily to the huge wet spot that was causing the fabric to stick uncomfortably to his chest. His brain finally kicked into gear, allowing him to form an actual sentence. “Whatever that drink was, I think it was half-sugar. It’s really sticky. Need a shower.”

“Oh!” Jared said, concern evaporating almost instantly.

Jensen was starting to get the feeling that Jared’s mood was tied closely to how Jensen was feeling. Though…that didn’t really make sense. Sure, they were friends, and Jared was obviously a very sympathetic person in general. But Jared had left the party (and his _girlfriend_ , Jensen reminded himself) and driven fifteen minutes to Jensen’s house just because he was worried about Jensen spilling a drink on himself. Even Jensen couldn’t talk himself out of thinking that was maybe something Jared didn’t do for just anyone.

“Well, hop to it, pretty boy,” Jared joked, and wow, if anyone else had called Jensen ‘pretty boy’ they’d immediately get a black eye courtesy of his right fist. But when Jared said it, it didn’t sound like in insult or an unwelcome insinuation; it sounded like an endearment.

“I mean…I was just gonna stay home,” Jensen replied.

“Oh, no way! Eric saw you leave and he told me, and I quote,” Jared closed his eyes, an almost comical look of concentration on his face, “‘It’s only 9pm so you tell Jensen to get his ass back here or I will have some witch permanently change Dean to Deanna, and if I can’t find the perfect actress for the role I will make him wear drag!’” He opened his eyes and smiled, but Jensen’s stomach dropped.

So that’s why Jared had come after Jensen, because of Eric. Although if that were the case, why didn’t Jared just call him? He could have easily told him all that over the phone…

“Besides,” Jared continued, interrupting Jensen’s whirling vortex of doubts and uncertainties, “you left me there all alone to fend for myself! You can’t do that, you jerk.” Jared was smiling, no heat behind the accusation.

“You weren’t alone. Sandy was there,” Jensen pointed out, hoping the bitterness he was feeling wasn’t evident in his voice.

“Psh,” Jared said, waving his comment away. “ _So_ not the same, Jen.” He studied Jensen intently while Jensen tried to smooth out his expression of disbelief. “You…you get that, right? You understand what I mean?”

“Sure,” Jensen said with a shrug and head nod. Jared looked at him skeptically.

“Jensen—“

“I’m gonna grab a quick shower,” Jensen said, cutting Jared off because he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what Jared had to say yet, wasn’t sure he wanted Jared to put explicit parameters around their relationship. Because as long as everything was left vague and undefined, Jensen could still hope. Just a little bit. And he knew that was pathetic, and he still was trying to convince himself that he wasn’t even sure what he was hoping for, still not examining it too closely. Because…no.

“O-okay, um, I’ll wait down here?” Jared suddenly looked uncomfortable, and Jensen hated that. Hated the image of Jared looking anything other than completely at ease in Jensen’s home. And…yeah, Jensen had to push away the deeper meaning to that thought, too.

“I’ll be quick, but feel free to watch some TV or whatever,” Jensen said. “Obviously, Jay. Just…make yourself at home. And there’s beer in the fridge.” Jared’s body visibly relaxed and Jensen only just realized how tense Jared had been.

“K. And hey, if you’re quick, we might have some time to hang out here before going back. I mean, if you want,” Jared said hopefully, his puppy dog eyes hitting Jensen full-force. God, this kid was going to be the death of him.

“Sure, Jay,” Jensen said quietly. He offered a small smile before heading down the hallway to his room.

Before going inside, he glanced back into the living room. Jared was just coming back from the kitchen, beer in one hand and a bag of Twizzlers in the other. He hopped over the back of the couch, landing awkwardly and bouncing slightly on the cushions. He grabbed the remote off the coffee table and turned the TV on, set his beer down, and tore gleefully into the bag of candy. Jensen had recently taken to buying different types of candy every time he went grocery shopping. The way Jared’s eyes had lit up the first time he’d discovered a huge bag of Smarties was instantaneously addictive to Jensen, and he just couldn’t seem to get enough of it. It became his mission to see that smile on Jared’s lips and that look of pure delight in Jared’s eyes as often as possible.

Jensen stepped inside his bedroom and closed the door softly. He shucked his shirt into the laundry basket and laid his pants out on the bed; they had been spared from the great drink mishap, and Jensen decided they were fine to wear for the rest of the night. He removed his socks and boxer briefs and went into his on-suite bathroom, not bothering to close that door. He started the shower and jumped in once the water was warm. He kept his hair out of the spray in favor of just washing his torso off. He realized he probably could have done this at the sink just as easily, but that didn’t really matter now.

Jensen realized he was naked and in the shower and _Jared was in his house_ , sitting on his couch and drinking his beer and eating his food, and Jensen had to force himself not to reach for his rapidly-hardening cock. So what if Jared occasionally made an appearance in Jensen’s jerk-off fantasies? He couldn’t really control where his brain went when he was doing that (hell, occasionally a girl would pop into his head even though Jensen was completely gay, so he figured his brain just tended to spaz out when he was masturbating), but jerking off when Jared was in his house felt like Jensen was crossing a line that he wasn’t sure he was ready to cross yet.

He leaned forward, his hands pressed against the tile as the water rained down on his back. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, willing his erection down to half hard. Frustrated, he turned the water as cold as possible and stood under that as long as he could bear (which was only about thirty seconds), but it did its job and killed Jensen’s erection completely.

He rushed to dry off and get dressed, quickly checking the mirror to make sure the shower hadn’t messed up his hair that he’d put an embarrassing amount of time and effort into styling earlier. If Jensen let himself, he could stand in front of the mirror for an hour and still not have catalogued all of his perceived physical flaws; as for his _mental_ flaws, well…he wasn’t touching that subject with a ten-foot pole. He gave himself one last all-over check, trying to view himself as objectively as possible before deciding that he at least looked presentable.

It had only taken Jensen ten minutes to clean himself up, but when he got to his living room he found Jared sprawled out on the couch and laughing loudly at something someone on the TV had just said. Jared looked like he was fully prepared to spend the rest of the evening right there parked on his couch, but Jensen knew better. Still, he could enjoy this for half an hour, right?

“Jay.” Jared looked over at Jensen and his mouth dropped open a little.

“Holy shit, your eyes look so green!”

“Oh, yeah,” Jensen shuffled and looked down with embarrassment. “It’s probably just the shirt.” It was one his sister had gotten him for his birthday, a simple lightweight button-down in a hunter green color. And Jensen only knew that color because Mac had told him. She’d also said that Jensen should wear green every chance he got because it made his eyes look ‘ridiculously mesmerizing’ (her words, _not_ his).

“Dude…” Jared crawled off the couch and walked slowly over to Jensen. He reached out and fingered the soft cotton of the shirt, his thumb tracing one of the buttons. “You should _only_ wear this. Like, ever.”

“That could get a little smelly,” Jensen joked, trying to break up the weirdly-charged mood that had fallen over the room.

“Mmm,” Jared replied, obviously still distracted by Jensen’s shirt.

“Uh, so, how long do you want to hang out here? We probably should head back soon so that we don’t give Eric an aneurism. And I’m sure Sandy’s looking for you.”

Jared looked up, locking gazes with Jensen. “Why do you keep bringing Sandy up?”

“I—I thought, well, um…” Jensen trailed off. Why did he keep bringing her up? It was almost as if he enjoyed torturing himself.

“Dude, she was the one who lent me her car so that I drive over here.” Jensen raised his eyebrow in question. “I took a cab to the party because I wasn’t sure how much I might drink,” Jared explained. “Sometimes I get a little, uh, carried away.”

“Oh.” Oh? _Oh?_ That was all Jensen could think of to say? God, he felt like such a loser. A pathetic loser. The most frustrating part was, even though Jared was—well, technically Jensen’s _feelings_ for Jared (that he still refused to fully acknowledge) were—the reason behind his currently nonexistent self-confidence, somehow being around Jared made Jensen feel better, not worse.

“So, you like the candy?” he asked, changing the subject because he didn’t know what else to do.

“Uh, _yeah_! You know, you don’t have to buy all that just for me. I know you don’t really eat that stuff. But, I mean, I do really appreciate it.”

Jensen shrugged. “It’s not a problem, Jay. I don’t want you to starve when you come over.”

“Yeah, well…” Jared looked down shyly. “No one else has ever bought candy to keep at their house for me before.”

“Not even Sandy?” Jensen asked before he could shut himself up. Jared looked up at him, shyness replaced by irritation.

“Seriously man, why do you keep bringing up Sandy? Do you, uh…do you like, like her or something?”

“What? No!” Jensen sputtered. “No! Besides, I’m—” Jensen had almost told Jared that he was gay, but this time he managed to snap his mouth shut just in time. It was not something Jensen went around telling people, not in this town and in his line of work. He certainly trusted Jared enough to keep the secret, he just wasn’t sure how their friendship would change if Jared found out. And he couldn’t bear the thought of Jared pushing him away because of this, so he decided it was best to just keep it mum. It wasn't like… _that_ was a huge part of his life right now, anyway, so the chances of Jared finding out by accident were basically zero.

“You’re what, Jen?” Jared asked.

“I’m not interested in dating right now,” Jensen blurted out. It was true, with one exception. The one person that seemed to always be the exception for Jensen. “And even if I were, I’m not interested in Sandy, I swear. Okay?”

“Oh. You…oh. Um, okay. But, uh, how come you don’t wanna date right now? If you don’t mind me asking,” Jared added in a rush. Jensen decided to go for a little truth here, thinking that the honesty might keep Jared from asking more questions.

“Honestly? I—well, I kinda like someone but I don’t think they’re interested, or even available, and I guess I’m just not really interested in anyone else. And we’re moving to Vancouver soon so starting something with anyone else would be pointless.”

Jared scrunched his nose. It was fucking adorable. Jensen hoped he wasn’t too transparent, especially after telling Jared that. Because Jensen felt like it was _so_ obvious he was talking about Jared, but that’s because he couldn’t think of anyone else. He hoped that he kept the answer vague enough that, from an outside point of view, it sounded like he could be talking about anyone.

“Who, uh, who do you like?” Jared said, trying to sound casual but Jensen could hear the burning curiosity and something else in Jared’s voice. Jensen recognized the something else but he couldn’t seem to place it.

“Um…”

“Would I know them?” Jared must have seen how uncomfortable Jensen had become because he quickly backtracked. “Sorry man, I didn’t mean to be nosy. It’s not my business, you don’t have to tell me anything. I just meant…um, if you wanted to, y’know, talk about it or whatever, I’d be interested in listening.”

 _No, you wouldn’t_ , Jensen thought. _Not if you knew the truth_. “Thanks, Jay, but…I don’t think it’s gonna go anywhere, so…” He shrugged, faking indifference.

“Well, if the person doesn’t like you then they’re pretty damn stupid,” Jared said.

“I mean, they like me,” Jensen said, “just not in that way. I don’t think.”

“You don’t think? Like you don’t know because you never told them?” Jared asked. Jensen nodded. “Well…if you don’t think it’s gonna go anywhere anyways then what’s the harm in at least telling them how you feel?”

“I don’t wanna lose their friendship,” Jensen said. “It means too much.” And yeah, Jensen just realized, Jared’s friendship meant so much to him that he’d rather suffer in silence indefinitely than reveal his feelings and take the chance of losing Jared completely.

“Why do you assume they would stop being friends with you, even if they didn’t feel the same way? Because, in my opinion, anybody who would throw away your friendship because of that is an asshole and never really deserved you in the first place,” Jared said harshly.

“Whoa, Jay, down boy. I appreciate the… _enthusiasm_ , but I can take care of myself. And I _don’t_ know that they would stop being my friend, but I don’t want to find out. Because that would suck and it would hurt and I don’t think I could handle being rejected by them both romantically _and_ friendlily.” Jensen knew he had already said way too much, but it felt kind of nice being able to talk about this, even if he was pouring his heart out to the (admittedly unwitting) metaphorical devil himself.

“Wait… _friendlily_? Is that even a word?” Jensen stared at him. _That’s_ what Jared decided to focus on? So maybe Jensen didn’t need to worry about Jared figuring out he was the person that Jensen liked. Apparently Jared had some blind spots.

“Uh, yeah? I mean, it’s in the dictionary, so…”

“How do you even know that?”

“It’s an important word!”

“What? _How?_ ”

“Okay, give me one synonym for ‘in a friendly manner’,” Jensen said.

“Are you actually giving me a vocabulary quiz right now?” Jared asked in disbelief.

“Yes. And I’m waiting.”

“Fine, you loon. You’re so weird. Besides, it’s not that hard. Um…” Jared paused and tilted his head up slightly, eyes squinting in thought. “Uh…” Jensen leaned against the back of the couch, his arms crossed smugly not just from Jared humoring him but also for changing the subject without Jared noticing.

“Ha! Got one!” Jared said, pointing at Jensen triumphantly.

When Jared didn’t say anything else, Jensen asked, “You waiting for an engraved invitation, or…?”

“You’re mean sometimes,” Jared pouted, his bottom lip sticking out. For a heart stopping moment Jensen thought Jared was being serious. Jensen knew he could be incredibly sarcastic and that his sense of humor tended to be of the desert-dry variety, but he was always very careful never to wander into ‘mean humor’ territory.

“Sorry, Jay, I—I wasn’t—” Jensen scrubbed at his face, and when he dropped his hands down he caught the evil grin on Jared’s face.

“Platonically.”

“Huh?” Jensen asked, confused.

“Platonically. You wanted a synonym for, uh, friendlily,” Jared shook his head and rolled his eyes, “and I gave you one.”

“Platonically?”

“Platonically.”

“Platonically…”

“Uh, can we stop?” Jared asked. “It’s just, it’s starting not to sound like a word anymore that kind of creeps me out.”

“You have a phobia of saying a word so much that it stops sounding like a word?”

“It’s not a _phobia_ ,” Jared said indignantly. “It’s just a…pet peeve.”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to peeve you off,” Jensen said, “Platonically speaking.”

“ _Jensen_!” Jared whined, his hands clapping over his ears. And oh god, Jensen thought it was the cutest thing he had ever seen. And _of course_ Jared wouldn’t be scared of normal things like snakes or heights or something. Not once had Jared been predictable, and Jensen didn’t know why he’d thought that that wouldn’t be true for something like this as well, no matter how random it was.

“You are so fucking cute,” Jensen whispered daringly, except Jared’s hands were still clamped over his ears so he couldn’t hear, and judging by the questioning look on his face, he couldn’t read lips either.

“Are you done saying that word?” Jared asked loudly, unable to hear his own decibel level. Jensen took pity on him and reached out to gently tug Jared’s hands away from his head.

“I’m done, I promise. But I gotta ask, do you have any other, uh… _unusual_ pho—I mean, pet peeves?”

“Do you?” Jared countered, and Jensen blushed. “You do!” Jared cackled when he saw Jensen’s skin turn pink. “Oh, man. You gotta tell me!”

“No way!”

“Hey, I told you one of mine, so, you know, fair’s fair, quid pro quo and all that.”

“No,” Jensen repeated. He turned and walked into the kitchen. “You want another beer?” he asked Jared as he opened the fridge.

“Obviously.” Jensen tossed the bottle across the small room and Jared caught it deftly.

“You know, you’re lucky I’m so good at that. That would’ve been a bitch to clean up,” Jared said.

“Good at what?” Jensen asked absently as he took a swig from his beer.

“You know…catching?” Jared said with a smirk, his voice a little lower than usual. Jensen choked on his beer, spraying it all over the kitchen island and floor. He somehow managed not to get any on his clothes, though, so he counted that in the win column.

“You, uh…” Jensen stammered, not sure if he heard Jared correctly—or more specifically, not sure if he heard Jared’s _insinuation_ correctly. That had to be a joke, right? But why would a straight guy joke about _bottoming_ , and oh fuck if Jensen’s brain didn’t nearly short out at that image.

“I never played baseball,” Jared said, his voice back to normal, “but my brother and I would play catch a lot in our backyard. He pitched for the high school team and I was always the designated catcher whenever he wanted to practice at home.”

Jensen just stared at him. _Had_ he imagined Jared’s tone of voice on that last comment? Jensen felt like he was going crazy. Then again, he realized, this was his fifth (well, fourth and a half) drink within the last hour and a half, so maybe he was just a little drunk.

“Jen? You with me?” Jared was snapping his fingers just inches from Jensen’s face.

“Dude,” Jensen said, shaking out of his musings and pushing Jared’s arm away. He let his fingers linger on Jared’s wrist for just a beat longer than normal, but if Jared noticed he didn’t show it.

“How much have you had to drink?” Jared asked.

“Enough that I’ll be riding with you back to the party instead of driving.”

“Dammit,” Jared groaned, “I almost forgot we have to go back. Well…”

He raised his bottle of beer towards Jensen in cheers then brought it to his mouth and tipped it up. Jensen watched, unable to tear his eyes away as Jared’s Adam’s apple bobbed and he swallowed the rest of the drink in one long pull. Jensen wondered if Jared would look like that sucking his cock, his throat moving so beautifully and his mouth catching every single drop of Jensen’s release, swallowing it down with the same fervor.

“ _Fuck_.” Jensen didn’t realize he’d said it out loud (though it was probably more like a moan) until Jared brought the bottle down and looked at him, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. _Fuck._ Okay, at least that time he didn’t say it out loud.

“You okay there?”

“Yep. Yes, definitely,” Jensen babbled. He grabbed the empty beer bottle from Jared and hurried back to the kitchen, finishing his own beer along the way. He set the bottles down on the counter and took a few deep breaths, trying to get himself under control. He was amazed that, even after four and a half drinks, his cock was still having no trouble perking up every time Jared laughed. Or licked his lips. Or smiled. Or talked. Or breathed. Or existed.

Once again, it would appear that Jared was the exception to Jensen’s everything.


	4. Ring Pops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t have crap!” Jensen definitely had crap, but currently most of it involved his still-unnamed feelings for Jared, so obviously Jensen wasn’t especially eager to share them with the class.
> 
> “Jensen, I know _so_ much about you and at the same time, sometimes it feels like I don’t know _anything_ about you.”
> 
> “What’s that supposed to mean?”
> 
> “Well, for example, I know your favorite color and that you love thunderstorms and the name of your childhood dog and that you think Josh is your dad’s favorite but that it doesn’t bother you at all, and that you don’t like to eat in public unless everyone else is, and even then it’s hit-or-miss. But I don’t know _why_. I don’t why you like thunderstorms so much or why your dad having a favorite doesn’t bother you or why you don’t like to eat in public. I know _all_ of the ‘whats’ and _none_ of the ‘whys’.”
> 
> Jared’s words felt like they were burning away Jensen’s masks and walls and leaving him bare and raw. At the same time, the kid had a point. Because Jensen knew pretty much all of Jared’s ‘whats’ also, but he knew the ‘whys’ that went along with them, too.

“So, you never told me about your embarrassing pet peeve,” Jared said out of the blue.

“Dude, it’s been three months! First of all, how do you even remember that? And second, let it go!”

They were relaxing in Jensen’s trailer during their lunch break. His trailer (and Jared’s since they had the exact same ones) was bigger than any he’d ever had on his other shows. He and Jared (and Jared’s dog) had driven, caravan-style, up to Vancouver almost two weeks ago. They started filming the first episode (technically, second, since they’d filmed the pilot in California back in the spring) earlier this week, and even though Jensen didn’t know a lot of the crew very well yet, it was definitely the best set he’d ever been on.

“Never gonna let it go, Jen,” Jared chuckled. Evil son of a bitch. Jensen was sitting at one end of the couch, his feet propped up on the coffee table next to four Styrofoam boxes that had recently been emptied of their food. (The contents of _three_ of those had ended up in Jared’s stomach. A human garbage disposal, that’s what Jensen had called him after. Jared just smiled and agreed.) Jared was sprawled out on the other end of the couch, and just as Jensen was about to reply, deny that he had any interesting secrets, Jared plopped his socked feet down on Jensen’s lap.

“Uhf,” Jensen huffed. Jared’s heel had landed less than an inch away from Jensen’s cock, and once Jensen got over the momentary panic of thinking he was about to be overcome by pain, he realized…yeah, Jared’s foot was _less than an inch from Jensen’s cock_. And now Jensen had a whole different issued to deal with.

“Oop, sorry! Did I get ya?” Jared asked.

“No, barely,” Jensen grumbled.

“My bad,” Jared winced in apology.

“Christ, your feet are huge,” Jensen said without thinking. He’d been doing that a lot lately, like the presence of Jared somehow temporarily overpowered Jensen’s usually-infallible brain-to-mouth filter, leaving Jensen with his foot permanently stuck in his mouth.

“Uh, thanks?”

“No, I mean. Um…”

“You know, the last person that complimented my foot size got laid,” Jared said.

“ _What_?” Jensen choked. On his own spit. Ridiculous.

“Dude, that was a joke,” Jared smirked.

“Whatever,” Jensen muttered.

“So, you’re into feet?” Jared asked casually.

“Uh, _what_? Where the hell did you get that from?”

“I mean, it was the first thing you said when I put my feet in your lap.”

“Actually, I believe the first thing I said was ‘uhf’ because you almost heeled me in my junk. And excuse me for being surprised that you have feet the size of Shaq’s,” Jensen said sarcastically.

“Relax, Jen. I don’t actually think you have a foot thing. Well, I was _pretty_ certain you didn’t, but it’s good to know for sure.”

“You know, the fact that your mind went straight to thinking I have a foot thing makes me think that maybe it’s _you_ who has a foot thing.”

“Jen?” Jared’s voice carried a slight edge, and Jensen dropped the joke.

“Yeah?”

“Can you stop saying that word, please?”

“Which one?” Jensen asked, realizing immediately that Jared was talking about his ‘pet peeve’ again. Jared just pointed down his body at his foot. “Yeah, of course. Sorry.”

“No worries. It’s my fault, not yours.”

“Well, thanks for telling me that it was starting to bother you,” Jensen said seriously. Jared’s cheeks turned pink and his eyes dropped down. “What?” Jensen asked.

“Nothin’,” Jared mumbled.

Jensen had learned early on that, although Jared was big and loud and goofy and overly affectionate, he sometimes had trouble communicating certain thoughts and emotions, usually ones that made him feel embarrassed (even though they were never actually embarrassing). Jensen also figured out that, if he didn’t push Jared a little bit, Jared would never open up about them; however, he couldn’t push _too_ much. It was a thin line, a delicate balance that Jensen was learning quickly.

“Nope. You gotta tell me,” Jensen insisted.

“It’s stupid.” Jared was picking at a loose thread on the couch.

“I doubt that,” Jensen said. “Seeing as I’ve been putting up with your ass on a regular basis for over five months now and I have yet to hear you say anything stupid, I don’t think that’s suddenly going to change today.” Yeah, Jensen was pushing, but he tried to keep it light and slightly humorous, because even though Jared seemed nervous and hesitant to say what was on his mind, it didn’t seem like whatever he was thinking was _bad_. Or, at least not something that required total seriousness.

Jared huffed at Jensen’s declaration, but Jensen caught the shy smile and flush that rose up his neck and to his cheeks. It was so strange, how Jared could be such a walking paradox: one moment he’d say something, his voice low and his eyes twinkling with what Jensen would swear was lust, and Jared could be reciting a line from The Simpsons but everything else about him would set Jensen’s blood on fire, hardening up his cock in mere seconds; the next moment, though, Jared would be scuffing his toes on the ground and looking down shyly, running his hands through his hair, a nervous habit that Jensen had noticed almost immediately.

“So…?” Jensen urged.

“Just…the word thing. You don’t laugh at me about it.”

“Uh, but I have laughed about it? Jay, I’m sor—”

“No,” Jared interrupted, “ _we’ve_ laughed about it. Because it’s ridiculous and I know that. I’m talking about when it’s _actually_ bothering me, you don’t make fun of me or keep pushing it or anything.” Jensen’s stomach flipped over excitedly from the praise while his chest constricted with sadness, thinking about how many of Jared’s friends (and possibly family members) had taken this just a step too far. Jensen would never do that, not to anyone but _especially_ not to Jared.

“Well, I can tell it really bothers you sometimes and, honestly, I get my fill of emo-Sam while at work, so I want as much happy-Jared as I can get the rest of the time. Honestly, I’m just doing it for my own selfish reasons,” Jensen deadpanned.

“Jerk,” Jared shot at him.

“No! We are _not_ doing that,” Jensen said.

“What? Why?” Jared half-whined.

“Dude, no. I’m not Dean. Like, at all.”

“I dunno, Jen, you guys have quite a bit in common…”

“Yeah, like what?” Jensen was genuinely curious; he absolutely loved playing Dean, but most days he only noticed all the differences between his own personality and his character’s, leaving very little room for him to see any similarities.

“You’re both a little gruff. Wise-ass. Sarcastic but also so cheesy. Jen, when you tell jokes they are either disgustingly dirty, so dry that it takes me a second to realize you’re joking, or so goddamn corny that I think the pun police might come to arrest you. Like, you have no happy medium.”

“Pun police?” Jensen snorted. “You sure they’re coming for _me_?” Jared smirked. “Okay, so we have the same sense of humor and general dickish demeanor. That’s not that much.”

“You both bottle up your emotions, try to hide them away, but you don’t do a very good job of it.” And…that kind of stung a little. Was Jared trying to be mean?

“I don’t bottle up my emotions, I talk to you about stuff all the time,” Jensen said coolly, a little insulted. Even people who _did_ bottle up their emotions didn’t like to be _told_ so. It was like unnecessarily pointing out a flaw, and it didn’t matter if it was true or false, it still wasn't something anyone wanted to hear.

“Yeah, about _me_ and _my_ crap. And you’re great about it, but…well, you never really reciprocate.”

“Maybe it’s because I don’t have any crap.”

Jared snorted. “Everyone has crap, Jen. Especially—um, nevermind.”

“No, wait. Especially what?”

“Nothing, forget I said it.”

“No.”

“Jensen. Look, man, I was just speaking out of turn. Honestly, I…well, I don’t want you to get mad at me.”

“I won’t,” Jensen promised, though he wasn’t sure that was true.

“If you wouldn’t get mad at me for saying it then we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place because you’d already have told me all about your crap,” Jared said. Jensen had to take a minute to work out that sentence; sometimes Jared’s thoughts were a little…twisty, but Jensen was getting much better at unraveling them.

“I don’t have crap!” Jensen definitely had crap, but currently most of it involved his still-unnamed feelings for Jared, so obviously Jensen wasn’t especially eager to share them with the class.

“Jensen, I know _so_ much about you and at the same time, sometimes it feels like I don’t know _anything_ about you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, for example, I know your favorite color and that you love thunderstorms and the name of your childhood dog and that you think Josh is your dad’s favorite but that it doesn’t bother you at all, and that you don’t like to eat in public unless everyone else is, and even then it’s hit-or-miss. But I don’t know _why_. I don’t know why you like thunderstorms so much or why your dad having a favorite doesn’t bother you or why you don’t like to eat in public. I know _all_ of the ‘whats’ and _none_ of the ‘whys’.”

Jared’s words felt like they were burning away Jensen’s masks and walls and leaving him bare and raw. At the same time, the kid had a point. Because Jensen knew pretty much all of Jared’s ‘whats’ also, but he knew the ‘whys’ that went along with them, too. He sighed, uncomfortable with what he was about to say but determined to do it anyway.

“Jay, I don’t tell you the reasons because…honestly, I don’t do the whole introspection thing.”

“Uh, what?”

“You wanna know why I don’t like to eat in public?” Jared nodded. “Okay, so would I,” Jensen said. Jared frowned.

“You don’t know why you don’t like to eat in public?”

“Not really,” Jensen replied. “I just know that I don’t like to do it, so I don’t do it. I never really bothered to figure out why because…I guess it doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t seem worth the hassle.”

“What hassle?” Jared asked.

“You know, thinking about stuff. Deep stuff. Uncomfortable stuff. I dunno…like I said, I’m not really into introspection. Why would I try and slog through all my crap just to figure out why I do or don’t like something when it’s probably not going to change how I feel about it? To me, it’s just not worth it.”

“Oh. Never?”

“No, not never, obviously. Just not stuff that isn’t really important or, you know, life-altering or whatever.”

“Huh.” Jared sat in thought for a moment. “You know you just admitted to having enough crap that you’d have to slog through it, right?” he said with a smirk.

“Gee, here I was trying to be all serious and shit and you have to go and ruin it by saying ‘I told you so’, didn’t you?” Jensen growled. Jared just threw his head back and laughed. He calmed down after a minute and turned to look at Jensen again.

“Seriously, Jen. Thanks.”

“For what?”

“Well, you told me the most important of all your ‘whys’.” Jensen quirked his eyebrow, silently asking Jared to clarify. “You told me why you don’t tell me the ‘whys’.” Jensen blinked in surprise at Jared, who reached over and pulled him into a hug.

“Seriously, it means a lot to me,” Jared whispered, his breath hot in Jensen’s ear. Jensen didn’t know what was happening, was completely confused (like usual, when it came to Jared), but Jared didn’t let go of him for a few minutes so Jensen decided not to worry about it too much. He must be doing something right.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“You goin’ down to L.A. for the weekend?” Jensen asked Jared during their last break of the day. They had an actual honest-to-god two-day weekend ahead of them, _and_ they were most likely going to be able to leave this afternoon, instead of well past midnight like they usually did.

“Yeah,” Jared sighed.

“You don’t seem too excited.”

“No, it’s just…I kinda wanted to hang out here, get to know the area a little better and stuff. Figured you could show me around, since you lived here during Smallville. I mean, if you’re staying this weekend. But I guess it doesn’t matter now.” Jensen’s heart skipped at the knowledge that Jared wanted Jensen to give him a tour. His mind started racing, thinking of all his favorite places that he’d discovered the last time he was up here—the best steakhouse, the prettiest and least-crowded park for jogging, even which grocery stores carried the most American food. His thoughts screeched to a stop when Jared kept talking.

“But Chad’s gonna be in from North Carolina and I haven’t seen him in a while. And Sandy got passed over for a job she was pretty sure she had in the bag, so I’ll have to try and cheer her up a little.”

“Oh, that’s…that sucks, man. Tell her I said sorry, and that hopefully she’ll get it next time.”

“Thanks, Jen,” Jared said quietly, almost surprised at Jensen’s kind words. Look, Jensen didn’t _actually_ hate Sandy—he’d met her a few more times after the network party, and each time she’d been sweet and caring and thoughtful and genuinely interested in getting to know Jensen. Frankly, Jensen could see her becoming a really close friend— _if_ she hadn’t been dating Jared and causing constant feelings of jealousy that Jensen had to put a lot of effort in to suppressing whenever she was around.

“Of course, man. I’ve never seen her act so I don’t know how good she is, but she’s really sweet and she deserves some good luck, y’know? So, uh, what was the job?”

“Some pilot, I dunno. She didn’t really go into details of what the show would be about. I know this probably makes me a horrible person, but I kinda hope it doesn’t get picked up. That way she won’t feel like she missed her chance or something.”

“You’re not a horrible person, Jay. It’s not like you’re wanting it to fail because you want those other actors to lose their jobs, you just want Sandy to feel better. I completely understand.”

“Thanks. I think Chad will be able to cheer her up better than I can, though. I’ll mostly just be there to pull Chad back when he starts to get a little too crazy.”

“Yeah, he’s…he’s something else,” Jensen mused.

“You guys know each other?”

“Not very well. We’ve met a few times, when I was in North Carolina filming Dawson’s. Plus, we have some mutual friends, so we were bound to cross paths.”

“And, uh, what do you think of him?” Jared asked almost nervously. Jensen knew that Jared was well aware that Chad could be a handful, to put it nicely, but he was also very important to Jared.

“I don’t feel like I know him well enough to really say. I mean…some of the stories out there aren’t great, y’know? But every single friend I have that knows him well has _stayed_ friends with him, and I generally trust my friends’ taste in non-douchery, so…” Jensen shrugged.

“So…if he came up to visit sometime you wouldn’t hate him or be scared off if he came on a little strong?”

“I’d be scared off if he _didn’t_ come on a little strong,” Jensen joked. “I’d be worried that either aliens had taken over his body or the zombie apocalypse had finally started and he was one of the first victims.”

Jared laughed loud, throwing his head back, his whole body shaking. “Let me tell you, he can be a dick when he doesn’t trust somebody because he doesn’t know them very well, but I think he’ll appreciate your humor. Though…uh, he might not like you right off the bat,” Jared added with a cringe.

“What? Why not?”

“Because, you kinda usurped his place as my only best friend, and he can be a little territorial.”

“Best friend?” Jensen asked dazedly. Jared just looked at him like he was wearing a clown costume.

“Uh, yeah, Jen. Obviously. I mean, I don’t want you to think that I assume that means I’m your best friend too,” Jared blurted, tongue tripping over words. “I know you have some really old friends, and I’d love to meet them, really, so yeah, don’t feel like you, y’know, um—” Jensen put his finger over Jared’s lips to stop his blabbering. He realized that, even though they touched all the time—Jared was extremely handsy, even if his hands never strayed to certain places on Jensen’s body that Jensen would have _very_ much enjoyed—he’d never touched Jared’s lips before. He jerked his hand back quickly, not wanting to make Jared uncomfortable. But Jared was smiling softly and eyeing Jensen expectantly, no look of disgust or uneasiness on his face.

“I’d love to be your best friend, Jay,” Jensen said, “and I’d love it even more for you to be mine.” Jared beamed. “So…does this mean I have to get you a ring now, or…?” Jensen smirked as Jared punched him in the arm.

“Shuddup,” Jared muttered, but his face was flushed pink and he couldn’t look Jensen in the eyes.

And if that Monday, when Jensen walked into the makeup trailer and fell to one knee in front of Jared, held out a Ring Pop, and asked in all seriousness, “Will you be my…best friend?” just to get Jared to blush like that again? Sue him. A long weekend without Jared there to distract him meant Jensen finally forced himself to face the things he’d been avoiding. And now, he knew _exactly_ what he wanted; it was just a matter of whether or not Jared would ever want it, too. But Jensen was determined to do everything in his power to fight for Jared, to be given a chance to show the kid that Jensen was worth it.

Turned out that nine years in Hollywood hadn’t been able to melt Jensen’s heart, but five months with Jared had melted not just his heart but his mind, body, and soul as well. And also, apparently, had turned him into a thirteen year old girl who viewed Romeo and Juliet as the ultimate romance. Basically, sappy and hopeless and willing to destroy himself for Jared. Also, really bad at poetry.


	5. Lists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First thing first, and probably the easiest: admitting that his feelings for Jared went way beyond that of friendship. Jensen had never really denied that fact, but he hadn’t explicitly said (or thought) it either. Until now. And it was definitely the easiest thing to admit to himself; it’s not like Jared was the first guy Jensen ever liked. It was the thirty-foot deep pool _below_ the surface that Jensen was about to not just dip his toe into but plunge headfirst into.
> 
> And Jensen had never learned how to swim.

Jensen left set at 3:42 that afternoon. He tried to not to think about the ever-increasing feelings he was having, unsure if he was ready to face them head-on. Fifteen minutes later, as he was pulling into the parking lot for his apartment, his phone chimed. Immediately after he parked, he flipped the phone open; the text was from Jared.

_Wish you were coming to LA with me :(_

Jensen heart started to beat little faster. He wished he was going with Jared too. But if Jared wanted him to go, why hadn’t he been invited? Before he could overanalyze that too much, his phone chirped again.

_I would’ve asked you but you sounded really tired and like you were looking forward to having a whole weekend off to sleep_

_I woulda come anyways,_ Jensen responded.

_Oh :( :( :(_

Jensen wanted to turn around, drive straight to the airport, and hop the next flight to California, but Jared was right; Jensen had planned on spending basically all of Saturday passed out in bed. And as he reread Jared’s messages, the funny feeling in Jensen’s stomach just kept getting stronger and stronger. He realized that it was time for him to figure out if what he was feeling for Jared was just fleeting lust or if it was something…a little more permanent. And _then_ he needed to figure out what to do about it. Jensen knew he couldn’t work through all that shit if he spent the whole weekend with him and Jared hanging out in each other’s pockets and breathing the same air, so it was probably for the best that they weren’t in the same country for the next few days.

_Don’t worry about it, I’ll go next time :) See you Monday_

After he sent the message, Jensen turned his phone off. He didn’t need any outside distractions; working against his own habits and discomforts of not usually delving too deep into his emotions was already going to make it hard enough to focus. Getting texts from Jared every three hours would keep Jensen from getting anything done. And he _desperately_ needed to get this done.

First thing first, and probably the easiest: admitting that his feelings for Jared went way beyond that of friendship. Jensen had never really denied that fact, but he hadn’t explicitly said (or thought) it either. Until now. And it was definitely the easiest thing to admit to himself; it’s not like Jared was the first guy Jensen ever liked. It was the thirty-foot deep pool  _below_ the surface that Jensen was about to not just dip his toe into but plunge headfirst into.

And Jensen had never learned how to swim.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Over the next three hours he ordered pizza, watched a movie, and finished off a six-pack. He was going to need a lot of alcohol this weekend, and he was glad he’d stocked up while out running errands a few days before. He had three more six-packs of beer and one bottle each of tequila, vodka, and whiskey.

Yeah, if that wasn’t enough liquor to make it through the weekend, then Jensen had _much_ bigger problems than potentially-unrequited feelings. Because sure, maybe he wanted Jared to see him in a different way, but that way did not include alcohol poisoning, stomach pumping, or a five-week stint in rehab. Not that Jensen ever thought he had a problem with substance abuse; he just had a problem with bottling up his emotions and then using anything in his vicinity to keep those bottles from being opened.

Not this weekend, though.

He wondered if Jared would ever know just how much Jensen was willing to do for him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When he got up from the couch and stumbled into the kitchen for his eighth beer, Jensen also snagged a notebook and a pen, deciding that he should write some of his musings and breakthroughs down, just in case the hangover he was sure to wake up with tomorrow also included a nice big dose of amnesia. He felt stupid, like a thirteen year old girl writing in her diary, but Jensen had noticed that he turned into thirteen year old girl in many situations that involved his feelings for Jared, and he’d stopped getting hung up on that a while ago. Plus, it wasn’t like anyone was around to laugh at him.

He doodled flowers and ugly, misshapen unicorns around the edges of the paper, because if he was going to feel like a teenage girl, by god, he was going to act like it. (Well, just in regards to the diary.) He started scribbling, realizing that if he gave his hands and part of his brain something to do, he didn’t have to fight tooth-and-nail to get some of his more deeply-buried feelings to come out. They just sort of…flowed. And he finally understood why people had journals; it was actually cathartic. And sure, he was probably going to burn this notebook when it was all said and done, but for the moment, he would embrace it.

He started with a list, because Jensen had always liked making lists. He didn’t know why he—or people in general—found lists so appealing, but they were almost soothing **.** Everything neat and orderly in easy-to-read bullet point format was a relief to his often erratic, rapid-fire brain.

  * _I like Jared. As in, I_ like _like him_
  * _I’m pretty sure I don’t want to just have sex with him_
  * _I mean, obviously I want to have sex with him_
  * _But I think I want the other stuff too_
  * _I guess that’s called a relationship?_
  * _But I’ve had relationships, and this feels different than those did_
  * _Because Jared is not like anyone I’ve ever met, duh_



Jensen knew he was rambling, that maybe it wouldn’t make much sense to someone else reading it, but there was no way in hell he was ever going to let another person see the list so it didn’t really matter. Looking at what he had written last—about Jared being different—made him stop to think for a minute. _Why_ was Jared different? And how could Jensen be sure that he wasn’t just infatuated with Jared, that he didn’t just like Jared because he was new and exciting?

So Jensen started a new list, writing down every single thing about Jared that he genuinely found endearing. Which was fairly easy, considering he spent so much of his free time daydreaming about it.

  * _He’s so fucking cute and sweet and adorable_
  * _He has a wicked sense of humor, and doesn’t get mad or offended when I’m sarcastic and dry_
  * _He’s not just hot, he’s fuckin’ beautiful. I caught him with his shirt off the other day in wardrobe and…wowza_
  * _I just really want to bury my fingers in his hair. I kinda hope he lets it grow even longer_
  * _He’s from Texas_
  * _He’s a great actor but still so eager to learn. No diva behavior or cocky attitude_
  * _He’s down-to-earth and laid back (and I definitely need someone laid back)_
  * _Sometimes he giggles and I still can’t get over that sound. I want to hear it all the time_
  * _He’s bigger than me!_



Jensen dropped his pen in surprise after he read the last bullet point; he hadn’t even realized what he’d been writing until it was there staring at him, and _holy fuck_. He had no clue that the idea of being with someone bigger than him was such a turn on. The thought of Jared being able to manhandle him, yet knowing that Jared would never actually _take_ all the control away from Jensen—

Jensen braked hard on that train of thought. He was getting _way_ ahead of himself, imagining him and Jared as a couple when he needed to be working on a few other things first. For instance: figuring out if Jared was bi, or even just…bendy; how serious he and Sandy were; how to get him to see Jensen in a more-than-friends way; and how to woo him, since Jensen didn’t want to give Jared the idea that he just wanted a convenient fuckbuddy or something.

Holy shit. He wanted to _woo_ Jared.

Jensen didn’t ever think he’d use that word in any situation other than making fun of a rom-com. No doubt he could give the Canadian maple trees a run for their money with how sappy he was becoming.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When Jensen woke up, he didn’t remember falling asleep. Was it after his tenth beer? Eleventh? It was still dark out and his head was pounding; the intro screen for the movie he’d been watching was repeating over and over on his TV; his limbs felt like lead and his bladder was full to bursting; he had a piece of paper stuck to his cheek, and his contacts were making his eyes feel like they were on fire.

He managed to drag himself to standing, which just made his headache ramp up and his stomach roll with nausea. He didn’t bother turning off the TV as he stumbled quickly to the bathroom, his knees hitting the tile in front of the toilet at the same moment his stomach clenched and heaved, giving Jensen a second (very disgusting) taste of every piece of pizza and every bottle of beer he’d consumed earlier that evening.

Once he finished vomiting he relieved his bladder before washing his hands and splashing some cold water on his face. He shuffled out of the bathroom and into his bedroom next door, flopping down on the bed and briefly considering trying to take at least his jeans off before deciding against it. He fell asleep again almost immediately, fully clothed and laid out on his stomach diagonally across his rumpled, unmade bed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The second time Jensen woke up, he could tell that it was well past noon and it felt like the Little Drummer Boy had taken up permanent residence inside his skull, trapping him in neverending Christmas hell. At least his stomach wasn’t trying to crawl out of his throat.

It took him a minute to get his bearings; though he knew exactly where he was, he couldn’t remember why he had such a wicked hangover. He was laying on his stomach, head turned towards the edge of the bed and the window where afternoon sunlight was streaming through, unfiltered by any blinds or curtains. He really needed to get some goddamn curtains.

He still couldn’t recall the events of the night before, and he dreaded to turn and look at the other side of his bed, unsure of what—or maybe who—he’d find. Because he knew one thing for sure: there was only one person he wanted to see stretched across his sheets, and it was the one person Jensen knew wouldn’t be there.

He took a moment to let his thoughts linger on Jared, and the mental images of his best friend stirred something inside Jensen. Well, it stirred two things: the typical morning issue making itself known, which Jensen had grown to expect; and some memories from last night finally working their way into his mind. Jensen flushed in embarrassment that he had managed to get so incredibly plastered all alone in his apartment. While thinking about Jared. And writing lists.

Lists.

Jensen finally, reluctantly, admitted to himself that this ‘figuring shit out’ thing might go a little more smoothly if he had some help. And for something like this, well, there was only one person to call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to fit the entire weekend scene into one chapter, but...for some reason, this chapter really did not want to come out. I've learned that when this happens, it's easier to just break it up. I'm hoping the next part will come more easily.
> 
> Happy weekend!


	6. Jason and Jack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why wouldn’t it matter?” Jensen asked, his voice just a whisper full of cracks. This time it was Jared who looked confused, and maybe a little surprised, like he hadn’t expected Jensen to ask that question because he thought Jensen had already known the answer. Jensen _didn’t_ know, though, and that was the problem. Jensen could read Jared so well ninety-nine percent of the time. It was that one percent that he was missing that, of fucking course, was also probably the most essential. And it was flying right over Jensen’s head yet again.
> 
> “You don’t—” Jared’s eyes widened in a mix of surprise and understanding. He looked away shyly, suddenly nervous, while Jensen waited with bated breath to hear what Jared would say. His head was still turned, eyes fixed on the tile of Jensen’s floor, and Jensen’s stomach churned in anticipation. No—not anticipation. Nausea. He could feel the whiskey rising up suddenly, and fuck if this wasn’t the worst timing ever.

“Jensen!” a cheery voice called through the line; Jensen _so_ wasn’t in the mood for cheery.

“Jason.”

“Okay, spill.” The voice changed instantly from chipper to concerned. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Jensen lied.

“Jensen, please,” Jason answered, and Jensen could just imagine the guy giving him one of his epic eyerolls. “You have that…sound.”

“I don’t have a _sound_ ,” Jensen argued. “I mean…wait, do I?”

“Uh, yeah. Unmistakably,” Jason said, like Jensen was as simple to figure out as 2+2. And sure, he had known Jason Manns for years and years, but Jensen liked to think he was a _little_ harder to read than that.

“So…what do I unmistakably sound like?” Jensen asked sharply. Jason spent a silent minute in thought.

“Something—no, _someone_ —has got you all twisted up. You crushin’ on someone, Ackles?” Damn, Jason was good.

“Uhhm…what makes you say that?”

“You sound kind of miserable, but the quality to it…it’s like whatever is making you miserable is actually a good thing, but it’s still somehow making you sad instead of happy. And that only ever means one thing: unrequited love.”

Jensen choked when he heard Jason say the word love. He didn’t _love_ Jared, he just had a crush. Okay, so it was more than a crush; he was fully _in like_ with Jared. But…that was all!

“I dunno about _love_ ,” Jensen said carefully. “I mean, I haven’t even known the person very long.”

“Jensen, you could know someone a lifetime and say that you haven’t known them that long. So it’s not exactly the best indicator. And I know I only met Jared twice before you left for Vancouver, but he seems like a great guy.”

“I—how—what makes you think it’s Jared?” Jensen was genuinely surprised.

“Dude,” Jason said, and Jensen could practically hear his smirk, “you were _so_ smitten! You remember talking to me the day after your audition?”

“Y-yeah,” Jensen said cautiously.

“Well, you spent almost two hours straight talking about Jared, Jared, and more Jared. And you’d only met him _once_ , less than twenty-four hours before! And now that you two are living up there and kinda cut off from everyone, and you spend, what, five or six days a week with him?”

“Seven,” Jensen mumbled before he could stop himself.

“Did you say seven?” Jensen’s silence at Jason’s question was as good as a yes. “You guys film seven days a week?!”

“Um, no, usually five, sometimes six,” Jensen replied quietly.

“Wait, what—so, okay, you’re telling me that you hang out together on days you have off?”

“And days we work, too,” Jensen said, and _why_ couldn’t he just shut up already? Jason cackled, the sound loud and unforgiving in Jensen’s ear.

“Holy shit man, you are so gone for him, aren’t you?”

“No!” Jensen said indignantly. “And, y’know, I called you because I coulda used your help but I think I’m just gonna hang up now.” He pulled the phone away from his ear to end the call and only just managed to hear Jason shouting his name. “What?” Jensen snapped, fully annoyed now.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t making fun of you. It’s just…Jensen, I’ve never seen you like this.”

“Like what?”

“In love.”

“I’m not in love!”

“Look, man, denying it isn’t gonna do you much good.” They were quiet for a few minutes, Jason giving Jensen time to process his words, Jensen trying to rationalize to himself that his feelings for Jared hadn’t even come close to the love line, let alone crossed over it.

“Look,” Jason said, finally breaking the silence, “you’re gonna have to face it eventually. But don’t worry about it for now, okay? I shouldn’t have pushed. I mean, you want Jared as more than just a friend, and I’m assuming not just friends with benefits, right?”

“No! I mean, yes. I mean…yeah, I wanna do… _that_ stuff with him. But I also want to spend the night after, cuddling and sleeping, and in the morning I want to make him breakfast and go with him to take his dog for a walk.” And Jensen the sap was officially back, ladies and gentlemen. But Jason was a wise man when he needed to be, and he refrained from making any sort of comment about Jensen’s declaration.

“So…you want to woo him?”

“Yeah. I mean, I kinda have to. I’m pretty sure he’s straight and that he has a girlfriend, so I’m going into this already fighting an uphill battle. But even if that wasn’t the case…Jared deserves to be, uh, courted,” Jensen finished, coughing a little in embarrassment. Thankfully, Jason still didn’t call him out on it.

“All right then,” Jason replied, determination clear in his voice. “Let’s work out a plan. Stage one of Project Woo Padalecki is a go.” Jensen rolled his eyes but his stomach was flipping all over and he hoped to god that Jason knew what the fuck he was doing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

By Sunday night, Jensen had five pages of his notebook filled with scribbles detailing the first two stages of Jason’s plan. At first Jensen had resisted writing it all down—because that made it real, and it also made him feel really pathetic—but he’d relented when Jason had threatened to type it up, laminate it, and send it off to Jensen via FedEx first class.

Jensen was anxiously pacing the living room, his nerves raw and his muscles tight with tension, even after finishing off the half-full bottle of Jack. Jared had called a few hours before to let Jensen know when his flight was getting in. Jensen had offered to pick him up from the airport but was relieved when he refused; Jensen was so high-strung at the moment that he probably would’ve ended up crashing the car. Or gotten arrested for a DUI. But that didn’t mean that he hadn’t had to find a way to tone down his jittery-ness (hence the substantial amount of liquor currently coursing through his system), because Jared was coming over after he picked up his dog, Sadie, from the babysitter’s.

Yes, Jared took his dog to a babysitter instead of a kennel or boardinghouse.

And yes, Jensen found it ridiculously endearing.

The problem was, stage one of Jensen’s plan (he still refused to call it Project Woo Padalecki) didn’t start until tomorrow, and that had the opposite effect of relaxing him; because, somehow, he had to figure out a way to _not_ act differently around Jared tonight, and he was already finding the notion to be impossible. He’d let the proverbial cat out of the bag, and even though it was still trapped firmly in his head (and now Jason’s), it wasn’t some tiny quiet kitten; it was a monstrous roaring lion, demanding to be heard.

Jensen decided that being in love really lowered the quality of his analogies…

His mind stuttered as he realized what he’d just thought, the words that he’d used.

Shit. Jensen really was in love. That fucker Jason had been right.

As Jensen stood there frozen in this sudden awareness, the doorbell rang, announcing the arrival of Jared.

Jared, who Jensen loved.

Well, shit.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jared had rung the bell a dozen more times then started pounding on the door and yelling Jensen’s name before Jensen snapped back to himself.

“Jensen!” Jared’s voice was muffled slightly but his fist never stopped its assault on the solid wood door. “Jensen! Are you in there? You’re starting to freak me out, man!” Jensen stumbled over to the door and flung it open, wildly unprepared to deal with Jared but knowing that waiting around another five minutes wouldn’t make him less nervous…though it would _definitely_ bring Jared’s panic level up a few more notches.

Jared dropped his hand and huffed out a breath, the puff air making his bangs float up off his forehead.

“What the hell, man?”

“Sorry, sorry,” Jensen said absently. “Had to—uh, um, bathroom,” he finished lamely.

“Oh, no worries!” Jared’s eyes brightened and his dimples appeared. He stepped inside and immediately folded Jensen into a bear hug. “Missed you,” he whispered, his breath hot in Jensen’s ear sending shivers down Jensen’s spine.

“Yeah,” he croaked, “m-me too.”

“Hey, you okay?” Jared pulled back enough to study Jensen’s face, his own expression clouding over with concern.

“Uh huh,” Jensen replied, this time high and shrill. Jared arched up an eyebrow in doubt.

“You’re not sick, are you?” Jared chewed his lip worriedly and Jensen was quick to shake his head no.

“Nah, no, just…had to deal with some stuff this weekend.” Apparently the words did nothing to ease Jared’s worry, because his other eyebrow arched up to join the first and his lip chewing intensified.

“What kind of—I mean, do you, uh, wanna talk about it?” he asked nervously, and Jensen’s thoughts were jerked back to that Friday in his trailer, Jared insisting that Jensen ‘had crap’ while also promising that he was there if Jensen needed to talk, any day, any time. Jensen felt a rush of guilt at the memory, and the following confession came spilling out without his permission.

“It’s just, I like someone and it’s a little complicated and I’m not really used to dealing with those kinds of feelings in general, let alone at this, uh, intensity, and yeah,” he blurted out, stumbling over words while feeling his skin heat with an embarrassed flush. He finally snapped his mouth shut before any more could slip out, then turned quickly and headed towards the kitchen, praying that Jared wouldn’t push even while knowing the desperate plea was useless.

“Y-you like someone?” Jared asked. He voice was small, almost insecure, and it made Jensen pause and look back at his friend.

“Yeah, I guess I do,” he said softly.

“Do I, I mean. Um, I know it’s none of my business, but…do I know them?” Jensen froze, his blood running cold.

 _Yes, you know him,_ Jensen thought. _You_ are _him. And god, you’re so beautiful that sometimes it hurts to look at you, but I can’t stop because_ not _looking at you would hurt even more._

At least, that’s what Jensen wanted to say, but something else entirely shot out.

“Are you and Sandy serious?” And wow, where the fuck did that come from? Apparently subtly was not on tonight’s conversational menu.

Jared looked just as surprised at Jensen’s outburst, but Jensen noticed how a small smile tugged at the corners of Jared’s mouth and his eyes got a little squinty and shined just a little bit brighter. None of these changes would have been visible to probably anyone but Jensen, and while he noticed them immediately, he wasn’t sure what they meant.

“Jen,” Jared said softly, stepping closer. Jensen didn’t realize Jared had reached out to him until he felt a warm hand wrap lightly around his wrist. A slightly callused thumb rubbing gentle circles right on his pulse point made his body draw taut—and it was _every_ part of his body.

His dick perked up, standing to attention, and Jensen almost sighed with relief that he’d worn the boxer briefs/jeans combination that never failed to hide even the most insistent of his erections.

“Jen,” Jared repeated, his voice even quieter than a minute ago, “Sandy and I aren’t anything. We’re just friends.”

“But—” Jensen started to argue (and why the fuck was he arguing? Wasn’t that exactly what he’d dreamed of Jared saying?) when Jared pressed his index finger to Jensen’s lips, stopping Jensen from stupidly disagreeing about something that he wanted so desperately to be true.

“Really,” Jared continued, the pad of his finger beginning to skim over Jensen’s lips, tracing a partial outline. Judging by Jared’s expression, Jensen didn’t think he realized what he was doing, how he was touching Jensen. The touch was light, barely more than a whisper against his pink skin, but it was the most intimate thing he’d ever experienced, and it was no longer the original gesture that kept Jensen from talking; it was the air, suffocatingly thick with tension and anticipation that held Jensen breathless.

“Sandy and I,” Jared was still talking—whispering, really—and Jensen’s whole body was thrumming so loudly with desire that he almost couldn’t hear Jared over the rushing in his head, “have only ever been friends. She’s one of my best friends and I love her to death, but she’s still _just a friend_ ,” Jared emphasized, and maybe if Jensen had been in a more lucid state of mind he would have understood what Jared was trying to say, but Jared’s thumb was still rubbing circles on the inside of his wrist and Jared’s finger was still ghosting over his lips and Jensen’s brain had pretty much completely shorted out by that point. “I don’t like her like that, and besides, she has her own thing going with a few different guys…not that it would matter,” Jared added as an afterthought. Jensen frowned, his confusion at Jared’s last comment clearing a tiny bit of the fog from his brain.

“Why wouldn’t it matter?” Jensen asked, his voice just a whisper full of cracks. This time it was Jared who looked confused, and maybe a little surprised, like he hadn’t expected Jensen to ask that question because he thought Jensen had already known the answer. Jensen _didn’t_ know, though, and that was the problem. Jensen could read Jared so well ninety-nine percent of the time. It was that one percent that he was missing that, of fucking course, was also probably the most essential. And it was flying right over Jensen’s head yet again.

“You don’t—” Jared’s eyes widened in a mix of surprise and understanding. He looked away shyly, suddenly nervous, while Jensen waited with bated breath to hear what Jared would say. His head was still turned, eyes fixed on the tile of Jensen’s floor, and Jensen’s stomach churned in anticipation. No—not anticipation. Nausea. He could feel the whiskey rising up suddenly, and fuck if this wasn’t the worst timing ever.

“Jen, I’m—” Jensen tore off towards the bathroom, the white hot disappointment of ruining the moment quickly overwhelmed by the taste of bile in his mouth and the burning pain of liquor and stomach acid forcing their way up Jensen’s throat.

He heaved into the toilet, fingers turning white from his tight grip on the edges of the seat. He felt a presence behind him but he couldn’t think, his senses overflowing, swamped by his current predicament. Something cool and wet was pressed against his neck. The sensation was jolting and uncomfortable at first but quickly turned soothing, especially after a strong hand began rubbing slowly up and down his spine.

“Sorry, sorry,” Jensen managed to choke out in between the violent lurches of his stomach.

“How much did you drink, Jen?” Jared asked. Jensen shrugged, gesturing in the general direction of the kitchen where he knew the now-empty bottle of whiskey was sitting out on the counter.

“Half,” he managed to say before another round of vomiting overtook him. He could feel when Jared stood and left the bathroom, and could sense when Jared reappeared, sitting down and settling closely behind Jensen again. His hand resumed its movements up and down Jensen’s back.

“You drank half that bottle?” Jared asked, the concern so obvious and heavy even to Jensen’s vomit-addled brain. Jensen nodded and Jared sighed. “What time?” he asked, and Jensen knew he meant how long had it taken him to drink it all. Jensen hesitated to answer, this time not from the puking but because he didn’t want Jared to know, worried that Jared would be disappointed in him.

“Jensen!” Jared’s voice was less gentle then, more insistent. “When, Jensen? I need to know! I’ve never seen you get this sick from drinking before! What if you have alcohol poisoning or something? Fuck, do I need to take you to the hospital?!” Jared was panicking, his hands uncertain and restless and fluttering erratically over Jensen’s back and arms.

Jensen reached back blindly and grabbed at Jared, snagging his elbow and squeezing reassuringly. It didn’t work.

“ _What time_?” Jared bellowed, making Jensen flinch.

“Six?” Jensen finally admitted, though it sounded more like a question than a reply.

“Wha— _SIX_? It’s—fuck, it’s not even ten ‘o clock yet, Jen! That’s way too—I gotta—we gotta go! C’mon” Jared stood up, tugging at Jensen while Jensen tried to shrug him off.

Jensen wasn’t positive that he didn’t need a hospital, but he _was_ positive that there was no way he could stop throwing up long enough for Jared to drive him there.

“Not done,” he gasped into toilet. His squeezed his eyes shut to avoid looking at what he’d already put in there, and Jared must have noticed because a second later Jensen heard the toilet flush. He pulled back to avoid getting sprayed by anything nasty. “Car—can’t—nhhg” he moaned miserably.

“I don’t care, I’ll get you a bucket!” Jensen groaned some more. Even just the thought of riding in a car made him gag, and the idea of having to do it while holding a bucket full of puke on his lap for ten or more minutes was too much for him to handle.

“I’ll…be fine.” Jensen looked up a Jared and tried to offer him a reassuring smile. Jared returned the tentative smile, then Jensen’s eyes rolled back in his head and he passed out.


	7. Bleach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why were you drinking so much? And _by yourself_?” Jensen picked nervously at a loose thread on the blanket. He’d been hoping Jared wouldn’t ask him that, but of course Jared would ask him that. That’s what Jared did: he cared and he wanted to fix whatever was wrong. And Jared actually _could_ fix what was wrong here, but Jensen didn’t want to have this not-so-little heart to heart at 3am in a hospital room. So he just shrugged.

Jensen woke to the sound of beeping and the smell of bleach. _Hospital_ , he automatically thought before closing his eyes again. He was too tired and too out of it to worry about what happened or why he was here or who’s hand was holding his or…well, anything really. He just didn’t care, not yet; but he knew he would sooner or later once the fog in his head cleared, so he decided to make the most of his current indifference and get some more sleep, even if that sleep came with a tiny hospital bed and needles stuck in his arms and wires attached to his chest. He drifted back to unconsciousness before anyone noticed that he’d woken up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Turned out that Jensen didn’t have alcohol poisoning; his fainting was due to a combination of mild dehydration, about twenty shots of whiskey, and just a little stupidity. And Jared was _pissed_.

“Dammit, Jensen! You almost gave me a heart attack!” Jared was pacing back and forth in front of Jensen’s bed, his hands waving wildly and his hair sticking up everywhere from spending the last three hours using it as a stress reliever. “What the fuck were you thinking? Why were you drinking so much, and on a Sunday night? You’re lucky we have a late call tomorrow! And you fucking offered to pick me up from the airport! Were you planning on wrapping your car around a pole?!”

“No, of course not! I—I dunno, Jay. I’m sorry? But it’s just…I mean, I’m fine, I would have been fine even if you didn’t bring me here. I think maybe you’re overreacting a little bit.” Two seconds later and Jensen could have kicked himself for causing that look of horror and fury on Jared’s face. The alcohol might be making its way out of Jensen’s system, but apparently the stupidity was still coursing strong through him.

“Overreacting? _Overreacting?_ Are fucking kidding me?!” Jensen bit his lip and looked down at the ugly blanket covering him.

“Jensen…” Jared’s voice had gone suddenly soft and Jensen looked up slowly, carefully, not sure what to expect. “If I had done something like this, how would you have handled it? You’d be calm and collected and—and… _apathetic_?” Jensen winced at the rawness of Jared’s voice. No, he sure as hell would not be calm and cool and collected and apathetic. He’d be freaking the fuck out, probably even worse than Jared was now.

“No,” Jensen admitted with a sigh, “I think you’re being levelheaded compared to how I would react.” Jared rolled his eyes and threw one hand up in a “See?” gesture, and Jensen looked back down at the bed.

“Why?” Jared asked a few minutes later.

“Why what?”

“Why were you drinking so much? And _by yourself_?” Jensen picked nervously at a loose thread on the blanket. He’d been hoping Jared wouldn’t ask him that, but of course Jared would ask him that. That’s what Jared did: he cared and he wanted to fix whatever was wrong. And Jared actually _could_ fix what was wrong here, but Jensen didn’t want to have this not-so-little heart to heart at 3am in a hospital room. So he just shrugged.

“You don’t even know?” Jared asked incredulously. “Wait…you’re not—I mean, Jen…has this, um, been happening very often?” Jensen finally looked up at Jared and snorted.

“No, Jay. I don’t make a habit of getting so plastered that I end up in the hospital.” Jared sagged with relief with the knowledge that Jensen was not turning into an alcoholic, but the break in tension was short-lived.

“So there was reason.” It was a statement, not a question, and Jensen didn’t think he could get away with telling Jared such a bald-faced lie that he _didn’t_ have a reason; Jared could see through him too well.

“Yes, Jared,” he sighed, “there was a reason.” His voice was rougher than he expected it to be, and he could feel his emotions clawing their way to the surface while he tried desperately to push them down, at least until he was back home and alone again.

Jared sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed. His hand automatically went to Jensen’s foot and he squeezed absentmindedly. He stayed silent, but Jensen knew that didn’t mean he was off the hook.

“I…I can’t really talk about it right now,” he said quietly.

“Even to me?” Jared didn’t sound angry anymore, just hurt. When Jensen nodded, Jared’s face fell even more. “Why not? Is it something bad?” Jensen shook his head. “Are you embarrassed?” Jensen shrugged but still stayed silent. “Is it…” Jared hesitated. He looked nervous, almost scared. “Is it about me?” Jensen looked up sharply. “It is,” Jared sounded horrified. “Is it—are you sick of me? Is that why you got so wasted? You didn’t want to see me tonight?”

“What? No! No, of course not! Why would you even think that?!” Jared still looked doubtful, even in the face of Jensen’s vehement denial. “I told you it wasn’t anything bad, Jay,” Jensen said more softly.

“But you’re embarrassed.”

“Well,” Jensen hedged, “yeah, kinda. But Jare, I’m kinda shy, if you haven’t noticed…” Jared lifted his eyebrow in mock surprise.

“You? Shy? I had _no_ idea!”

“Oh, shut up, sasquatch,” Jensen said. If Jared was joking, then that meant his anger and fear was starting to dissipate. “I’m not embarrassed like farted-in-class embarrassed,” Jensen clarified. “I’m just…a lot of stuff makes me uncomfortable. And that has nothing do with you personally,” Jensen added quickly, seeing Jared’s expression darken slightly and trying to head off whatever guilt Jared was unnecessarily taking on.

“And you don’t want to talk to me about it because it has to do with me,” Jared finished.

“Well, not right now,” Jensen said, gesturing around to the room and the hospital bed he was propped up in (though luckily still in his own clothes).

Jared nodded. “Yeah, that’s understandable.”

Jensen thought bitterly about how close he had come to spilling his secret just hours ago, and then he’d gone and messed it up by puking in front of Jared, and then fucking _fainting_. He wished desperately that he could erase the whole evening from his brain, use bleach and a scouring pad to rub his mind raw and clean, just start over completely, worried that after that embarrassing display, Jared would pull away.

But Jared hadn’t left; he was here even four hours later, a solid and warm presence against Jensen, and Jensen thought that maybe he hadn’t screwed everything up. Either way, Jensen couldn’t erase the events from the night.

Besides…he always did hate the smell of bleach.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jared drove them back to Jensen’s apartment just after 4am. Jensen expected Jared to leave after walking him inside (and holding onto his elbow the whole time like he was ninety years old instead of twenty-seven), but Jared just puttered around the kitchen until Jensen finally said something.

“You can go home, Jay. You…I don’t want to keep you up any longer. You should really get some sleep.” Jared just looked at Jensen like he’d grown a second head.

“If you think I’m leaving you alone after what just happened, you’re delusional.”

“Jared, I’m fine.”

“I don’t care, I’m not leaving. I’ll just…sleep on the couch, if that’s okay.” Jensen glanced back and forth between his couch and Jared.

“And _how_ are you going to fit on it?” Jensen wouldn’t describe his sofa as being small, but it definitely wasn’t Jared-sized either.

Jared shrugged. “I’m kinda used to sleeping on things that are too small, it’ll be fine.” Jensen rolled his eyes in exasperation.

“Well…” An idea had popped into Jensen’s head, but he was nervous to suggest it, especially after the evening’s…adventure.

“Yeah?” Jared urged.

“I mean, I have a king bed. You can…it’d be plenty big enough for both of us,” Jensen said quietly, surprised when Jared’s face lit up like a Christmas tree.

“You sure?”

“If you’re not gonna go home, then yeah. You need to sleep, I’ve already kept you up way later than I should have and—”

“Jensen,” Jared cut in, “it’s okay. I’m not mad or anything, k? But…”

“What?”

“Will you talk to me? About whatever this was? Not right now,” he added quickly, “but soon?”

Jensen sighed in resignation. The thought terrified him, but he knew he was going to have to tell Jared sooner or later, would have had to tell him even if Jared hadn’t had to drive him drunk and unconscious to the hospital.

“Yeah, Jay. I’ll tell you,” Jensen promised, and that was good enough for Jared because he clapped his hands together almost excitedly.

“Awesome. But, uh, you should probably take a shower.”

“Do I stink that bad?” Jensen joked.

“Nah, but it might make you feel a little better.”

“Well, you spent all day on an airplane and then all night in a hospital. You should probably take one too,” Jensen pointed out. Jared froze.

“B-but…you only have one shower…” And damn if Jared just put some really enticing images in Jensen’s head. Unfortunately, he knew they were a long way from that, though he didn’t understand why Jared had sounded so serious, almost nervous when he made that comment.

“Uh. We can take turns, Jared…” Jensen said slowly.

“Oh, right. Duh. Um, sorry.” Jared’s cheeks blushed the most adorable shade of pink and Jensen had to turn around to hide what he was sure was a blatant look of desire on his face.

“I’ll grab you a towel and some pajamas, if you wanna, y’know,” Jensen said, waving towards the bathroom.

“Okay,” Jared said quietly, and Jensen could have sworn he looked disappointed, but the expression was gone as quickly as it had appeared, and Jared was already walking down the hall to the bathroom.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They didn’t fall asleep until after five in the morning, and Jensen wished that one day maybe he could keep Jared awake that late—early—for other more enjoyable reasons. Jared was gone when Jensen woke up just after noon (and thank god for their 3pm call time that day), and he was disappointed by his friend’s absence until he wandered into the kitchen and saw a note left on the counter.

_Jen—_

_Had to go take care of Sadie and grab some clean clothes. I’ll be back around one with lunch, and don’t even bother trying to argue with me because I won’t answer my phone if you call._

_—Jay_

Jensen’s stomach did a little flip. Jared was being so…domestic. Is this what living with him would be like? And wow, where did that thought come from? Jensen knew he liked—shit, _loved_ —Jared, but…living together? Jensen’s brain was about two miles ahead of his actions, but none of those commitment-thoughts scared him like they had so many times before in his life. He decided that Project Woo Padalecki (damn Jason and his weird habit of naming _everything_ ) needed to be put into action. Immediately.

Step one: take Jared on a date (even if he didn’t know he was being taken on a date). Piece of cake…right?


	8. Tsunami

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen ran and processed at the same time, and the conclusion that he finally came to—one he hoped to hell was wrong—crashed over him like a tsunami, causing him to stumble and almost take the next twenty steps down on his face instead of his feet.
> 
> Jared’s legs were longer, but Jensen was determined. And fucking terrified. Jared probably didn’t want to talk about it—whatever _it_ actually was—be he’d also been the one to bring it up in the first place, so some part of him must have wanted Jensen to know. At least, Jensen hoped that was true, and that Jared didn’t think he’d made a huge mistake hinting at this… _thing_.

“Hey, Jared…” Jared turned to look at Jensen without pausing his filling of a third Styrofoam container full of food.

“What’s up?”

“Well, it’s really nice out, y’know? And I found this cool spot like two minutes away, if we wanted a change of scenery from your trailer? For dinner,” Jensen said.

“Dude, _yeah_! Sounds great,” Jared replied happily. “I just…lemme grab one more.”

“ _Four_ , Jay? Really?” Jensen laughed. Five months and he still couldn’t get over how much Jared ate.

“I’m a growing boy, Ackles!”

“God, I hope not. I refuse to let you be more than three inches taller than me.”

“Oh, you _refuse_ , huh?”

“Yep! In fact, I _forbid_ it,” Jensen said sternly, but he couldn’t keep a smile off his face.

“And how, pray tell, will you _make_ me not grow anymore?” Jared asked heatedly. Jensen gulped.

“Um…feed you lots of coffee and cigarettes?” he answered lamely. Jared scrunched his nose up in disgust.

“If I promise not to get taller, will you please not force your evil habits on me?” he begged comically.

“Wha—I don’t smoke!”

“Uh, please. I’ve been to more than a few bars with you, I see you mooch smokes off of people.”

“Only when I’m drinking,” Jensen muttered.

“Y’know,” Jared said casually, “kissing someone who smokes isn’t the most enjoyable thing.” He was playing with one of the serving spoons for the pasta salad and pointedly not looking at Jensen. And Jensen, well, he wasn’t sure why Jared had even mentioned that, but he decided right then and there to never touch a cigarette again, just in case this whole thing worked out and he actually got to kiss Jared. Hopefully soon, and hopefully often.

“Fine, fine,” he said with fake exasperation, “I’ll stop smoking, just in case I ever have to kiss you,” he chuckled, making it sound like a joke but actually trying to suss out how Jared reacted to the idea of kissing him.

“That’s the best idea you’ve had.” Jared said it like…like it was a _promise_.

And then he was folding the lid down on his fourth and final food container and stacking it on top of the other three, and the moment was gone.

“Can you grab me a Coke and a water?” He glanced at Jensen’s half-full container. “You on a diet or something?” Jensen looked down at his food, confused. Jared may have brushed past the comment, but Jensen was still firmly stuck on it, the _maybe-implication_ of it, that he was starting to believe he might have just completely imagined.

“Oh, uh, no?” Jensen finally snapped out of his reverie and answered Jared’s question. “Just still have a bit of a hangover, I guess. Not really very hungry.” Jared offered a genuine look of sympathy.

“Well, maybe the food will help. So, you gonna show me this super awesome place you found?”

“Yeah, of course,” Jensen replied. He grabbed a handful of drinks from the cooler before leading Jared away from the craft services tent and set, weaving through the trees until they couldn’t see any other people.

Two minutes later, Jensen stopped at the edge of a small cliff. It had a breathtaking view out over a valley, still lush and green from the lingering summer weather. Jensen could make out wildflowers, bright purple and red and yellow and _carefree_ (and Jensen decided right then and there that yes, flowers could _absolutely_ be carefree), sprinkled generously throughout the tall grass. Jared sucked in a breath.

“Shit,” Jared whistled long and low, “it’s amazing! How’d you find this place?” Jensen flushed a pleasant pink and rubbed the nape of his neck, not embarrassed but pleased by Jared’s reaction.

“Uh…on Thursday I had to take a leak and I kinda hate the smell of those portable bathrooms, especially after being used by thirty people for ten hours…” Jared nodded vigorously in agreement, “…so I wandered over this way where no one could see me and I ended up stumbling across this place. I just, um, wanted you to see it before we finished this episode. Because I don’t know when we’ll be back here, especially while it’s still summer. I…I thought you’d like it.” he explained, trailing off nervously at the end. It had be less than a minute—though it felt like hours to Jensen—that Jared remained motionless and silent before finally setting his food down and enveloping Jensen in a hug.

“It’s beautiful,” he whispered breathlessly, words simple and voice hushed but all of it suffused with something deeper and more compelling, like a tsunami still far off the coast: a small, seemingly-inconsequential wave for the moment but carrying the promise of sweet destruction.

Jensen shivered.

It might not have been a fancy restaurant, grilled chicken and store-quality cookies instead of sixty-dollar steaks and perfectly aged wine, but there was no doubt in Jensen’s mind that this was a date. And even though Jared didn’t know, Jensen thought that maybe a part of Jared still felt it, because he sat a little closer and spoke a little softer and gave Jensen a lingering hug before they headed back.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen put into action stage two of Project Woo Padalecki the next evening. For a split-second he had a flash of panic, worried he was moving too fast, but he reminded himself that he and Jared had been friends for more than five months now, so the whole getting-to-know-each-other phase had long since passed. He also called Jason for a pep talk, because he was much more nervous for this part of the plan than the last one. Step two was finding out if Jared was strictly straight or (hopefully) a little more bendy.

“Find a way to ask him about his first kiss,” Jason said.

“And how the hell do I segue into _that_ conversation? Because I can’t just ask that out of the blue. Hell, his, um, _private_ life is like the only thing he doesn’t talk to me about,” Jensen said. “Even when I thought he was dating Sandy, he never talked about her.”

“And now you know why he didn’t,” Jason supplied. “Which is a good thing! He’s a free agent, _and_ the fact that they were never a couple makes your whole ‘he’s completely straight’ theory pretty weak.”

“Maybe,” Jensen muttered.

“You could get him a little drunk,” Jason suggested. Jensen rolled his eyes.

“After Sunday night, I don’t think Jared’s gonna let me touch even a bottle of beer for at least a month, and he’s the kind of person that if I’m not drinking, neither will he.”

“Well if you ever become an alcoholic, at least you know you’d have his full support whenever you got sober,” Jason joked.

“Shut up. But seriously, how do I lead into a question like that?”

“Hmm…Okay, so he keeps pushing you to tell him your secrets or whatever, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Then tell him something private—and it doesn’t have to be your feelings, just tell him something that not a lot of people know about you. Then it’ll just be about quid pro quo. You told him something private, so then it’ll be his turn. And you know he won’t say no, he’d be too excited that you finally told him something,” Jason said.

“That’s…not the worst idea.”

“I know, I know. I’m a genius.”

“You’re something,” Jensen said. “Okay, he’s gonna be here soon, I’ll let you know how it goes.”

“It’ll go great,” Jason assured him, enough confidence to make up for the utter lack of Jensen’s own.

“I fucking hope so.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen convinced Jared to let him drink (“I won’t have more than two beers, Jay. Promise!”) with dinner that night. He could tell Jared was torn, wanting a beer for himself to go with their Thai food but still refusing to drink if he wasn’t going to let Jensen. He quickly caved after Jensen pointed out that he _really_ wasn’t an alcoholic—nor in danger of becoming one—and he promised that, for the next month, he would only drink if Jared was around to monitor him. That agreement set Jared’s mind at ease almost immediately, and although Jensen felt a little like an eighteen year old whose parents were allowing him to have a glass of wine at his graduation party, he didn’t care; in fact, he figured he could use it to his advantage. Because now, he had another excuse for being around Jared outside of work as much as possible, filling up that last miniscule gap of free time they didn’t already spend together. Fuck, Jared might as well move in with Jensen, and—

Jensen yanked his mind away from that thought so hard he got mental whiplash; this was _so_ not the time, he was getting way ahead of himself yet again, and _fuck_ , he’d never even _considered_ living with someone (non-related) before, let alone actually done it. Hell, he even refused to have a roommate when he moved out to L.A. even though he knew it would have cut down on rent and bills and allowed him to get a nicer place. But to him, having to live with someone was not worth the financial trade-off.

But _now…_ Jensen would gladly pay twice as much for rent _and_ live in an apartment the size of a shoebox if it meant having Jared there with him permanently.

Jensen considered briefly that he’d been replaced by a pod person without knowing. Or perhaps the existence of Jared was poking holes in his sanity. But if this was what going insane felt like, well, bring on the straightjacket.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen waited until there was a lull in the movie (though it was Die Hard, which they’d both seen about a thousand times, so Jensen could have talked nonstop through the whole damn thing and they’d still know exactly what was happening on screen at any given moment) to get down to business, so to speak. That business being wooing of Jared, obviously.

“So, Jay.” Jensen’s voice must have carried an edge of seriousness because Jared looked at him immediately, turning his whole body so that his left leg was folded up onto the couch and he was facing Jensen directly. He even set his half-finished food down on the coffee table, and that was how Jensen knew he had Jared’s complete and undivided attention. The full force of it was always a little…intimidating, and it made him hesitate.

“Jen?” Jared’s voice was so soft and uncertain that it spurned Jensen on.

“So…y’know how you want to, um, know more stuff about me?”

“I remember the ‘whys’ conversation, yes,” Jared replied, tone a little lighter this time.

“Yeah. So, uh, I can tell you some stuff. _But_ ,” he added before Jared had a chance to open his mouth, because Jensen could see the look of pure glee on his friend’s face, “I need you to, like, tell me stuff too.” Jared quirked his eyebrow in question and the combination of excitement and confusion made for quite an unusual expression. He somehow managed to look even more adorable than usual, and Jensen hadn’t thought that was possible.

“I can’t just sit here and tell you stuff if you don’t do the same. It’d feel too much like…like therapy, or some shit,” Jensen explained.

“Okay, Jen. Of course.” Jensen let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding before taking a long swig of beer. He was getting close to finishing the bottle but luckily he’d paced himself and this was only his first. And he could probably convince Jared to go for a third, if this conversation lasted longer than ten minutes.

“Okay. Okay,” Jensen said, psyching himself up by replaying his earlier conversation with Jason. He decided to let Jared take the lead, wanting to get a gauge on the kind of questions Jared had burning inside him. “What do you want to know first?”

Jared grinned, and Jensen was glad for once that the smile was only happiness and reassurance, with no trace of the usual devilish glint.

“I’ll start with something hopefully easy,” he said, and Jensen let out a small sigh. “I know you hate green beans. Like, _hate_ them. I mean, that one day I made you dinner and I slaved for hours—”

“You were in the kitchen forty minutes, tops,” Jensen scoffed but was quickly silenced by Jared’s gaze.

“Slaved over a hot stove for what _felt like_ hours, and when I begged you to try just one measly bite of the green beans, you almost hurled your plate at my head.” Jensen pursed his lips, trying not to laugh at the memory. He’d felt bad because (of course) Jared hadn’t known about Jensen’s vicious loathing of green beans—it had only been the fourth or fifth time that they’d hung out—but he’d gotten angry when Jared wouldn’t take his no for an answer. And yeah, Jensen almost had hurled his plate, though he would have aimed for the wall, not Jared’s head. Jensen wasn’t _that_ violent, even when it came to the dreaded vegetable. Besides, Jared’s face was _way_ too pretty to have anything thrown at it.

“And you want to know…”

“Why you’d rather ruin precious friendships than just eat one tiny little green bean!”

“Okay, first off, if you stopped being my friend because I refused to eat your green beans, that’s _so_ not cool.” Jared rolled his eyes but tipped his head in agreement. “Second, I had a traumatic green bean experience as a child.” Jensen paused and Jared tapped his foot in mock impatience.

“Christ, fine. I was like ten or something and I already didn’t really like green beans, and one evening we had them with dinner. When I wouldn’t eat them, my mom wouldn’t let me leave the table until I finished them. I sat there for maybe two hours, finally choked them down, then proceeded to throw them right back up all over myself and the table.”

Jared cracked up, tears soon streaming down his face. “Oh my god, Jen. If I’d have known…I mean, I totally would’ve given you shit about it, but I wouldn’t have actually tried to make you eat them!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jensen muttered. “Okay, your turn.” Jared wiped at his eyes, laughter still coming in spurts.

“Wh-whaddya wanna know?” he gasped between breaths. Jensen tried to think of an easy question to lob back at Jared, but _Whowasyourfirstkiss? Whowasyourfirstkiss? Whowasyourfirstkiss?_ ran incessantly through his mind, blotting out everything else. _Fuck it,_ Jensen thought, and went for it.

“Who was your first kiss?” And that certainly put a stopper on Jared’s sporadic chuckles.

“My…first kiss?”

“Yeah. And how old were you?” Jensen asked, watching Jared blush a bright pink.

“Um,” Jared cleared his throat. “Uh, who was _your_ first kiss?”

“Nuh uh, Jared, you already asked your question. You have to answer mine first.”

Jared sighed. “I’ll tell you who my first kiss _and_ who my last kiss was _if_ you go first.” Jensen wasn’t sure why it mattered who Jared had last kissed, but he said it like it meant something, like it was more important than usual, so Jensen couldn’t pass up his offer.

“Okay,” Jensen said. “I was fourteen and her name was Sara Ludowski and it was totally cliché. I kissed her under the bleachers during a football game.” Jensen didn’t mention that, by that time, he’d already suspected that he was gay and he kissed her to test out his theory. It was the first and last girl he ever kissed.

Jared giggled. “Under the bleachers at a football game? Seriously?”

“Dude! It was _Texas_.”

“Fair point,” Jared conceded. He looked at Jensen nervously. “Just uh, don’t laugh at me?”

“I mean, if you like sneezed in her mouth or something, I’ll probably laugh. But…no, Jay. I won’t laugh _at_ you, promise.” Jared was almost red with embarrassment, but he started talking.

“My first _and_ last kiss…I was sixteen and…his name was Scott Miller.” Jensen’s brain stuttered to a halt. He watched as Jared sat there, anxiously chewing on his bottom while Jensen tried to process what Jared had just confessed.

First _and_ last? _His_ name? What the—

“Do you—I mean, are you—um, do you, like, not like to do that stuff?” Jensen stammered lamely.

“You trying to ask if I’m…” Jared paused and Jensen could tell he was searching for the correct term, the one Jensen hadn’t been able to utter. Not that there was anything wrong with it, he just…he didn’t want to say it because he was scared of how Jared would respond.

“Asexual,” Jensen supplied.

“Right, that,” Jared snapped. “And no. I’m not.”

“But you…” Jensen had so many questions and he didn’t know which to ask first. Why had Jared only ever kissed one person? And, shit, it was a _guy_? Did that mean Jared was gay?

“You’re gay?” Jensen blurted out. Jared’s eyebrows scrunched together and his lip curled up slightly in a grimace.

“Uh, yeah? I thought you knew. Well, I thought that until Sunday night. I was about to tell you but you bolted on me to make friends with the toilet before I could get it out.”

“Oh.”

Jensen swore he heard invisible crickets.

“I’m gay.”

Jared just nodded, his expression neutral in the face of Jensen’s confession. Jensen swallowed. Shit, this was not going how he expected it to go. Jared had known Jensen was gay, maybe this whole time, and yet…he’d never made a move. Maybe Jared just didn’t like him like that. The thought made his stomach sink in disappointment, so he tried to distract himself by asking another question.

“How come you’ve only dated one person?”

“We didn’t date,” Jared snapped. He was still blushing, but it wasn’t out of embarrassment anymore. Jared looked…angry. And scared.

“Sorry,” Jensen whispered. “It’s—I know it’s not my business. I’m sorry.” Jared took a deep breath and Jensen saw some of the anger melt away. The fear was still there, though.

“I need to go,” he mumbled, turning towards the door and away from Jensen. He strode across the room, grabbing his keys off the counter and stuffing his feet into his shoes.

“Jared, wait.” Jared didn’t answer, didn’t even look at Jensen, but his movements stilled and Jensen took it as a sign to keep talking. “I don’t—um, I don’t know what’s wrong, or if I did something, so I don’t know how to help. But if you need to talk…” Jared finally looked up, and the only thing Jensen saw in his eyes was sadness.

“I didn’t _want_ to kiss Scott Miller,” he whispered brokenly, and then he was out the door and down the hallway, disappearing into the stairwell just as Jensen lunged out of his apartment and sprinted down the hall after him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen ran and processed at the same time, and the conclusion that he finally came to—one he hoped to hell was wrong—crashed over him like a tsunami, causing him to stumble and almost take the next twenty steps down on his face instead of his feet.

Jared’s legs were longer, but Jensen was determined. And fucking terrified. Jared probably didn’t want to talk about it—whatever _it_ actually was—be he’d also been the one to bring it up in the first place, so some part of him must have wanted Jensen to know. At least, Jensen hoped that was true, and that Jared didn’t think he’d made a huge mistake hinting at this… _thing_.

He managed to catch up to Jared on the last landing.

“Stop. Jared, _stop_!” He grabbed Jared’s arm, causing Jared to swing around and face him. His cheeks were streaked with tears and without stopping to think, Jensen gathered him into a tight hug. He stroked Jared’s damp-with-sweat hair and whispered soft assurances in his ears and Jared shook against him.

“It’s okay, Jay. You’re okay. I’m here. I’m sorry, so sorry. It’ll be okay, I promise. I’m here.”

They spent ten minutes like that, and Jensen never relaxed or loosened his grip around Jared. Once Jared had stopped shaking as much, Jensen convinced him to go back upstairs, taking the elevator this time instead of trying to trudge up eleven flights of stairs.

During the whole elevator ride, the walk down the hall to Jensen’s door, and the stumbling inside of his apartment, Jared never let go of Jensen.

“You wanna shower? You might feel a little better?” Jensen asked in a whisper. Jared just shrugged, so Jensen pulled him towards the bedroom, towards the bed, flopping down tiredly, the whole time Jared still never losing contact with him.

Jensen arranged Jared so that his head was on a pillow and his feet weren’t hanging off the side.

“You want your jeans off?” Jared nodded sleepily but made no move to get rid of them, so Jensen did it himself, motions quick and efficient and business-like; this was _not_ the time for his mind to get dragged into the gutter, and for once his subconscious agreed, because Jensen didn’t feel any spark of arousal, just fear and trepidation and concern. And anger. He really wanted to punch this Scott Miller kid in the face.

Jared was already asleep by the time Jensen tugged his jeans over his feet and off completely, so he shed his own jeans before climbing into bed next to Jared and pulling the sheet and comforter up over them both; he’d take care of the leftover food and the movie still playing in a few minutes. Right now, he just wanted to lay there, fingers combing gently through Jared’s hair, his other hand still gripped tightly by Jared’s own, like Jared was in a stormy sea being pounded down by waves and Jensen was his meager life raft, the only thing keeping his head above water.


	9. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Jay…we need to talk.” When Jared said nothing, didn’t even look at him, Jensen continued. “About last night…”  
> “Why?” Jared finally snapped, letting his fork fall down, missing the Styrofoam container to clatter softly on the coffee table, pieces of rice scattering out on the wood and down onto the floor.
> 
> “Because you scared the hell out of me! And I figured…I dunno, Jay. I just, I wanna help, okay?”
> 
> “There’s nothing to help with.”
> 
> “Please don’t lie to me,” Jensen pleaded softly. “Especially not about this.”
> 
> “Especially not about this? _Please_ ,” Jared scoffed. “Look, even _if_ there was something to talk about, why would you think right now is a good time?”
> 
> “Would _any_ time be a good time?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long wait between updates. I've been in a writing funk the last few weeks and I've been having a hard time with getting any of my ideas down on paper. (That is always the suckiest, when you have PLENTY of ideas in your head but attempting to put them into words is where you hit a wall. So frustrating.) Also, I know I haven't replied to any of your comments in the last week or two and I'm sorry for that, but I've read every single one and I _really_ appreciate them, so thank you so so much.
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains a brief and non-graphic description of attempted non-con. (Description appears in dialogue discussing a past event.) Again, I think it's pretty mild; if anyone feels that it needs a stronger warning, just let me know.

Half an hour later and Jensen was still having to take deep, calming breaths every other minute to keep himself from freaking out. Jared had fallen into a light (and thankfully not-too-fitful) sleep but Jensen’s mind continued racing, replaying the evening’s unexpected turn of events.

Seriously, _what the fuck had just happened_?

He was completely clueless as to how the conversation had gone from Jared giggling over Jensen’s green bean trauma to…to…well, Jensen _still_ wasn’t sure what, and all he could do was pray desperately that his imagination was just being overactive and morbid and focusing on the very worst-case scenario, a scenario that hopefully Jared hadn’t actually experienced.

He let himself lay there for another twenty minutes; Jared was curled up warm against Jensen’s side and he absently carded his fingers through his friend’s shaggy brown hair, the repetitive movement doing more to soothe him than the deep breathing. Eventually, he dragged himself out of bed—slowly and silently to make sure Jared didn’t wake up—before heading into the living room to clean up the food they’d left out and to turn off the TV.

After he put everything away, he sat on the couch and paid no attention to the time as he lost himself in his thoughts once again. He knew that he’d have to talk to Jared about what had happened, but to say he dreaded the conversation was an understatement. Not because he didn’t want to be there for the kid, but because he wasn’t sure _how_ to be there, _what_ he could do to help. This kind of situation was completely foreign to him; he’d been fortunate enough to never experience something like this either firsthand _or_ secondhand while growing up.

When he realized he was so on edge that he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep for another couple of hours, Jensen picked up the phone and called Chris. He’d considered calling Jason, as he was the only person aware of Project Woo Padalecki, but Jensen hadn’t talked to Christ about Jared nearly as much, so he figured he would be able to explain the problem while still keeping Jared’s anonymity; plus, Jensen was pretty sure that Chris had some experience in this particular area. Chris’s childhood hadn’t been nearly as… _middle class_ as Jensen’s had been, and he knew his friend had faced down some serious shit, whether personally or through his other friends.

“Jensen!” Chris greeted him in a manner completely opposite of the mood Jensen was currently in, but it was like Chris had a sixth sense, because before Jensen could even answer, Chris asked hastily, “Shit, what happened?”

“Hi to you to,” Jensen replied. “And nothing _happened_ …”

“Bullshit.” Chris sighed and his gruff voice softened slightly. “I can tell something is wrong, man. Besides, _you_ called _me_ , so whatever’s wrong…let me help?”

Jensen huffed, not frustrated with his friend but with the whole damn crappy situation. “Fine. It’s…okay, I’m not gonna tell you who told me this because it’s pretty personal, plus I only got a quick glimpse into the…the _problem_. But, uh…” he trailed off, trying to figure out how to relay what little information that Jared had let slip. “Okay, so. I was talking with someone today and I’m not really sure if they told me this on accident or not because they freaked almost right after but it also seemed intentional because of what they said beforehand.”

“Okay…” Chris said, confusion evident in his voice.

“Nevermind, that part doesn’t really matter. Basically, this person, well, they let slip that, uh, something happened to them a few years back. They didn’t even tell me enough for me to know just how bad it was, how far it got, but…apparently their first kiss was a little, um, one-sided.”

“One-sided? Like…?”

“Like, one side wanted it but this person definitely did not.”

“Oh,” Chris said soberly. Jensen was grateful that his friend knew him well enough to understand what he was saying without having to explicitly state it, because Jensen wasn’t sure he could at the moment.

“Yeah. I don’t…I’m not sure… Fuck, how the hell do I handle this?”

“Well, for starters, are you sure this is something that is yours to handle?” Chris asked.

“Yes,” Jensen replied immediately. He knew that if he told Chris that they were talking about Jared then Chris wouldn’t have even bothered to ask that, but Jensen already felt shitty, like he was betraying Jared by telling Chris Jared’s secret even without Chris knowing who it was about.

“Okay. Is it particularly urgent, handling this? I mean, you mentioned that it happened a few years back, so you’re not dealing with immediate aftermath here, right?”

“No, but…but we’re at my apartment and they just fell asleep and…well, it’s going to need to be addressed sooner rather than later.”

“How soon is sooner?”

“Next few days,” Jensen replied. Chris hummed in thought.

“Well, you’re not a therapist, Jensen, and it’s possible that a therapist is what this person needs, especially if they’ve never really addressed or dealt with what happened. But I think you need to get the full story, or as much as possible. Because, honestly? Being forced to kiss someone is not a pleasant experience by any means, but there’s a _huge_ difference between that and rape.”

Jensen’s breath hitched at Chris’s last word; he’d said it so casually, not like it wasn’t a big deal but like he was comfortable with the word, as if he’d both heard it and had to say it many times before. Jensen hadn’t, though, and that one little syllable shook him to his core.

“That’s what I need help with,” Jensen said after collecting himself. “Like I said, I’m not even sure if they meant to tell me anything at all, maybe it was an accident. And…fuck, how am I supposed to ask someone to relive what could possibly be one of the worst memories of their life?”

“Be honest,” Chris said simply. “Tell them that you’re worried, that you don’t know if they meant to tell you or not but you’re glad that they did because you want to help. Make sure they know that you won’t judge them and that whatever happened, it wasn’t their fault. Then be patient and listen.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“Simple, Jensen. It’s simple, yes. But simple is _not_ the same as easy. Look,” Chris continued after a pause, “if you feel like you’re close enough to this person that you want to help them with this, then they’ll probably welcome your help or support or whatever, even if they aren’t consciously aware of that yet. And honestly, you might be surprised at how they respond to you bringing it up, especially once they see that your concern and understanding is genuine.”

“I really fucking hope so,” Jensen said. “Thanks, Chris. I know this probably isn’t the kind of conversation you want to have in the middle of the night, but…”

“Anytime, Jensen, and I mean that. Now, go get your beauty sleep. You wouldn’t want Padalecki to see you with ugly bags under your eyes,” Christ teased.

“Fucker,” Jensen muttered without heat before hanging up. Apparently even Chris knew about his crush. Awesome.

He flicked off the lights before heading back to the bedroom. He slid onto his bed and under the covers and Jared immediately glued himself to Jensen’s side, causing tension that Jensen didn’t even know he was holding to ease out of him. His hand wandered back up to Jared’s hair while he fiddled with his phone, setting the alarm even though he doubted he’d need it. He had _a lot_ to mull over and he didn’t think he could work through it all in the five hours still left before they had to wake up for work.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen was jerked away by the loud and demanding buzzing of the alarm; he wished he could choose a more soothing tone or song to wake up to, but years ago on his first day of work for Days, he’d found out the hard way that if whatever sound the alarm made wasn’t brain-piercing or absurdly grating (or preferably both), he’d end up sleeping right through it.

Jensen was glad he got few hours of sleep; it meant he’d only be half a zombie at work as opposed to fully undead, but he was also a little frustrated. A part of him (admittedly against his better judgment) had wanted to wake Jared earlier than necessary to talk about what had happened the night before. He figured it was probably for the best that he’d ended up falling asleep.

Jensen would describe himself as a generally patient person, but once in a blue moon he was thrust into a situation where all that patience flew right out the window; unfortunately, this was most likely one of those situations. Unfortunate, because he assumed that he was dealing with a subject matter that specifically required gentle nudging (not insistent pushing) and a willingness to wait until Jared was ready to talk (but not let Jared put it off indefinitely), and _then_ the ability to just listen quietly, to not immediately jump up and find someone’s ass to kick. Or whatever. He knew he had a very fine line to walk, but he was worried that he wasn’t going to be able to do that, because when it came to Jared, Jensen’s very nature got twisted around and flipped inside out and upside down and he couldn’t seem to override it, couldn’t seem to override his kneejerk reaction to protect Jared and punish whoever thought it was a good idea to hurt such a sweet, innocent, caring, and trusting kid.

Because Jared really was still just a kid, no matter how tall he grew or how much he could bench press or how independent he was physically and financially and more, _he was still just a kid._ Hell, he’d only just turned twenty-three years old, and while many twenty-three year-olds—especially those who’d already been in Hollywood for six years—had long since lost their innocence and naiveté and were permanently jaded, Jared had somehow sidestepped all of that.

So as much as Jensen wanted to talk about this thing as soon as possible, he couldn’t seem to gather the willpower to force himself to slow down, so he was thankful that his body’s desperate need for sleep (and his crazy-busy schedule) were able to do it for him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Not that it ended up mattering anyways, because Jensen got what he wanted when they broke for lunch just after 11am and a knock on his trailer door informed him and Jared that, between lunch, camera issues, and a short scene involving only extras, they would have at least the next three hours free.

When Jensen turned to Jared (who had a fork full of food frozen in the air halfway to his mouth) and saw the resigned looked on his friend’s face, he knew that Jared realized what was coming.

“Jay…we need to talk.” When Jared said nothing, didn’t even look at him, Jensen continued. “About last night…”

“Why?” Jared finally snapped, letting his fork fall down, missing the Styrofoam container to clatter softly on the coffee table, pieces of rice scattering out on the wood and down onto the floor.

“Because you scared the hell out of me! And I figured…I dunno, Jay. I just, I wanna help, okay?”

“There’s nothing to help with.”

“Please don’t lie to me,” Jensen pleaded softly. “Especially not about this.”

“Especially not about this? _Please_ ,” Jared scoffed. “Look, even _if_ there was something to talk about, why would you think right now is a good time?”

“Would _any_ time be a good time?” Jensen hoped he sounded sincere and not snarky; Jared shrugged but remained silent. “Whatever happened, Jay,” Jensen whispered, laying a hand on his friend’s shoulder, “I’m really sorry.”

Almost like he was a puppet whose strings had been cut, Jared collapsed boneless against Jensen’s side. Jensen could feel his whole body shaking, shuddering with still-silent sobs. Jensen found his hand in Jared’s hair yet again, stroking it soothingly while whispering calming words against his friend’s ear. Minutes that felt like hours later, Jared took in another shuddering breath before speaking.

“It’s not as bad as what you’re probably imagining,” he said so softly that Jensen almost didn’t hear the words.

“Jay, have you ever talked to anybody about what happened?” Jensen needed to know, because he knew (theoretically, at least) that no matter how ‘not bad’ something might seem, letting it fester internally for over half a decade could add a lot more emotional damage to the incident.

“Not really, no.”

“Why not?”

Jared shrugged. “Just…didn’t want people to think I was bein’ dramatic, making too big a deal out of basically nothing.”

“Jay,” Jensen sighed sadly, “from what you’ve told me about your family, your parents, they’re good people. I don’t think they would have been upset with you because that happened; frankly, I bet they woulda been straight _pissed_ at the person who hurt you. But,” Jensen added, not wanting Jared to start to feel guilty about how he handled the aftermath on top of every other emotion he was probably feeling, “you can tell me now, if you want. I think it might help, just getting it off your chest. And you know I won’t judge you, right? _It wasn’t your fault._ And regardless of whether you think it’s a big deal or not, if it upsets you this much even seven years later, it _is_ a big deal and it matters to me, okay?”

“K,” Jared said quietly. “But just…give me a minute?” He sounded so young and timid and it broke Jensen’s heart a little bit.

“Of course.”

It took almost fifteen minutes before Jared started his story.

“There was this party, I didn’t really know the guy but we had mutual friends which is how I ended up there. It wasn’t a very big party, maybe just fifteen of us, but his parents, well, they weren’t exactly the strict kind, and they’d gone out of town for the weekend, leaving the guy home alone with an unlocked liquor cabinet.

“A few hours after my friend Ryan and I got there, some girls thought it’d be fun if we all played a spin the bottle/seven minutes in heaven combination game, like we were in middle school again or something. So, y’know, everyone sat in a circle and took turns spinning the bottle, and whoever it landed on, instead of kissing them, the two people had to go into one of the bedrooms for seven minutes.

“Anyways, a few turns in and Scott Miller’s spin landed on me. Everybody thought it was hilarious because up until then I think they hadn’t even thought about the chance that it could have landed girl-girl or boy-boy. Nobody knew I was gay; I mean, I wasn’t even really sure at that point, y’know? They were just all drunk and thought it was hysterical…and so did Scott. So he dragged me into the bedroom. I thought…I mean, I figured we’d just sit in there for the seven minutes and laugh about it, but the second the door was closed and locked he was all over me.”

Jared stopped to take a few deep breaths while Jensen was gripping his own thigh so tight he knew his nails were drawing blood, but he didn’t want Jared to notice how tense he was, how scared he was to hear what was going to come next.

“It was…well, it was gross. He was a sloppy kisser—not that I had— _have_ —anyone to compare him to, but I just kinda assumed that most people probably didn’t use that much spit. I pushed him away and he got kinda mad and said some bullshit to me. God, I’m not even sure what he was trying to convince me to do. We were both drunk but he was just _completely_ trashed. But this was also before I had my growth spurt and I was still pretty skinny, so even being wasted and uncoordinated he was still stronger than me.

“He, uh…he pushed me down onto the bed and kinda sat on me so that I couldn’t move. I thought he was gonna rip my clothes off or something, but he didn’t. He…he just unzipped his own jeans and kinda…” Jared’s breath hitched and Jensen had a pretty good idea of what this Scott Miller douche had done.

“He forced my mouth open and tried to, um, he tried to make me give him head. He wasn’t even fucking hard! I have no idea why he thought that was a good idea. He stopped, though, when he got close and I snapped my teeth closed. Maybe seeing that finally forced it through his thick skull that if he stuck his dick in my mouth, there’s a good chance it’d get bitten off.” Jensen let out a low sigh of relief that Jared had just barely managed to avoid that, but Jared kept talking and Jensen’s relief evaporated as quickly as it had appeared.

“That’s when he decided to go for my pants. He got them undone and was pulling them down…god, I don’t even know what he thought he was gonna do. I try not to think about it, honestly. But that’s when somebody started knocking on the door saying that the seven minutes were up, and it distracted him enough that I was able to push him off me and get up and pull my jeans back up. And then I kicked him in the gonads and ran out of the room pretending to be sick from the alcohol. Which everybody bought because I ended up puking in the kitchen sink. The friend I came with, Ryan, he ended up driving me home after that.”

“Jay…god,” Jensen swallowed thickly. “I don’t…god, I’m so sorry that happened.”

“Yeah, well,” Jared shrugged. “So you see why I didn’t say anything? Because nothing actually technically happened, and…I dunno. I just figured nobody would think it was worth making a fuss over. Plus, I mean, I’d lied to my parents about where I was gonna be _and_ I’d been drinking, and I knew that in a normal situation they’d be pretty mad about that, so I just tried to forget about the whole thing. That was at the end of my junior year, and it was senior year that I realized for sure that I’m gay. So between those two things, then going to L.A. and not knowing anyone and the fear of somehow being outed…it just ended up working out that nothing, uh, _romantic_ ever happened with anyone else.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Jensen said after a few minutes, then laid a gentle kiss on the top of Jared’s head. “I’m sure that wasn’t easy but I really appreciate it. And Jay? Not everyone is a bastard like Scott, and I don’t want you to think for one second that you’ll never find someone who will treat you right, okay?”

“That’s the thing, Jen…” Jared said, lifting himself up, eyes meeting Jensen’s in a gaze so intense Jensen almost looked away. “I think…I think maybe I already did find someone...”


	10. White Russian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen felt like he’d been punched in the stomach when Sandy showed up on set, bright-eyed and cheery and a direct contrast to the gray skies and Jensen’s even grayer mood. Every day when Sandy joined them for lunch in the catering tent or challenged Jensen to a game of Grand Theft Auto while all three of them were hanging out in his trailer, Jensen had to remind himself that _Jared was gay_ , Sandy was _just a good friend_ , and if he got past the now- _completely_ unwarranted jealousy, Sandy was actually fun to be around.
> 
> So he tried to relax a little, and when Jared invited him to go out with them on Saturday night (as it was Sandy’s last night in town _and_ they didn’t have to work Sunday), Jensen didn’t even consider trying to beg off. At least he was making baby steps.

Jensen would have been worried about having a minor heart attack if he hadn’t been so focused on keeping himself from freaking out. Jared had found someone? _Who_? For a millisecond, Jensen allowed himself to believe that Jared was talking about him. But that would have been too good to be true, and while Jensen was not inherently unlucky in life in general, he would swear that his love life was cursed. Maybe in a previous life he’d done something to deserve it, but he sure didn’t feel that way in this moment.

The question of who Jared had found was on the tip of his tongue when their conversation was interrupted by a loud rapping on the trailer door.

“Jensen, sorry about this, I know you were told you’d have three hours but they need you over in audio. They said it’d be ten minutes, tops,” a female PA voice called through the door, and Jensen couldn’t help but be a little pissed.

“Be right there!” he called back, then looked at Jared, who shrugged with disappointment.

“Duty calls,” Jared said, and offered a small smile when Jensen hesitated to leave. “It’s fine, Jen, really. I’ll be here when you get back. Ten minutes, okay? No worries.”

“Fine, fine,” Jensen sighed. He started to reach out to Jared but changed his mind and quickly pulled his hand back. “See you soon.”

“See ya,” Jared said quietly just before the door closed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It ended up taking Jensen twenty-five minutes—not ten—with ADR, and he wasn’t really surprised; the guy who ran audio always underestimated how much time someone would have to be there. Jensen hurried back to his trailer, trying not to look too obvious or desperate with his long strides and constant glances around. When he flung the door open and stepped inside, he immediately knew that there was no Jared. Jensen chewed on his bottom lip, nervous he’d said or done something earlier to make Jared leave.

He finally noticed the handwritten note sitting on the coffee table, hidden between food containers and video game controllers.

_Jen—_

_Got called to wardrobe so I probably won’t be here when I get back. Text me when you’re free?_

_—JP_

_Great_ , Jensen thought with a huff of disappointment. By this point, Jared had tried multiple times to tell him something that was obviously important but they’d always been interrupted, either by Jensen’s puking and passing out or Jared’s (totally justifiable) freakout or general on-set demands from the crew. And yes, Jensen was a bit (okay, _a lot_ ) nervous about what Jared had to say, because he knew the chances of Jared telling him that he liked _Jensen_ —and not someone else—were very slim. But Jared was first and foremost Jensen’s friend, and Jensen was determined not to let his stupid unrequited crush interfere with or change their friendship. So he would listen to what Jared had to say, and if his heart broke a little, well, he’d just pick up the pieces, put them in a box, stuff them down deep, and try to forget about all of it. Just like he was used to doing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Work that week was crazy, and between the extended hours of filming, Jensen’s exhaustion from long days and fried nerves, and Sandy coming up to visit Jared, they didn’t seem to have an extra minute to themselves to talk; and even if they did, Jensen had a feeling this would not be a five-minute casual conversation.

Jensen felt like he’d been punched in the stomach when Sandy showed up on set, bright-eyed and cheery and a direct contrast to the gray skies and Jensen’s even grayer mood. Every day when Sandy joined them for lunch in the catering tent or challenged Jensen to a game of Grand Theft Auto while all three of them were hanging out in his trailer, Jensen had to remind himself that _Jared was gay_ , Sandy was _just a good friend_ , and if he got past the now- _completely_ unwarranted jealousy, Sandy was actually fun to be around.

So he tried to relax a little, and when Jared invited him to go out with them on Saturday night (as it was Sandy’s last night in town _and_ they didn’t have to work Sunday), Jensen didn’t even consider trying to beg off. At least he was making baby steps.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They hit up their regular bar and were unsurprised to see a few guest stars and some of the crew there as well. Instead of hanging out with their acquaintances and friends, the found a small booth in the back situated near the currently-empty stage and the hallway that led to the restrooms and the alley out back. Jared had barely sat down when he jumped up again excitedly.

“We need drinks. Duh!” Jared exclaimed. “Sandy?”

“Pabst,” she replied, and Jensen couldn’t hide his snort. She glared at him, but he could see her lips twitching as she tried to hide a smile.

“Sandy, it’s my treat tonight. Get whatever you want,” Jared urged.

“I want Pabst.”

“Why?” It slipped out of Jensen’s mouth before he had a chance to catch it, and he cringed inwardly, hoping he didn’t sound like an asshole. Luckily, Sandy’s glare was gone and she didn’t even try to hide her smile this time.

“Beer so nice it tastes great twice,” she explained, and Jensen had to let the words run through his head a few times before he understood.

“Oh, gross! That is a _horrible_ reason to drink something,” Jensen said while fake gagging. Sandy grinned.

“Old habits left over from high school.” She looked back up to Jared. “All right, then I guess I’ll have a White Russian instead.”

“That sounds much better,” Jared approved, then turned to Jensen. “Jen, the usual?”

“Nah. Actually, I think I’ll have what she’s having.” Jensen nodded his head towards Sandy and Jared gave him a thumbs up before skipping—actually literally _skipping_ —off. Jensen chuckled at his friend.

“He really is like a big puppy, isn’t he?” Sandy said quietly.

“Yeah, but his breath smells a lot better,” Jensen said absently. When he processed his own words, he turned to Sandy with wide eyes. “I d-didn’t, I mean, um, that’s not—”

“Jensen. Relax.”

“I like him,” Jensen blurted out, then clapped his hand over his mouth as if doing that would pull back in what he’d just confessed. But Sandy didn’t laugh, didn’t even raise an eyebrow in surprise.

“I can tell,” she said with a smile. “He likes you too.”

Jensen scoffed. “Yeah, as a friend. Maybe even as a best friend, but…” He shrugged nonchalantly, then added, “Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Uh, let’s just forget I said that?” Sandy eyed him suspiciously.

“If that’s what you want…”

“No. I mean, yes, _but_ … Look, I’ll tell him. _Eventually_ ,” he stressed the last word, and Sandy got the hint. She mimed zipping her lips and throwing away the key just as Jared made his way back to the table.

Over the next twenty minutes, the group chatted on and off. Sandy mentioned a pilot she was auditioning for; Jared talked about maybe getting another dog to keep Sadie company (to which Jensen groaned half-heartedly); and Jensen mentioned that he’d put off meeting up with Tom and Mike long enough that he was starting to get major guilt-trip messages on his voicemail.

“Tom Welling and Mike Rosenbaum were on Smallville with me last year. It’s filmed in Vancouver too, so they’ve been bugging me to hang out with them since the day I moved back up here,” Jensen explained to Sandy.

“Well if you take Jared with you, that should keep them from ganging up on you,” she said.

Jensen snickered. “Oh, if I have to be subjected to those two crazies again you better believe I’m dragging Jared along with me.”

“Hey! How do you know I won’t turn traitor to you and join their evil gang?” Jared asked.

“Because they’re only loyal to each other. You try and join them, you’re gonna get your hair cut in your sleep or something.” Jared gasped and grabbed his head, attempting to cover his hair with his hands. Jensen snorted in amusement.

Noticing that Jared’s glass was now empty and Sandy’s wasn’t far behind, Jensen stood up and stretched his back for a few moments.

“Second round’s on me,” he said, then turned and weaved his way through the thickening crowd to get to the bar. The bar area was less crowded than he’d expected, but they were playing good music tonight and more people than usual were out on the dance floor.

He grabbed a stool and waited for the bartender to finish with some other customers when a stranger sidled up to Jensen and casually sat down right next to him, even though there were plenty of empty spots to either side that _weren’t_ in Jensen’s personal bubble.

Jensen _hated_ when people did that. It didn’t matter if he was in the bathroom, on a bus, in a movie theater, or sitting at a bar; he loathed when a stranger would choose a seat (or urinal) right next to him when there were plenty of others available. It creeped him out and made him uncomfortable, and this time was no different.

“Hi,” the guy said.

“Hey,” Jensen replied, trying not to be an asshole right away. Besides sitting next to him, the guy hadn’t done anything wrong, so Jensen tried to remain polite.

“Can I buy you a drink?” the guy asked, and Jensen finally looked at him fully. He had short, dark brown hair; Jensen couldn’t tell the guy’s height since they were both sitting but if he had to guess, he thought the guy looked about just shy of six feet tall. He was dressed like he’d just come from work but was still trying to appear casual; nice black slacks and leather shoes, but his light green button-down shirt had the sleeves rolled up, there was no tie, and the top three buttons of the shirt had been undone. His skin was tan and his eyes were so dark brown that Jensen couldn’t see his pupils. It reminded him of the special effects they’d been shown for the demon that would be in the next episode. It creeped him out even more.

“Um, I’m actually here with some people,” Jensen said cautiously. “Thanks, though.”

“Ah. So here with some friends or was that your way of letting me down easily and telling me you’re not available?” The guy didn’t seem angry, but Jensen just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Some part of the guy—Jensen still didn’t know his name—was causing a warning bell to go off in his head.

“Um…both.”

“Well, my loss, I guess. Let me buy you a drink anyway? No strings, obviously.”

“Actually, I told my two friends over there that this round’s on me, so thanks but not this time.”

The stranger shrugged and stood up. “Can’t blame a guy for trying.” He winked and sauntered off just as the bartender appeared in front of Jensen.

“Hey man, what can I get ya?”

Jensen tore his eyes away from the direction the guy had walked, wanting to make sure he hadn’t stopped to hover a few feet away.

“Uh, three White Russians, please.” The bartender nodded and pulled two bottles off the shelf and some cream out of the mini fridge under the bar.

“Crap. Sorry, I gotta go grab another from the back,” the bartender said a few seconds later, shaking the empty carton of cream. Jensen nodded and pulled his phone out. He’d gotten a few texts from random friends and his brother and a missed call from his dad. He started replying to the texts and didn’t notice the bartender had returned until three drinks were sat in front of him.

Jensen flipped his phone shut and grabbed some cash out of his wallet.

“Actually, somebody already paid for your drinks,” the bartender said. “Don’t know where he went but…uh, he got you a double instead of a single.”

“Ohhhhkay,” Jensen said, glancing around but unable to see the stranger in the crowd. He considered for a second asking the bartender to make them new drinks that he would pay for himself, but the stranger wasn’t bothering him for anything, and Jensen hated the thought of turning down not one but three free drinks. “Thanks,” he said, stuffing a few bills into the tip jar before grabbing the glasses carefully and walking slowly back to their table, trying hard not to spill them.

“You got a double for yourself but not us?” Jared said in mock disappointment when Jensen had set the glasses down on the table and slid the smaller ones toward his two friends. Jensen wasn’t going to mention the guy hitting on him or paying for their drinks, but it was a little weird that he would have bought himself a double and not the other two, so he spilled.

“Yeah, uh,” he coughed, clearing his throat. “This guy came up to me while I was waiting at the bar and offered to buy me a drink. I told him I was here with people so he left, but when the bartender brought the drinks he said someone had already paid for them and had upgraded my single to a double.” Jensen shrugged, wanting to change the subject. “Thought it’d be stupid to pass up free drinks so…” he waved his hand at the glasses in front of them, “enjoy.”

“Was he bothering you?” Jared asked, voice low and eyes sharp.

“No, not really,” Jensen said, surprised at Jared’s reaction. “After I told him no he left and didn’t come up to me again. Are you angry?” Jensen asked after he could have sworn he heard Jared growl. This time it was Jared who looked surprised.

“Seriously?” Jensen nodded and downed half his drink in a few gulps, waiting for Jared to explain. “ _Seriously_ seriously?” he asked again.

“Seriously, Jared. Are you mad because I got a bigger free drink than you?” Jensen giggled at his joke, but his friend didn’t seem to find it funny. Jared was just about to open his mouth when Sandy jumped in.

“Jared! How ‘bout you come dance with me? One song.” She was pushing him out of the booth before he had a chance to respond, and they stepped onto the dance floor, still in Jensen’s line of sight.

He took another swig of his drink and watched Jared and Sandy dancing goofily. Jared was a bit of a klutz, so the silliness worked for him, whereas Sandy managed the awkward moves with rhythm and grace. The steady beat of the music and the faceless crowd of people lulled Jensen into a haze. When he snapped out of it, he realized his drink was gone and Jared and Sandy were no longer at the edge of the dance floor. He hated to leave their drinks unattended but he had the sudden and very urgent need to…do _something_ , pee or puke or just wash his face, he couldn’t decide, but he needed to get to the bathroom right away.

He slid clumsily out of the booth and was glad the restroom was only a dozen feet away. He made it to the empty hallway before stumbling and reaching for the wall, but an arm wrapped around his back and held him up. At first Jensen thought it was Jared, but when he turned his head slightly and was met with the smell of cigarettes and an excessive amount of aftershave, he knew immediate that it was _not_ his friend whose arm was now holding him in a vicelike grip.

He knew because of the smell, and then the snake-like voice that whispered, “Let’s take a little walk, shall we?”


	11. Raw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Anybody could come out here at any moment,” the stranger panted slightly, and Jensen’s stomach rolled with the thought that the guy was getting off on their semi-public location. “Too bad for you that no one will,” the stranger continued with his monologue; Jensen would have rolled his eyes at the clichéd-ness of it all except for the fact that this was really happening to him. “I saw an employee take out a few bags of trash just a few minutes before we came back here, so I think we have at least a couple of hours to ourselves…not that I’ll need that long.”
> 
> The guy snickered at his own sick joke, and Jensen wished that if this was going to happen—and it looked like it was going to happen—the guy would at least shut up. If Jensen was going to be… _that_ , he didn’t want to be subjected to the stranger’s vile voice as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains _attempted_ rape/non-con.

Jensen might never win a strongman competition, but he was no lightweight either. So when he tried to pull away from the stranger and felt how much of his strength had been sapped, he knew he’d been drugged with something.

“Nuh uh uh,” the stranger tsked when Jensen tried again to pull away weakly. “Our destination is this way,” he said, and Jensen felt cool air hit his face.

It was the very beginning of fall, and the air should have felt crisp and sobering; instead, Jensen’s muted senses were assaulted with the smell of damp brick, days-old garbage, mold, and a general feeling of dirtiness. Which meant he must have been dragged to the alley behind the bar. He knew the alleyway was a dead end, so the likelihood of somebody walking by (and then actually _helping_ ) was below zero. Shit.

“Lemme go,” Jensen slurred, twisting suddenly in the man’s grip. He managed to get a good push in and heard the stranger’s breath leave his body in a whoosh as he saw the man’s back hit the brick wall of the bar. Jensen hoped it hurt.

He spun towards the door, but just as he grasped the handle the stranger was on him again. They grappled for a minute, but a six-foot-one-inch drugged actor could not beat out an almost-six-foot- _not_ -drugged-probably-rapist, so Jensen soon found his own back against wall.

“So, you like it rough, huh?” the stranger said sickeningly. “Good. I was planning on that anyways.”

Jensen was flipped around so the front of his body was pressed up painfully against the rough bricks. The movement was sharp and quick and Jensen just barely turned his head to the side to keep his nose from getting broken. He could feel the scratches forming on the side of his face, but was immediately distracted when he felt sweaty hands reach around his hips and fumble blindly with the button and zipper on his jeans.

“No, no,” Jensen murmured, trying to buck back and throw the man off him, but the stranger just laughed and pushed him harder against the wall. The drugs were in full effect now, and Jensen had no strength and very little consciousness left to fight with.

“Anybody could come out here at any moment,” the stranger panted slightly, and Jensen’s stomach rolled with the thought that the guy was getting off on their semi-public location. “Too bad for you that no one will,” the stranger continued with his monologue; Jensen would have rolled his eyes at the clichéd-ness of it all except for the fact that this was really happening to him. “I saw an employee take out a few bags of trash just a few minutes before we came back here, so I think we have at least a couple of hours to ourselves…not that I’ll need that long.”

The guy snickered at his own sick joke, and Jensen wished that if this was going to happen—and it looked like it _was_ going to happen—the guy would at least shut up. If Jensen was going to be… _that_ , he didn’t want to be subjected to the stranger’s vile voice as well.

Jensen felt his jeans and boxer briefs being pulled down, and his muscles tensed completely. He heard the sound of another zipper being undone, the rustling of fabric, and he knew the man was getting his own pants out of the way. A body pressed against Jensen’s back, and he could feel a short, half-hard length against his ass cheek. If Jensen had been even a fraction more lucid, he would have been puking his guts out when he realized that there was nothing, no jeans or boxers or _anything_ , left between the bare skin of his ass and the guy’s dick (that Jensen was _so_ going to cut off when this was over).

“Such a good boy for me,” the stranger whispered, nosing behind Jensen’s ear, and Jensen shuddered.

Then, four things happened so fast that Jensen’s head started spinning even faster. The guy’s hands squeezed Jensen’s ass cheeks and started to pull them apart; a door nearby slammed open; there was a shout of “NO!”; and the stranger was ripped back and away from Jensen.

Jensen sunk down to the sticky ground and curled in on himself. Unsure if this was a trick by the stranger to scare Jensen even more or if somebody even worse was out here now or what, Jensen laid deadly still. He knew his jeans were still down around his ankles and his butt was sticking out, but it was mostly facing the wall, so Jensen was only ninety-eight percent embarrassed, but he saved that for later; his current terror was crowding out pretty much every other emotion. A voice spoke, one Jensen thought he recognized, and though he could hear every word the person said, his synapses weren’t firing quite right and nothing was making much sense.

“Sandy? I found him. Alley behind the bar, and hurry… Fuck, Sandy, it’s…not good. _Fuck_ , just hurry.”

Jensen heard the door open again, and a few seconds later he felt warm arms wrap around him.

“Nonono,” he repeated as he struggled to free himself from the surprisingly-soft embrace.

“Jensen, Jen, calm down, it’s me, it’s Jared,” a voice said, a different voice than the stranger’s oily one.

“No, don’t, let go,” Jensen slurred, and he heard a choking sound coming from the person beside him before he was pulled up against a strong chest.

Jensen tried to push back and away, but the arms around him kept him trapped. He started to twist violently and the hold loosened slightly but stayed put. So Jensen did what any person would do in that situation: he panicked.

“ _Getoffgetoffgetoff_!” His voice was louder this time but was quickly cut off as his air supply ran out. At first he thought somebody was suffocating him, then realized he just wasn’t breathing. Or rather, he was _trying_ to breathe but it seemed that no oxygen was going in.

“Jen, calm down! Please! You’re having a panic attack. Fuck. Look, hey, can you hear me? Breathe with me.” Jensen felt the chest against him expand and contract slowly, but Jensen just kept struggling and hyperventilating.

“Jared, let him go!” a different voice called out from a few feet away. “He’s trying to get away, that’s why he’s panicking!” _Yes_ , Jensen silently agreed with the new voice, _let me go_. “Let go of him and just stay close, okay? Jared! The cops will be here in a minute.”

Finally, the arms around him withdrew and Jensen scooted back against the wall, laying on his side with his legs curled up to his chest and his eyes clamped shut.

“ _Fuck_ ,” the person beside him whispered. “Jen, can I…let me at least get your jeans up, please?”

The voice sounded so earnest and… _concerned_ , but Jensen still wasn’t sure what the person wanted. When hands—larger and more callused than the other man’s—landed lightly on his knees, he whimpered. Whatever the person planned on doing, Jensen was completely unable to stop it at this point, and he felt tears against his cheeks. He was surprised it took him this long to cry, but as the renewed fear of having something done to him again washed over him, he couldn’t hold anything back anymore.

Jensen wasn’t sure exactly what to expect from these new hands but he prepared himself for _roughpainbad_ , so when he felt his boxers and jeans being pulled back up, he was so surprised he blinked his eyes open.

“Can you lift up a little for me?” the person asked, and Jensen automatically lifted his hips off the ground; the new stranger finished redressing him, and after the jeans were zipped up and buttoned closed, Jensen sagged with relief and being completely covered. Physically, at least. Everything else about him, inside him and around him, felt stripped away and bloody raw.

“Jensen, you with me?” Jensen blinked his eyes a few times, trying to clear them and focus on the person in front of him. The guy was kneeled on the hard ground, his hands running up and down against his own jeans on the sides of his legs as if he were nervous; he had shaggy brown hair and his face looked wet, but Jensen couldn’t feel it raining. “Jen?” the guy said again, and maybe the drugs were wearing off slightly or there was one brain cell in Jensen’s head that was still functioning properly, because the word clicked into place, and only one person got to call Jensen that.

“Jared?”

“God, Jen, you…god, I’m so sorry!”

“Not…your fault…” Jensen panted; the evening’s events were catching up with him and he was starting to hyperventilate again.

“Jared, this piece of trash is starting to wake up!” the other voice—Sandy, Jensen recognized now—called out just as sirens pierced the air. The sudden influx of noises made Jensen breath even harder.

“Just kick him in the face or something!” Jared called back, then shuffled forward on his knees. “Jen, can I…I mean, do you want space?” he asked softly. Jensen nodded. “Okay, I’ll stay right here. But the ambulance is gonna be here in a few seconds, and…” Jared paused to rub a hand down his face. “They’ll need to look at you, Jen, make sure you’re okay.” Jensen shook his head violently.

“No…touching,” he choked out frantically between heaving breaths.

“Okay, no will touch you, Jen,” Jared promised. “Jen, you’re having another panic attack. Can you breathe with me this time?” Jared inhaled slowly, loudly, then exhaled in the same way. He did this several times before Jensen started to try and match his rhythm. His breathing was still too labored but he slowed it down enough that the fog in his head cleared a little and he didn’t feel like passing out anymore.

He heard a few cars pull up to the end of the alley, saw the blue and red and white lights pulsing against the sides of the buildings around them; he was glad that the eardrum-busting sirens had been silenced. Feet pounded on the pavement and a handful of men and women appeared before them. One in uniform started issuing orders and they spread out; what looked like two plain-clothes officers going into the bar, two more cops going to where Sandy was standing _on top_ of someone—and Jensen filed that sight away for later, when he could laugh again—while the cop issuing orders plus another one, as well as two EMTs, made their way to where Jensen was still huddled against the wall. He was relieved when Jared stood up and stopped them from coming too close.

“Wait,” Jared said, pitching his voice low like he didn’t want Jensen to hear, unaware that Jensen still could, “he’s already had two panic attacks because I got too close, and I’m his best friend, so I’m not sure he’ll do better with strangers right now.”

“We need to check him over,” a male EMT said, and Jensen whimpered, eyes snapping shut at the man’s voice and his mind flashing through everything that had happened in the last hour. Had it really been only an hour? It felt like a freaking lifetime.

“You sure about that?” Jared growled. Somebody sighed, though it sounded less like frustration and more like sympathy.

“Do you know what happened?”

“Only what I saw when I got here,” Jared said. “Jensen’s barely said anything, he didn’t even recognize me until just a minute ago.”

“Can you tell us what you saw, then?”

“Um…” Jared paused as a sob escaped him. “I don’t…”

“You don’t have to go into detail yet, okay? The most important thing we need to know is, did you see any blood?” said a female voice.

“No,” Jared croaked.

“That doesn’t mean—” said the voice that Jensen recognized as belonging to the male medic, but it was cut off sharply by the female voice.

“Shh! No, it doesn’t, but it means he most likely doesn’t need immediate medical attention for _that_. You’re positive there was no blood?”

“I, uh…after I knocked the creep out, Jensen was pretty out of it but I pulled his jeans back up. Figured he wouldn’t want a bunch of people…yeah.”

“Okay. And you said he couldn’t recognize you? He was most likely drugged, but do you know if he drank any alcohol? It can affect how his system processes the drug.”

“Just two mixed drinks, a single and a double.”

“Okay. And he won’t let anyone touch him? Okay, well while we figure that out, someone get him some water.”

A minute later, Jensen felt somebody crouch in front of him.

“Jen?” Jensen cracked on eye open and saw Jared holding out a bottle of water. “Can you drink this? I promise it’ll make you feel better.” Jensen eyed the bottle for a moment before taking it. He twisted the cap off and chugged half of it in one go. “Okay, I’m gonna leave another one right here by you while I go talk to the cops some more, okay?” Jensen nodded and Jared stood up and turned around.

The cops and medics had wandered a little distance away from Jensen, though he was still able to see most of their faces and hear their conversation

“Even if we can’t do a physical right now, we need him to talk to somebody so we can know what happened,” one of the cops said.

“And we need to draw some blood, make sure that it was just a standard roofie he was given,” the male medic said.

But Jensen didn’t want anyone to touch him, to poke him with a needle and take his blood. And he didn’t want to talk to anybody either. He would maybe talk to Jared. Later, though, not now. Everything was still way too raw, why didn’t they understand that? Jared would understand. Jared, who…who had experienced something very similar to this. Jensen was supposed to be helping Jared, not the other way around! This wasn’t supposed to happen. Jensen briefly forgot his own problems as guilt settled in around him. He felt like he’d let Jared down. Jared wouldn’t want to talk to him now, Jensen was sure of that, and it broke his heart a little that he couldn’t be there for his best friend.

The water was helping to clear Jensen’s head even more, and when one of the medics started explaining to Jared the questions they needed to ask Jensen, Jensen made the decision that it was time for him to _not_ be in that nasty alley anymore. Luckily, he was right next to the door and everyone was paying attention to either the now-cuffed but still unconscious stranger, Jared and Sandy, or each other, so after he stood up slowly and tested out his balance, Jensen silently slipped through the door and back into the bar.

He walked unnoticed through the crowd, cringing when someone accidently bumped into him, but he made it to the front door in less than a minute. Knowing he was still too drugged-out to drive home, Jensen decided to walk instead of calling for a taxi. He didn’t want to wait around that long, and his apartment wasn’t too far away. Before he left, he very carefully moved his car from one side of the parking lot to the other so that Jared wouldn’t see it right away.

Jensen set off but soon found himself walking in the opposite direction of his apartment. He just kept going, though, not really caring where he was headed.

Twenty minutes later, he found himself on the doorstep of a familiar building and realized he’d walked to Jared’s place instead of his own. Jensen shrugged and let himself in, thankful that Sadie was at the dogsitter’s for the night.

He didn’t bother turning on any lights until he reached the bedroom, _Jared’s_ bedroom. He shut the door, and finally in the safety of four walls and a familiar setting, he peeled off his clothes and stepped into the shower, turning the water to scalding. He stood under the spray, scrubbing his body with soap until his skin was red and raw. He couldn’t let his mind wander because it kept trying to replay what had happened in the alley. Jensen knew he was lucky, lucky that Jared had got there before it had gone any farther, lucky that, physically, the only damage done was the temporary effects of the roofie.

He _knew_ he was lucky, but he sure as hell didn’t _feel_ lucky. He felt nauseous and drained and on edge and like he didn’t want anyone to ever touch him again.

He stepped out of the shower before the hot water ran out, grabbed a clean towel from the cupboard and dried off quickly, not even wanting to feel his own hands on his body any longer than necessary. He and Jared had started leaving clothes at each other’s places, just an extra outfit or two for when they stayed up too late and decided to just crash instead of trying to go home. Jensen found a clean pair of his boxers and pulled them on, then rifled through Jared’s dresser and pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a tee that had the unique smell of his friend, like the essence of Jared or something.

Jensen put the clothes on, rolled up the legs of the sweatpants, and climbed into the bed. His phone had died at some point during the night, and he was actually glad for that because he knew by that point people would be calling him like crazy and Jensen really didn’t feel like talking to anyone.

Maybe Jared. But no one else.

He found the charger and plugged his phone in before laying it on the nightstand. Jensen knew he’d have to face the music in the morning but right now, all he wanted was to sleep and forget; and hopefully, his dreams would not detour into new nightmares.

The smell of Jared all around him kept Jensen from feeling like he was completely alone, and he fell asleep quickly, feeling safe and sound for the first time that night.


	12. Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Last night, it was like you just disappeared into thin air and…Jen, I thought maybe that guy who drugged you was working with someone, and they’d somehow gotten you. And when I couldn’t find your car but I knew you wouldn’t drive when you were so out of it…well, it just scared me even more. I went to your place and you weren’t there so the cops told me to go home and get some sleep. I laughed in their faces, like I was gonna sleep if you…” He stopped to collect himself before continuing. “When I walked into the bedroom and nearly tripped over your shoes and then saw you in, um, in my bed…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so so much thanks to [cyncitymojo](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cyncitymojo/pseuds/cyncitymojo). You save me every time <3

Jensen woke slowly to the feel of a warm body pressed against his back and the nape of his neck damp. As the memories from the previous evening came flooding back, he expected to panic—at the memories, at the touch of the person behind him, at the sound of a door slamming a floor below him…he expected not just anything but _everything_ to set him off.

So when his breathing remained steady and he unconsciously leaned back into the warmth, he was surprised at his lack of anxiety. And when it took him a few minutes to recall where he was and who was most likely crying tears on the back of his neck, he still didn’t feel unnerved.

The calm remained even as unexpected tears came to Jensen’s eyes, though he wasn’t sure what he was crying about. He almost felt like he was in mourning, but…for what? He scanned through mental Polaroids and immediately felt the one that struck a nerve.

He wasn’t sure how long Jared had been home, but the kid must have fallen asleep against Jensen, crying into his neck. Jared had cried himself to sleep over something that had happened to Jensen. And Jensen knew he’d have to deal more fully with this experience sooner or later, but for now, his tears fell for Jared.

He kept his sobs silent and his body still while his emotions tumbled forth in a cleansing wave. Eventually, his tears dried and his full bladder demanded attention. He slipped out of bed and stumbled quietly to the bathroom, not wanting to wake Jared up.

After relieving himself, he stood in front of the sink watching the water run as his mind wandered. When he looked up and into the mirror, he was expecting to see a stranger, haunted and damaged and permanently altered. Instead, he saw himself—paler than normal, certainly, with his freckles and the dark bags under his eyes standing out more than usual—but otherwise, just… _him_.

He splashed cold water on his face and found his towel from the night before to dry off. When he opened the door back to the bedroom, he slumped against the door frame at the sight of Jared sitting up in bed, head dropped low and hair hiding his face.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Jensen whispered, and Jared looked up in shock before nearly falling out of bed in his hurry to get to Jensen.

“Are you okay? No, sorry, that’s a stupid question. God, Jen, I—”

“Jay. Breathe.” Jared stopped to suck in a breath and Jensen led him back to the bed. As they settled back against the headboard, shoulders brushing lightly, Jared spoke again.

“Last night, it was like you just disappeared into thin air and…Jen, I thought maybe that guy who drugged you was working with someone, and they’d somehow gotten you. And when I couldn’t find your car but I knew you wouldn’t drive when you were so out of it…well, it just scared me even more. I went to your place and you weren’t there so the cops told me to go home and get some sleep. I laughed in their faces, like I was gonna sleep if you…” He stopped to collect himself before continuing. “When I walked into the bedroom and nearly tripped over your shoes and then saw you in, um, in my bed…”

“I’m so sorry,” Jensen said when it was obvious Jared couldn’t say any more. “I didn’t…shit, I didn’t even think about that. Granted, I wasn’t thinking clearly in general, but they were gonna make me talk to them and do blood tests and who knows what else and all I could think about was ‘No, god no, I can’t, not now, not yet’. So I’m so sorry, Jay.”

“God, Jensen, you don’t need to apologize for anything. I kept trying to tell them to leave it alone, leave _you_ alone, at least for a few days.”

“I know. I could hear everything you said.” Jared’s breath stuttered and Jensen finally looked at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Everything!” Jared sobbed. “Everything’s wrong, Jen!”

“Hey, hey. Look at me, Jared. Look. See? I’m okay. Alive and whole and, uh, mostly unharmed.”

“ _How_ , Jen? How the hell are you okay?”

“I mean, I’m not _okay_ okay, y’know? But…” Jensen sighed, not wanting to talk about this before he’d even had coffee, but he could tell that Jared needed to know for sure, maybe even more than Jensen himself needed to know.

“But?” Jared asked quietly.

“Nothing actually, um, _happened_ last night.”

Jared looked at him incredulously. “You were roofied and I found you in the alley with…with… Fuck, what do you mean nothing happened?”

“You got there in time, Jay.”

“I did? But I saw—”

“I know what you saw, Jared. And what you saw was pretty much everything that he did, I swear. Do you…understand what I mean by that? Because, um, I don’t really feel like going into detail right now.”

“God, I’m sorry, of course you don’t want to talk about this! I’m so sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t mean to bring it up.”

“It’s okay, Jay. You told me I don’t need to apologize for anything, right? Well, neither do you, okay? Just…believe me when I tell you I’m okay for now. And _please_ tell me you have coffee here.”

Jared snorted and wiped at his wet eyes. “You could literally be burning in hell and you’d still ask for coffee every morning.”

“I won’t deny that one,” Jensen replied with a smile. “Also, uh…sorry for commandeering your bed. When I—”

“No, Jen, it’s okay. I’m glad you came here, actually. I’m glad that you weren’t alone all night.” Jensen smiled again and his eyelids drooped suddenly as another bout of exhaustion hit him.

“Mmm, sleep again,” he said before snuggling down under the comforter. Jared moved to get up and Jensen grabbed his wrist. “Stay?”

“Of course, Jen. Whatever you want.” Jared wiggled down under the sheets until his head was on a pillow. Jensen closed his eyes, satisfied that Jared wasn’t leaving him anytime soon.

“Thank you, Jay,” he breathed out before drifting back off to sleep.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen blinked his eyes open at the late-morning sun, wishing Jared had a blackout curtain for the east-facing window. His internal grumbling trailed off when the unmistakable smell of coffee met his nose. He got up, making a pit stop in the bathroom to shower quickly. He realized absently that, because of what had happened the night before and how he felt right now, twice-daily showers were likely to become a new norm for him for the foreseeable future. He sighed at the thought before pushing it out of his mind. He then shut off the water, stepped out of the shower stall, and dried off.

Jensen pulled on a clean pair of boxers from his clothing stash, but instead of grabbing a shirt and jeans he opted to put back on the sweats and tee that he’d slept in. They still smelled like Jared, and the scent was no less comforting this morning than it was last night.

As he was getting dressed, a strange feeling fell over him. He had the sudden and desperate urge to confess _everything_ to Jared. Not about last night’s events—though he knew that a more thorough conversation was inevitable—but about his very non-platonic feelings for his best friend. (He did, however, draw the line at revealing the short-lived Project Woo Padalecki.)

Unsure where the compulsion came from or how long his courage would last, Jensen rushed out of the bedroom, his body hitting and bouncing off the opposite wall. He stumbled down the hallway in his haste to get to the kitchen, almost knocking at least three framed photos off the wall.  He tripped over his own feet as the kitchen came into view and started to fall again. He nearly smashed his forehead against the corner of the stone countertop when Jared caught him and hauled him backwards to safety.

“Jay! I…need to…tell you something,” Jensen panted, out of breath from his five-second sprint and his anxious anticipation over what he was about to profess.

“Jesus, Jen! You okay? You…look a little pale. What’s wrong? Jensen, you’re kinda scaring me…”

“Hold…on,” Jensen said while still trying to catch his breath.

“Do you need something? Can I get you anything? Seriously, are you okay? What—”

Jensen’s finger landed lightly against Jared’s lips, stopping his worried rambling. Jared froze at the soft touch and Jensen, still completely shocked by his own actions, spoke quietly.

“Just for the next few minutes, I need you to forget about what happened last night. Forget about what happened seven years ago. Think about the last six months, think about us, _just_ us. The moment we met. The first time we hung out. The first time you called me your best friend. The first time I told you a secret. Do you remember those, Jay?”

“Yes,” Jared replied breathlessly. Jensen removed his finger, letting his hand drop down to rest against Jared’s chest.

“Well, there’s one more first I want with you, Jay. And if it’s the last first I get, then I’ll understand. But…I’m really hoping it won’t be.”

With that, Jensen tangled his fingers in Jared’s shirt and slowly pulled him closer, just close enough for Jensen to tilt his head up and place a soft kiss to Jared’s lips. He lingered for a moment without deepening it, just letting the kiss be what it was: a question, a hope, a promise.

When Jensen finally broke the kiss, he saw tears running down Jared’s cheeks. Without thinking, he reached up and used his thumbs to gently brush them away.

“Baby, why are you crying?” Jensen couldn’t believe he’d let slip that term of endearment; he was about to apologize when Jared began to speak.

“I thought the universe was conspiring against us,” he whispered, and Jensen’s fingers stilled against Jared’s face.

“What…” he swallowed thickly then tried again. “What do you mean, Jared?”

“I was starting to think that god or the universe or whatever was, like, trying to mess everything up. I tried to tell you, _so many times_ I tried to tell you, but we kept getting interrupted. And then, after what happened last night, I didn’t think you’d ever want…”

“Ever want what, Jay?”

“Me.”

A thunderstorm of emotions rained down on Jensen with that single word spoken in that voice by that man. Surprise and relief, disbelief and uncertainty, caution and hope, and underneath it all…love.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They didn’t talk about the potential life-altering changes to their relationship—to their _lives_ —for the rest of the day. Jensen just gave Jared another quick kiss before turning away to pour himself some coffee…and to hide the tears building up in his eyes. Jared, meanwhile, was grinning like a loon and not even bothering to deny it. He doled out bacon and waffles onto two plates and they sat down to eat.

After their late breakfast, they lazed around the apartment, mostly just splayed on the couch while watching a marathon showing on TV of the Monty Python movies.

Jared had bought a huge sectional sofa practically the same day he moved up to Vancouver. The size had meant it’d been a bitch to fit into the apartment, but it had been well worth the frustration once they’d both sat down on it for the first time. Now, Jensen was stretched out along the shorter section of the L shape while Jared covered the longer one. Their heads met at the intersection, and Jensen kept his arm above his head with his fingers tangled firmly in Jared’s hair for hours, as if he was using the soft strands to anchor him to earth, to reality.


	13. Smize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, don’t look at me like that,” Jensen frowned, and Sadie didn’t move a muscle even as Harley, Jared’s newest addition, came up to sit beside her. He fixed his gaze on Jensen as well and Jensen gritted his teeth. “I _know_ me and Jay are gonna have to talk soon,” he said, exasperated. Harley tilted his head and Sadie blinked once. “No, I don’t know how to bring it up, otherwise I would’ve by now!” Sadie huffed and Harley’s tail twitched. “Well, I _wasn’t_ worried about that…until now. So thanks for that.” Sadie leaned forwards and bumped her forehead softly against Jensen’s thigh. He reached down automatically to pet her. “I just don’t want to push him, Sadie,” he said quietly. “I don’t know if his hesitation is because of what happened to me or him. Or both of us, I guess. It’s just not gonna be easy to—”
> 
> “Are you having a conversation with my _dogs_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter took so damn long. The story is there in my head and it's not for lack of inspiration, but there seems to be a major disconnect in me right now when it comes to getting the ideas in my head down on paper. So I can't promise that the next chapter will be up in a day or a week, but I can promise that _I am still writing_. Even if it's disgustingly slow, I'm still adding to this story every day, even if it's only a sentence or two. (Of course, I hope the next chapter will be up very soon, I just can't give you a definite timeline right now. I can tell you that part of ch14 is already written, though.)
> 
> Please, don't give up on this story. I have the next few chapters already outlined in my head and things are going to start to get a bit hotter and sexier here soon... Gotta earn that explicit rating ;)
> 
> And finally, your comments mean SO much to me. Even if I don't answer them immediately (or at all), please know that I read and cherish every single one and that they spur me on, give me motivation and help me to continue even writing even when I feel like a useless glob. So thank you.

“Jared?” Jensen called out as he let himself into his boyfriend’s apartment. _Boyfriend_. Damn. The term still felt a bit peculiar as he rolled it around on his mental tongue before testing it out loud. “Boyfriend?” he called out again, this time in a joking, sing-song voice. Feeling the shape of the word in his mouth and hearing the sound of it in his voice was odd yet pleasant, and it caused the butterflies in his stomach to flutter happily and the nerves down his spine to spark expectantly, featherlight but undeniable. Jensen decided he liked that word very much.

Boyfriend.

When there was no reply, Jensen wandered into the kitchen and set a handful of shopping bags onto the counter. A minute later, the front door opened and three sweaty, hairy messes came tumbling into the room. Two of them immediately attacked Jensen with slobbering dog kisses and happy barks while the third leaned against the counter and looked on almost shyly.

“That was fast,” Jared remarked breathlessly, eyeing the bags of food as Jensen stood and moved away from the canine lovefest, glancing up at Jared with a guilty look on his face.

“That’s because I went to the store just down the street,” he admitted as Jared began to paw through the bags.

“You mean the ‘health food’ store,” he said, fingers forming air quotes, “that charges double for almost everything?” As Jared emerged with two extra-large steaks that had a date with the grill for dinner, he didn’t look especially upset.

“It’s my money so you really shouldn’t care,” Jensen pointed out.

“It’s the principle of the thing, Jen.”

“Right. Well…I think you’re drooling a little.”

Jared dropped the steaks on the counter and ran the back of his hand across his mouth while Jensen cackled gleefully.

And this is how it had become over the last month. Jared got his new dog and Jensen got his Jared. In some ways, nothing had changed; in others, it seemed like everything had.

Same, like goofing around on set, cracking jokes and trying to think up the best pranks for a new director that undoubtedly had a stick up his ass; hanging out in one of their trailers during breaks or at one of their apartments after work, playing video games and eating crap food and falling asleep during Cowboys-Eagles football games; Jensen relentlessly ribbing Jared about his candy addiction on a Monday, then showing up on Tuesday with half the grocery store’s candy isle dumped into a few bags to replenish Jared’s stash, handing it over and grumbling about tooth decay and type-2 diabetes while Jared smacked a kiss on his cheek and spun around the makeup trailer in happiness, almost taking out Shannon with a particularly dangerous bag of Tootsie Roll Pops. Same.

Different, though, too, like Jensen teasingly calling Jared ‘boyfriend’ and ‘babe’ and sweetheart’ and ‘pumpkin pie’ and ‘toaster strudel’ and an increasingly odd variety of pet names just to watch the way that soft pink stained Jared’s cheeks; Jensen allowing himself to touch Jared in ways which he’d held back before…an arm slung around his waist instead of his shoulders, fingers gripping hips, sometimes tight enough to leave faint bruises, his hands constantly buried in Jared’s hair; or how, at the end of the day they started slipping into bed together now, the couch long-forgone as a guest bed. Different.

Not that anything ever happened after getting into bed. Yes, Jensen was the one who, that first night after their mutual confessions and subsequent coupling, had said hesitantly, “Jay…I need some time,” before they crawled into bed. But Jared seemed to have taken it to mean, “Don’t _ever_ try to go past first base.” Jensen was starting to get a little frustrated.

And, well. Horny.

Or maybe Jensen was just overthinking it, like usual. Either way, he was itching to test out Jared’s resolve of their zero-tolerance on-set policy with more than just quick, chaste pecks. Even just _some_ tongue to go with those stolen kisses behind the catering tent, for crying out loud.

Yep, that’s right. Jensen had been able to call Jared his boyfriend for almost a month now yet had never tasted anything beyond the kid’s sweet, pink, terminally-distracting lips. Not that Jensen would ever say no to any type of kisses with Jared, but he wanted _more_. Because Jared was hot and Jensen was a twenty-seven year old red-blooded male, of course. But also…this was a _real_ relationship for Jensen. He’d had relationships before, but nothing like this, nothing quite at this level. This seriousness. This ‘love you forever’ kind of relationship, even if he couldn’t fully acknowledge that part quite yet.

At the end of the day, though, Jensen couldn’t bring himself to push the subject of their intimacy. Not that he worried Jared would think Jensen had been hiding a sex-crazed maniac alter-ego behind his shyness and secret glasses, but since that first day that they admitted their feelings, that hadn’t actually really _talked_ about anything. They’d fallen comfortably into their new roles in each other’s lives, neither of them wanting to rock the boat with awkward conversations. Difficult conversations.

What happened to Jared seven years ago.

What happened to Jensen just one month ago.

“I’ll go start the grill.” Jared’s voice cut into Jensen’s thoughts and it took him a moment to break out of his reverie and remember his surroundings.

“Actually,” Jensen said, reaching over to wipe sweaty bangs away from Jared’s eyes, “I’ll start the grill. You go shower.”

“I thought you liked me all hot and sweaty?” Jared stuck out his lower lip in a mock pout.

“If I didn’t, I’d be in trouble because you’re always hot and sweaty,” Jensen muttered, more to himself than Jared, not wanting to admit that yes, actually, he _really_ liked Jared all hot and sweaty. Not that Jensen had a kink—oh, god. Did he have a kink? A _sweat_ kink? Gross.

“What?” Jared asked, once again snapping Jensen out of his swirling thoughts.

“Jay, it’s not the sweat I mind, it’s the smell,” he said solemnly, then took a long, dramatic sniff before pretending to faint, collapsing backwards against the kitchen island.

“Asshole,” Jared said. Jensen cracked open his eyes and pushed himself off the counter.

“I’m being dead serious,” he replied, trying to hide the amusement from his expression.

“Jen, you know how I know when you’re not being serious? You have a tell. A major one. _So_ obvious. Now I realize why you never play cards if money’s involved.”

“Nuh uh, I have a master poker face.”

“Nope. You _smize_.”

“I’m sorry, I _what_?”

“Smize. Smile with your eyes. It’s a Tyra Banks thing…”

“Dude! I am officially banning you from watching America’s Next Top Model if I’m anywhere within a fifty-mile radius.”

“It’s a good show!” Jared insisted, hands on his hips and foot tapping indignantly.

“Oh my god, how did I ever think you were straight?” Jensen asked with a wheezing laugh.

“Keep it up and you won’t be getting any tonight, Ackles,” Jared teased, then snapped his mouth shut. Jensen froze mid-laugh as Jared’s joke hung in the air, an awkward tension settling around them.

“Uh, I’m gonna…yeah,” Jared stammered, jerking his head towards the bathroom.

“Yeah, of course,” Jensen said too loudly, hands fumbling blindly beside him for the steaks. “I’ll be out here…steaks…” he stammered, pointing to the grill out on the deck with one hand while the other held up a box of pasta.

Jared quirked an eyebrow up at him and Jensen flushed, setting the pasta back down on the counter. Jared bit back a smile but didn’t say anything, just turned and hurried down the hall, the bathroom door clicking shut softly before Jensen heard the water start up a few seconds later. He heaved sigh, then glanced over at Sadie who was sitting just inside the kitchen, staring at him with what he swore was a look of amusement on her doggy face.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that,” Jensen frowned, and Sadie didn’t move a muscle even as Harley, Jared’s newest addition, came up to sit beside her. He fixed his gaze on Jensen as well and Jensen gritted his teeth. “I _know_ me and Jay are gonna have to talk soon,” he said, exasperated. Harley tilted his head and Sadie blinked once. “No, I don’t know how to bring it up, otherwise I would’ve by now!” Sadie huffed and Harley’s tail twitched. “Well, I _wasn’t_ worried about that…until now. So thanks for that.” Sadie leaned forwards and bumped her forehead softly against Jensen’s thigh. He reached down automatically to pet her. “I just don’t want to push him, Sadie,” he said quietly. “I don’t know if his hesitation is because of what happened to me or him. Or both of us, I guess. It’s just not gonna be easy to—”

“Are you having a conversation with my _dogs_?”

Jensen jumped, startled by Jared’s voice, then blushed deeply when he realized Jared had caught him talking to his dogs like that. He hoped Jared hadn’t actually overheard what he’d said.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jensen feigned innocence but didn’t turn to face Jared, sure his face was still beet-red from embarrassment. He grabbed the steaks off the counter and stepped outside, closing the glass door behind him. As he fired up the grill, he couldn’t keep himself from glancing back inside. Jared was standing stock-still, staring out at Jensen through the glass, his lips turned up in a goofy grin, pure adoration in his eyes. Jensen couldn’t help but smile back before winking affectionately. Jared’s cheeks flushed pink and Jensen’s heart melted.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Do we _have_ to do this?” Jensen whined, offering Jared his best pout and puppy dog eyes. They apparently had no effect, though, because his boyfriend just nudged him gently until he flopped down onto the couch, then set the extra-large bowl of popcorn on his lap.

“Yes,” Jared replied simply, and his tone brokered no argument. That didn’t stop Jensen from trying.

“C’mon, Jay! We actually have the night off, for once. We could go do something, maybe outside before it starts to get too cold, or—”

“What’s the deal, Jen?” Jared cut in, but his tone was soft. He grabbed the remote from its location on top of the TV (where no sharp dog teeth could turn it into a chew toy). He turned back to face Jensen, stepping over the sleeping dogs and around the coffee table to take his place on the couch, eyes never leaving Jensen’s. “This is the first show that either of us has been a lead on, and I get to date my super-hot and super- _supportive_ costar,” he said, putting emphasis on ‘supportive’ by raising his eyebrows and tilting his head towards Jensen. “That’s why I want to watch the pilot with you. Why don’t you?”

Jensen reached out and tucked an errant lock of hair behind Jared’s ear. Jared snagged Jensen’s hand in his own and twined their fingers together, his thumb rubbing small circles over Jensen’s skin. It was both comforting and distracting, and Jensen’s brain-to-mouth filter momentarily went offline as he let slip some of his deep-seated fears and insecurities.

“I _hate_ watching myself on screen. I haven’t since my first year on Days.”

“Why?” Jared asked after a minute of silence had passed. “I mean, I know it can sometimes be awkward. Like my first few years on Gilmore Girls? God, I was so young and awkward and new at everything and it definitely makes me cringe a little whenever I see it now. But…Jen, pretty much _everyone_ who started in the industry before the age of thirty has something they feel like that about.”

“It’s not that, Jared.”

“Okay...” Jared paused, studying Jensen, obviously trying to get a read on him. But Jensen—despite Jared’s theories about smizing—actually had a damn good poker face where it counted, allowing him to put up a near-impenetrable wall that kept all his feelings of shame and embarrassment and apprehension and self-doubt tucked away from prying eyes and nosy people.

But this wasn’t an overeager fan or a snooping reporter, this was _Jared_. Jared, with his eyebrows squished together in concern and his lips downturned slightly like he was disappointed, but not with Jensen. Like he was disappointed with whoever or whatever had forced Jensen to become so guarded. There was not even a hint of judgment or derision in Jared’s expression, just patience and compassion and a genuine desire to listen to Jensen and all his ridiculous, irrational fears.

“It’s nothing. It’s not a big deal, Jay,” Jensen tried one more time, because that was his default setting: deny and minimize. But Jared was never one to give in, and while his stubbornness could be infuriating most days, often butting against Jensen’s own bullheadedness, it was moments like this where Jensen realized just how much he needed Jared.

Jared didn’t even have to say anything; he just quirked an eyebrow and tilted his head to the side, an open invitation for Jensen to stop lying and trust him.

Jensen deflated.

“It was maybe six months after I’d gotten a role on Days and moved out to L.A. I just…I was young and it was my first acting job and I was not very confident about my work. About anything, really.

“It was just a really shitty coincidence. I was sitting in the waiting room somewhere, I don’t even remember where. They had a TV on and since it was in the middle of the day on a weekday, the only shows on were soaps. And, of course, Days of Our Lives was playing.

“But you know how L.A. is, so full of actors and celebrities that it’s really easy _not_ to get noticed, especially for someone like me, brand new to the business and never having been in anything noteworthy.” Jared nodded in understanding and Jensen continued. “So I didn’t really think much of it, just sat down to wait. A few minutes later, two girls sat down close enough that I could overhear their conversation, though I don’t think they noticed me. And they started watching the show and…commenting.”

“Commenting?”

“Criticizing,” Jensen clarified. “ _Lambasting_.

“Your character?” Jared asked. Jensen shook his head.

“ _Me_. My looks, my acting, my decision to work on daytime TV, _everything_. God, they were ruthless,” he chuckled, but the sound was hollow and desperate. “And, I mean, they were talking that way about every cast member in that episode, so it wasn’t exactly personal. Or at least, it was _impersonally_ personal, if that makes sense. And if something like that happened to me now, I mean, obviously I wouldn’t be happy but I could brush it off. But back then? It was…”

“Devastating,” Jared finished for him. Jensen shrugged but nodded.

“I got over it, mostly. Except for the whole…”

“Watching yourself on screen,” Jared finished again when Jensen’s voice faltered.

“Yeah,” he rasped. Jared nodded and blinked, set his chin in his palm and looked at Jensen seriously.

“I’m sorry that happened.” Jensen nodded thanks, unable to speak. Jared continued. “Do you think I would ever say anything like that? Especially about you?” Jensen looked at him in shock and shook his head violently. _Of course_ Jared would never say something like that, not about _anyone_. “So, you trust me?” Jared asked.

“Yes!” Jensen finally found his voice. “God, of course, Jay. It’s not you. It’s not even really me. I mean, it’s not me in that I’m not embarrassed by our show or my acting. Or even my looks, mostly. It’s just…I’ve avoided this for so long, and now… This is making me really _really_ uncomfortable.”

“I can imagine,” Jared said sympathetically. “Maybe I’m being selfish here, but I really want to be able to watch _our_ show. Together. You’re my costar and my boyfriend, and this matters to me. I’m not saying we have to watch every single episode or anything. If you can’t do this with me, do it _for_ me? Please?” Jensen hesitated.

“It will get easier, Jen. You know that’s true. But you gotta start sometime.” Jensen bit his lip, hedging, and Jared upped the ante. “Look, I’ll make you a deal. Watch this with me and we can hit up a bar after. My treat.”

“We have to work tomorrow,” Jensen argued half-heartedly.

“So don’t get wasted, old man,” Jared joked. Jensen punched him lightly in the arm but felt a smile finally break through his armor.

“We haven’t even been dating for two months, so don’t think this means you can already get me to do whatever you want,” he huffed.

“Well, I’m adorable and you’re actually a big squishy teddy bear underneath all the sarcasm and grumpiness, and I’m sorta stupidly in love with you, so…yeah, it does,” Jared said with a shy grin, and Jensen’s breath got stuck somewhere between his lungs and mouth. Stupidly in love?

 _I love you too_ , is what he wanted to say back. Hell, he was practically screaming it in his head, but for some reason his lips wouldn’t form the words, his voice wouldn’t even make it to a whisper, and instead what came out was, “Yeah, and I’m pretty sure your puppy dog eyes should be considered weapons of mass coercion and be outlawed.”

Jensen saw the quick flicker of pain in Jared’s eyes, and his heart clenched. He was disappointed in himself, frustrated that he couldn’t say it even though he desperately wanted to. He squeezed Jared’s hand, hoping his boyfriend got the message, _I love you to_ o and _I’m sorry that I can’t say it yet._ Jared looked over at Jensen, expression still one of hurt but also of understanding.

“Just shut up and watch my awesomeness, Ackles,” Jared said with a smirk. And Jensen did just that.


	14. Fight and Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen was an expert at keeping his issues locked up tight, especially when he had work to do; after all, he was a goddamn professional. He’d had almost a decade of experience dealing with keeping his job separate from literally everything else in his life, even vicious viral attacks on his immune system. What he didn’t have _any_ experience with was dealing with his own shit while also having a boyfriend _and_ having to watch said boyfriend deal with _his_ own shit as well, shit that Jensen had absolutely no control over, had no way to help with. And if there was one thing Jensen despised, it was feeling helpless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter practically wrote itself. It's also a good three times longer than most of the other chapters, so...surprise! Hope you like it.

“Jay…you sure you don’t just wanna go to our regular place?” Jensen asked as he eyed the row of motorcycles lined up outside the bar Jared had driven them to. Look, Jensen wasn’t afraid of bikers, nor was he the type of person to stereotype them all into the Hell’s Angels category. But something about this place had the hairs on the back of his neck already standing up and they weren’t even inside yet.

“No, this’ll be good,” Jared assured him.

“Have you been here before?”

“Well…no. But I read some good reviews.”

Jensen snorted. “Okay, but we already _know_ our regular place is good, so why the unnecessary change of scenery?”

Jared rubbed the nape of his neck and looked down at the ground, aimlessly kicking at the gravel as he mumbled unintelligibly.

“Didn’t catch that,” Jensen said, grabbing Jared’s free hand. Jared huffed and looked up to meet Jensen’s questioning gaze.

His hair fell across face and all Jensen could think was that his boyfriend looked wild and effortless and beautiful, standing there illuminated by the gibbous moon hung high in the sky and the neon lights blinking alluringly from the tinted roadhouse windows. Jared blinked and his eyelashes licked at the tips of his bangs. Jensen reached up to push Jared’s tangled hair back, the motion an unconscious one, instinctive after having done it nearly every day for the past two months.

“One of the bartenders at Leroy’s keeps hitting on my and it’s getting annoying and I just didn’t feel like dealing with her tonight.” The words came whooshing out of Jared quickly and breathlessly, snapping Jensen out of his poetic musings and back to the present, back to the question he’d just asked. Which was…

 _God, you’re distracting_ , Jensen thought, running his hands through Jared’s hair again just because he could.

Oh, right. Jensen had asked why Jared had wanted to come to some edge-of-town, slightly shady-looking roadhouse they’d never been to before instead of going to Leroy’s, their regular bar.

A bartender at Leroy’s was hassling Jared. And seriously…Jensen had never had the urge to hit a girl until now.

“Shit, Jay. I’m sorry.” Jared shrugged dejectedly and Jensen’s protective—no, _possessive_ —side rushed to the surface in a whirl of mentally snarls and images of Jensen walking Jared up in front of the girl, bending him over the bar, and publicly staking his claim by—

Woah, there. Jensen reluctantly slammed his mental brakes, but not before subjecting himself to some really interesting (and fine, disgustingly hot) snapshots. It took him a moment to shake himself out of his daze, like he was already plastered from a combination of imagined scenarios, Jared’s pheromones, and prolonged use of his own right hand.

Okay, so Jensen was maybe just a _little_ sex-deprived and it was turning him punch-drunk, maddeningly love-sick. A horny fool. And here was his boyfriend, telling him…

 _Dammit, Ackles, get a grip_ , he chastised himself. _You are not some mindless, id-driven Neanderthal. You are calm and collected. You are in control. You will_ not _punch that bartender. You will_ not _drag Jared into the bathroom to make out. You will_ stop _having sex daydreams while your boyfriend is trying to talk to you! But, holy hell, you_ will _take a cold shower later tonight. Now, focus._

“I, uh, I don’t think you can avoid it indefinitely, Jay. Especially considering that’s where we have cast and crew parties. Just tell her your unavailable or not interested or…”

“Yeah, yeah. I know,” Jared sighed. “I mean, I did. Y’know, say that. I guess I just need to be more brusque, less smiley. _But,_ ” he drawled, tone lightening as the seriousness dropped out of his voice and out of the conversation, “tonight, can we just…” he gestured to the doors leading into the roadhouse, “chill here? Where it’s drama-free?”

“Of course, baby,” Jensen said with a grin. Jared rolled his eyes before turning around to head inside. “Oh, c’mon. You can’t tell me ‘baby’ annoys you? That’s like, _the_ standard universal pet name! Short, sweet, no weird kinks or connotations associated with it. And it’s even the same in French! Right, bébé?” Jensen saw Jared’s head shake and he took another stab. “Mon petit chou?”

Jared paused, turned slightly. One eyebrow quirked up as he said, “Do I even want to know?”

“Probably not. It’s French,” Jensen smirked.

“It’s—how do you even know it?”

“It’s a French _classic_ ,” Jensen clarified.

“And it means…?”

“My little cabbage?”

Jared tipped his head back and closed his eyes like he was sending a silent prayer to the heavens, probably to rid Jensen of his unfortunate pet name tryouts.

“Baby.”

“Huh?” Jensen asked.

“Baby is fine.” Jensen grinned and Jared snorted, starting back towards the building but looking back over his shoulder to add, “Just don’t ever call me a cabbage again.”

“Sure thing, baby.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“ _You call this drama-free?!_ ” Jensen shouted above the chaos and din of the fight that had just broken out, the fight which he and Jared were smack dab in the center of.

“My bad!” Jared yelled back as he ducked a punch and stumbled into an errant barstool.

They’d been there all of two hours—just enough time for Jensen to imbibe enough alcohol that his sight was a little fuzzy and his reactions felt sluggish, and by the looks of things Jared wasn’t doing much better—before the brawl had started. It was during Jensen’s fourth beer that the formerly (seemingly) good-natured group of bikers had stopped playing pool and had started grumbling, gathering around one girl in particular. Jensen eyed them for a few minutes, observing the situation that looked like it had the possibility to turn bad until he realized the girl was one of the bikers’ own and they were trying to comfort her.

It was during his sixth beer—and wow, Jensen was really putting them away tonight—when the girl walked by with a few other people and stopped in front of the table he was sitting at with Jared.

“What?” one of the guys asked her, frowning with concern.

“It’s them!” she whispered excitedly, and suddenly Jensen was being dragged out of the booth by two rough hands gripping the lapels of his jacket. He was tossed unceremoniously onto the floor, Jared following him down immediately after. Jensen shook his head to clear it and jumped up to his feet, his fight or flight response taking over even though he had no idea what was happening.

“What the fuck?” he growled, reaching down to grasp Jared’s hand and pull him to his feet as well. A circle was forming around them; most of the gathering crowd was wearing some unfortunate variations of black leather which meant that if a fight broke out, he and Jared wouldn’t be getting much help from their audience.

“You think you can pull that shit with my girl Mallory here, then just sit there like you did nothin’ wrong?” an impressively-moustached man snarled, his reply shedding no more light on the situation.

“We have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about,” Jared hissed.

“Don’t bother lyin’,” the guy said, inching towards them and cracking his knuckles like a totally cliché secondary comic villain.

“Ronnie, wait!” a girl’s voice called out, but Mr. Moustache—Ronnie—was already throwing a punch while three other guys rushed forward to join him.

Jensen didn’t have time to think, just acted on instinct, mostly ducking and swerving but occasionally tossing out his own punch or kick. He didn’t exactly have much instinct to go on, though. Apart from the sporadic wrestling match with his own brother—which was always more sibling roughhousing than actual fighting—Jensen had never gotten into any real physical fights. Honestly, he was surprised he was still standing at that point, that he hadn’t been laid out ninety seconds in. But he knew his luck could run out at any minute and that they needed to get out of there soon if he wanted to keep himself and Jared fully conscious tonight.

There was a particularly loud grunt and thud along with the unmistakable sound of skin hitting skin right before he heard Jared suck in a pained breath.

“Son of a bitch,” Jared wheezed, and Jensen didn’t see what had happened but he knew that it was time to go, _now_. He shoved the person in front of him as hard as possible, inertia and the guy’s own mass doing more to bring him down than Jensen’s push had. He went to grab Jared by the wrist to pull him out of the bar but the resulting whimpering coming from his boyfriend when Jensen’s hand made contact caused him to immediately let go.

He wanted to check Jared over, figure out what was wrong and comfort him through the pain but the fight was still going on around them, though the bikers were mostly fighting each other now and paying less attention to him and Jared, so Jensen wrapped his fingers around Jared’s bicep and yanked him away from the crowd and out the front door.

He was glad they’d paid cash for the drinks instead of opening a tab.

He didn’t stop jogging until they were across the parking lot and leaning up against Jared’s car. Jared squatted down, one hand on a knee and the other cradled against his chest. He then gave up any pretenses and sat down directly on the gravel. Jensen followed him down and leaned back against the cool metal, hand immediately going to Jared’s hair. Jensen ran his fingers through it, carefully working out the tangles and knots while soothing his boyfriend who was make small snuffling noises beside him.

“Can you let me see?” Jensen asked, his hand leaving Jared’s hair to move down and cup his chin, lifting up slightly so he could see Jared’s tear-filled eyes. “Is it your wrist?” Jared nodded jerkily. “Are you hurt anywhere else?” He shook his head no, and Jensen breathed a sigh of relief, pushing away visions of Jared lying on the ground and bleeding out from a stab wound or something equally horrific.

“Let me see your wrist, Jay,” Jensen said softly. When Jared didn’t move, Jensen cradled Jared’s elbow in one hand and gently maneuvered his forearm away from his body. Jensen sucked in a harsh breath when he got a better look at the injury, deep purple and heavily swollen. “Fuck,” he breathed. “Can you move your fingers?”

Jared winced in pain, but a second later his fingers wiggled slowly.

“Okay, okay. That’s good, I think. Probably not broken,” Jensen said. He surveyed the damage some more. “I still…Jay, I think I should take you to the E.R. It looks _really_ bad.”

“No, ‘s fine,” Jared slurred. “Jus’ need to go home and ice it.”

“I mean, I don’t think…” Jensen trailed off at the look on Jared’s face. “Fine,” he conceded, “but we are calling the dog sitter and you are staying at my place so I can take care of you. And if it still looks like this tomorrow morning then I’m taking you to the doctor before work. Deal?”

“Deal,” Jared huffed, but his voice sounded strained and he slumped back against the car suddenly.

“Jared!” Jensen panicked, thinking Jared had passed out.

“Just tired,” Jared muttered. “Can you drive?” Six beers in half as many hours would usually have Jensen saying no, but the adrenaline of the fight had easily pushed the majority of the alcohol out of his system, so he just nodded and took the keys Jared offered him.

He helped his boyfriend stand up and clamber into the truck before getting behind the wheel, thankful he’d payed attention on the drive out there so that he knew how to get home without having to ask an almost-unconscious Jared for directions.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Events over the next week caused the muscles in Jensen’s back to knot up one after another in anxiety.

Jared’s wrist turned out to be fractured, and Jensen was pretty sure that the sight of his boyfriend suffering from constant pain, hour after hour and day after day of filming, was the source of one particularly nasty muscle spasm currently taking up residence at the base of his neck.

Harley got sick and had to be taken to the vet; Jared was on edge still waiting for the diagnosis.

Then Jensen’s parents called and told him they wanted to fly up for a visit. The excited and expectant look on Jared’s face was quickly replaced by one of defeat with a hint of shame when he found out that, not only did Jensen’s parents not know about their son’s boyfriend, they didn’t even know that their son was gay.

And to top it all off, Jensen could feel himself getting sick. It was probably just a cold, which to most people wouldn’t be a big deal, but _of course_ Jensen wasn’t most people and _of course_ he even had to make catching the common cold into a bigger deal than it should be. Jensen _hated_ getting sick and it didn’t happen often; and that rarity was a goddamn blessing because even just a simple cold had him laid out in bed looking—and feeling—like he was on the verge of death. He knew that he’d be a useless, miserable sack of bones for a good four days, and he had been waiting impatiently for a few days now for the virus to fully take him down so that he could just get it over with.

Jensen was an expert at keeping his issues locked up tight, especially when he had work to do; after all, he was a goddamn professional. He’d had almost a decade of experience dealing with keeping his job separate from literally everything else in his life, even vicious viral attacks on his immune system. What he didn’t have _any_ experience with was dealing with his own shit while also having a boyfriend _and_ having to watch said boyfriend deal with _his_ own shit as well, shit that Jensen had absolutely no control over, had no way to help with. And if there was one thing Jensen despised, it was feeling helpless.

Jensen also wasn’t one to make excuses, but he couldn’t help but blame the sudden influx of anxiety as the main reason for his and Jared’s first big fight. Or that the fight happened at 10pm on a Wednesday night. On set.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Cut! Reset,” Guy called out, not bothering to hide his mounting frustration; by that point, it was shared by everyone on set.

It was their first time working with this director and so far Jensen liked the guy. But today had been long and arduous and no one was handling it well. Case in point: they’d just blown the _seventeenth_ take for this fairly straightforward scene that should have been easily wrapped in less than five takes. It wasn’t any one person’s fault, but it was one of those things were everyone was getting so pissy that they wished they had someone specific to blame.

Apparently Jared had decided that person should be him, and he started turning in on himself, getting more and more upset each time he messed up which only ended up exacerbating his nerves.

Jensen sidled up to him, support and advice on the tip of his tongue as he was determined to help Jared out of his funk. It wasn’t Jensen’s first mistake of the day—that had happened a good fifteen hours earlier—but it was his last.

“Hey, Jay. Just relax, okay? I know everyone’s frustrated but don’t take it out on yourself. You’re doing fine. Hell, I’m screwing up my lines more often than you are. But we gotta stay focused, and I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. I know when I do that it just makes me nervous and I end up messing up more, not less. So…go easy on yourself, k? Your shots are still solid, you just—”

“Jensen? Shut. Up.”

Jensen blinked in surprise at Jared’s harsh tone. Jensen thought maybe it was simply his own frayed nerves and frustration that made his hackles rise, but then he flashed back to the scene they’d filmed a few hours ago.

Sam had gotten mind-whammied by the psychotic doctor ghost that was terrorizing the abandoned asylum, and after a harsh conversation with his brother, Dean was reminded that words could hurt just as much as weapons. Especially if a round of salt rock buckshot to the chest was used to punctuate those words.

The scene had turned out solid and Jensen was sure it would be a heavy hitter in the final edit, but it had been hard to get through. Not like the one they were working on now, but because of the emotional aspect. Any scene where the brothers had to fight was always more difficult for Jensen to get into and then pull himself back from. And now, all he could hear was _Jared_ talking to him, to _Jensen_ , in the _exact same tone_ that Sam had spoken to Dean in right before _shooting_ him. It stung.

“Sor- _ry_ ,” he said defensively. “Just trying to help, geez.”

“Well, you’re not,” Jared snapped.

“Well, _you_ don’t need to be such an asshole about it!”

“Look,” Jared’s voice dropped low and his eyes flashed, “I’m having a really difficult time with this scene for some stupid fucking reason that I can’t figure out, and _this_ ,” he motioned between the two of them, “is _not_ helping.”

Jensen would admit that he spent more than his fair share of time as grumpy and antisocial, but he wasn’t cruel. However, someone getting mad at him when he was simply trying to help was one of the few things that made Jensen want to lash out.

“Well, if you’d pull your head out of your ass for five minutes you might realize that you’re not the only person who’s struggling right now. Yet you _are_ the only person who thinks it’s okay to bitch at someone who’s just trying to be supportive!”

“Jensen—” Jared looked like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on him.

“Just forget it,” Jensen growled. “Just forget all of it.”

“A-all of it? Jensen, wait—what are you talking about?” Jared yell-whispered, eyes darting frantically around Jensen’s face as he tried to read his expression. “Jensen!” Jared didn’t bother with the whispering this time, just fisted the front of his jacket. Jensen’s reaction was automatic, ripping himself away from the touch.

“Get off me,” he said harshly. He could see that they were attracting more and more attention, though most people were still trying to politely act like they didn’t know or care what was going on.

“You bastard,” Jared hissed, and Jensen took a step back.

“ _Excuse_ me? What the fuck was that for?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? So all it takes is one crappy day for you to decide you’re done? Fuck that! That’s just…that’s bullshit! If I’d have known that I never would have…” Jared trailed off, finally noticing the stiff silence that had fallen across set. He shook his head, a look of resignation as all the fight rushed out of him. “Okay. I get it, that’s…yeah,” he croaked, then turned in the direction of their trailers, long legs carrying him away quickly.

“Wait, no—Jared!” Jensen called after him, not actually expecting Jared to stop and thus was unsurprised when Jared just quickened his steps, not even offering a glance back.

Jensen dropped head down and rubbed at his eyes, then looked up helplessly at the director. Guy sighed, looking just as worn out as Jensen felt.

“Everyone…take thirty,” he called, then pulled his headset off and slowly looked around like he was lost about what to do.

Jensen left him to it and headed off towards his own trailer. He had a dartboard and throwing knives waiting for him there, a gift from Bob Singer from a few episodes back. He remembered looking at Bob first in concern, then disbelief, before laughing at the absurdity of the gift. Now Jensen was just glad he had more stress-relief options than playing video games or napping.

He slammed into his trailer a minute later, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge before pulling the throwing knives out of a drawer in a small table set up in the corner of the room. He faced the target on the wall fifteen feet away and started throwing. He could hear music coming from Jared’s trailer next door, the lyrics and rhythm guitar muted between the distance and walls. Jensen ignored it and instead focused on the _whoosh-thump_ sounds of the knives hurtling through the air in front of him.

Twenty minutes later and Jensen’s empty water bottle had been replaced with a beer while his knives were sunk deep into the walls around the target more often than the target itself. He’d calmed down a little by that point, though his mind was still a jumbled mess. It kept coming back to one question: _what the fuck?_

Jensen realized that he should have been more sympathetic to Jared’s frustration, and that him offering help might have just made Jared felt like he was being nagged. And Jensen could understand that, he could. It was how Jared had reacted _after_ that he was still so confused about. Jared’s irritableness morphing to anger and then resignation. The flicker of hurt in his eyes right before he’d turned to walk away. That comment…

_So all it takes is one crappy day for you to decide you’re done?_

What the hell did Jared mean, that Jensen was done? Done with trying to offer advice? Done with trying to help?

Then another comment pushed its way up through Jensen’s memory, something that he had said right before.

_Just forget it. Just forget all of it._

Jensen slumped forward as the realization hit him, placing his last knife on the small table and grabbing his beer instead.

“Dammit, Jared,” he muttered after taking a swig. He resisted the urge to run over to Jared’s trailer that second and explain everything. Jensen still needed to calm down a little more first so he headed to the bathroom instead to wash his face and brush his teeth, movements calm and slow, a deliberate contrast to the jackrabbiting beat of his heart.

It was another ten minutes before Jensen was ready, and he knew that even though their thirty-minute break was almost up, he absolutely _had_ to talk to Jared before they returned to set.

“Jensen,” a PA greeted him at the bottom of the stairs to his trailer. “Guy needs you back in five.”

“Actually,” Jensen said, the PA pausing as she was turning away, “can you ask him for another fifteen minutes? Seriously, I think I can fix this with Jared but I need more than five minutes,” Jensen pleaded. The PA smiled quickly and nodded before walking away. Jensen could hear her speaking into the headset but he turned his attention to keeping his breaths steady as he walked the twenty feet to Jared’s trailer door, knocking softly three times.

When there was no answer Jensen knocked again, harder this time, then waited another minute before letting himself in. Usually neither of them bothered to knock, but Jensen thought barging into Jared’s personal space without warning after what had happened wouldn’t be a good start to their conversation. Luckily, the door was unlocked.

Jensen walked in and was immediately greeted by the sight of Jared splayed across the couch. It was obvious that Jared was awake which meant he’d definitely heard both knocks. Jensen wasn’t sure what to expect; anger, maybe coldness. But when Jared spoke and Jensen heard the numbness in his voice, the complete lack of _any_ emotion, his heart broke. _He_ had done that. Yes, it was an accident, a misunderstanding, but still… _Jensen_ had been the one to make Jared feel like that. The wrongness of it struck him hard.

“What are you doing here?” Jared asked. His red, puffy eyes staring unblinkingly at the ceiling were at odds with the neutral monotone of his voice.

“A few things,” Jensen replied. He shuffled around the coffee table and sat down on the end of the couch, lifting Jared’s feet up and settling them back on his lap. Jared didn’t say anything but he didn’t pull away either, which Jensen took as a good sign. “To start, I want to apologize. I knew you were having a rough go—we all were—and I was just trying to help, but I shouldn’t have pushed. I’m sorry.”

Jared shrugged, stayed silent. Jensen had to ask, didn’t want to make assumptions even if he was ninety-nine percent sure of the cause of all of this.

“You just got even angrier after that, though. I think I know why, but…I need you to tell me anyways. Please.” He kept his voice soft and warm, but Jared seemed to neither notice nor care.

“God, you’re _horrible_. Breaking up with me in front of other people wasn’t enough for you? Now you have to come here and rub it in by asking me to fucking repeat it?!”

And yep, there it was. Jared thought Jensen had broken up with him.

“I didn’t,” Jensen interrupted.

“What?”

“I didn’t break up with you, Jared! Jesus. This whole day has been such a shit storm and I was just ready to be done with it. And you thought I meant I was done with _you_?” Jared finally tore his gaze from the ceiling to stare at Jensen.

“What?”

“I. Did not. Break up with you.” Jensen gritted his teeth.

“Oh.”

Anger rose up in Jensen, unbridled and pulsing hot.

“ _Oh_. _Oh?!_ Dammit, Jared. How could you—I can’t believe—how could you think that? God, you just _assumed_. And I didn’t even know why you were so mad! You just… _walked away_. How could you accept something like that so quickly? You thought I broke up with you and you just said okay!”

Jensen stood up abruptly, Jared’s feet falling from his lap. He wanted to leave, he wanted to be the one to run this time, but he knew he couldn’t. It would kill him. So he started pacing instead.

“I’m sorry,” Jared said meekly, and Jensen stopped to glare at him, the anger melting slightly when he saw tears streaking Jared’s cheeks.

“No, _I’m_ sorry. I’m sorry you thought I would dump you. Especially like that, god. But you can’t just…dammit, Jared. You can’t just assume stuff like that! You have to talk to me. We’re a team, right?”

Jared nodded, a small hiccup escaping making Jensen finally smile.

“C’mere,” he said, kneeling down by Jared’s head and wrapping his arms around his broad shoulders. Jared wiggled and Jensen let go, allowing Jared to sit up and pull Jensen onto the couch beside him before Jared’s long arms were squeezing the air from Jensen’s lungs.

“I’m so sorry,” Jared said between hiccups and sobs. “I’m sorry for snapping at you when you were just trying to help, and I’m sorry for—” Jensen placed a finger on Jared’s lips to silence him.

“It’s okay. I’m not mad, I’m…I was scared. But…Jay? I love you, okay? I’d never do something like that. I’d endure a million shitty days with you, because I know they’d be ten times as shitty without you. So please, _please_ know that I’d never break up with you just because we got snippy with each other. Okay?”.

“Jared?” he asked when he got no response, pulling back slightly. Jared’s arms loosened but stayed wrapped around him. “Jared!” He reached up and pressed a palm to Jared’s cheek, his boyfriend’s shocked, frozen expression causing panic to creep up in Jensen. “Jared, look at me!”

“I love you, too,” Jared finally said, his hoarse voice full of surprise.

“What?” Jensen paused, replaying through the conversation, his mind grinding to a halt when it hit him.

“Oh, holy shit,” he said as a grin split his face. He leaned over, mouth against Jared’s ear, and whispered. “I love you,” he said slowly, reverently. “I love you, Jared Tristan Padalecki. I love you I love you I love you.”

Jared giggled, the sound young and carefree and so damn happy. It was the best sound Jensen had ever heard.

“I love you,” Jensen repeated just so he could hear Jared giggle again. He began peppering kisses in between his declarations and Jared’s giggle quickly turned into a full-blown belly laugh. _No_ , Jensen decided, _that_. _That_ was the best thing he had ever heard.

Too soon a loud rapping sounded on the trailer door followed by a voice telling them they were needed back on set.

“Jen,” Jared said, the seriousness in his voice making Jensen sit up in attention, “I need you.”

“You have me,” Jensen said automatically. Jared shook his head.

“No. I mean, I need you. On set. Even if I’m acting like a little bitch,” he held up a hand to quiet Jensen’s noise of protest, his distaste of Jared’s choice of words, “even if I’m whining or getting angry with you, _I need you_.

“But here’s the thing…I _know_ I’m hard on myself, and I also know that when I’m like that, somebody trying to offer me advice or support or tell me how good I’m doing only makes me angry.”

“Okay,” Jensen said after a moment of thought. “So when I see that happening, I can run interference, keep people away from you. But what do you need from me? Because I don’t know if I can just sit back quietly and watch you unnecessarily berate yourself.” Jared nodded in understanding.

“Just…be there? Physically, I mean. When I’m angry with myself, words just make me angrier. But, uh, touches…” Jared’s ears turned pink and he blinked rapidly. Jensen could tell Jared was trying not to break eye contact, not to look away in embarrassment.

“Jay,” Jensen smiled, reaching up and running his hand through Jared’s hair, scratching lightly at the scalp. His other hand rubbed up and down Jared’s back, his fingers dancing over the knobs of Jared’s spine. There was nothing sexual about the contact and it soothed Jensen just as much as it did Jared.

“We’re in this— _all_ of this—together. No matter how frustrated or pissy either of us is, we are each other’s last line of defense. I will always be here for you. I want you to understand that. That no matter what happens, you can count on me to be on your side, okay?”

“Thanks,” Jared murmured, a sigh of contentment escaping him as Jensen’s fingers worked through a particularly large knot in his hair. “And you know the same goes for you, right? I mean, I know today was—”

“Today doesn’t count,” Jensen said quietly. “Today just showed us what we need. That everything is easier, even the shittiness is more bearable, as long as we stick together.” Jensen felt Jared nod, the movement only noticeable under his hand still resting against Jared’s scalp.

“Guess we should get back,” Jared said. Jensen hummed in grudging agreement before pushing himself off the couch, pulling Jared up next to him.

The five-minute walk back was silent save for the scuffing of boots across gravel and the swish of fabric against fabric. Jared’s hand brushed Jensen’s on every other stride and Jensen resisted the urge to grab onto it, to weave their fingers together, to bring Jared’s hand up to his mouth and kiss every knuckle and taste every fingerprint.

They turned the corner to set and saw everything ready to go, everyone looking like it was the last second of a countdown and they were just waiting for Jared and Jensen, the proverbial gunshot.

Jensen stepped up to his mark and saw Jared do the same. Guy called action. A minute into the first take, Jared’s shoe got caught on something, causing him to trip and almost fall. Jensen caught his shoulders, saw his face turn red as Guy shouted “Cut!” behind them. Jensen just looked Jared in the eyes and shook his head firmly. He squeezed Jared’s shoulders reassuringly, saw Jared’s lips quirk up slightly as the pink receded from his skin, and Jensen knew it would be okay.

The second take was perfect, the sounds of Guy’s voice filled with pride as he yelled, “Cut! Print that one!” was like music to Jensen’s ears.

“All right, guys,” Guy said as he looked around at the crew, “I know today was…”

“Shitty?” someone called out.

“Yeah, basically,” Guy admitted. “But we got everything we need, so take a long weekend. Be back Sunday night, ready to go.”

There were some whistles from the small crowd, a chorus of thank yous and even more oh, thank gods accompanied by sighs of relief.

“So,” Jared said as they turned to walk towards their trailers, “long weekend, huh? Do you wanna maybe…come over?” He asked as if Jensen didn’t have half his wardrobe and two of his guitars already at Jared’s. Except…

“Actually, I think I should go to Texas, pay my parents a visit,” Jensen said, lips twisting in an apologetic smile.

“Oh. Yeah, they…they’ll appreciate that.” Jared bit his lip, something he always did when he wanted to ask a question but was scared.

“Just spit it out, Jay,” Jensen said affectionately.

“Are you gonna tell them about us?” Jared let loose in rush of breath.

“They…don’t even know I’m gay,” Jensen reminded him. He glanced around then; they were standing (thankfully alone) right outside his trailer.

“You could tell them. I mean…could you? You don’t talk about them a lot so I don’t actually have any idea what they’re like and I don’t want to make assumptions one way or another but I know what growing up in Texas is like and—”

“Jared, breathe.”

“Right. Okay. Seriously though. _Could_ you tell them?”

Jensen shrugged. “When I left for L.A., I decided that I would tell them when I met the person I wanted to spend the rest my life with. I guess maybe part of me thought I’d never meet that person. But now…”

“But now…?”

“Now…everything’s different.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He arrived in Richardson early the next afternoon, his mother flinging the door open with surprise, excitement evident in her expression and the length of time she held Jensen in a hug before letting him go and beckoning him inside.

He dropped his bags in the entryway as he followed her through to the kitchen. The house was empty except for them, which Jensen was grateful for…until his momma turned to study him. She stared at him, stared _through_ him, and Jensen knew whatever conversation was brewing in that shrewd mind of hers was about to leave him scattered across the floor in pieces.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Nobody’s causing me grief, mom,” Jensen said with a heavy sigh.

“No,” his mother said, all too knowingly, and it made Jensen tense up. “No, it’s your heart, isn’t it?”

“I’m not unhappy, if that’s what you’re getting at,” Jensen replied, trying to keep the steel out of his voice. It wasn’t because she was making him angry; it was because she was scaring him. Donna had always been able to see right through Jensen, and he’d never kept many secrets from her. There’d never been any point, because she’d could always figure them out pretty quickly.

“You know what I figured out when I met your father?” Jensen shrugged and Donna continued. “Even when you’re in love and happier than you ever thought possible, your heart can still feel like it’s breaking a little too. I know it seems wrong, that your heart can break from happiness, but it can. And you, Jensen, you look like your heart is shattering into a million little pieces, and you’re not sure what to do because you never expected it to feel _good_.

“So, tell me…how long have you been in love?”

Jensen was dumbstruck, his mother’s words racing through his mind. They shouldn’t make sense but somehow they did, wholly and completely, and it was a bit of a relief, knowing that he wasn’t going crazy. That the way his insides were twisted up was normal. He was relieved that, once again, his momma just got him.

But…

“I…can’t tell you,” he whispered regretfully and looked away, not wanting to see the disappointment and hurt on her face. Small but strong fingers gripped his jaw and gently yet firmly turned his head back so that he was facing her again. He met her gaze, warm and loving and understanding.

“Why can’t you tell me?” she asked softly.

“I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you,” Jensen replied, shaking his head at the absurdity of the situation. Of the world.

“Jensen, honey…I know you’re gay. So if you’re scared to tell me because of that… _please_ , don’t be. I love you, baby, exactly as you are.”

Jensen wasn’t just dumbstruck now, he was completely shell-shocked. His sexuality was one of the only secrets he’d kept fully hidden from his friends and family. He hadn’t told one single person about his preference for men until he was in L.A. and had said person naked in his bed. Growing up in Texas—even Dallas, where the general population tended to be a little more open-minded (if not quite liberal)—meant hiding certain things about oneself was second-nature; it was more than just a kneejerk reaction, it was a survival instinct. One that was learned quickly by anybody who veered away from the “traditional”, which could mean anything from being gay to not liking football. (Jensen was pretty sure that no Texas parent, no matter how understanding and accepting, would have forgiven their child for not liking football.)

So yes, for little Texan kids and teenagers figuring out that they were different, the default setting was to hide those things, even from the most trustworthy of friends. And _especially_ from parents. So Jensen did just that. Hell, he’d never even let the _thought_ of telling his mom or dad cross his mind back then. He didn’t bend himself over backwards trying to convince them of the opposite either, though, mainly because he hadn’t needed to. He’d always been shy and very protective of his privacy, so after kissing Sara Ludowski his freshman year of high school and confirming what he’d been terrified of—that he was, in fact, gay—Jensen went the whole celibacy route. Sure, he asked girls to homecoming and prom but it was always just as friends (and he made sure they knew that). On the very rare occasions that Jensen was asked about his dating life (or complete lack thereof), he’d just shrug and say that he wasn’t worried about it because he was looking forward to college and all the new people he’d meet there.

It was enough to keep people off his back; they were more interested in their own sex lives anyways. Plus, though Jensen was shy and single, he did his best to be sociable and likeable and that also helped to smooth any questions out.

Yet here was his mother, standing in front of him in the kitchen of his childhood home telling him oh-so-casually that she knew he was gay. Like it wasn’t the biggest fucking deal.

“Wh-what?” Jensen finally got out, words raspy and low. “How’d you—when’d you— _how_?” Donna offered a small smile, one of comfort and reassurance.

“Remember your first kiss?” Jensen nodded. “Do you remember telling me about it that same night?”

“A little…”

“The look on your face…Jensen, honey, you weren’t happy or excited or embarrassed even. You were almost numb, vacant. And just underneath that, I could tell you were scared. Terrified, actually, though it wasn’t directed at me or at the girl or even yourself. The look in your eyes, realization and fear…I’d seen it before.

“I’d seen that expression on my sister thirty years earlier.”

“Aunt Darla?” Jensen blinked in surprise. Donna nodded silently. “Wh-why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you tell me that you knew?”

“Well, I was hoping that _you_ would tell _me_ , once your emotions evened out and you, you know, weren’t in shock. When you didn’t tell me after a few months, I thought maybe you would tell us before you left for college or California. When that didn’t happen, I hoped that maybe once you started dating someone you would tell me. And you just…never did. I wasn’t sure why, if it was more than just general fear that was holding you back. If I’d done something or said something that made you hesitant to tell me.

“From the second you walked in the door yesterday, I could tell something was different. That you weren’t just in a relationship, you were in love. So I waited and hoped…and then I realized. You weren’t going to tell me. And I couldn’t watch you suffer like that, thinking that you had to hide such an important part of yourself because you thought I might disapprove, or worse.

“I don’t, Jensen. I’m _so_ happy for you, and I want you to be able to talk to me about it! I want to hear all about this special boy, if that’s okay with you.”

Jensen skimmed his hand over the worn-smooth surface of the butcher block countertop of the kitchen island that he sat at silently as the colors of his childhood home sharpened into clarity, bringing both warmth and bitterness. He was warm with the knowledge that here was his mother, accepting him with no ‘buts’ or ultimatums or desperate questions like ‘Are you sure it’s not just a phase?’; and he was bitter with the realization that he could have had this all along.

Jensen was lucky in that, even though he felt the need to hide his sexuality while growing up, he never found himself filled with the fear of bodily harm or parental abandonment, either. But the uncertainty was never far away, and that chronic, low-grade thrum of paranoia that was a constant thread throughout his teenage years was enough to keep his mouth shut about the truth, enough to keep him lying to everyone, even the people he trusted with his life.

A tension that Jensen hadn’t realized he’d been living with for over a decade was suddenly gone with a snap as that long-standing cord of paranoia was cut by his mother’s admission, the relief he never knew he craved until just now washing over him and leaving him wrung out in the best way.

“Thank you, momma,” he said, his voice rough and broken, his eyes prickling and wet.

“No need to thank me for loving you, Jensen. It’s why I’m here,” Donna replied, and Jensen couldn’t stop the tears from falling.


	15. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you loooooove him?” she sing-songed, her mouth dropping open when Jensen just flushed a deeper pink. “Oh my god, you do! You love him!”
> 
> “Jensen, is this true?” Donna asked. Jensen cleared his throat and stood up.
> 
> “I’m gonna go shower.”
> 
> “That means yes!” Mackenzie cackled gleefully before delving into an ear-splitting and impressively off-key rendition of, “Jared and Jensen sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…” Jensen raced out of the kitchen, grabbing his bags from the entryway before taking the stairs two at a time. “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage… Oh my god, you guys should _totally_ adopt!”

Jensen was going to go shower, get cleaned up, and generally just pull himself together before his father got home. That had been his plan, anyways. But there were still fresh tear tracks on his cheeks and a lump in his throat when he heard a car pull into the driveway and a few seconds later, the door leading from the kitchen to the garage opened to reveal Alan Ackles.

“Jensen!” A surprised smile broke out on his face but quickly dropped into a confused frown when he saw Jensen’s expression. “Bud? Are you okay? Did something happen?” When Jensen didn’t respond, Alan turned to his wife, confusion and alarm warring for space in his expression. “Donna?!”.

“Everything’s fine, Alan,” Donna said, patting her husband’s cheek reassuringly. “Jensen had a few days break from filming and wanted to surprise us.” Alan swept Donna into a hug and whispered into her ear, thinking Jensen wouldn’t be able to overhear the next question.

“Why is he crying? Donna, I haven’t seen him cry since…since your father’s funeral. _Twelve_ years ago.”

“It’s my fault,” she whispered back, “and don’t worry, he’s fine. I think they’re just tears of relief. But he needs to tell you something, and whatever he says you _need_ to support him. _Promise_ me.”

Alan finally pulled back and Jensen didn’t miss the sharp nod he gave Donna in response to her quiet request. Whether he kept that promise…Jensen supposed he would find out soon enough.

Alan then turned towards Jensen to offer him a hug as well.

“It’s so good to see you, Jensen.”

“You too, dad.” Jensen sent up a quick thanks when his voice came out stronger and steadier than he expected it to. Alan let go and began shedding his suit jacket and tie.

“So, Donna said you wanted to tell me something?” His warm smile did nothing to temper the renewed flare of panic coursing through Jensen like fire.

Jensen didn’t necessarily feel uncomfortable telling his dad stuff, but his mom had always been his primary confidant, and throughout the years Jensen had realized that, if he couldn’t bring himself to tell Donna something, he was _never_ able to tell Alan either. And with _this_ , this huge secret Jensen had been keeping for over a decade…well, if Donna hadn’t just admitted that she’d already known for awhile now, Jensen wasn’t sure he would have been able to tell her. So the idea of telling his _dad_ hadn’t ever even had the chance to enter his thoughts. Yet here his dad stood, looking on expectantly as he rolled up his shirt sleeves and toed off his shoes. The sight was comforting, still so familiar even though it had been more than nine years since Jensen had experienced it day-to-day.

It made his heart ache with the desire to tell his father, with the hope that Alan wouldn’t be angry or dismissive; but it also ached with trepidation and fear, because Jensen honestly had no clue how his dad would react. Then again, his mom wouldn’t have mentioned it to him if she didn’t have faith in her husband, the father of her children…right?

Jensen wasn’t sure of anything anymore, except that this secret he’d easily, almost effortlessly kept for thirteen years was suddenly burning a hole the size of Texas in his chest, _needing_ to be set free. And the fact of the matter was, now that Jensen knew his mom knew, it didn’t feel right keeping it from his dad.

“I’m gay,” he blurted out, resisting the urge to immediately turn tail and just run.

Alan’s eyebrows shot up, eyes flashing with surprise. He opened his mouth to say something and Jensen pulled away, mentally preparing his defenses for—

“I know.”

Not that.

Well, shit.

“ _What?_ ”

“I know. That you’re gay. I mean, I wasn’t _sure_ , but…I suspected.”

“H-how?” Jensen asked. Alan shrugged and joined him at the island, sitting down but leaving a barstool of space between them.

“You didn’t date anyone in high school, though I didn’t think too much of it then. But when you went to California…publicly you dated a few girls, yeah, but you _never_ talked about them. Never even _mentioned_ them. You know who you did talk about though?”

Jensen’s stomach dropped as something like dread filled him. “Who?”

“Jared. You called me after that first day of filming, talked my ear off for hours. I’ve never heard you say so much all at once, but you just kept going on and on about your new costar.” Alan chuckled fondly and Jensen’s stomach stopped mid-drop.

“H-how are you… You’re not mad.” It wasn’t a question on Jensen’s part; it was an observation, and a shocked one at that. Alan smiled, reached over to grip Jensen’s shoulder.

“You know how I was raised, with the fire-and-brimstone brand of Christianity, and my mother being so bigoted about practically everything that I don’t even know how she walked outside without having a heart attack. I can understand why you were hesitant to tell me. And if it had been twenty or thirty years ago, I might’ve reacted differently than I am now.”

Jensen remembered his grandmother, Gloria, only vaguely. His father had mostly kept her away from them because she had been utterly horrendous and downright batshit crazy. When she passed away when Jensen was in high school, he didn’t remember seeing his father shed even a single tear. Alan had gone to the funeral alone, and when he’d returned Jensen recalled the look on his father’s face; it wasn’t sadness or grief, it was…disappointment. Regret. And relief.

However, Alan had never openly denounced Gloria and her twisted ideologies, either, and there was a bubble of apprehension nestled deep in Jensen that had him fearful that his father was more in agreement with Gloria than he showed. Or that as Alan aged, his morality pointer would swing hard to the right. That he would slowly turn into Jensen’s grandmother.

Not that Alan had ever given any indication that he was becoming that kind of person, but Jensen knew that fear was often irrational, especially when it came to family. Apparently, though, he’d worried for nothing.

“So…what changed?”

“A little bit of everything,” Alan shrugged. “I had certain beliefs drilled into me since before I even knew what hate was. Then I left home. I left that church. I met new people, different people. Saw different parts of Texas, different parts of the country. Basically, I grew up.

“I met your mother. She was so laid back, just went with the flow. She enjoyed life, didn’t try to force it to be something it wasn’t. She just let things and people be what and who they were, and if she didn’t like it, she didn’t try to change it, she just let it go, let it out of her life. I’d never really met someone like that, someone who understood that it wasn’t their job to try to control everything, to try to make everything into something they saw as acceptable.”

“Mom, you were a hippie?” Jensen said in surprise. He’d never heard Alan talk about Donna like this, how she was when they were still young and carefree.

“No, of course not. I much preferred disco,” Donna said. Jensen snorted.

“Anyways,” Alan continued, “needless to say, my outlook started to change. But the most significant turning point was having Josh and you and Mackenzie. When you were born, I promised myself that I would ‘raise you right’, so to speak, and that I’d love you no matter what.

“But it wasn’t until a few years later that I started to understand what that unconditional love really meant. You were about six, I took you to the grocery store and you stole—”

“Candy. I stole a bag of M&M’s because you wouldn’t buy them for me,” Jensen recalled.

“Yeah,” Alan said with a smile and a shake of his head. “I was so disappointed in you, I felt like I’d failed somehow. But I wasn’t _angry_ like I was expecting to be. You messed up, you did something that wasn’t right, and no one would argue against that. But I forgave you, not because you were still young and you didn’t know better—because you _did_ know better, and not because it wasn’t a big deal, only twenty-five cents worth of candy. I forgave you because I loved you, and I decided then and there that my love would not be dependent on you being a perfect human being who never made mistakes or did things that I disagreed with.

“So when I started to think you might be gay, all I could think was…if I can _forgive_ you for _breaking the law_ , then I sure as hell can _accept_ you for _who you love_.”

“I—uh, I’m…” Jensen stammered, shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Jensen, honey.” Donna laid her hand over his. “Why are you apologizing?”

“For not trusting you. For thinking the worst, for expecting anything other than acceptance from you both. For hiding such an important part of me for so long.” Jensen shrugged.

“Jensen, we’re not blind,” Alan said. “We may not understand what it’s like to grow up outside the norm, especially here in Texas, but we’ve seen other people struggle with it. You did what you thought was necessary and we’re not going to sit here and tell you that you handled it wrong. I mean, it’s not like we ever told any of you, ‘Oh, on the off-chance that you’re gay, we just want you to know that we love you and support you.’”

“Oh, god…how are Mac and Josh gonna take this?” Jensen realized that he’d have to tell his siblings now, too.

“I think,” said a voice from the edge of the kitchen, “they’ll love you no matter what.” Jensen snapped his head around to see Mackenzie, his younger sister, enter the kitchen.

“Mac,” Jensen breathed.

“Jensen Ross,” Mackenzie said as she squeezed herself onto the stool between him and their father. “So, who’s the lucky guy? ‘Cause I gotta say, if he’s hotter than my boyfriend then one of us is going to have to break it off.”

“Then it looks like you’re about to be single again, because I’m ninety-nine percent sure Jared is hotter than your boy of the week, and I’m one hundred percent sure that I will not be breaking up with Jared. Like, ever.” Jensen fell into the banter easily; the back-and-forth put him at ease and did more to reassure him of his sister’s acceptance than anything she could have said.

“Oooh, so it’s serious?” she asked as she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. Jensen blushed. He hadn’t even been planning on telling anyone about Jared, let alone admitting that it was serious.

“Do you loooooove him?” she sing-songed, her mouth dropping open when Jensen just flushed a deeper pink. “Oh my god, you do! You love him!”

“Jensen, is this true?” Donna asked. Jensen cleared his throat and stood up.

“I’m gonna go shower.”

“That means yes!” Mackenzie cackled gleefully before delving into an ear-splitting and impressively off-key rendition of, “Jared and Jensen sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…” Jensen raced out of the kitchen, grabbing his bags from the entryway before taking the stairs two at a time. “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage… Oh my god, you guys should _totally_ adopt!”

Jensen slammed his bedroom door shut, cutting off the squeals and laughter now coming from all three people in the kitchen. He fished his phone out of his pocket and hit speed dial one, his face feeling like it was being split in half by a massive grin.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Jensen.”

“Jared.”

“What’s up, babe?”

Jensen had to stifle a laugh at hearing Jared call him ‘babe’ when, for the last two months, every time Jensen would use that pet name Jared would scrunch his nose up and huff and whine, “Jennn, don’t call me that!”

“So…my parents, they know. That I’m gay.”

“Oh, wow. You told them?”

“Actually, they already knew. Or they had suspicions.”

“Shit, Jen. How’d they take it? Are you okay?”

Jensen laughed. “I’m okay, Jared. They were…they weren’t just accepting, they were almost indifferent. In a good way! Like it didn’t change anything. And I mean, if they’d already figured it out a long time ago and I never noticed them acting any differently towards me, I guess it really doesn’t change anything.”

“Jen, that’s awesome. I mean, that’s like… _really_ fucking amazing.”

“Yeah,” Jensen agreed absently. “I told them that it was you. My dad already knew. Hell, he knew before I even did! Said the way I talked about you while we were filming the pilot was more than I’d ever talked about anyone before, even the girls I, y’know, dated.”

Jared laughed, light and cheerful. “So I take it this means you won’t be scared to introduce me when they come up to visit?”

“I was never scared to introduce you!” Jensen insisted indignantly. “Just…now I can do it as my boyfriend, not just my co-worker.”

“D’you think they’ll like me?” Jensen could hear the worry in Jared’s voice.

“I think _everyone_ likes you, Jay. Trust me, they’ll adore you. I mean, _I_ certainly do…”

“Aw, you sap.”

“Nope. Not at all. So…whatcha doin’?”

“Umm…”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Jared lied, and now Jensen was curious. Jared wasn’t particularly shy about giving Jensen a play-by-play of what he was doing, even if he was sitting on the toilet pooping. So the fact that Jared didn’t want to say definitely peaked Jensen’s interest.

“Well I know that’s not true. C’mon, just tell me. Jay, you sent me a picture of your poop one time, which was totally gross by the way. Whatever you’re doing cannot be more embarrassing than that.”

“Not embarrassed,” Jared mumbled.

“Then tell me!”

Jared huffed. “You interrupted me! Okay?”

“Interrupted what?”

“Uh…private time?”

“What—oh. _Oh_ ,” Jensen said, finally getting it. And then those images he tried so valiantly to push away came flooding back, making him grow hard in just a few seconds. “Shit,” he hissed, palming his crotch as he sat down on the bed, the sudden southward flow of blood making him lightheaded.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Jensen muttered.

“Now who’s lying?” Jared said. Jensen took a deep breath. Yes, he was slightly sexually frustrated and he knew that he and Jared would eventually have to talk about the elephant in the room. But Jensen did _not_ want to have that conversation over the phone, while sitting in his childhood bedroom with his parents just downstairs.

“I stubbed my toe. It’s fine.”

“Jensen…” Jared warned, catching the lie again. Jensen decided to throw caution to the wind.

“Honestly? I’ve got a raging hard-on just from you telling me that you were spanking it when I called and now I can’t get that image out of my head and I should _really_ go shower because my parents are downstairs and we haven’t talked about this yet and I’d prefer to do it when we’re not three thousand miles away from each other.”

“Oh. Oh, _god_. I’m sorry.”

“What? I’m not mad, Jared! Not at all. But, I mean…”

“No, I get it. Go shower and enjoy your weekend and we’ll talk when you get back. Saturday, right?”

“Yeah. Should I get a cab at the airport?”

“Nah, I’ll pick you up. Perks of dating me and whatnot. Um…you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, Jay. I’m fine. I’ll call you later.”

“Love you,” Jared said, his voice quiet. Jensen smiled.

“I love you too, you loon.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen’s old bedroom had been converted into a more general guestroom a few years back, but it was still the room he stayed in whenever he visited his parents.

There was a queen bed instead of his old double; the duvet was now a soft green instead of the garish navy, gray, and lime green striped one that he’d picked out when he was thirteen. (Jensen was man enough to admit that his taste had improved exponentially in the last fifteen years.)

There were _always_ flowers on the windowsill, whatever was in season and growing in Donna’s garden—early October meant that she’d just picked the last of her bright yellow chrysanthemums and they were scattered in vases throughout the entire house. Jensen knew which type of flowers they were because he used to help his mom in her garden, planting and weeding and getting a constant rundown of plant names and when they bloomed and how to properly care for them.

Jensen didn’t have a particularly green thumb himself (when he got to L.A. he’d bought a tiny cactus to brighten up his equally tiny apartment, but somehow he’d managed to kill the idiot-proof plant in less than half a year), and he could take or leave gardening as hobby. The reason he spent so much time out there with his mom was because of the stories. The ones that she usually kept locked up tight would always find their way out while she was deep in her head, as if she were lulled into a sense that anything she said there would be forgotten by Jensen the second they stepped back inside.

Jensen never forgot those stories, but he never spoke of them afterwards either. And they were some of the best tales Jensen had ever heard, especially when Donna talked about her high school friend, Valerie. Jensen was pretty sure he’d blocked a few of them out, they’d been so wild.

He shook himself out of his reverie, tearing his eyes away from the flowers framed almost perfectly by the setting sun pouring through the window. He set his duffel on the bed and dug through it, pulling out clean boxers, a fresh shirt, and his toiletries bag.

He turned and walked into the adjoining bathroom—the other reason he always stayed in his old bedroom when he visited—where there were already fresh towels laid out on the counter. He started the shower and let it run for a minute while he shed his clothes, then adjusted the temperature before stepping inside.

Jensen had, in fact, been extremely turned on when he’d gotten off the phone with Jared, but his inadvertent trip down memory lane had cooled him off a bit. Of course, just thinking that made him think about Jared again, made him remember what his boyfriend had apparently been doing when he’d called, and _that_ thought had Jensen’s cock filling back up so fast it was almost painful.

Just because they were dating now didn’t mean Jensen felt like Jared owed him anything (except maybe a conversation; at some point. they needed to get on the same page), but Jensen couldn’t deny that the modest intimacy he and Jared did occasionally share didn’t do much to take the edge off; if anything, it drove Jensen crazier. For the first time in years, Jensen was in a relationship. For the first time _ever_ , Jensen was in love. And yes, he definitely fell in love with Jared for who he was on the inside, but Jensen remembered clearly his initial thoughts upon seeing Jared for the first time all those months ago, and there was definitely no shortage of instant attraction.

Jared was Adonis with a heart of gold, and he was _right there_ within Jensen’s reach. But Jensen didn’t know if he was allowed to touch.

But what Jensen _could_ do was fantasize, so he called up all those images he usually pushed away and they came, quick and willing and even better than he remembered.

He slid his hands across his chest, the slickness a pleasant surprise; he didn’t remember soaping up his hands—or the rest of his body, for that matter. He tweaked his nipple but moved on after just a few moments, his hands working their way down to his thick, hard cock. It was bobbing impatiently, demanding attention and already eager for release.

Jensen thought about Jared, wondered if he’d gone back to jacking off after getting off the phone, if he was taking his time, working himself up slowly. That’s what Jensen would do to him, if he got the chance. Turn Jared into a pleading mess, a puddle of want and need; bring him to the edge over and over before backing off at the last second.

He gripped his cock in one hand and squeezed, the pressure making him want to sob with relief. He moved his hand up and down, the pace slow and his grip tight.

Thinking about ways he would pleasure Jared made Jensen wonder what Jared actually liked. He knew the kid didn’t have any first-hand experience outside of self-masturbation, but Jensen _also_ knew that didn’t mean Jared was _inexperienced_.

Jensen’s other hand wandered absently, rolling his balls and tugging on them gently before his fingers moved back farther, kept going until they reached his hole. One finger tapped lightly against the puckered opening and he felt his muscles clench. He jerked in surprise, his focus snapping immediately to what that hand was doing. What the hell _was_ that hand doing? He froze, almost embarrassed except, well, there was no one here to be embarrassed in front of.

Contrary to more than a few rumors he’d heard over the years (rumors that grew especially abundant during his tenures on Dark Angel and Smallville), Jensen was not a player. Hell, he could count on one hand the number of guys he’d ever done _anything_ with, even just drunkenly making out. After all, being a gay teenage boy in Texas in the 1990s did not offer many opportunities for experimentation, and immediately after high school he’d entered the world of Hollywood. Unlike the Lone Star state, L.A. offered a _plethora_ of opportunities…but those came with their own brand of hazards: non-disclosure agreements; roles like designated sidekick and token gay guy but _never_ the leading man, the heartthrob, the hero; and the worst-case scenario: being blacklisted. Hollywood might have preached acceptance, but the moment he’d stepped foot onto that southern California soil, there’d been no doubt in Jensen’s mind that if he wanted top billing, lead role status one day, his bedroom activities had to remain firmly behind closed (and double-locked) doors.

But even that wasn’t a guarantee. In Texas, sex ed basically consisted of ‘You can’t get pregnant if you don’t have sex in the first place!’ and being gay in Hollywood felt weirdly similar to Jensen, like ‘You can’t be outed if you don’t hook up with anyone in the first place!’ So…he kept it in his pants, for the most part. There had been one or two drunken makeout-jerkoff sessions with strangers, yes, but it only happened those two times, because the second time he’d almost gotten caught by the wrong people.

He’d had a relationship for a few years, one that had been serious simply because of the length of time they were together and not necessarily because they were _actually_ serious. Plus, at that point, Jensen had still been in his early twenties, and while he’d enjoyed the constant sex and companionship from a monogamous partner, he’d had no illusions that his boyfriend had been The One.

So although Jensen didn’t get around much at all, he was by no means a virgin either. _But_ …he’d always topped. _Always_. To the point that he’d somehow managed to never include his own ass in any sex (even when he was by himself), and he’d been perfectly content with that.

This was the first time he’d ever touched himself back there.

And now, now he couldn’t help but imagine what it would feel like, Jared’s long fingers breaching him, one by one, teasingly slow. Feeling around inside him for that special spot that he’d seen other partners react to but that he had never experienced for himself. He imagined Jared opening him up with his fingers—oh god, with his _tongue_ —before driving slowly into him, sheathing his undoubtedly-giant cock fully inside him. And…

Fuck, Jensen was suddenly coming _hard_ , one fist gripped tight around his cock while the middle finger of his other hand pressed up inside his hole to the first knuckle. And that’s what had pushed—nay, _hurled_ —Jensen over the edge of his orgasm.

Yeah, he could totally get behind (pun intended) bottoming for Jared. (Well, half of the time. There was no fucking way Jensen was going to miss out on _Jared’s_ ass.) That was, if they ever actually got to that point.

Until then, maybe he’d just invest in a dildo.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen’s mind still felt dirty after his shower, but physically he felt clean and refreshed. He got dressed and brushed his teeth but decided to forgo shaving, something he’d started doing whenever he got the chance; now that he was playing Dean, he had to shave every day he filmed and it was starting to annoy him.

“You were gone awhile,” Mackenzie said with a smirk when Jensen finally made it back down to the kitchen.

“First of all, I don’t know what you’re insinuating but you should definitely stop because you’re my _sister_ ,” Jensen said. “And second, I…I had a phone call to make.”

“You mean to Jare bear?” she teased.

“Jared’s scared of bears,” Jensen said absently, then shook his head. “But yes, I called Jared. Happy? Can we move on now?”

“Actually, I wouldn’t mind hearing a little more about him,” Donna jumped in. Jensen groaned.

“Mom, it’s not like I’ve never talked about him.”

“No, but now that we know he’s your _boyfriend_ , it’s different!”

“It’s really not,” Jensen argued. “He’s still the same person. Big and tall and klutzy and nice to everyone. Just… _ridiculously_ nice. Seriously, I’m not sure he’s met even one person in his whole life that didn’t immediately like him. I mean, for example, he knew the names of _every_ _single_ cast and crew member by the end of the _second_ day on set! When I told him that he was making me look bad, he just laughed. But then the next day he showed up with a freaking three-ring binder like fifty sheets thick of everyone’s name and job description and picture and said he refused to let anyone think I was a, as he put it, ‘diva slacker’ just because he happened to be an overachiever.

“And I don’t think I’ve ever seen a human being put away so much candy. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if his poop was rainbow colored or something.

“And he’s just so big and loud and sweaty and goofy but it’s never annoying. You don’t get tired of him, you just want to be around him more. It’s like the laws of physics work differently for him. I dunno.”

When Jensen stopped talking, he realized that both of his parents and his sister were staring at him slack-jawed.

“What?” he asked, confused. “Why are you looking at me all weird? I know I don’t have anything in my teeth because I just brushed them.”

“Holy crap, Jensen,” Mackenzie said, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that many words all at once. Oh my god, you are _so_ smitten!”

“Shut up,” Jensen grumbled. And fine, maybe he was bit more talkative when the subject matter was his boyfriend, but his family was looking at him like he’d just told them he wanted to sell all his belongings and join the circus.

“Seriously, stop staring at me! It’s starting to creep me out.”

“You’re totally head-over-heels in love!” Mackenzie crowed. “Josh is gonna shit himself!”

“Language, Mackenzie,” Donna scolded, though Jensen knew it was more out of habit than actually caring anymore.

“Look, I’d appreciate it if y’all didn’t tell Josh,” Jensen said. “I should probably do it myself.”

“Too late, little bro,” someone said with a snort. Jensen spun around to face his brother.

“What the hell! How do you guys _do_ that?”

“Hi to you too,” Josh said, pulling Jensen into a hug. “And what’s this I hear about you being in love?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jensen replied in a monotone.

“Dude, workplace romances are always a recipe for disaster, but…at least you’re not sleepin’ with the boss,” Josh joked. Jensen blushed.

“Shut up.”

“No worries, bro. As long as he makes you happy.”

“He? So you…”

“I overheard that you’re dating your male costar, one Jared Padalecki, and that he already has you wrapped around his finger, and that also you’re apparently really into the fact that he’s bigger than you? Yep.”

“Oh.”

“So, mom, dad,” Josh turned his attention to Donna and Alan, clapping his hands together expectantly, “what wonderfulness are you making for our impromptu family reunion dinner?”

“Steak!” everyone said at the same time.


	16. Shower Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Jensen Ross, are you sick?!”
> 
> “Just a cold, mom!” he whined; she cursed again.
> 
> “Do you need anything?” she asked tentatively, probably hoping Jensen would say no and let her leave. He just answered her with a pitiful groan. The groan morphed into a pained whimper as his phone began to ring, loudly and right by his head. He grabbed for it and flipped it open without checking to see who was calling.
> 
> “ _What?_ ” he snarled, then broke into a coughing fit.
> 
> “Jen?! You okay?”
> 
> That was Jared’s voice. Jared would make everything better, Jensen decided. That is, if he didn’t piss Jared off first.
> 
> “Sick,” he whined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so _so_ much thanks to [cyncitymojo](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cyncitymojo/pseuds/cyncitymojo) for her help on this chapter _and_ the last one. As always, my savior.

When Jensen woke up the next morning, he immediately wished he’d fall back asleep. Or die. He wasn’t picky, just whichever came first.

So _maybe_ flying from Vancouver to Texas when he knew he’d felt a cold coming on wasn’t the best idea, and _maybe_ he’d forgotten all about it with all the excitement of yesterday evening. But the dam had finally broken (metaphorically _and_ literally; Jensen didn’t realize a nose could produce so much snot), and he was trapped in bed. In Richardson. And Jared was three thousand miles away.

Jensen knew his mother loved him no matter what, but he also knew she would be very little help to him right now. Not that Jensen could blame her; he was a miserable bastard when he was sick, and feeling like he was on his deathbed tended to cause him to take it out on the people around him. As much as Jensen wanted to be taken care of when he felt like this, he discovered that it was easier for him to be left alone than to have to deal with being sick _and_ accidentally saying something he’d regret to someone he loved, especially when that someone was just trying to help. That way he didn’t have to curtail his whining and moaning, but he had no one to whine _to_. Which made it much less satisfying, but still…

“Jensen?” Donna’s voice came through the closed door as she knocked quietly. “It’s almost noon. Are you hungry? We were thinking about going out, maybe Mexican…”

Jensen was surprised his family had let him sleep in this late, but then he remembered calling his dad one day about three weeks into filming. He’d been utterly exhausted and had finally broken down, worried that he wouldn’t make it through because of how little sleep he’d been getting every night.

It had gotten a little better as the crew all settled in and found a system that worked for them, and when Jensen realized that taking naps during breaks on set really _wasn’t_ unprofessional when he often spent eighteen hours a day, five or six days a week there.

So his family letting him sleep until noon probably meant that they were all aware of Jensen’s schedule and were just trying to be thoughtful. Unfortunately, they were about to find out the real reason Jensen was still in bed.

“Not hungry,” he croaked. He heard Donna’s muffled curse.

“Jensen Ross, are you sick?!”

“Just a cold, mom!” he whined; she cursed again.

“Do you need anything?” she asked tentatively, probably hoping Jensen would say no and let her leave. He just answered her with a pitiful groan. The groan morphed into a pained whimper as his phone began to ring, loudly and right by his head. He grabbed for it and flipped it open without checking to see who was calling.

“ _What?_ ” he snarled, then broke into a coughing fit.

“Jen?! You okay?”

That was Jared’s voice. Jared would make everything better, Jensen decided. That is, if he didn’t piss Jared off first.

“Sick,” he whined.

“Aw, baby. I can tell. Damn, I _knew_ you weren’t feeling well when you left. You gonna be okay? Your momma’ll take care of you, yeah?”

“Nuh uh,” Jensen grumbled, “they don’ like me…when I’m sick.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I dunno.” He sighed, suddenly tired. His head felt foggy and he was having trouble keeping up with the simple conversation. “Miss you.”

“I miss you. Are you sure you’re okay? You _really_ don’t sound good.” Jared sounded worried.

“Think I’m dyin’. But. I’ll be…fine.”

“Jen, that’s not funny.”

“Not tryin’…be funny. _You’re_ funny.”

“You sound stoned. Did you take any meds yet?”

“Meds?” Jensen asked, confused.

“I packed a bunch of different cold meds in your bag before you left. Can you get them?”

“Huh?”

“Oh, for crying—put your momma on the phone!”

And seriously, the laws of physics (or whatever) _totally_ worked differently for Jared, because right at that moment Jensen’s door opened and Donna walked in, almost like she knew Jared wanted to speak to her.

“ _Mommmm_ ,” he whined, holding out his phone and waving it in her general direction. She lifted an eyebrow but didn’t comment, just took the phone from him.

“Hello?... Jared! It’s so nice to finally talk to you!… Yes, _believe_ _me_ , I know he’s sick… Oh, you did? Oh, honey, that was so thoughtful of you!… Of course… No, he’s just… Yes. Exactly. Usually he wants us to leave him alone… Oh, no, you don’t have to do that!... Oh, well, if you _want_ to… Of course that would be fine...” Donna walked out of the room, leaving the door cracked open. Jensen could hear her voice drifting from down the hall, though he kept losing focus of what she was saying and finally just let the melodic tone of her voice and occasional laughter lull him into a doze.

Jensen woke an hour later. His phone was back on the nightstand along with a plate of crackers and a bottle of Gatorade, still cold and dripping condensation onto the dark wood table. He got shakily out of bed and walked to the bathroom slowly. When he returned, he took a few sips of the drink but left the crackers untouched.

He fell asleep again quickly, deeper this time, and didn’t wake again for a few more hours.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When Jensen blinked his eyes open, the late-afternoon sun was streaming through the west-facing window, the airy, cotton curtains his mother had hung doing little to block the light. Jensen groaned miserably before realizing that it wasn’t the sun shining in that had woken him; it was actually the warm body causing the bed to dip beside him, and the callused fingers tugging gently at his hair that had roused him.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” said a quiet voice. Jensen rolled his head on the pillow and looked up blearily.

“Can’t believe I’m hallucinating,” he muttered to himself when he saw who was sitting beside him. Jared chuckled, low and soft. “You’re not real,” Jensen said, shutting his eyes so that he wouldn’t have to look at the mirage of his boyfriend. His mind was being cruel, taunting him with the image of the one person he wished was actually there with him.

“Why don’t you think I’m real, Jen?” Jared whispered.

“Jared’s in Vancouver and I’m down here in stupid Texas. All alone,” Jensen pouted, unsure as to why he was having a conversation with his hallucination.

“You don’t think he loves you enough to come take care of you when you’re sick?”

“You’re not allowed to talk about him,” Jensen replied, opening his eyes just so he could glare at fake Jared.

“Why not?” fake Jared asked, and he looked genuinely curious, not at all like he was teasing Jensen.

“’Cause…I miss him,” Jensen mumbled. Fake Jared smiled.

“Okay, I promise not to say another word…if you take these,” he said, holding out a few different pills.

“Fine, but only ‘cause they’re not even real,” Jensen grumbled. He struggled to a seated position then swallowed all the pills at once, taking a swig from the water bottle that fake Jared offered him.

“You want me to get you something to eat?” the hallucination asked. Jensen stared at him.

“Not if you’re as bad as a cook as the real Jared,” he said. Fake Jared laughed. Jensen grumbled some more; now he was irritated as well as sick and he wanted his hallucination to know it. He slid down until his head was on the pillow again, his body snuggled underneath the sheets and blankets until almost his entire face was covered.

“Sleep, babe,” fake Jared whispered, and Jensen couldn’t argue with that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen woke up again a few hours later. The overhead light in the room was off but the lamp on the far side of the bed was turned on low. He heard the whisper of a book page being turned, felt somebody shift slightly on the bed beside him. He rolled onto his side and was met with the glorious sight of Jared. A very _real_ Jared.

“So…that wasn’t a hallucination earlier?” Jensen asked after a minute. Jared looked up from his book, surprised but not startled to see Jensen awake and lucid.

“Hey. You back in the land of the living?”

“Getting there. Um…what happened earlier?”

“What happened was I saw what you would be like if you started taking drugs. And no, you were not hallucinating me earlier. I left for the airport like two seconds after I got off the phone with your mom.”

“You didn’t have to come, Jay.”

“Oh, I _really_ did.”

“Ohhh-kay. Well. Thank you. It, um, means a lot that you’d do all that.”

Jared eyed Jensen like he was crazy. “ _Obviously_ I would, Jen. Y’know, someday we’re gonna have to talk about your ridiculously low expectations.”

“Mm,” Jensen hummed non-committedly.

“Hey, Jen?”

“Yeah?” Before Jared could reply, his stomach rumbled comically loud. “Hungry, Jay?”

Jared shrugged. “I guess, maybe a little.” Jensen smirked. “Okay, a lot. And you need to eat, too. C’mon, sicko. You want a shower or a bath before dinner?”

 _Either, as long as you’re in there with me_ , Jensen thought. Jared choked on a laugh and blushed a faint pink, and Jensen realized he might have accidentally said that out loud.

“Um…that was supposed to stay in my head,” Jensen stammered.

“I figured,” Jared said, lips still twitching up at the corners. He got off the bed and walked around to Jensen’s side, poking him gently in the ribs. “Up!” Jensen sat up and swung his legs over the edge, planting his feet on the floor. He stood…then immediately sat back down.

“Whoa,” he said as the room spun around him, “someone turn this thing off.” He shook his head and blinked a few times, the room finally stilling and re-orienting itself. Jared grabbed Jensen’s elbows and pulled him up again.

“Definitely a shower for you. If you sit down in that tub I’m not sure I’ll be able to get you back up again.”

“You could just give me a sponge bath,” Jensen supplied. It sounded like a perfectly good option at the moment.

“You break both arms and legs and end up in traction, _then_ I’ll give you a sponge bath. But today, you are a big boy with fully-functioning limbs. Okay?”

Jensen giggled. “You said big boy.”

“I…did. Was there some euphemism I missed?” Jared asked in confusion as Jensen continued to giggle.

“Everything’s a euphemism when you’re—when I’m—um, what meds did you give me?” Jensen asked. He looked around and realized they were in the bathroom and Jared was working Jensen’s t-shirt off.

“Probably the wrong ones,” Jared muttered, dropping Jensen’s shirt on the ground and reaching for the waistband of his sweatpants.

“Whoa, Nelly,” Jensen said, scooching backwards a few inches before he was stopped by the wall.

“Shower, Jen, remember? We don’t do that with our clothes on.” Jared reached out and pulled Jensen back towards him.

“Oh. Right. I knew that.”

“I know you did,” Jared said, and Jensen was pretty sure this was how Jared talked to his three-year-old nephew.

“I’m sick. Not a child,” Jensen pouted. Jared arched one eyebrow skeptically.

“Take your pants off,” he said, then reached over to turn the water on.

“Take your pants off,” Jensen mimicked. Jared sighed.

“You are insufferable.”

“That’s why you shouldn’t have come down,” Jensen pointed out.

“Too late,” Jared said with a smirk before pulling his own shirt off. Jensen didn’t even try to hide his stare, becoming mesmerized by the acres of golden skin suddenly on display. He watched, enthralled as Jared’s hands worked the button and zipper of his jeans.

“Wh-what are you doing?”

“Helping you shower,” Jared said simply, casually, like they weren’t both standing _naked_ in front of each other for the _very first freaking time_.

 _I can’t believe this is happening_ , Jensen thought.

“What do you mean?” Jared asked, looking slightly offended.

“Did, uh, I say that out loud too?” Jensen asked, frowning.

“Yeah, you did,” Jared drawled. “You’ve been doing it all day. Even talking in your sleep.”

“…Sorry,” Jensen cringed.

“You’re sick and it’s actually kind of cute. Plus, you usually try to keep everything locked up tight, even from me. It’s kinda nice to see behind the wall, even if it’s mostly just glimpses and incoherent mumbles.” Jared smiled, but it was gone as fast as it came. “But seriously, what’d you mean? You can’t believe this is happening?”

Jensen sighed, resigned, because apparently they were finally having this conversation. Standing buck naked in the bathroom at his parents’ house. While he was hopped up on who knew what kind of cold meds.

“I—we—um… So I love you, Jay, you know that.” Jared nodded and Jensen continued. “And, well…god, you’re _naked_ right now! And all I can think about is licking up your abs which is just really embarrassing because I would probably end up throwing up all over you halfway through. Not to mention that vomit is probably the only thing I could even ‘get up’ right now, so to speak. God, this is coming out all wrong and creepy.”

“Jen, it’s okay, calm down.”

Jensen whined in frustration. He felt like his coherency was going in and out of focus.

“It’s like my brain is a TV and I’m trying to get reception with an old antenna and it keeps going fuzzy.”

“I know, babe. I’m sorry. I really do think a shower will make you feel better,” Jared said.

“A shower…with you,” Jensen asked.

“Yes,” Jared replied.

“But no shower sex. Because we don’t have sex.”

Jensen didn’t mean to say that; he hadn’t even been thinking it. Well, mostly he hadn’t.

“No, we don’t,” Jared said in a murmur. “Wait, _that’s_ what you were trying to talk about?” Jensen nodded. “ _Ohhhh_. Um…” Jared trailed off, as unsure about what to say as Jensen was, so Jensen reached out and cupped Jared’s cheek briefly before turning and stepping under the spray of hot water. Jared followed him in a few seconds later.

Jensen handed Jared a loofah and bottle of body wash. “Wash my back?” he asked, then turned around as Jared obliged.

“Do you want to do more?” he asked after a minute of silence.

“More what?”

“More than kissing.”

He heard Jared suck in a breath and the loofah stopped moving across his back. Then, “Yes,” Jared said so quietly that Jensen almost didn’t hear it. “Jen, did you think I didn’t want to?”

“Honestly? I wasn’t sure, Jay.”

“Because of what happened to me or what happened to you?” Jared asked, voice small. Jensen spun around, wobbling slightly before Jared steadied him.

“Both, I guess,” Jensen admitted. “I know I needed time, at the beginning. But then things continued to _not_ happen, and I thought maybe you weren’t ready. I didn’t want to push. I _don’t_ want to push. But I do want more of you, if that’s okay. I want _all_ of you.”

“God, Jen, yes! Of course I want that! I have since before we even got together.”

“So why did you wait so long?”

“I’m sorry, you’re asking the guy who has basically no experience why he didn’t try to take things farther with his brand new boyfriend who’d almost been raped the day before they got together?” Jared asked sarcastically, smirking and arching an eyebrow.

“Yeah, yeah. Touché.”

“You could’ve talked to me at any point, Jen,” Jared said more softly. “But I guess I could’ve brought it up too, huh?”

“Nah. Just means we’re idiots of equal caliber and we definitely belong together,” Jensen joked. He placed a kiss on Jared’s lips before bending down to pick up the body wash. When he stood back up, he swayed precariously.

“Whoa, steady,” Jared said as his hands gripped Jensen’s shoulders. “Maybe we should get you out of here and back in bed.”

“But only my back is clean,” Jensen pouted. Jared rolled his eyes and took the soap, pouring more onto the loofah and running the suds over Jensen’s chest and arms.

“That’s all you,” Jared said, gesturing towards Jensen’s groin. Jensen took the loofah and cleaned himself quickly before handing it back and lifting a leg, urging Jared to continue. Jared rolled his eyes again but wiped the soap over the front and back of Jensen’s legs.

“Shampoo?” Jensen asked. Jared plucked the bottle up and turned Jensen around. It felt like Jensen was getting a head massage and it nearly put him to sleep.

“Hey! Gotta stay awake for me,” Jared said as he rinsed Jensen’s hair.

“What ‘bout you?” Jensen slurred.

“I’m fine. C’mon, time to get out,” Jared said, leading Jensen out of the stall and onto the bathmat.

Jensen felt a soft towel being rubbed over his skin. Jared urged him to walk, his feet hitting cool tile for a few steps and then carpet for a few more. Then, his feet were touching nothing and Jensen was on his stomach on the bed.

“I can’t sleep naked,” Jensen whispered, “My momma’s downstairs!”

“I locked the door,” Jared whispered back, then handed Jensen some pills and a water bottle.

“Nuh uh, no way,” Jensen said.

“Please, Jen. You really don’t sound good. And none of these will make you drowsy, so you can just take a short nap and then we’ll go down to eat, okay? Your mom said she’s making you soup.

“Don’ like soup,” Jensen said, scrunching his nose. Although…he could maybe go for tomato. Or chicken noodle. Damn cold, making him want to drink his food instead of chew it like a normal person.

“I know. But you’re sick and that’s different, isn’t it?” Jared knew him too well. Jensen shrugged and swallowed the meds and a few gulps of water.

“Read to me?” he asked, snuggling down into the blankets and closing his eyes.

“You don’t even know what I’m reading.”

“Mm, don’ care. Just wanna hear your voice.”

“Sure, Jen,” Jared whispered, finger-combing through Jensen’s wet hair. Jensen heard pages being turned before Jared spoke, quiet and deep, putting him to sleep almost immediately.


	17. Wet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Large hands wrapped around his waist and lips met his in a wet kiss. Startled out of his daze, Jensen’s eyes shot open and he instinctually tried to jerk away. The strong hands held him close, though, and his shock was replaced by an instantaneous surge of lust so strong it almost knocked him over when he saw— _felt_ —a wet and naked Jared pressed up against him, eating at his mouth like it was sustenance and Jared was a starving man. And suddenly, Jensen needed to taste _more_.

Maybe it was the fact that Jared was there to take care of him, or maybe it was because he got to sleep for two days straight instead of trying to work, but by the time Jensen left for the airport with Jared he was almost completely over his cold. Which was lucky, because they still had twenty-four hours left to their weekend, and Jensen had _plans_.

Jared, with his infinite charm and mile-wide smile, managed to sweet-talk the person in the seat next to Jensen into switching places with him. Jensen was grateful not to have to spend the next six hours sitting by a chatty stranger, and when Jared took the blanket offered by the flight attendant and threw it over both of them before Jensen felt a hand slide up his thigh, well…he decided that it was going to be the best flight he’d ever had.

It was late when they got back to Vancouver, too late for Jared to pick up his dogs from the outrageously expensive doggy spa. Jensen loved the mongrels but relished the peace and quiet without them, too.

Jensen had only been in Texas for four days, but it seemed that during that time someone up in Canada had decided to switch the national thermostat from ‘pleasantly autumn’ to ‘firmly winter’.

“Holy shit,” Jensen cursed as he stepped through the airport doors and out to the waiting line of taxis. He threw the hood of his sweatshirt up and hid his hands in the sleeves. Even Jared, the human furnace, wasn’t unaffected by the sudden change in temperature.

“Wowza,” he said, teeth chattering slightly.

He didn’t have a jacket or even a sweatshirt with him and was walking around in just jeans and a short sleeve tee. (It had still been comfortably warm in Dallas, reaching the high 70s every day they’d been there.) Jensen felt a twinge of sympathy and was about to offer Jared his own hoodie when Jared grabbed him by the hand and pulled, making a beeline towards the idling cabs before Jensen could say anything. As they neared one, they got a nod from the driver who popped the trunk. They threw their small bags in before climbing into the back seat. The heater was turned up high, offering a welcome respite from the surprise cold outside.

“Where to?” the driver asked, and Jared offered his address before leaning back and closing his eyes.

Jensen let him rest; he pulled out a small notebook and pencil that he always kept handy to jot down notes and reminders. He used the thirty-minute ride from the airport to Jared’s apartment to get the basics of his plan for the next day down.

First, he’d surprised his boyfriend with brunch (that would probably need to be delivered; Jensen was almost positive the only food he’d find in Jared’s kitchen would be pizza rolls, frozen burritos, a few beers, some stale bread, and a dwindling candy stash). Then they’d go to pick up Harley and Sadie. Jensen thought it would be nice for all four of them to go on a long walk, but if it was as cold out tomorrow as it was right now then he might have to rethink that one. Jared would probably want to run lines as some point in the afternoon, so they’d spend some time doing that. Then Jensen would take him to Gotham Steakhouse for an early dinner. If they got there at 6, that would give them four hours to have a leisurely dinner and…potentially do something _else_ before they had to leave for set.

Jensen had a feeling his plans for tomorrow wouldn’t work out (because that seemed to be his luck), but he crossed his fingers and hoped nonetheless.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Jen, hey. Wake up.” Jensen felt his legs being shaken before a large body covered his. “Jensen, wake up,” Jared sing-songed quietly in his ear. He grunted and cracked one eye open.

“Times’it?” he slurred tiredly.

“Just after six,” Jared replied, brushing a finger down Jensen’s cheek.

“In the evening?!” Jensen asked, panicked that he’d slept almost twenty-four hours.

“No, silly. 6am. And…c’mon, look outside!” Jared lifted himself off Jensen and off the bed, grabbing Jensen’s arm and pulling him up until he could see out the window.

It was still mostly dark out, the first rays of sun barely breaching the horizon and turning everything a cold, steel gray. The sky was thick with clouds that were currently releasing fat, white snowflakes.

“It’s snowing?” Jensen groaned, flopping back onto the bed.

“Yeah,” Jared breathed, eyes full of wonder.

“Jay, I _know_ you’ve seen snow before.”

“Yeah, but…I’ve never actually _lived_ somewhere cold enough to snow. Can we go outside?” Jared asked, turning to Jensen excitedly. Jensen groaned again.

“Jared, the sun’s not even up. Look, at the rate it’s coming down, it’ll still be snowing in a few hours. So…come back to bed?” He lifted his arm up in invitation and Jared went quickly, burrowing down into the blankets and resting his head on Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen wrapped his arm around Jared and closed his eyes, realizing that he was going to have to majorly overhaul his plans for the day.

After a few quiet minutes, Jared became restless. Jensen was about to ask if something was wrong when his boyfriend began nosing at his neck, breath hot and damp and sending shivers down Jensen’s spine. A tentative tongue reached out, traced his artery before he felt a sharp nip of teeth.

It seemed Jared didn’t plan on going back to sleep anytime soon.

There was a second bite, harder this time, and something snapped in Jensen. It was like a dam had burst and all his wants and needs and desires came rushing out in a flash flood, overwhelming and undeniable. He cursed, flipping them over so that Jared was on his back and Jensen was hovering above him. He began attacking Jared’s mouth. The kiss was sloppy and insistent and Jared opened for him, let him in immediately. It was Jensen’s first real taste of his boyfriend and he didn’t think he’d ever be able to get enough.

“Jen,” Jared moaned, voice wrecked. The fog in Jensen lifted slightly and he recoiled.

“Sorry. Shit, sorry,” he panted, pushing himself fully off of Jared. Jared grabbed him, held him there.

“No. Don’t move. I…I want to.” Jensen froze, completely stunned.

“You—you sure?” he croaked, trying to keep his voice steady and free of the desperate ache of yearning that was flooding his veins.

“ _God_ yeah,” Jared groaned, sounding like pure sex. “Been waiting so long, Jen. Want you _now_.” And Jensen sure as hell wasn’t going to argue with that.

Jared was already writhing underneath him so beautifully; a blush was creeping up from behind the hems of his shirt and peeking out from between his sweat-damp locks. Part of Jensen wanted to go fast and a little rough, manhandle him just a little because he knew Jared would like it, would love that only _Jensen_ had the size and strength to do it. But Jensen had to remind himself that it was their first time together, and even more importantly, it was Jared’s first time _ever_. So he slowed his movements just a little.

His kisses remained deep and heated but they were no longer frantic. He took his time with their pajamas; Jared looked ready to burst before Jensen’s mouth had even moved lower than his neck. He was still on top of Jared but when Jared’s legs fell open into an inviting vee, Jensen paused. He had an idea.

He rolled them over again, landing on his back with Jared’s weight crushing his chest.

“I want you to, Jay,” Jensen said. Jared stared at him for a minute before he understood.

“B-but, Jen, I’ve…I’ve never, um. I don’t really know what I’m doing,” Jared sputtered. Jensen shrugged.

“I’ve never done it this way either,” he admitted shyly. “Just thought we could both experience a first together, y’know?” Jared smiled, leaned down for a kiss.

“That’s really sweet, babe. You know it’s gonna be a disaster though, right?” he chuckled.

“It’ll be fine,” Jensen insisted. “It’ll be fucking _amazing_.” Jared looked at him skeptically, shaking his head as he retrieved lube and a condom from the bottom drawer in the nightstand. When the condom fell next to Jensen, he swiped it off onto the floor.

“I don’t wanna use that. If it’s okay with you?”

“You sure?” Jared asked. Jensen nodded.

“I’ve always used them and I want it to be different with you.”

“Okay, Jen,” Jared said quietly, blushing an even deeper pink. He popped the cap off the lube and poured some onto his fingers before reaching down between Jensen’s spread legs.

“Um…” he faltered, and Jensen reached forward, guiding his hand encouragingly.

Jared’s first finger breached him immediately, pushing forward to the first knuckle. Jensen flinched and bit back a curse.

“Shit, sorry! I don’t…”

“It’s okay. Just…usually you don’t, um, just push right in all the way,” Jensen explained.

“Jen, you _sure_ we shouldn’t switch, at least for the first time?”

“No, Jay. I mean, if _you_ want to then of course we can. But I’m okay, okay?” Jensen assured. Jared nodded slowly. “Okay, do you want to keep going?” Jared shrugged then nodded again. “K, so just, um, you have to work me open. _Slowly_ ,” Jensen added quickly. Jared bit his lip and blushed, mouthed an apology. He began moving his finger slowly in and out of Jensen.

It was an odd, uncomfortable feeling. Jensen tried to focus on something else, but…well, there wasn’t much to focus on besides the finger in his ass, persistent unrelenting and demanding his full attention. He felt suddenly self-conscious and tried not to let his body tense up. He knew he failed when Jared paused his movements.

“Jen? You okay? I’m not hurting you, am I?”

“No. It’s just weird. Uh, you can add another now.”

“Okay,” Jared whispered. This time was slower than the first, but also more painful and Jensen couldn’t hold back a curse.

“Shit,” he hissed, causing Jared to pause _again_. “No, it’s fine. Keep going,” he said with gritted teeth.

“ _Jen_ ,” Jared protested.

“I’m okay,” Jensen insisted.

“You’re not even hard anymore!” Jared exclaimed, pulling his fingers out slowly. He sat back, shoulders hunched over. “I feel like I’m hurting you. Like I’m doing something you don’t want,” he admitted quietly.

“Jared…that’s not—you know that’s not true!”

“All I can think about is that night at the bar,” Jared choked out, “how you looked. Your expression. I feel like I’m—”

“Don’t you dare say that!” Jensen warned. He sat up and shuffled on his knees towards his boyfriend, pulling him into a hug. “Please, don’t ever even _think_ that. This is _not_ the same. I want to do this with you, okay? But maybe you were right, maybe for the first time it wasn’t the best idea.”

“It was a really sweet idea,” Jared said quietly. “Thank you for that. For…caring. For thinking of me first.”

“Always, babe,” Jensen whispered.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They sat curled around each other on the foot of the bed until the sun creeped higher and Jensen could feel his right leg start to fall asleep.

“Wanna go get the dogs?” he asked after a while. “I bet they’d love this snow.” Jensen felt Jared’s mouth stretch into a grin against his bare shoulder.

“Trying to cheer me up, Ackles?”

“Nope. Because there’s no cheering up required. Right?” Jensen pulled back just a little, tipped Jared’s chin up with one finger so he could look into his boyfriend’s swirling hazel eyes. “They’re really blue today,” he murmured. Jared blinked away shyly.

“That happens sometimes,” he whispered.

“I like it,” Jensen replied, voice quiet like they were sharing secrets in the hallway of a high school.

“I like _you_ ,” Jared said.

“I _love_ you,” Jensen returned.

“Sap,” Jared teased, sliding off the bed and heading to the dresser to pull out some clothes. He disappeared into the bathroom, but right after the door closed it opened again and Jared stuck his head out. “I love you, too.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen was right: Sadie and Harley went absolutely crazy in the snow.

After picking up the dogs and letting them run around an empty park for an hour, Jared and Jensen drove home. Jared’s cheeks were pink from the cold and the tips of Jensen’s hair were frozen, and both of them were sopping wet, thanks to the dogs deciding it was a good time to try out their skills at canine WWE.

They headed up to Jared’s apartment where the dogs ate quickly before collapsing on their fluffy beds in the living room. Jensen headed to the bathroom, intent on warming up his stiff fingers with a hot shower.

He stepped into the steamy shower, closing his eyes and letting his mind drift as the water streamed down. He didn’t notice when the bathroom door opened a minute later, or when the shower curtain was silently pulled back.

Large hands wrapped around his waist and lips met his in a wet kiss. Startled out of his daze, Jensen’s eyes shot open and he instinctually tried to jerk away. The strong hands held him close, though, and his shock was replaced by an instantaneous surge of lust so strong it almost knocked him over when he saw— _felt_ —a wet and naked Jared pressed up against him, eating at his mouth like it was sustenance and Jared was a starving man. And suddenly, Jensen needed to taste _more_.

He worked his mouth over Jared’s jaw and down his neck, leaving a line of light hickeys that would probably, frustratingly, disappear by the next day. Once Jared was moaning nice and loud, Jensen pulled back abruptly, meeting his boyfriends confused gaze with an evil smirk before dropping to his knees.

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” Jared groaned, realizing what was happening.

Jensen kneeled, studying the massive cock in front of him. And yes, it was massive. Long—longer than Jensen’s own, he was pretty sure, though not quite as thick. That didn’t mean the girth wasn’t impressively above average, and Jensen was secretly grateful that he hadn’t tried to force it into his virgin hole earlier that morning. He might have to buy that dildo after all, if only to…practice.

After Jensen had his fill of looking (for now), he got to tasting. He teased the head with the tip of his tongue before licking a wide stripe up the entire shaft. He heard Jared curse as his head banged back against the tile, and Jensen wasted no more time. He wrapped his mouth around the shaft and bobbed down, shallowly at first, just to test.

Jensen only made it halfway down before he felt the tip of Jared’s cock nudging the back of his throat. And holy shit, how was he ever supposed to take all of that? Jensen wasn’t experienced enough to be able to deep-throat, especially _that_ many inches.

Jared didn’t seem to mind in the least, though, if his increasingly unintelligible panting was any indication. So Jensen just gripped the lower half of the shaft with his left hand while his mouth worked the upper portion. His right hand fondled Jared’s balls, alternating rolling them and tugging them gently. Deciding to take a risk, Jensen’s fingers reached back farther, rubbing over the skin behind Jared’s balls before reaching his hole. As Jensen brushed over the puckered skin, he heard Jared gasp then let out the loudest moan so far.

“God, yes, Jen, do it,” he panted as Jensen’s finger rubbed lightly at the opening. At Jared’s begging, Jensen pushed in slowly, just the tip of his finger before bringing it out and pushing it back in again.

“Oh…my…god,” Jared whined. His whole body was shaking in pleasure so Jensen pushed his finger in a little deeper. “Oh god oh god oh god.” Jensen thrust his finger in and out, matching the rhythm of his mouth on Jared’s cock. Jared’s hips pistoned back and forth erratically, unable to choose between Jensen’s mouth and his finger.

“Jen…close…” Jared gasped.

Jensen’s finger inside Jared was searching restlessly, trying to find that perfect spot before Jared came. He felt it, finally, Jared’s prostrate. Knew he found it because just then Jared froze, mouth open in a silent scream as his whole body tensed before rope after rope of come filled Jensen’s eagerly waiting mouth.

And fuck, that had to be the hottest thing Jensen had ever seen, watching Jared come apart like that, wholly and completely for the very first time, and it was all Jensen’s doing. Jensen’s left hand was gripping Jared’s still-hard cock and he let go, reaching down to his own. He was so hard it was almost painful, and as he brushed his fingers over it Jared hands fisted in Jensen’s hair, pulling sharply.

“Jen,” Jared sighed.

The sensations and the sound of Jared moaning his name were too much for Jensen, and he came with a surprised shout.

“Oh god…oh _, god_ ,” he cried out when Jared sank down to the shower floor beside him and wrapped his lips around the head of Jensen’s pulsing shaft. His mouth was hot and wet and Jensen felt his orgasm swell, releasing a second wave of pleasure as his dick continued to shoot into Jared’s mouth.

Jensen fell like he’d been wrung completely dry when Jared finally pulled off of him with a pop. He was ready for a nap (and maybe some cuddling) when he felt Jared climb on top of him, straddling his hips.

He began rutting against him, and Jensen impossibly felt his cock start to grow again, slower this time but no less interested. Jared grabbed Jensen’s hand, maneuvered it around behind him, pressing two of Jensen’s fingers against his hole.

“Jay, oh my god,” Jensen groaned as he sunk in surprisingly easily. The angle wasn’t the best but Jared was whining and panting, hips moving erratically against Jensen’s own, and Jensen realized the angle was still good enough for him to be able to brush over Jared’s prostrate.

Jared reached down, wrapped a large hand around both of their hard cocks and began stroking, fast and slippery from the water that was still pounding down on both of them.

“Jared,” Jensen whimpered as Jared’s hand tightened around him—them—and he felt his balls draw up close to his body, moments from a second orgasm sure to be as equally explosive as the last one. But he wanted Jared to come first. “Jay…come for me,” he whispered, infusing a bit of authority into his wrecked voice.

And it did the trick. Jared’s whole body except for this hand froze, back arching and muscles drawing taut as he shot his release all over Jensen’s stomach and chest. Witnessing that glorious sight, Jensen couldn’t hold back any longer and he came immediately after, adding his own come to the mess of Jared’s on his torso.

Jensen felt like he’d been doused in flames, his muscles equally tense and relaxed from the orgasm, his whole body pulsing with wave after wave of bliss. He closed his eyes as Jared let his full weight rest against him. Realizing his fingers were still in Jared, he pulled out slowly while his other hand floated up and took up residence in Jared’s hair.

“You okay?” Jensen asked after a few minutes of easy silence. Jared nodded his head against Jensen before pressing a kiss to his neck.

“Fantastic,” he whispered, sounding fully fucked-out. His speech was slow and slurred from ecstasy-overload, and Jensen knew the feeling. His own limbs felt heavy and clumsy from their shared pleasure, and he would lay there in the shower, Jared warm and heavy on top of him, forever if he could.

But Jensen could feel the water going cool. Their mixed come squished into a mess between their bellies was starting to feel sticky and uncomfortable, and he could hear the beginnings Jared’s epic stomach rumblings that would only get louder the longer he denied his body food.

“So…want to use the shower for actual cleaning activities now?” Jensen asked after a few minutes.

“Probably not a bad idea,” Jared replied, sighing contently before he slid off Jensen and stood slowly, steadying himself with a hand against the wall. Jensen followed him up, using Jared’s shoulders to keep him from tipping over once he was on his feet.

“You might have to wash me,” Jensen said, only half-joking. His mind felt fuzzy and his body uncoordinated and off-balance. A moment later he felt a soapy loofah against his skin, reminiscent of a few days before in Texas. He closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling.

“Don’t tell me you’re gonna fall back asleep,” Jared said.

“Well, you _did_ wake me up at six in the freaking morning,” Jensen pointed out.

“Touché. How about you get out, go back to bed. I’ll finish up in here then order us some food. Sound good?”

“Mm,” Jensen hummed agreeable. “I made dinner plans for us at six, just so you know.”

“It’s barely noon, Jen. Wow, you’re out of it. Look, you’re all clean now so go on back to bed, k?”

Jensen nodded, finally forcing his eyes open so he wouldn’t trip getting out. He grabbed a clean towel from the cabinet and dried off haphazardly, stumbling back to the bedroom and falling into bed, still slightly damp. He was snoring before his head reached the pillow.


	18. Research

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Jay!” Jensen hissed, trying to push his boyfriend off. His shoves were half-hearted and only got weaker as Jared peeled his boxers down to meet his jeans, then pulled them both completely off. “Jared!” Jensen gritted out again in warning. They were on set, for fuck’s sake! And even though it was lunch break, he didn’t know how much time they had left. Anybody could come by for something at any minute. _Plus_ he didn’t even know if the damn door was locked!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little Saturday surprise for you ❤

“Hey…Jen?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“I wanna ask you something but don’t, like, freak out, okay?”

“Why would I freak out?”

“It’s about my family.”

Jensen stopped plucking his guitar and glanced over at Jared. They were sitting on the couch in Jared’s trailer after finishing lunch. Jared had silently been playing his PSP for the last thirty minutes, and Jensen should have known right then that something was up. Jared was never quiet for that long, not even in his _sleep_ (which Jensen found both hilarious and adorable).

“What about your family?” Jensen asked, studying Jared for any signs of sadness or distress. “Are they okay? Nothing happened, did it?”

“No, no, they’re fine. Um…it’s just…”

“Jay, just spit it out.”

“They’re coming up for Thanksgiving since we don’t have a long enough break from filming to go home and I want you to meet them,” Jared said in a rush.

“Why would I freak out about that?” Jensen asked, setting his guitar aside and pulling his boyfriend towards him. Jared put his game on the coffee table and curled up around Jensen, his next words coming out muffled as he buried his face against Jensen’s neck.

“Because meeting the parents can be nervewracking, I guess, and you’re not the most outgoing person. Which I _love_ , don’t get me wrong. But I just figured you’d kinda dread this sort of thing.”

Jensen carded his fingers through Jared’s hair, trying to think of how to respond. In all honesty, he wasn’t even remotely nervous about meeting Jared’s parents. The truth was, he’d kind of already met them. Well, not in person, but he’d talked with them on the phone. Multiple times. And apparently he’d forgotten to mention this to his boyfriend.

He hadn’t not told Jared on purpose, it just kept slipping Jensen’s mind. He’d only spoken with Sherri three times and Gerry once, and the calls hadn’t lasted too terribly long. Jensen certainly intended on telling Jared, but then he just…kept forgetting. He knew it was a lame excuse, but it was the truth.

“Jen?” Jared sounded concerned from Jensen’s lack of response. “I promise they’ll love you! And you don’t have to spend the entire weekend around them if you feel too uncomfortable, just Thanksgiving dinner. I just…they’re my parents, y’know? They’re a huge part of my life and I…it’s important to me that you like them. That you don’t mind spending time with them.” Jared sounded almost heartbroken, like Jensen was rejecting Jared’s family by not accepting his invitation when that was _so_ not what was happening here.

“Of course I want to meet them, Jay,” Jensen said. “And I already know I’ll love them.”

“Thanks, Jen,” Jared sighed with relief. “I promise you really will, they’re great people.”

“No, Jared, I mean I _already know_ I’ll love them. Um…so…I’ve kinda already talked to them before…” Jared pulled back, staring at Jensen questioningly.

“I’m sorry, what?” Jensen cringed, thinking he’d made his boyfriend angry. “No, I’m not mad, Jensen,” Jared said with an eyeroll, “but I am insanely confused. So spill.”

Jensen let out an uneasy breath, willing his nerves to calm down. It was an accidental secret, and there was nothing bad about it. There was no reason for him to be fearful of Jared’s reaction, and if Jared did end up getting angry, it wouldn’t last long, Jensen reminded himself.

“A few weeks ago, like a couple days after we got back from Richardson, you were out walking the dogs.” Jared nodded at Jensen’s pause. “You forgot your phone at home and I didn’t know that you had. Anyways, it rang and I wasn’t really paying attention because I was going over the script. So I picked it up, assuming it was mine.”

“Jen, we don’t even have the same phone,” Jared pointed out.

“I know! Like I said, I heard it vibrate and automatically thought it was mine because you weren’t even home. And I was really engrossed in the script, it honestly just didn’t register that it wasn’t mine. They’re both flip phones, and that was similar enough at that moment.

“Besides, Jay, we’ve both answered each other’s phones before. If I did it on purpose, I wouldn’t lie about it. It’s not like I think you have something to hide, and I know you don’t feel the same way about me.”

“I know, Jen. I believe you. And you’re right about the second part, I wouldn’t care either way if you answered my phone. I just don’t understand why you _hid it_ from me.”

“I didn’t. Not on purpose. Let me finish this first, please?” Jared nodded, gesturing for Jensen to continue. “So yeah, I answered and it was your mom. I was really confused for a second until I realized that it was your phone, not mine. I was kinda embarrassed but she was really nice about it, just laughed and said it was fine and that she was glad that she finally got to talk to me directly, instead of just hearing about me from you all the time. Apparently you talk about me a lot?” Jensen asked with a smirk. Jared punched him lightly on the arm.

“Smug bastard,” Jared muttered, but he was smiling. “Okay, so you talked to my momma once.”

“Um, not once? Before we got off the phone she asked for my number in case of emergencies, and she gave me hers. Which, y’know, totally makes sense. But she called me a few times since then as well, and I even talked to your dad one of those times.”

“Okay, first of all, why didn’t you tell me you talked to her that first day? And second, why did she call you again?”

“That first time I just forgot to mention probably because I was so wrapped up in learning my lines and stuff for the new episode. And she called me a few other times to, um, to check up on you. And also…”

“What?”

“Jay, I think they know we’re together,” Jensen said slowly.

“Oh. I…didn’t tell them. Um…how?”

“I dunno. But the way she talked to me, and talked about you to me…it didn’t feel like she was speaking to me as a just a _friend_ of her son’s, you know?” Jared silently chewed on his lip, offering no response. “Jay? You okay?”

“Sure,” he replied with a shrug. He didn’t sound sure.

“Do they know you’re gay?” Jensen asked quietly. Jared shrugged again. “Jay, don’t shut down on me. What’s wrong?”

“What if they figured it out? What if they hate me?” he whispered.

“Jared, look at me,” Jensen said sharply. He needed to break Jared out of this funk immediately. “Baby, your mom has called me _just to chat_. Multiple times. Even your _dad_ talked to me one of those times. And they’re flying all the way up to freaking Canada just to give you a Thanksgiving, _and_ they invited me. If they suspect you’re gay…those aren’t the actions of people who hate you. Not even a little bit. Okay?”

“Yeah. Yes,” Jared agreed, shaking his head clear. “You’re right. And I shouldn’t underestimate my parents like that.”

“No, you shouldn’t. I would know,” Jensen said, causing Jared to snort out a laugh.

“You’re the best,” Jared said as he launched himself at Jensen, knocking him down so he was flat on his back on the couch. “In fact…” Jared grinned, the look pure hunger and sin, and before Jensen knew what was happening, his pants were unbuttoned, unzipped, and pulled down to his knees.

“Jay!” Jensen hissed, trying to push his boyfriend off. His shoves were half-hearted and only got weaker as Jared peeled his boxers down to meet his jeans, then pulled them both completely off. “Jared!” Jensen gritted out again in warning. They were on set, for fuck’s sake! And even though it was lunch break, he didn’t know how much time they had left. Anybody could come by for something at any minute. _Plus_ he didn’t even know if the damn door was locked!

Jared slid back up the length of Jensen’s body, the sight quelling all protests spilling from Jensen’s mouth.

“Not that you’re not a great teacher, Jen,” Jared whispered in his ear, nipping at the lobe in between every few words, “but I thought I should do a little research of my own.”

They’d been messing around a lot in the last few weeks, ever since their first failed attempt at sex. They hadn’t tried that again, but there’d been _a lot_ of hand jobs and blow jobs and even a few fingers, getting more comfortable with each other’s bodies and likes and dislikes.

But…research of his own? Jensen didn’t know what that meant, and his brain was short-circuiting, making him incapable of asking. Not that it mattered, as Jared made it known pretty quickly.

“Trust me?” he asked, and all Jensen could do was nod and give his body over to Jared. He got a quick kiss on the lips before Jared worked his way back down Jensen’s body, moving quickly.

He reached the juncture of Jensen’s groin and thigh, quicks nips of teeth on skin leaving small pink marks. Jensen expected to feel hot breath on his cock, but instead his left leg was lifted up and onto Jared’s shoulder, spreading him open. His noise of surprise quickly devolved into a strangled whimper as Jared kitten-licked around his hole.

“Fuck!” he cried out. “What…the fuck? Jay!” he managed to get out, though it sounded fairly garbled.

“Mmm,” Jared hummed, locked his lips around Jensen’s entrance and sucking.

Jensen almost shot of the couch at the feeling but Jared held him steady. He lifted Jensen’s right leg, guiding it to the back of couch, opening Jensen even more.

“Shit,” Jensen whimpered, feeling utterly exposed.

“So fucking hot, babe,” Jared murmured, causing Jensen to blush.

Then Jared went back to it, his tongue circling Jensen’s hole before pushing against the puckered opening, working its way just barely inside.

“Ohmygodohmygod,” Jensen babbled. He felt himself relaxing and opening more, letting Jared in farther.

Jared’s tongue continued to push in, wet and insistent and _ohsofuckinggood_. Jensen knew he was making noise, hoped he wasn’t being too loud, then stopped caring completely when he felt Jared begin to straight-up fuck him with his tongue.

Disjointed words and nonsense spilled from his mouth, plenty of _fucks_ and _ohmygods_ and _shits_ in between _Jared_ _Jared_ _Jared,_ chanted over and over like a fucking prayer. Because Jared wasn’t lying, he had _definitely_ done some research.

Considering Jared had no true experience with any shared bedroom activities before they got together, he’d been surprisingly confident in bed, especially once they’d decided to take their time and work up to sex. His appetite was insatiable—and Jensen sure as hell wasn’t complaining—but this…this was _completely_ out of left field. Before this, Jensen had pretty much talked Jared through everything they tried(though the kid picked it all up incredibly quickly, and Jensen usually ended up doing more moaning than explaining). But they hadn’t gotten around to this yet. Hell, Jensen hadn’t even _brought it up_ yet, mainly because he’d never done it before. He’d never wanted to do it before, either, but with Jared…Jensen wanted to do _everything_.

“Jay,” Jensen keened when he felt a finger added alongside Jared’s tongue.

He wasn’t going to last much longer, tried to tell Jared that in between filthy moans and whimpers. And then Jared found his prostrate, and oh holy fuck! He felt like a choir of angels was singing, the music thrumming through his veins, burning away his blood and nerve endings and every single brain cell.

Jared’s finger and tongue thrusted brazenly, relentlessly, and when his free hand reached up to grip Jensen’s cock and _pulled_ , Jensen was hurled shamelessly over the edge of his orgasmic cliff, his body visibly vibrating with ecstasy.

As the rush left his body, he felt himself being pulled under.

“Jen?” he heard Jared say, half-worried and half-amused. Jensen smiled, tried to reassure Jared that he was all right though he was pretty sure it just came out as an unintelligible mumble. Then everything when black.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen came back around, blinking in confusion before he realized what had happened. His confusion was replaced by embarrassment (and arousal), and he flushed at the intense memory. He’d actually _passed out_ from sex! Though in his defense, it was really fucking amazing sex. Speaking of which…where the _hell_ had Jared learned that?

He looked around, noticed he’d been cleaned off and redressed in his boxers and jeans. He heard water running in the bathroom and rolled of the couch, landing with a thump on the floor. He eventually managed to pull himself to standing, then walked slowly to the closed bathroom door and knocked lightly.

“Jay?” he called, hearing the water shut off.

“One sec,” Jared replied. The door opened a minute later revealing a surprisingly rumpled Jared.

“You okay?” Jensen asked, taking in his ruffled appearance.

“You kidding? I’m fantastic,” he replied with a grin. “Damn, that was so fucking hot, Jen. Seeing you like that…shit, it made me come in my pants like a freaking teenager.” Jensen’s mouth dropped open in surprise.

“Well you are all sorts of impressive today, Mr. Padalecki,” he joked. “By the way…where the hell did you learn to do that?”

Jared’s tan skin turned pink as he mumbled, “Lots of gay porn.” Jensen cracked up.

“Well, thank god for gay porn!” he said, reaching out for his boyfriend. Jared went immediately, folding himself into the embrace. “Did you think I’d make fun of you? Jared, I’d never. Besides, that was…holy shit. That was the best orgasm I’ve ever had.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, babe. God, if you can do that to me with just your tongue and a finger…fuck, I think sex with you might just kill me.”

“Mm. Death by orgasm, huh? I’ll try to refrain from that.”

“I mean…don’t try too hard,” Jensen said, “not if it feels like _that_.” Jared sighed.

“I’m glad you liked it. I wasn’t sure…we hadn’t really discussed it, so…”

“Jay. I _passed out_ from it. I more than liked it.” Jared chuckled.

“Good.” He pulled back, placing a chaste kiss on Jensen’s temple. “But we have to get back to set. Someone came by while you were out of it. I had to tell them you were in the bathroom.”

“Great,” Jensen muttered. “Let’s go pretend to fight.” Jared snorted then smacked Jensen’s ass when he turned around. And Jensen did NOT let out girly squeak at that. Definitely he did not.

“Keep doing that and I’m gonna reinstate the zero-tolerance sex at work policy that we had,” Jensen grumbled. Jared laughed and rolled his eyes.

“Sure you will, Jen.”


	19. Family, Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’d barely made it out of the parking lot when Megan, who was in the back seat, stuck her head up between Jensen and Jeff and said, firm and serious, “So, Jensen, what _exactly_ are your intentions with my brother?” The only thing that kept a startled Jensen from veering off the road was the fact that he’d had months of practice driving with a hyperactive and easily-distracted Jared sitting in the passenger seat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE read the note at the end of the chapter! (Yes, it's long, but it's important. And definitely leave any feedback you have about my announcement.)
> 
> :)

Jensen didn’t realize he’d been pacing nervously until he almost tripped over Sadie for the third time in five minutes. She’d been following at his heels, tail wagging and a goofy dog grin on her face like Jensen silently freaking out about meeting Jared’s family was funny or something.

And okay, when Jared had brought up Thanksgiving and his parents’ plan to come up, Jensen had said he was cool with it. And he was. But then he found out Megan, Jared’s little sister was coming. Even Jeff, Jared’s older brother, had even managed to get a few days off from where he worked as a surgeon in the hospital to come up with them as well. These new developments were what had Jensen currently wearing a hole in the tile floor of the kitchen.

“Jen, what are you doing?” Jared asked as he stepped into the room, hair still wet from the shower he’d just taken.

“What?”

“You…you’re nervous? I thought you said you’d be okay.”

“Yeah, with meeting your _parents_. But I didn’t know your brother and sister were coming, too.”

“Oh.” Jared frowned, looking a little dejected. “Is…I mean, does that mean you changed your mind?”

“Changed my mind? About what?”

“Spending the weekend with all of us.”

“No, Jay, of course not. I’m just really fucking nervous. I want them to like me!” Jared perked up at hearing that, crossing the room and pulling Jensen into a hug.

“They will. I’m pretty sure Megan has a crush on you so you’ve got that in the bag, and Jeff…well, he looks like a big scary bear but he’s actually a total goof.”

“Yeah, until he finds out we’re together and then he’ll be all, ‘Hurt him and I kill you,’” Jensen grumbled.

“Wait,” Jared said, pulling back in surprise, “you wanna tell them that we’re dating?”

“Well, yeah, Jay. As long as you can promise that Jeff won’t try to murder me.”

“So dramatic, Ackles.” Jared rolled his eyes and grinned, and Jensen couldn’t resist leaning up and catching those smiling lips with his own.

Jared opened easily for him and the kiss quickly heated. Jensen shuffled them forwards until Jared’s back hit the wall and Jensen pressed his body flush against his boyfriend’s. He could feel the long line of Jared’s half-hard dick against his own rapidly growing one. He broke the kiss, panting for air.

“When does their flight get it?” he asked breathlessly, hands roaming restlessly over Jared’s chest and shoulders, then dipping lower.

Jared opened his mouth to answer but let out a wordless moan instead as Jensen’s hand brushed over his bulge. His pupils were blown wide and dark and he grabbed Jensen and started pulling him towards the bedroom when they were interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Son of a bitch,” Jensen whispered as he was released from Jared’s grasp. “I’m sorry, babe. I wouldn’t have started that if I’d realized what time it was.”

“It’s okay, Jen,” Jared chuckled, trying to smooth out his clothes and pat down his hair. “I promise I won’t die from blue balls.” He stopped to survey Jensen’s appearance. “You look a little ruffled, though. Do you wanna take a few minutes and cool down?”

Jensen rubbed at his flushed face. “Nah, if anyone mentions it I’ll just say I’m nervous.” There was another knock, louder and more insistent this time.

“Jared! Stop making out with your boyfriend and let your family in!” a voice shouted through the door.

“Or not,” Jensen muttered as Jared groaned in exasperation.

“Shut up, Jeff!” he called back as he quickly made his way to the door and flung it open. He was immediately enveloped in a bear hug by his older brother who was, unbelievably, even bigger than Jared. Megan quickly joined in, the three of them filling the door frame and blocking their parents. Jensen could see Sherri and Gerry in the hall behind them, beaming brightly. They hadn’t seen Jared since he’d moved up to Vancouver four months earlier.

Jensen stepped forward hesitantly, not wanting to call attention to himself but knowing he’d have to sooner or later. He poked Jared in the ribs, whispering, “Jay, let your parents inside!”

“Oh, right. Sorry!” Jared extricated himself from his siblings and moved to greet his parents, which left Jensen staring dumbly at Jeff and Megan.

“Um, do you need any help with your bags?” he asked quietly.

“We left them in the rental car. It was still too early to check into the hotel,” Jeff explained. “Thanks though. So, you and—”

“ _Ohmygod you’re even hotter in real life_!” Megan squealed, the only warning Jensen got before he found his arms full of the youngest Padalecki.

“Oof,” he huffed as she slammed into him, knocking him slightly breathless. “Um…” he patted her hair awkwardly as she nuzzled against his neck. An instant later Jared was there, pulling Megan off of Jensen and looking a little pissed.

“No touching!” he hissed at his sister, who just laughed and clapped her hands. Jeff raised an eyebrow and smirked.

“Called it,” he said with a snort, then turned towards his parents. “I _told_ you!” he said triumphantly. Sherri tsked and pushed past her oldest to stand in front of Jensen.

“So good to finally see you, sweetie,” she said, then pulled him into a hug. Jensen blinked in surprise but returned the sentiment. Sherri was warm and welcoming and reminded Jensen of his own mom. She pulled back and patted him lovingly on his cheek as Gerry made his way to them.

“Jensen,” he said, smiling and holding out his hand. Jensen reached out and shook it.

“Nice to meet you, sir,” he said.

“Call me Gerry! Just like I told you on the phone.”

“You talked on the phone?” Jeff asked incredulously.

“It’s a long story,” Jared jumped in, pulling Jensen against his chest after he let go of Gerry’s hand.

And damn, Jensen had to will down his cock which had started perking up in interest at all this possessiveness Jared was suddenly showing. It was _hot_.

“Y’all hungry?” Jared asked his family. “Jen and I found a pretty good barbeque place the other day.”

“You’re telling me I left Texas and flew three thousand miles just to eat something I could get at home?” Megan asked with a frown.

“Uh…it’s _barbeque_ ,” Jensen said before he could stop himself, which caused Jeff to burst out in laughter.

“Okay, I like him,” Jeff declared, slapping Jensen good-naturedly on the shoulder. “Sounds great, JT. How about you ride with mom and dad so you can tell them how to get there, and me ‘n Meg will ride with… _Jen_.”

“It’s Jen _sen_ ,” he said automatically, a twenty-year habit of having to correct people. He could have sworn he felt a low growl of approval emanate from Jared.

“Jared just called you Jen,” Megan pointed out.

“Yeah, but he’s my…he’s Jared,” Jensen replied, then turned around to hide his blush. “I’m gonna hit the head before we leave,” he said to Jared before making his way to the bathroom, the sounds of the conversation fading out as he shut the door.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They’d barely made it out of the parking lot when Megan, who was in the back seat, stuck her head up between Jensen and Jeff and said, firm and serious, “So, Jensen, what _exactly_ are your intentions with my brother?” The only thing that kept a startled Jensen from veering off the road was the fact that he’d had months of practice driving with a hyperactive and easily-distracted Jared sitting in the passenger seat.

Honestly, Jensen had expected the third degree from Jeff but not from Megan, though that was his own mistake. Hell, he had a younger sister, he knew _exactly_ how they could get. And Megan already seemed so similar to Mac, Jensen was sure that when the two finally met, they’d be an unstoppable force.

He kept his voice calm and free from any hint of amusement at having a sixteen-year-old girl grilling him about the honorableness of his intentions.

“What do you mean?” he asked lightly, still not sure if Jeff’s earlier crack about them making out had been a joke or not.

“Look,” Megan said in a ‘cut the shit’ tone, “JT talks about you _constantly_. It’s actually really annoying, though I definitely see the appeal. And I wouldn’t have said anything except it’s pretty damn obvious that you like him, too. So what are you gonna do about it?”

Jensen glanced over for a second before focusing back on the road. He knew instinctively that Jeff and Megan were trustworthy and truly cared about Jared, and that Jared was close with them and valued the honesty and openness he had with his family. So Jensen had no interest in trying to lie to them.

“What makes you think I haven’t already done something about it?” he said with a smirk as Megan squealed again, though she thankfully refrained from throwing herself at him this time.

“When and how did that happen?” Jeff asked.

“Couple ‘a months ago. The how…let’s just say, it’s not really a story that’s going to ever get told.” He glanced over again, saw their matching smirks. “ _Not_ for the reasons you’re thinking,” he added firmly.

“What do you mean?” Megan asked quietly, smile fading as she caught the edge of somberness in his voice. Jensen shrugged.

“Something bad almost happened but something really great came out of it,” he replied, his tone making it clear that he wasn’t going to say anything more about it. Jeff nodded curtly in understanding before changing the subject.

“So when are you done filming for the year?”

“As long as everything goes smoothly, we should be done in two weeks. Then we’ll have about a month for break before coming back and finishing out the season.”

“JT mentioned you’re from Texas, too,” Megan said. “You gonna go back there for Christmas?”

“Yeah, I think my mom would have an aneurism if I didn’t.”

“Good. That means you can come visit us, too,” she said smugly. Jensen laughed.

“Sure thing, kid,” he said, “if it’s okay with Jared.”

“Oh, please,” she snorted, shaking her head. “He is, like, _obsessed_ with you. You have no idea! I swear, he’d be happy if he never had to go a day without seeing you. I have no clue how you don’t get sick of him!”

“It’s different with him,” Jensen said quietly, a shy smile playing at his lips. He could see that Jeff was about to respond when they pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant.

“Thanks for driving,” Jeff said instead as he opened the car door, but it sounded like he was thanking Jensen for a lot more than just the ride.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lunch was loud and happy and full of laughs, and nobody mentioned the relationship between Jared and Jensen. Jensen was relieved about that; after all, the restaurant was a public place with plenty of other people there, and he was a little paranoid about the potential to be overheard and accidentally outed. Luckily, the topic never came up.

Lunch ended and they were all stuffed full to bursting. Jared joined Jensen in his car while Gerry drove the rest of the Padaleckis back to the hotel to check in after promising they’d come back by Jared’s in an hour or two.

“If you hurry,” Jared whispered seductively into Jensen’s ear, “I can take care of that hard-on you’ve been sporting all afternoon before they get back.” Jensen accidentally revved the engine as his body shivered in anticipation. “Besides,” Jared added, “I didn’t get any dessert at the restaurant.” Jensen didn’t come in his pants from those words but it was a close call. He did, however, manage to leave very clear tire tracks in the pavement as he peeled out of the parking lot in his feverish haste to get home.

Two minutes into the drive, Jared was skimming his fingers along Jensen’s upper thigh and hip but infuriatingly avoiding the area of Jensen’s body that was begging for attention. Jared had eagerly offered to give Jensen road head but Jensen told him point-blank that explaining to his family why they were both sitting in the hospital after Jensen had run them off the road was something he did not intend to _ever_ have to do. So Jared had settled for merciless teasing, and now Jensen was honestly rethinking (okay, completely regretting) his ‘responsible’ decision.

Jared’s phone rang and his hand disappeared from Jensen’s leg. Jensen was about to complain until he heard who called.

“Hey, mom. What’s up?” Jared said, glancing over at Jensen. Yeah, crashing the car because of Jared’s irresistibility was one thing, but being fondled while his boyfriend was on the phone with a parent? Pass.

“You guys feeling okay?... You sure?... Nah, I understand. That’s fine… Seriously, don’t worry about it, ma!... Yeah, take your time… Actually, Jen’s a pretty decent cook so we can just do a late dinner at my place, if you’re cool with that?... Okay, yeah, just call me when you’re on your way… Bye.” Jared flipped his phone closed.

“I guess they’re a little tired from the early flight and so they’re gonna take a nap at the hotel before they come over.”

“Okay. Did they say what time?”

“Let’s see…it’s one o’clock now and they said at least three hours but I told them not to hurry, so...” Jared shrugged. He turned to look at Jensen fully but whatever he was about to say was cut off when he saw the scheming look on Jensen’s face.

Because Jensen, well…he liked his plans. And he had one plan left that was _vastly_ overdue.

When Jensen had gotten drunk all those months ago and written out the desperate yet hopeful Project Woo Padalecki list, the last two items said simply:

  * _have sex_
  * _spend the rest of our lives together_



That last one would take some time to accomplish, but it was finally time for the other one to be crossed off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all my lovely readers:
> 
> First, I'd like to say thank you SO MUCH for sticking with me and giving me so many wonderful comments (even though I don't always respond to them).
> 
> Second, I've decided to turn this into an extended WIP. That means that I will continue adding chapters regularly, but I don't have any end point in mind. I'm doing this because I have really enjoyed writing this piece but I've started to get anxious to work on something new, more specifically the sequel that was mentioned in WTLB and 4S. However, I was having trouble choosing a stopping point for this fic, and after some serious deliberating (and valuable input from cyncitymojo), I realized...who says I need to end this fic before starting on the sequel?
> 
> This way, I can put the majority of my focus on the sequel while adding chapters to this story when something pops into my head. But I promise that from here on out whenever I add a new chapter to this story I will not leave it as a cliffhanger unless I plan on updating again within a few days. Basically, that will allow you to have some closure at the end of every chapter (which I think it important since I really don't know where or when this will end).
> 
> I like how this fic has a lot of mini-plot lines as opposed to one big one (apart from the Js getting together). I'll continue to do this. Remember, currently in this story the boys are in the middle of filming season 1 and WTLB doesn't take place until the beginning of season 14, so I have A LOT of stuff to work with!
> 
> As for the sequel, I'm EXTREMELY excited to introduce you guys to it. I want to say watch for it in the next few weeks, but I'm betting that the first chapter will be up within the next week!
> 
> (And chapter 20 of this fic will be posted by the end of the weekend.)
> 
> Let me know what you guys think about all of this, if you're interested in continuing to read an extended WIP. Thanks, everyone! Love you all so much!  
> ❤❤❤
> 
> -Anna


	20. Finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was all so surreal to Jensen; Jared was in his bed, chanting his name as he pounded into him, both of them just seconds away from coming. It was something he’d wanted for months, but also so much longer, too.
> 
> The kind of love he had for Jared, something he never expected to experience with anybody, was more mindblowing than the sex. He never wanted to let go, and he knew in that moment that he never would. He knew that he and Jared would be together forever. or he would die trying.

They ended up at Jensen’s place, stumbling through the door as clothes were shed by shaky, anxious hands. The air around them was thrumming with tension and desire, everything moving so quickly that the kisses became sloppy with need and they began bumping into walls while trying to shuffle blindly towards the bedroom.

Halfway down the hall and Jensen came to his senses. Judging by Jared’s almost constant noises of pleasure, he was okay with what was happening, but Jensen needed to hear him _say_ it. So he broke the kiss, offering a few quick conciliatory pecks before closing his eyes and resting his forehead against Jared’s. Taking few deep, calming breaths, he opened his mouth to speak but Jared beat him to it.

“Yes, Jen. I want this.” Jared’s voice held no trace of hesitation or uncertainty. Jensen opened his eyes and eager hazel ones immediately met his gaze. “I want _you_ ,” Jared whispered, spurring Jensen into motion once again. He surged up, meeting Jared’s mouth with his own while his fingers fumbled with the button of Jared’s jeans.

They started moving again, just a few more steps before they made it into the bedroom; a few more after that and Jared tumbled onto the bed, naked and glorious. Jensen wasted no time looking, just followed his boyfriend down until he was splayed over him, mouthing at Jared’s jaw that was covered in a light layer of stubble. The roughness against Jensen’s own skin shot bolts of arousal through his body every time his lips or teeth scraped over it.

He suddenly had the urge to feel Jared’s mouth on him, to submit to Jared’s wicked tongue and roaming hands. He rolled them over so that he was on his back and Jared, like he could read Jensen’s mind, immediately moved down Jensen’s body, leaving a trail of spit and pink marks from teeth that looked perfect next to the freckles scattered on his skin.

Jared didn’t tease or try to work Jensen up more. Jensen felt hot breath on his cock a moment before Jared’s lips wrapped around the head and blessed Jensen with wet, hot relief. He’d been turned on for hours now and knew that it would only take a minute or two of this before he couldn’t hold back any longer, but Jensen didn’t care. He needed the relief if he planned on actually being able to fuck Jared for more than ten seconds. Plus, he had no concerns about being able to get it up again for a second round.

Jared was bobbing his head, getting more and more confident and sinking down deeper each time. Jensen gasped in surprise when Jared’s throat opened up and enveloped Jensen completely, his lips stretched out around the base of Jensen’s cock.

It was too much for Jensen: the way it felt as Jared’s throat fluttered around him, the look of astonishment and triumph and pure lust on Jared’s face; it all rushed over Jensen and sent him tumbling shamelessly over the edge.

“Jay,” he tried to warn, his voice crackling in pleasure. Jared pulled up and sucked at the head of Jensen’s cock just as Jensen pulsed his release into Jared’s mouth. When he finished, Jared slipped off completely and Jensen wasn’t surprised to find himself still half-hard and remarkably clear-headed, not yet lost to the post-orgasmic haze he usually enjoyed.

Jared slid back up his body and kissed him deeply. Jensen could taste himself on Jared, and some animalistic, primal, possessive urge in him howled in approval, like he’d marked Jared as his own.

“Fuck,” he panted, “I wanna eat you out. Can I?” Jared groaned eagerly and Jensen took that as a yes. He flipped them over again and arranged Jared so that he was on his hand and knees, Jensen kneeling right behind him with the perfect view the perfect ass.

He draped himself over Jared’s back, one hand on the mattress to steady himself while his left hand reached up and tangled itself in shaggy brown hair.

“I’m gonna open you up with my tongue,” he whispered hotly in Jared’s ear, felt Jared tense beneath him before a full body shiver rippled through them both. “I want you to come on my tongue, babe. Then I’m gonna open you up some more with my fingers, get you hard again. Then we’re gonna see how much that pretty little hole likes my cock.”

It wasn’t the most romantic thing to say, especially for their first time together, but it made Jared whimper so prettily and Jensen didn’t regret his words. As he moved back down Jared’s body, he kissed softly along the knobs of his spine and mouthed _I love you_ into the endless expanse of skin.

“Love you too, Jen,” Jared said quietly, tenderly, and Jensen pressed his smiling lips into the small of Jared’s back.

Jensen shifted, leaning back to greedily take in the full sight in front of him. He ran his hands up and down Jared’s thighs and hips a few times before gripping his ass cheeks and pulling them apart slightly. Jared’s hole wasn’t just enticing, it was downright undeniable. So Jensen did not deny.

He leaned in and pressed soft kisses to the tender skin, then let his tongue wander around the puckered opening. Jared was already gasping and writhing, pushing his hips back towards Jensen’s touch.

“Easy, babe,” he whispered against Jared’s skin. “I’ll get you there.” Jared whimpered but relaxed a bit, and Jensen resumed his exploration. He thought about what Jared had done to him a week before on set, remembering what felt good and what felt _really_ good.

Jared’s hole was beginning to loosen, so Jensen worked his tongue until it was inside, varying between wiggles and thrusts to open Jared up more.

“More, Jen!” Jared pleaded, and Jensen obliged, pushing his tongue in as far as he could. He thrust in and out quickly, causing Jared to sob with pleasure.

Jensen was torn between adding a finger or not. The thought of Jared coming just from his tongue was unbelievably hot, but he also wanted to get Jared even looser. Temporarily distracted by his thoughts, he almost didn’t notice when Jared began chanting his name and clenching wildly at the sheets. Moments later, his muscles went taut and his back bowed gracefully as he spilled his release onto the sheets below him. Jensen could feel Jared’s hole fluttering, desperate for something hard to squeeze around, and he couldn’t wait to be buried deep inside Jared, feel him clenching around his cock.

Jared collapsed bonelessly and Jensen immediate rolled him over onto his back and away from the wet spot on the mattress.

“You okay?” he asked, leaning over his boyfriend and pushing his sweat-damp hair out of his eyes. Jared smiled lazily up at him, looking sated and content.

“Hell yeah,” he murmured, blinking slowly. For a moment, Jensen thought Jared might fall asleep, but then, “Jen…I think your tongue is magic, I do. But if you don’t get your dick in me right now I’m never gonna speak to you again.” Jensen let out a surprised huff and Jared’s lazy smile turned into a wicked grin. Those devilish lips were too irresistible, so Jensen bent down and licked at Jared’s mouth until he gained entrance.

He could taste his own release still on Jared’s tongue and knew that Jared could probably taste himself on Jensen as well. The thought made Jensen shiver with another rush of arousal, and he reached to the side of the bed, fumbling in the nightstand drawer until he felt the bottle of lube that now had permanent residence there.

“Gotta open you up a little more, first,” Jensen whispered. “Don’t wanna hurt you.” Jared nodded and recaptured Jensen’s lips in another searing kiss as Jensen flipped the cap of the bottle open and poured a generous amount of the liquid on his fingers.

Jensen felt his hands shaking and he tried to remind himself that this part was familiar to them both; he wasn’t sure how many times he’d made Jared come with a finger or two up his ass over the last month, but it was a lot. So why was he so nervous?

He focused on Jared’s tongue plundering his mouth and nails scraping up and down his back, setting his nerve endings on fire. He swirled his fingers around Jared’s hole. It was already wet and loose from his tongue and Jensen was able to slip two fingers in fairly easily.

Jared gasped at the intrusion and Jensen stilled, making sure it was a good gasp. Jared dug his nails into Jensen’s shoulders and squeezed, urging Jensen on.

“Feel okay?” Jensen asked. His cock was painfully hard again but he refused to rush through prepping Jared, not for their first time. He knew it would be painful regardless, and he wanted to make sure to minimize the discomfort as much as possible.

“Feels amazing,” Jared croaked. “More, baby, please!” Jensen obliged, pushing until his fingers were buried deep as he felt around for Jared’s prostate, knowing he’d found it when Jared suddenly keened and arched off the bed.

“Fuck, Jen! More!” Jensen took another minute to fuck Jared with two fingers before adding a third. It was a tight fit but he didn’t need to check this time to make sure Jared’s moan was one of pleasure.

Jensen spent a few more minutes working Jared open, scissoring his fingers and rubbing against Jared’s sweet spot and slowly working them both into a frenzy. Jared was the first to break.

“Jen, I’m ready. Get in me, please! I need you.” Jared was still a little tight but Jensen didn’t argue, just kissed Jared soundly as he pulled his fingers free and slicked up his bare cock.

He arranged Jared’s long legs, one over his shoulder and the other around his waist before lining up with Jared’s entrance. He paused before pushing in.

“I’ll go as slow as you need me to, but it’s probably still going to hurt,” he said, looking up at Jared.

“I know, babe,” Jared said with a smile. “It’ll be okay.”

“I hope it’s better than okay,” Jensen murmured, then pushed the head of his cock against Jared’s opening. It was met with a moment of resistance before the muscles relaxed and he sunk in.

“Shit,” Jared hissed. “That is _so_ much bigger than your fingers!” Jensen chuckled, could hear the joking tone and knew Jared wasn’t in too much pain yet.

“Keep going?” he asked and Jared nodded yes, so Jensen slid in another two inches. He felt Jared’s leg tighten around his waist, trying to hold him in still. “Just tell me when you’re ready,” he whispered, turned his head slightly to kiss the ankle of Jared’s other leg that was resting on his shoulder. He ran his hands lightly up Jared’s thighs and hips and across his chest, as distraction for himself as much as it was for his boyfriend.

Because yes, Jared was _tight_ , and Jensen being half-inside Jared and unable to move was driving him absolutely _mad_. His body was screaming at him but he ignored it, biting his lip raw and digging his fingertips into Jared’s hips until he left bruises. Finally, Jared exhaled slowly and nodded.

“Okay,” he said, and Jensen pushed in a little more, forcing himself to go agonizingly slow. He listened carefully, expecting Jared to stop him again after a few seconds. Instead, he felt his hips meet Jared’s ass as he bottomed out.

“Shit, Jay,” he groaned. “You feel so fucking good! You okay?”

Jared nodded jerkily, which meant he wasn’t. He was in pain, Jensen could see it in his face and his cock that had gone soft. Jensen lowered himself so that his body was blanketing Jared’s. The feel of their skin touching everywhere was reassuring. He kissed Jared, little pecks and nips.

“Hurts,” Jared whispered, and Jensen cringed.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I’ll stay right here until you tell me to move. I promise it’ll get better.” Jared closed his eyes and absently ran his fingers up and down Jensen’s back.

“Will it hurt like this every time?” Jared asked after a minute of silence.

“No,” Jensen promised, “not at all.” He ran his fingers through Jared’s tangled hair and continued to pepper kisses over his face and neck.

“Jen?” Jared said a few minutes later.

“Yeah, babe? You okay?” Jensen looked up from the hickey he was sucking in his boyfriend’s neck and found himself staring into sparkling eyes, pupils blown so wide with lust that barely any hazel was visible.

“Move,” Jared growled, voice low and rough and demanding. Jensen had never heard anything sexier.

He planted his hands on either side of Jared’s head and raised up off his body, starting a rocking motion that quickly became short, sharp thrusts. Jared was hot and slick and still so fucking tight around Jensen’s cock, and Jensen wasn’t sure how long he was going to last.

He pulled out almost completely before slamming back in. Jared keened under him, back arching up off the bed as Jensen nailed his prostrate. Jensen repeated that, slow and hard at first and then fast and hard as Jared begged him for it.

Jensen’s leg muscles were burning and his cock was throbbing, aching for relief. He balanced himself on his left hand and reached for Jared’s cock with his right. It was hard again and releasing a steady trickle of precome. As he wrapped his hand around it, Jared gasped.

“Yes!” he sobbed, and Jensen began jacking him off in time with his thrusts. “Jen Jen Jen,” Jared chanted breathlessly.

It was all so surreal to Jensen; Jared was in his bed, chanting his name as he pounded into him, both of them just seconds away from coming. It was something he’d wanted for months, but also so much longer, too.

The kind of love he had for Jared, something he never expected to experience with anybody, was more mindblowing than the sex. He never wanted to let go, and he knew in that moment that he never would. He knew that he and Jared would be together forever. or he would die trying.

“I love you, Jay. I love you so goddamn much,” he whispered. Jared was nearly lost to ecstasy and Jensen didn’t know if he understood was he just said, but it didn’t matter. Jensen could tell him again, every minute of every day for as long as Jared would have him.

“Gonna…come…” Jared whimpered. Jensen increased his pace and a few seconds later, Jared cried out as he spilled out over Jensen’s fist and between their bodies. Jensen fucked him through it, never losing his rhythm even though he was about to lose himself.

And suddenly it was like there was a death grip around Jensen’s cock as Jared’s hole constricted, squeezing pulses that sent Jensen over the edge of oblivion. He could feel his own release filling Jared up, something he’d never experienced with anyone before. Jared’s hole was still fluttering around him, drawing out his orgasm and milking his cock dry.

His thrusts became slow hip rolls before he stopped moving completely, but he didn’t pull of out Jared. Jared had a death grip on Jensen’s biceps and was whimpering softly.

“Shhh,” he hummed quietly, lowering himself to once again rest his weight on Jared. “Shhh, baby. I’m here.” Jared’s eyes were closed and Jensen wasn’t sure if the whimpering was good or bad, so he rolled them to the side and wrapped Jared up in his arms, rocking him gently.

“Don’t ever leave me, Jen.” It was barely a whisper and Jared sounded almost broken. Jensen knew sex—especially for the first time—could lead to heightened emotions, but this was different. He didn’t know what was wrong or where this was coming from, but now was not the time for questions. The only thing Jared needed right now was reassurance.

“Jay, I love you like I’ve never loved anyone. I’m not going anywhere, okay? _Never_ ,” Jensen said, and he meant every word.

“I love you, too,” Jared replied quietly, and Jensen knew.

This was _it_ for him.

They gripped each other tighter and slowly drifted off to sleep.


	21. Pillow Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm in France right now (I've been here for almost two weeks) and I was expecting to get a lot of writing done while here. Instead, it completely screwed up my flow and I haven't been able to write even one stupid sentence until today. Which is why you haven't seen the sequel that I promised, or even an update for this fic. I'm really sorry about that. I'm really frustrated, and I'm hoping that today is a turning point. I know this chapter isn't very long but I wrote it all in one go, which is a good sign that maybe my writer's block is finally waning. Please don't give up on me! It will all be here, sooner or later.

“Wake up, sleepyhead.”

“Mmm. Nuh uh.”

“We gotta head to work soon.”

“You can go. I’ll stay.”

“Ah. You gonna be my trophy husband?”

“Sounds like a good plan to me.”

“I think you’re too hot to be a trophy husband, Jay.”

“How exactly does that make sense?”

“Fine. You’re too smart and talented and not nearly blonde enough.”

“You flatter me.”

“I’m trying to bribe you to wake up.”

“I am awake.”

“Your eyes are still closed.”

“Are they really?”

“Wow. Just wow.”

“At least I’m not grumpy like _someone_ I know.”

“I’m not grumpy!”

“Not this time.”

“Hmph.”

“Coffee?”

“Here.”

“Ahh. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Actually, I was talking to the coffee.”

“You suck.”

“Mm, apparently quite well.”

“…”

“Jen?”

“Well, you’re not wrong. But I can’t believe you told the goddamn coffee that you love it but not me.”

“You know I love you.”

“Mhmm. Sure.”

“Jen!”

“Ah, and we finally have your eyes open.”

“You were playing me?”

“I meant every single word.”

“Then why are you laughing?”

“…”

“Jensen Ross. You are incorrigible.”

“You love it.”

“Maybe.”

“You love me.”

“Definitely.”

“Good.”

“…”

“Because if you didn’t, my undying love for you would be a little awkward.”

“ _Undying_ love, huh?”

“Yep. Undying. Everlasting. Infinite. Eternal.”

“Did you swallow a thesaurus?”

“Hey, I’m trying to be all romantic and shit, here!”

“Sorry. Yes, very romantic. And shit.”

“…”

“…”

“It’s true, though, Jay. I love you, so goddamn much.”

“Me too, Jen.”

“And I…”

“What?”

“Nevermind.”

“Jen. Tell me.”

“Okay… Is it too much to say that I’m never gonna let you go? Let this go?”

“Only if it’s too much for me to say that I never want to be with anyone else.”

“You have no idea how happy that makes me.”

“I might have _some_ idea. So, was that like a proposal?”

“How about…a promise?”

“Whew, good. Because I fully expect the down-on-one-knee, huge-diamond-ring, shown-on-the-jumbotron-in-the-middle-of-a-baseball-game proposal.”

“The whole clichéd shebang, huh?”

“I’m a trophy husband, I can afford to be high-maintenance.”

“You’re such a goof.”

“I know. But Jen?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“If that _had_ been a proposal…you know I would’ve said yes.”

“I’ll remember that.”

“Great. I bet that you _do_ actually end up asking me to marry you while we’re still in bed after having sex. And with no ring.”

“Beggars can’t be choosers.”

“You jerk!”

“Ha, sorry, Jay. You’re gonna have to get out of bed to catch me.”

“Nah, I’m good here. I like the view. Give a little twirl, yeah?”

“Jared!”


	22. Plans and Planes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen huffed in annoyance. Not at Jared, no; his boyfriend was the absolute best. He was annoyed that they basically had to filter their sex life just so he wouldn’t…what? Have a panic attack? Hurt Jared worse than he already did?
> 
> He was stewing over this, silently cursing the world for this little scrap of crappiness when something occurred to him. He wasn’t the only person in this relationship who’d experienced sexual assault.

It was just two days before they broke for the end of the year that Kripke got the news that the WB wanted a full, twenty-two-episode season of Supernatural. When Eric made the announcement, everyone cheered—they officially had jobs for at least five more months—and Jensen felt like he could suddenly breathe easier, like a weight he’d been unaware had been lifted off his chest.

He’d always carried the mentality of _I can always find another job_ , but this time was different because he knew he’d never be able to find another job _with Jared_. He knew deep in his bones that their relationship was strong enough to survive the show being cancelled, but that didn’t mean Jensen wanted to experience that scenario anytime soon. Besides, he _liked_ playing Dean. He _liked_ driving the Impala almost every day. He _liked_ finally being a lead. And he _really_ liked acting alongside Jared. It was the best show and the best set he’d worked on by far, and he secretly hoped that they could somehow make it past the five years that Eric had originally planned.

“So we’ve got a little over six weeks of break, so how do you wanna do this?” Jared asked during their last night in Vancouver.

They’d decided not to immediately rush back to Texas the day that filming wrapped, instead enjoying a leisurely evening at Morton’s Steakhouse and sleeping in late the next morning. It was a Thursday and it was freezing, being a week into December, but Jared had begged to take the dogs to the park that afternoon so they did. And they’d lasted all of twenty minutes there before Jensen declared he couldn’t lose any fingers or toes to frostbite because he kind of needed them for his job. Jared had tried to argue but his teeth were chattering so violently that he could barely get any words out.

They stayed in that night, put on a movie while Jensen threw together some stir fry in Jared’s new wok while Jared wandered around the kitchen eating sour gummy worms and drinking beer. Jensen didn’t even bother to ask how bad those two things tasted together.

“How do I wanna do what?” Jensen asked, checking to see if the chicken Jared had chopped up earlier (without slicing a finger, miraculously) was close to done.

“Jen.” Jensen paused, looked up from his chef duties to see Jared standing wide-legged and arms crossed, a pout on his face. “You think just because it’s the holidays that I’m not gonna wanna see you for _six weeks_?”

“What? Of course not, Jay!” Jared’s pout instantly morphed into a grin and Jensen rolled his eyes at his boyfriend’s dramatics. He turned back to the stovetop and dumped the veggies in with the chicken and sauce. (The sauce was store-bought but looked delicious. Jensen might have been a better cook than Jared, but that didn’t mean he was able to make stir-fry sauce from scratch and have it be edible.)

“Okay. So I repeat, how do you wanna do this?”

“Oh. Well, I should probably hang out with my parents for at least a few days. Then I could drive down to San Antonio?”

“Sounds good. Did you want to stay for Christmas?”

“My mom would kill me if I did that, Jay. Sorry.” Jensen felt a light peck on his cheek and looked up in surprise. “You’re not mad?” Jared snorted.

“Am I mad because you want to spend Christmas with your family? Really, Jen?”

“Well…I mean, _you’re_ my family too, Jay.” Jared beamed at Jensen’s statement and Jensen felt his face heat up in mild embarrassment. He meant what he said, but he’d never been so damn _sappy_ until he and Jared had gotten together.

“You would make a killing writing for Hallmark, you know that?” Jared teased.

“Shut it, Sasquatch,” Jensen growled, taking a half-hearted swipe at Jared with the wooden spoon he was using to stir the food. Jared caught his wrist and brought the spoon to his mouth, licking off small pieces of veggies and some sauce. “Gross, Jared!” Jensen yanked the spoon back and studied it suspiciously before setting it on the counter beside the wok.

“Jensen, how is me eating from the serving spoon any worse than you sticking your tongue in my mouth?” Jared asked with chuckle. Jensen huffed and rolled his eyes.

“It’s the _principle_ of the thing.”

“Well, then maybe your principles are also telling you that you shouldn’t put your tongue up my—”

“Nope, we’re good!” Jensen interrupted, hastily thrusting the spoon back into the stir fry before Jared could threaten to withhold one of Jensen’s favorite things to do to him in bed. Which maybe was a little backwards, but with everything they’d both been through, no way was he not going to respect Jared’s ban on something sexual, even if it was a just a joke.

Jared moved forwards, pressed his body against Jensen’s. Jensen froze, hands gripping the edge of the counter tightly. He suddenly felt breathless and lightheaded in the best possible way, and his eyes rolled back when Jared began kissing up and down his neck.

“Food’s…almost done,” he panted, hoping Jared would offer some version of ‘Fuck that, fuck me instead.’ But this was _Jared_ , and some days it was a tossup as to whether food would triumph over sex or vice versa.

Jared’s stomach rumbled loudly and he pulled back from Jensen, leaving a trail of small kisses up his neck and across his cheek to his lips.

“Later,” Jared whispered, stepping back and turning to grab two plates.

“Yeah,” Jensen murmured to himself, his hand floating up, fingers rubbing lightly at his lips.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next morning, Jared dropped Harley and Sadie off at the dog sitter’s while Jensen cleaned a little and started to pack. When Jared returned, they had an impromptu makeout session, Jared’s back pushed up against the front door. Jensen attacked his mouth, getting lost in the sweet taste of Jared’s spit, the feel of the sharp ridges of Jared’s teeth against Jensen’s tongue.

Suddenly, Jensen felt himself being spun around so that his back was now against the door. He groaned in pleasure, spurring Jared on. Jared stepped back and flipped Jensen around so that his front was plastered against the door. The move took Jensen by surprise, and he felt himself tense up.

“Wanna eat you out, Jen,” Jared whispered hotly in his ear, and his brain agreed with the words, begged for more, his body began to rebel. Because something felt wrong; Jensen didn’t know what it was, but he could feel himself frantically trying to twist out of Jared’s grasp.

“Jen?” Jared asked, voice full of concern. He moved back slightly, but the increased space did nothing to quell Jensen’s fear; instead, it just gave him enough room to twist more violently, arms flailing out in seemingly every direction until…

“Oof!” Jared let out a pained grunt as Jensen felt his elbow connect with what felt like Jared’s stomach. He froze, the sudden impact and the sound of his boyfriend in pain allow his mind to gain control of his body again and stop his panicking.

He felt lightheaded from hard yet shallow breathing, and he had to blink a few times to get the spots dancing in his eyes to disappear. He turned around and saw Jared doubled over. He stumbled to his boyfriend’s side and crashed onto his knees.

“Oh my god, Jay! Shit, I’m so sorry! I’m not…I don’t know what happened. Fuck, I’m so _so_ sorry!” Jensen touched Jared’s shoulder lightly, unsure of his reaction. He half expected Jared to pull away in fear, but instead Jared leaned into his hand. Jensen breathed a quick sigh of relief, running his hands more firmly over Jared’s back before asking if he wanted help moving to the couch to sit down. Jared just shook his head and plopped down on the wood floor next to Jensen.

“I do,” Jared said after a few minutes.

“You do what?” Jensen asked softly, stroking Jared’s hair. It had grown quite a bit since they first met, despite the twice-monthly haircuts they both had to get in order to keep their characters’ appearances looking similar episode-to-episode. Jensen loved the added length, though, loved that there was even more silkiness to run his hands through. Jared opened his eyes and studied Jensen’s face, those intense hazel orbs feeling like they were burning straight through to his soul.

“I know what happened,” Jared finally clarified.

“You mean I freaked out for no reason and basically punched you in the stomach,” Jensen spat bitterly, only just realizing how angry he was with himself for his reaction.

“Jen, don’t be mad at yourself. Not for this,” Jared began, but Jensen interrupted

“I hurt you, Jared! Of course I’m mad at myself.”

“ _Jensen_. Listen to me, okay? First of all, I’m okay. It just surprised me and knocked the wind out of me a little bit. I’m much more worried about _you_.” Jensen snorted, started to say something but Jared wouldn’t let him. “No, I’m serious. Jen…the night you were roofied…when I found you in the alley, the guy had you pushed up against the wall exactly like I just did. I’m so sorry I did that. It just…didn’t even cross my mind, y’know? So if you wanna be mad at anyone, be mad at me,” Jared finished, looking down in shame, letting his bangs fall down and conceal his eyes.

Jensen fell still as he tried to process Jared’s insight into the situation. And…well, it made sense. Mostly.

“First off, Jared, if there’s anyone to blame, it’s that piece of shit from the bar who drugged me, okay?” Jensen waited for Jared to nod. He used one finger to tilt Jared’s chin back up, wanting to see his eyes. “Okay?” he asked again, and Jensen could see that Jared meant it when he agreed. “Good. Now, the second thing is, I haven’t thought about that for months, Jay. So how could it just pop up out of nowhere now?”

It was only partially a lie. Jensen didn’t think about that night, but it was mostly because he couldn’t really remember it. He’d get occasional flashes but he always shut them out immediately, not interested in seeing where that road went.

“I dunno, Jen. I’m not a therapist. And I’m _not_ ,” Jared said, holding up a hand to keep Jensen from interrupting, “telling you to go see one. I suggested that more than once right after and I know it’s not something you’re gonna do. Even though you know my opinion on the matter. Anyways, my point is that I could make a guess as to why that happened but I don’t have any answers for you, apart from apparently I need to not push you up against any doors or walls, at least for a little while longer.”

Jensen huffed in annoyance. Not at Jared, no; his boyfriend was the absolute best. He was annoyed that they basically had to filter their sex life just so he wouldn’t…what? Have a panic attack? Hurt Jared worse than he already did?

He was stewing over this, silently cursing the world for this little scrap of crappiness when something occurred to him. He wasn’t the only person in this relationship who’d experienced sexual assault.

“Jay…” Jensen said shakily but gently, all the sullenness draining from him swiftly with his realization. “Has this ever happened, but for you? I mean, did I ever do anything that made you, you know…panicky or whatever?” Jared offered him a small smile.

“Jen, I have a pretty mean right hook. I think we’d both know if that had ever happened.”

“But just because it hasn’t doesn’t mean it won’t,” Jensen pointed out. “I don’t…I mean, how do I make sure not to do that to you?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. Don’t get wasted and try to use my mouth as your own personal fuckhole?” Jared joked, but it came out flat and bitter. Jensen gathered Jared in his arms and pushed up off the floor. Jared gasped in shock. “How the hell…you’re _carrying_ me!” Jensen grinned victoriously, hiding his own surprise. He was stronger than most people expected, sure, but even he was surprised that he’d managed to get up off the floor while holding Jared.

He shuffled them over to the couch and relaxed back onto the comfortable cushions, his cheeks heating in satisfaction when Jared didn’t let go.

“You mean everything to me,” Jensen whispered, “and I would never treat you like that.”

“I know,” Jared murmured back.

They were due leave for the airport in less than thirty minutes, but it wouldn’t be the first time they’d both missed their flights, though usually they could blame that on work.

“How about,” Jensen said, fingers running once again through Jared’s hair, “I change my flight and come straight to San Antonio with you.” Jared lifted his head of Jensen’s chest to look him in the eyes.

“You sure? You don’t think your parents will be mad, or…” Jensen silenced him with a kiss.

“My parents adore you, Jay. Besides, it’s not like I won’t spend time with them over break. They’ll be fine.”

“And…it’s what _you_ want?” Jared asked uncertainly.

“Call me codependent and pathetic, but if I could spend every single day with you I would,” Jensen answered, hoping he didn’t actually sound too pathetic. But Jared’s face lit up with a grin and he resettled his head on Jensen’s chest.

“Me too, Jen. Me too,” Jared whispered, so quiet Jensen barely heard him. His chest filled with warmth and he pressed a kiss to Jared’s hair before tipping his head back and allowing Jared’s deep, even breaths to lull him into a peaceful doze.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Hey, ma,” Jared drawled lazily. It was a few hours later and Jensen and Jared were lounging in bed. Jared had dialed his mom before putting his phone on speaker so Jensen could hear the conversation.

“Hi, Sherri,” Jensen added to the greeting, wanting her to know he could hear her too. It was good manners, after all, and Jensen hadn’t lived in the Lone Star State for almost ten years but that old saying rang true nonetheless: you can take the boy out of Texas but you can’t take Texas out of the boy. Or whatever.

“Hi Jared, hi Jensen, honey. Aren’t you boys supposed to be on a plane? Is everything okay?” she asked, her voice warm and tinged with genuine motherly concern.

“Yeah, we were but something came up. Don’t worry, we’re both fine,” Jared said hastily, eager to put to rest his mother’s worries. Jensen heard her breathe out a sigh of relief before Jared continued. “So, um, the reason I’m calling you is because I wanted to ask…”

“Ask what, JT?” Sherri prodded gently when Jared trailed off. Jensen hadn’t given any of this a second thought when they came up with the plan, but Jared’s hesitancy was making doubt start to slither in through the growing cracks of Jensen’s sureness. Did Jared’s parents not like Jensen as much as he believed they did? Was Jared uncertain about spending so much free time with Jensen, with no work to distract them or force the occasional hours of separation?

“So, uh, Jensen was gonna fly in to Dallas and spend a few days with his family and then drive down to San An but we thought it would just make more sense for him to come straight home with me so is that okay?”

“Of course, that sounds wonderful!” Sherri replied without pause. “But when will Jensen get to see his folks? I don’t want to steal him away from them, especially during the holidays and with you two living so far away.”

“I’ll go back to Dallas before Christmas and stay at least through New Year’s, Sherri,” Jensen said. “It’s my parents’ turn to host practically the entire extended family so I couldn’t miss that, even if I wanted to.”

“Good, good,” Sherri said absently. Then her voice brightened and Jensen’s mind conjured up the image of a lightbulb blinking on over her head, like in cartoons and comics when a character suddenly had a good idea. “Actually, we’re going to be pretty alone this Christmas. Jeff is spending it with his wife and her family, and Megan is going with some friends to Mexico. So why don’t y’all spend a little time here and then Gerry and I will drive up to Dallas with you? Assuming your parents are okay with that, of course. Oh, I can’t believe I just invited myself to your family get-together, Jensen, I’m so sorry! That was very rude of me,” she fretted.

“Sherri, it’s fine! I actually think it’s a great idea,” Jensen said. “Besides, my parents have been bugging me to introduce them to you and Gerry for a while now, so I’m sure they’ll both be on board.”

“Okay, sounds wonderful,” Sherri said. “Now, you boys reschedule your flights and call me with the details so I know when to pick you up, okay?”

“Will do, mom,” Jared said. They all said their goodbyes and Jared hung up.

“Your turn,” he grinned, gesturing to Jensen’s phone.

The call to Donna only took a few minutes. She was upset at first when Jensen said that he’d be going to San Antonio right away, but when he mentioned the plan for him and Jared and Jared’s parents to all drive up and spend the holidays together, Donna was instantly appeased. They made tentative plans, Jensen promising to keep her updated on the details. He said he’d call her when he landed in Texas before bidding farewell and flipping his phone shut.

They managed to reschedule their flights without too much hassle, they finished packing, Jared gave Jensen a blow job and Jensen gladly returned the favor, they called a cab to pick them up an hour later, they showered, Jensen fucked Jared against the tile walls, they did a second round of washing off, then they quickly dressed and made sure everything in the house was turned off right as Jensen got an automated call informing him that their cab was waiting outside.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They’d decided to spring for business-class tickets instead of coach. Jensen, always so careful (usually more than necessary) about money was actually the one who had to convince Jared to shell out the extra bit of money. (“Jay, we work hard and we make good money. You’re not gonna go broke.” “Jared, it’s a long-ass flight and we _both_ need decent leg space.” But what finally clenched it was: “Jay, baby, in business class there are only two seats together, which means we won’t have to sit next to anyone else. All alone, just you and me…”) Apparently, the (pretty damn unlikely, in Jensen’s opinion) possibility of Jensen giving Jared a hand job six and half miles up in the air in a freaking plane was worth at least a few hundred dollars to Jared.

When they were seated comfortably and waiting patiently for the rest of the passengers to file in down the aisle, Jared leaned over the armrest and whispered to Jensen, “Maybe at the end of the season, we could road trip back down to Texas. I think Sadie and Harley would like that a lot more than a kennel and a five-hour plane ride.” Jensen hummed in agreement. “Plus,” Jared added, “we could actually make it a proper road trip, y’know? Stop and see things or towns that we maybe never would otherwise.”

“Yeah, Jay. We could do that,” Jensen said, trying to push thoughts of the show not getting picked up for a second season out of his head. They’d only just got picked up for the rest of _this_ season, so it was way too early to expect anything more.

“Good call on upgrading,” Jared said, sighing with content as he stretched out his long legs. There was enough room between each row of seats that he could almost straighten them out fully, which Jensen knew from personal experience was a vast improvement to being folded like a pretzel in the main cabin.

“Told ya,” he replied with a grin.

The captain came on over the speaker then and Jensen mostly ignored it. They always said the same thing anyways, and he didn’t even look up at the flight attendant when she demonstrated the proper way to buckle and unbuckle the seat belt or pointed out the exits. Instead, he took the time to study Jared, who was watching the attendant attentively like the upstanding citizen he was.

Jensen didn’t bother to hold back his smile. He loved his boy, and they were about to get six weeks of blissful freedom: no work, no promotional events or shoots, no boring interviews and no pushy fans. There’d just be sleeping late with Jared’s warm body next to him, eating lots of home-cooked food, warm weather and green grass and making out under the stars. Jensen couldn’t wait.


	23. Austin, Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Before I got the role on Gilmore Girls, I’d been planning on going to UT Austin, to studying engineering. I visited the campus my senior year of high school, and that was when I realized that I could basically have my cake and eat it too.”
> 
> Jensen quirked a questioning eyebrow at Jared.
> 
> “Austin. Have you ever been there, Jen?” Jensen shook his head, and Jared continued. “Their motto is literally ‘Keep Austin weird.’ It’s like…the San Francisco of the south. It’s so completely different from San Antonio or Dallas or any other city in Texas. It’s special. I felt…comfortable. Like I belonged. And I realized then, wow, so _that’s_ where all the liberal Texans are.”
> 
> Jensen snorted in amusement, but fell silent as he began to process what Jared was saying.
> 
> “You mean…you want to live there someday?”

“God, I’ve missed Texas,” Jared said, taking a deep breath of the early evening air, rich with the smell of cut grass and someone burning the last of the fallen leaves a few houses down. Jensen had just come through the back door and onto the porch and he paused, taking in the sight of his boyfriend all lazy and relaxed, happy and completely free of stress. The view was hypnotizing, Jared sitting in a wooden rocker, one bare foot tucked up under him as the other tapped at the ground every so often, causing the chair to rock softly.

“Beer’s getting warm.” His low voice broke through Jensen’s reverie and Jensen shuffled across the porch and plopped down in the chair beside Jared, handing him a beer bottle already wet with condensation.

“Sorry,” Jensen murmured, taking a swig of beer, suddenly embarrassed by his staring.

“Don’t be,” Jared replied, voice deep and eyes dark and sparkling. Jensen cleared his throat, breaking the too-intense gaze.

“So, you miss Texas, huh?”

“Don’t you?” Jared asked pointedly before taking a sip of his beer. He was still staring at Jensen, studying him, and Jensen felt like the question was loaded, carried a hidden weight of importance to Jared that he hadn’t voiced yet. It made Jensen almost nervous, scared that he’d say the wrong thing, give the wrong answer.

He thought about it for a minute, trying to work through all his mixed feelings towards his home state.

“Yes and no. I miss having my family close. I miss the weather. I miss the…the good parts of Texas, you know? The friendliness of strangers and how laid-back it is, how everyone seems more down to earth than they do in LA. But…there are certain things I have issues with, and when I try to think about moving back here at some point, I can never seem to reconcile those two things, make them fit together.”

“You mean…being gay?” Jared asked softly.

“That’s the main thing, yeah,” Jensen said with a nod, “but there’s other stuff too.” Jensen emptied half his beer as Jared stayed silent, then finally worked up the courage to look over, expecting to see disappointment on the kid’s face.

Instead, Jared was smiling gently and biting his lip, an expectant and almost excited look in his eyes.

“What?” Jensen asked, his nervousness holding steady but changing in source, though to what, he wasn’t sure.

“So…you don’t _hate_ Texas? And apart from the whole politics of it, you wouldn’t mind living here again one day?” And there it was again, another loaded question that Jensen desperately wanted to give the answer Jared was looking for. But it wasn’t as simple as yes or no.

“My first few years in Hollywood, I tried so hard to cut that part out of me. There were a few people that kind of looked down on me being from Texas when they found out, which is totally stupid, looking back on it. But the real issue was, I kind of looked down on myself. I felt like growing up there had somehow automatically made me sheltered, uncultured. A hick. I didn’t have much of an accent, but I worked really hard to completely get rid of it.

“The worst part, though, was the sexuality thing. I’m not saying that everyone in LA was open-minded and accepting, and especially trying to get work in this industry I still had to hide it like I did back at home. But it was completely different. People didn’t want gay leading men, but they didn’t _actually_ care if you were gay or not. They didn’t worry about me burning in hell, they didn’t preach fire and brimstone on street corners. They just wanted to make sure their show got picked up, and knew that an openly gay actor decreased those odds. For once, it was all about business and money, not my personal humanity.”

“I completely understand,” Jared said, and Jensen knew that he did; he knew that Jared _got_ it.

“It hit me really hard, and I felt like I’d broken into two pieces: who I was, and who I thought I wanted to be. And, well…I did some really stupid things because of it.” He glanced over at Jared, saw curiosity and sadness in his face before Jensen looked away quickly. “Anyways, it took me years and years to start accepting that I loved my hometown and the culture of Texas and there was nothing wrong with that, it didn’t make me _less_ than these other actors. But even after I was okay with all of that, I never considered moving back to Texas. I didn’t think I would be able to be happy here, because I didn’t—I _don’t_ —think I’d ever be able to be me. Unapologetically, unashamedly. I just…I feel like I’d always have to hide, or be really careful about showing friends and coworkers and neighbors and whomever else certain aspects of my personal life, y’know?”

He found himself staring at Jared, trying to read the expressions flitting across his boyfriend’s face. Jensen had wanted to make Jared happy, although he still wasn’t exactly sure what Jared was trying to hint at, but he knew that the most important thing was that he’d been honest.

“I love Texas,” Jensen continued after Jared had remained silent and contemplative for a few minutes, “and I always will. And if it were a perfect world, one where people here weren’t bigoted, one where I could keep acting or maybe, um, directing, without having to live in LA or wherever…then yeah. I wouldn’t mind moving back here. It…” he paused, taking a deep breath like Jared had done earlier, just letting the environment wash over him: the scents, earth and woods and those burning leaves that never made an appearance in LA or Vancouver, the cities too big, too impersonal; the feel of the light breeze causing goosebumps to appear on his bare arms, making him shiver slightly and consider going inside in a few minutes to grab a sweater; the sight of the trees standing taller than all of the buildings, something he’d forgotten about but now that he saw it again had him thinking, _That’s the way it’s supposed to be_ ; the soft creaking of the rocking chair, the rhythmic squeak of wood against wood as Jared rocked it slowly; the rough-but-smooth feel of the deck beneath Jensen’s bare feet, like the boards had been weathered and sanded down from age and time and people walking across them, dragging furniture and leaving scuffs and dents and memories.

“It feels like home in a way no other place ever has. Not LA, not North Carolina, not Vancouver. And that makes me happy. But I don’t know if it makes me happy enough to overcome the negatives.”

Jared smiled at him, warm and affectionate. That expectant look was back in his eyes again.

“Before I got the role on Gilmore Girls, I’d been planning on going to UT Austin, to studying engineering. I visited the campus my senior year of high school, and that was when I realized that I could basically have my cake and eat it too.”

Jensen quirked a questioning eyebrow at Jared.

“Austin. Have you ever been there, Jen?” Jensen shook his head, and Jared continued. “Their motto is literally ‘Keep Austin weird.’ It’s like…the San Francisco of the south. It’s so completely different from San Antonio or Dallas or any other city in Texas. It’s special. I felt…comfortable. Like I belonged. And I realized then, wow, so _that’s_ where all the liberal Texans are.”

Jensen snorted in amusement, but fell silent as he began to process what Jared was saying.

“You mean…you want to live there someday?”

“Definitely.”

“And you think you could be, like, openly gay there and not have any issues?”

“I mean, there’s always gonna be someone crappy, you know? But yeah, basically.”

“So…” Jensen picked his next words carefully, not wanting to sound presumptuous but also not wanting to come across as uninterested. “You asking me if I would ever consider moving back to Texas was…”

“Because as much as I love Austin, if you wanted to live somewhere else, I, um, well…I would do that.”

“Do what?” Jensen asked, not because he was confused but because he needed to make sure.

Jared sighed, his cheeks flushing pink as he looked away from Jensen. Jensen could tell he was embarrassed, that he was having a hard time putting his feelings into such blatant words. Words that left no room for interpretation, no back door, no safety net.

“I’d rather live with you, even if it was in a city I hated, than live in Austin without you.”

“You’re such a sap,” Jensen joked, trying to lighten the mood and lessen his boyfriend’s self-consciousness. He reached over and grabbed Jared’s hand, squeezing tightly. “But you’re _my_ sap,” he added softly. Jared finally turned back to face him. “And I would totally move to Austin with you.”

“Really?” Jared asked, looking surprised and a little doubtful.

“Really,” Jensen whispered, leaning forward and catching Jared’s lips in a kiss.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“I have a surprise for you,” Jensen announced the next day. He paused as he entered the family room to take in the sight before him. It was just after lunch and Jared was dozing on the couch, hands resting on his slightly food-distended stomach. There was a football game on the TV, turned down low. Jensen chuckled.

“Jay, you are like the most old man-y twenty-three year old I know.” Jared scoffed and cracked one eye open, still managing to shoot Jensen an impressive glare.

“Old man-y?”

“Sorry, would you prefer old geezer?”

“You shut your mouth,” Jared muttered, but when he closed his eyes Jensen could see the corners of his lips twitching in an attempt to hold back a smile.

“Sure,” Jensen shot back, tone suggestive, “know of anything you can use to shut me up?”

“Jen!” Jared hissed, shooting up into a seated position and looking around the room with wide eyes.

“Your parents went to the store,” Jensen said with a smirk, and Jared visibly relaxed. “But seriously, dude, I have a surprise for you. Get your lazy ass up. I promise I’ll let you go back to sleep in ten minutes.”

“Fine, fine,” Jared grumbled. “You’re so high-maintenance.”

Jensen snorted. “Excuse me, _I’m_ not the one who’s bitching about being woken up from my post-lunch nap because my wonderful generous boyfriend wants to give me a present.”

Jared pouted adorably and followed Jensen out the front door and onto the porch. They stopped and Jensen turned to face his boyfriend, who stood gaping at the shiny Jeep in the driveway.

“You…you bought me a car?” Jared asked, sounding alarmed.

“What? No! No. It’s a rental, Jared. We’re going on a little trip. I already packed you a bag, so all you need to do it put on your shoes and go pee.” Jensen grinned over at him but Jared looked hesitant.

“Where are we going?”

“That’s why it’s called a surprise. I promised you’ll like it, okay?” Jensen’s smiled faltered as Jared bit his bottom lip and eyed the car warily. “Jay, I need you to actually say you’re okay with this otherwise it’s kinda considered kidnapping.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Jared mumbled. “No, of course I want to go. I think I’m just still half-asleep or something.”

“Well, the faster we get on the road the faster you can get back to your nap.”

“Yeah,” Jared nodded in agreement. He stood there a few more seconds before shaking himself into action. He stepped close to Jensen and pecked him on the lips. “Thanks, Jen. I’m sure I’ll love wherever we’re going. I’m gonna grab my shoes, I’ll be right back out.”

Jensen caught Jared before he could move away and kissed him again, deeper this time.

“You okay?” He was concerned; usually Jared was a huge ball of energy, especially when it came to gifts and surprises.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” Jared asked, but it sounded like he was trying to convince himself just as much as Jensen.

“Baby…”

“I’ll be ready in a few,” Jared said, pulling away and going inside without a glance back.

Jensen’s mind raced. Obviously he wasn’t happy that Jared was apparently in some sort of funk, but so far it felt like their relationship had been a little one-sided, in terms of being each other’s support systems. Jared had helped Jensen through some serious shit right out of the gate, and it looked like now it was Jensen’s turn to be a shoulder to lean on. He just hoped that, whatever was bothering Jared, it was something he could help with. Because if there was anyone in the world who truly deserved happiness, it was Jared Padalecki.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Jay, we’re here. Wake up,” Jensen whispered, gently shaking Jared’s shoulder. Jared snuffled and wiggled his torso, trying to knock Jensen’s hand off. “Jared,” Jensen tried again, this time a little louder. Jared grumbled but finally opened his eyes.

“Huh?” he asked sleepily.

“We’re here,” Jensen repeated with a smile.

“Where?”

“You’ll see. C’mon, let’s check into the hotel.” Jared shot Jensen a skeptical look before clambering out of the car. He grabbed his duffel from the back seat then paused, turning in a circle and looking around.

“Wait…Jen, are we in—”

“Good ol’ Austin, yep,” Jensen confirmed, coming around to stand next to Jared. He dropped his own duffel as he was pulled into a tight bear hug.

“Jen, this is awesome.”

“Well I’m glad you like the parking lot so far,” he said with a laugh. “But let’s get checked in, okay?”

“Is this the Driskill Hotel?” Jared asked, suddenly releasing Jensen and staring up at the impressive building.

“Yep! I heard it’s supposed to be haunted,” Jensen said with a wink. He grabbed his bag off the ground and headed towards the doors.


	24. Austin, Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After four days there, Jensen had to agree with Jared: Austin was pretty damn amazing. It kept all the unique and wonderful things about Texas: friendliness, steak to die for, country music, etc, while buffering out the not-so-pleasant aspects, leaving the city warm and inviting and very much open-minded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I suck at updating this. Life has been kind of horrendous lately, so that will probably be reflected in my writing. Basically, be prepared for some angst headed your way.
> 
> (Also, I'm doing a little better now. Hence the update. Only took six weeks, right? Yay?)

“So, what did you wanna do first?” Jared asked, a sly grin on his face as he rubbed his hands together expectantly.

“Oh, um…” Jensen looked around the hotel room they’d just finished examining, hoping an answer would somehow magically appear. He hadn’t actually planned out the entire trip—hell, he’d only found out about Jared’s secret love affair with the city the night before—and he didn’t know much about Austin off the top of his head. Jared didn’t seem put out; in fact, he looked even more excited.

“Wait, Jen…are you letting me choose what we get to do?”

If Jensen had been a smarter man, he would have pretended like that had been his genius plan all along. But Jensen was unfailingly, almost _embarrassingly_ honest when it came to anything regarding his boyfriend. Luckily, whenever it happened Jared seemed to consistently fall on the scale between finding it endearing and jumping Jensen’s bones. Of course, once Jensen discovered the latter response, he stopped worrying that his insistent urge to be totally honest and transparent was somehow going to kill their relationship.

So instead of taking credit for the idea, Jensen just blurted out the truth. “Well, I only found out about this whole Austin thing last night, remember? So I booked the car and hotel this morning before you woke up, but I honestly just didn’t have time to plan anything else.”

Jared’s smile grew even wider as his whole body began wiggling with barely-contained enthusiasm. “So, that’s a yes?”

Jensen laughed. “Yes, Jay. That’s a thank god, yes, considering I have nothing planned.” Jared glided closer to him, the movements of his body morphing from childlike eagerness to sensual and suggestive (and very much adultlike).

“Well, I know what I want to do first—” he started to say, but was interrupted by a sharp knock to the door.

“Room service!” called a muffled voice, and Jared eyed Jensen.

“You didn’t order anything, did you?” he asked. Jensen shook his head, annoyed with himself that he’d forgotten to put the ‘Do not disturb’ sign on the door. He always did that when he stayed at a hotel, no matter where he was. Of course this would be the one time that he forgot.

Grumbling under his breath, Jensen walked over to the door and opened it. Immediately, an older man in a suit pushed a silver cart into the room.

“Compliments of the manager,” the guy said. “He said to tell you that he loves your new show and is very excited that you both are here. IF you need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask.” With a small salute and a blink of an eye, the guy was gone.

“Um…”Jensen looked back at Jared, confused. Jared shrugged.

“That was nice of him, I guess.”

“That was weird.”

“Well…hey, free food!” Jared eyed the dessert-laden tray hungrily, and Jensen turned his attention there as well. There was a variety of fruits and desserts crammed onto the cart, along with a bottle of Champagne chilling in a small silver ice bucket.

“Not bad,” Jensen murmured, reaching for the bottle. Jared had already started in on a slice of something very fancy and very chocolate. Jensen poured them both drinks and held up his glass in a toast, but words failed him and he was suddenly flooded with a wave of emotions.

“To…uh…”Jensen stuttered, stalled. Jared sat his plate down and picked up his glass, sliding over to stand right in front of Jensen.

“To Austin. To…hotel rooms with one bed. To us?”

“To us,” Jensen repeated with a soft smile, and they clinked glasses.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After four days there, Jensen had to agree with Jared: Austin was pretty damn amazing. It kept all the unique and wonderful things about Texas: friendliness, steak to die for, country music, etc, while buffering out the not-so-pleasant aspects, leaving the city warm and inviting and very much open-minded.

Their days usually started with lazy, half-asleep hand jobs in the warm bed, sunlight muted but still visible behind the curtains. After, they’d hop in the shower. By that point, usually they were both turned on again enough to mess around some more. Sometimes they just rutted against each other, other times Jensen would drop to his knees and take Jared in his mouth. And once, Jared leaned forward against the tiles and spread his legs, and looked over his shoulder with a sexy smirk of invitation. All Jensen could think as he worked Jared open, first with his fingers and then with his cock, was _Thank god for waterproof lube_.

Once they actually got cleaned up, they’d get dressed and order room service for breakfast: eggs and bacon and _lots_ of coffee for Jensen; a little bit of everything for Jared. They joked around and had fun, and then headed out to explore the city. They took a map with them but usually ended up wondering around, letting themselves get lost and stumbling across the perfect hole-in-wall burger joints and dive bars with old dart boards and cheap beer.

The third day, Jared convinced Jensen to visit one of the beaches. What he failed to mention was that it was a nude beach. Jensen was hesitant to even step foot on the sand, but seeing as it was the middle of winter, nobody was there besides them.

And that was the first (and last) time Jensen ever had sex on a beach. The sand got absolutely _everywhere_ , in places nothing should ever go (except Jensen’s fingers…and tongue…and cock…). 

The last full day there was spent similar to the others, yet it felt like the mood had shifted slightly, a tension that hung in the air. It wasn’t uncomfortable. It was more like…expectant. Jared kept sending him loaded glances, looks ranging from concern to hopefulness. Jensen knew his boyfriend had spent the last few days showing him around the city, putting its metaphorical best foot forward in the hopes that he would fall in love with it as much as Jared had.

Jared didn’t need to be worried; a place had never felt so much like _home_ to Jensen.

Which was why, on the last night of their trip, Jensen decided that it was time for him to finally give back Jared something, something he’d been waiting to do for months...

They got home after an early dinner. Jensen immediately jumped in the shower, partly to calm his nerves and partly because he wanted to, well… _clean up_. He contemplateed fingering himself open but decided against it. He wanted Jared to have the full experience for his first time topping; his boyfriend deserved that (and so much more). He also didn’t want Jared to think that Jensen didn’t trust him with something so precious.

Jensen got out of the shower quickly, before he turned into a teenage girl. He was still nervous as he walked into the room with just a towel around his waist. The moment Jared turned to look at him, Jensen dropped his towel. He was not pulling any punches tonight.

Jared stepped forward, then backwards.

“I should probably take a shower,” he finally said.

“No, Jay,” Jensen said, then backtracked. “I mean, if you want to, of course. But you don’t _need_ to.” He emphasized the word need, hoping Jared would understand. By the confused look on his face, though he was still lost. Jensen huffed, feeling vulnerable. “I want you to, you know…fuck me.”

“Oh! Um, really?”

“Yes, Jay. Really.”

“Okay.” Jared bit his lip nervously. “Um…”

Jensen couldn’t help but smile at Jared’s sudden shyness.

“Jay, we do this all the time. Just because you’ll be on top doesn’t mean it has to be any different. Like, leading up to it and stuff.”

Jared chuckled. “Yeah, okay. Besides, you’ve already done half the work.” He smirked, running his eyes slowly up and down Jensen’s naked body. Jensen stood there silently, let Jared get his fill for one whole minute. Then he surged forward, unable to keep his hands of his boyfriend any longer. They both fumbled with Jared’s clothes, undressing him as quickly as possible.

Jensen fell back onto the bed and Jared followed him, blanketing his body and meeting his lips in a heated kiss. That’s how they stayed for a few minutes, just enjoying the taste of each other, the feel of skin against skin. Finally, Jared lifted himself up off of Jensen and leaned back on his knees. His hulking form was impressive, almost intimidating. But right then all it was doing to Jensen was making his cock even harder.

Jared took another minute to look Jensen over again, hunger plain in his eyes. Jensen couldn’t help but blush, feeling like not just his body but his soul was laid bare for his boyfriend to see. Again. Apparently, Jared approved of what he saw. He grinned brightly, dimples out in full force.

“Turn over for me?” he asked, and Jensen obliged. He knew that it was supposed to be less painful to do it this way, as opposed to missionary-style, especially for his first time.

 _Is it still considered missionary position if it’s two guys?_ Jensen wondered.

“Uh, what?” Jared said. Jensen twisted his head around, looking at Jared in surprise.

“Did I say that out loud?” he asked, his skin flushing again but for a different reason.

“Yes, you did,” Jared said between laughs. But when he looked back down, he was biting his bottom lip again, trying and failing to hold back a smile. His eyes were bright and twinkling and had that look in them that Jensen had come to recognize over the last few months. A mix of humor and fondness, but…deeper. More significant.

“Well?” Jensen asked, breaking the silence.

“Well what?”

“Is it still called that?”

“I mean, probably?” Jared replied. “But, uh, d’you mind if we figure that out later?” Jensen blushed for the third time in as many minutes.

“Of course. Sorry.”

“No reason to be sorry, Jen. You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t blurt out weird questions right before we have sex.”

“Shut up,” Jensen said, poking Jared lightly in the ribs before laying back down on his stomach. On any other night, the vibe in the room would have made Jensen feel content and at ease, but as he laid there blindly listening to Jared move around behind him, he felt himself tensing up. They both were about to take a huge step, yet just ten seconds ago they’d been joking around. It just seemed a little off, the mood not matching the situation, and for whatever reason, it was ratcheting up Jensen’s anxiety.

“Relax, babe,” Jared said quietly, as if he could read Jensen’s mind. Or maybe just his body language.

“Yeah,” Jensen murmured, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. He felt Jared’s body heat moments before a kiss landed on his back between his shoulder blades. The kisses continued down his spine then back up. Warm hands rubbed over his back and down his arms, fingers linking together when Jared reached his hands. Jensen noticed some of the tension leaving his body, and Jared let go of one hand.

Jensen heard the snick of a cap and he jerked like he’d just heard a gunshot, not a bottle of lube being opened. His free hand clenched the sheets and he squeezed his eyes closed, feeling his body tense again, worse than before. Jensen knew what was coming next, but he still jerked again when slick fingers grazed against the skin of his ass.

“Sorry if the lube’s cool, it should warm up soon,” Jared whispered, misinterpreting Jensen’s reaction to his touch.

“Mhm,” Jensen croaked, not trusting his voice with actual words. Jared’s fingers traced his balls lightly, moving back towards Jensen’s hole. Objectively, Jensen knew that it probably felt good. But he still found himself burying his face in the mattress to muffle the whimpers of fear that were valiantly trying to break forth.

Jared finally reached the furled muscle of his hole. His fingers rubbed gently over it, trying to get Jensen to relax enough to slip a finger in. Jensen could feel his muscles pulled taut like they were flash-frozen in place, and he thought his body might be shaking slightly, but he couldn’t tell for sure. Everything seemed weirdly distant, like his body and mind had been disconnected.

Suddenly, Jared’s fingers disappeared and a few seconds later his hands—now free of lube—gripped Jensen’s shoulders.

“Jen!” Jared said, sounding like they were under water. “Jensen, turn over. Come on, Jen, please.” Jared managed to roll Jensen over fairly easily, his body still stiff as a board. “Jensen, open your eyes. It’s just me. No one else. Open your eyes, Jen. I love you, I’m here. Just me, Jensen.”

Jared’s voice came back to Jensen, that underwater sound fading with each word. Finally, he was able to crack one eye open, then the other. Jared’s face was hovering right above his, those swirling hazel eyes wide with fear.

“Hey. You with me?” Jared asked softly. Jensen jerked his head, not sure if he was trying to nod yes or shake no. “Well, at least you can hear me,” Jared murmured. “Is there anything I can do?” Jensen had fisted the sheets again in a death grip after he had been rolled over, but now he released them to grab at Jared’s arms with almost as much force. Jared hissed in pain but didn’t pull away. Jensen wanted to apologize, tried to, but no words were coming out. Instead, he pulled Jared down to the mattress beside him then curled himself around his boyfriend’s warm body.

“God, Jen, you’re shaking like crazy,” Jared whispered, hesitantly placing his hands on Jensen’s back. When Jensen didn’t try to pull away, he began rubbing up and down his spine. There was nothing sexual about the touch. Jensen could tell it was meant to be calming, comforting. Reassuring.

It was working.

He felt himself drifting towards sleep and tried to pull himself out. He needed to say something to Jared, apologize or explain or… _something_.

“It’s okay, babe,” Jared whispered. “You can sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up, I promise.” Jensen’s eyes fell closed immediately as everything went blissfully blank. Everything except the feeling of Jared’s smooth skin against his, Jared’s fingers combing gently through his hair.

He drifted off just moments later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could really use some comments for this one. And I promise they will be answered!


	25. Austin, Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What do you need from me? What can I do to help, Jen?” It was Jensen’s turn to shrug. Honestly, he had no idea. The problem was, there _wasn’t_ a problem, at least ninety-nine percent of the time. Jensen didn’t think about it during the day, didn’t dream about it at night. In fact, the only times those memories had come rushing back was when he and Jared were…well.

Jensen woke, groggy and eyelids heavy as he tried to blink them open. He was met with bright sun shining through the partially-opened curtains. It took a few minutes for his thoughts to catch up with him, but eventually Jensen remembered everything that had happened before his impromptu nap. He groaned, reaching a hand out towards Jared. The sheets were cool and he started to panic before his body registered the very big and very warm person spooned up against his back.

Jared must have gotten up at some point, which would explain the curtains and the change in their sleeping position. He found himself relaxing back against Jared, just reveling in the closeness for a few minutes. But his need to see his boyfriend’s face soon outweighed his sleepiness, and he scooted away enough to roll over and face Jared.

Jared, whose eyes were already open and shiny with unshed tears.

“Jay?” Jensen’s voice was rough and scratchy, like he’d been screaming for the last hour instead of sleeping for…ten hours? Twelve? “Babe…”

“Jens…” Jared breathed out, blinking a few times to try and clear his eyes.

“Baby, why are you crying?”

“You…”

“I’m so sorry,” Jensen said when Jared’s voice trailed off. But Jared shook his head vigorously at Jensen’s apology.

“No, Jen, not that. You—when you were asleep, you had a nightmare. I couldn’t wake you up. Scared the hell outta me.” Jensen reached out and rubbed his thumb lightly across Jared’s cheek.

“I’m still sorry,” he whispered. Jared shrugged.

“It’s not your fault, Jensen. Remember when you told me that?”

“Yeah,” Jensen croaked, thinking about when they’d gone through something very similar just a few months before. Their roles just happened to be reversed now.

“What do you need from me? What can I do to help, Jen?” It was Jensen’s turn to shrug. Honestly, he had no idea. The problem was, there _wasn’t_ a problem, at least ninety-nine percent of the time. Jensen didn’t think about it during the day, didn’t dream about it at night. In fact, the only times those memories had come rushing back was when he and Jared were…well.

“Am I broken?” Jensen asked, a rare moment of letting out all his fears and insecurities, completely uninhibited and unfiltered.

“God, Jensen, no! Of course not. Why…why do you think that?”

“You—I mean, you got past it. Hell, you love it now. Right?”

“Yes. I love having you in me. But Jen, I’ve had _years_ to deal with this. You’ve only had a few months.”

“But you weren’t really dealing with it all those years,” Jensen pointed out gently.

“True. But time does have a way of healing most wounds, even if it’s really fucking slow.” He smiled, small but genuine. “Seriously though. Are you okay?” Jensen’s kneejerk reaction was to say, ‘Of course I’m fine,’ but he paused to assess the situation and himself. To really look at what was happening.

“Most of the time, yes. I guess it’s just certain, uh, specific situations that kind of..”

“Freak you out,” Jared finished.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Jared nodded his head, his eyes glazing over slightly as he got lost in his thoughts. “Okay. We’ll deal with this. But _right now_ , are you okay?”

“I think so,” Jensen replied honestly.

“Okay. So what do you want to do right now?”

“Stay in bed,” Jensen said immediately. “I mean, I know we were supposed to check out today and head to Dallas, but would you mind if we stayed another day or two? We can still make it back for Christmas and—”

“Jensen, breathe,” Jared interrupted his rambling. “Of course that’s okay with me. It’s more than okay with me.” Jensen huffed out a sigh of relief.

“I just don’t feel like dealing with other people right now, even my family.”

“Well, I understand that feeling,” Jared murmured, more to himself than Jensen.

“Jay?”

“It’s—look, let’s change the subject, at least for the next few hours. You hungry?”

“Not really,” Jensen said just as Jared’s stomach rumbled comically loud. “But apparently one of us is. Let’s order some food, maybe I’ll feel more like eating by the time it gets here.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Jared’s voice sounded a little shaky, but before Jensen could call him out on it, he was sliding off the bed and towards the phone sitting on the desk.

He’d put on boxers at some point during the night, and Jensen checked himself under the covers. Somehow Jared had managed to get boxers on Jensen as well, without him waking up. If it had been anyone else, he would have been completely creeped out. But right now, he just felt grateful. Taken care of.

Loved.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen ended up eating half of the mac ‘n cheese, mashed potatoes, corn, and chicken fingers that Jared had ordered for him. (“Jay, this is like toddler food!” “It’s called _comfort food_ , Jen.” “Yeah. Comfort food for a five-year-old.” “You sayin’ you want something else?” “No! I mean, no. I’ll just eat it.”) After lunch, he hopped in the shower; thankfully, Jared didn’t ask to join. Jensen needed some time alone, to wash off the memories of the night before.

As the day wore on and Jensen started feeling better, he noticed that Jared seemed to withdraw into himself. Jensen wasn’t sure if it was some delayed reaction from last night—because he absolutely knew that last night had affected Jared badly, even if they weren’t talking about it—or if it was something else.

Jensen was getting frustrated. Not with his boyfriend, but with the emotional seesaw they seemed to be on; when one of them was up, the other was down. He was sick of it, and just wanted to get them both back on solid ground.

The following day was spent in a similar manner: they lounged around the hotel room, watching TV and ordering in room service. One noticeable difference, however, was Jared. He didn’t talk much and his usually bubbly demeaner seemed diminished, practically absent.

Jensen decided to let Jared be, at least until they left Austin the next morning. Besides, Jensen himself was trying not to think of the events from two nights before, and he was pretty damn sure that that’s what had caused the sudden shift in Jared’s mood. And okay, Jensen knew he tended towards avoidance with issues like this, but he’d always believed that he was one of those people who felt like going to therapy and constantly dragging up his problems would actually make it _more_ difficult for him to get past them.

But when Jared slipped into bed that night and left enough space between them that Jensen felt like he was sleeping alone, he knew he couldn’t avoid the issue any longer.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They headed straight to Dallas from Austin the next day. Jared’s parents were going to meet them at Jensen’s parents’ house so that they could all spend Christmas day together. The drive there was almost three hours, which gave Jensen plenty of time to psych himself up for the impending (and probably unpleasant) conversation.

An hour and fifteen minutes into the drive, he was finally ready.

“Jay?”

“Hmm?”

“We should probably talk.” Jared sighed, sounding resigned, like he’d been preparing for this conversation as much as Jensen had.

“Okay.”

“The last two days you’ve been a little…off. I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” Jared snapped. Jensen’s hands gripped the wheel tighter as his body tensed from Jared’s tone.

“No, you _definitely_ are not.”

“Well it’s not exactly hard to figure out why.”

“I know,” Jensen whispered. “But it’s more than just what happened. I mean, that was completely my fault. Are you…m—mad at me?” Jensen stammered, chest tightening.

“ _What_? No, of course not! Jen,” Jared’s voice softened slightly, “that wasn’t your fault. It was _mine_.” His voice broke on that last word and Jensen slammed on the brakes and pulled to the side of the road, thankful that he had chosen a backroads highway instead of the always-crowded I-35.

 When the car screeched to a halt, he turned to Jared, completely confused and worried.

“Why on earth would you think that, Jay?” Jared stared at his lap, unwilling to look at Jensen.

“When we have sex in our, you know, _normal_ positions, you never freak out,” he muttered. “It’s only when I, I dunno, take control or whatever. Those are the only times you’ve panicked.” And if Jensen were honest with himself, he knew what Jared was saying was mostly true, although it had only happened twice so far. But Jared wasn’t giving himself—nor Jensen—enough credit.

“Jay, you take control a lot. Maybe not in a dominatrix kind of way, which I’m thankful for, just so you know. But people can be in control when they’re bottoming, or even when they’re just messing around without the sex.” Jensen shifted uneasily in his seat. He’d always had this rule (well, not _always_ , but definitely for the last few years) that if he wasn’t comfortable enough to talk to someone about sex, he probably shouldn’t be doing it with them. (Although that rule kind of flew out the window during his rare drunken, secret one-night stands. Because who wanted to sit down and have a conversation about sex when they were buzzed and horny? No one.)

So yeah, he could discuss sex. He could put his cards on the table and be upfront about the things he wasn’t into or that condoms were always to be worn (until Jared, of course). But never had he dug this deep into both his and his partner’s emotions regarding the activity. For about the five hundredth time since he met Jared, Jensen once again felt exposed, laid bare. He’d put not just his cards on the table but his heart and soul as well. And this time, it was more important than ever that Jared return the favor.

“I guess,” Jared said, sounding uncertain.

“Wasn’t it just three days ago that I was begging so hard I nearly cried while you were sucking me off?” Jared blushed a little at that but nodded jerkily. “And the first time you, um, ate me out or whatever?” It was Jensen’s turn to blush, both from remembering that night and then talking about it so frankly. “I was a blubbering mess when you were done.” Jared shrugged but he was biting his lip, trying not to smile at the memory. “And when you ride me? God, Jay, it’s so fucking hot. I’m completely at your mercy and I _love_ that.”

Jared made a strangled sound, like he was still attempting to reject Jensen’s point but couldn’t because he was starting to believe him. But the smile that had started to form slipped off again.

“So it’s just when I try to top.” Jared sounded so dejected that Jensen cursed the bucket seats of the car that kept him from pulling Jared’s body against his. Instead, he leaned over the center console, placing one hand on Jared’s knee and the other on his shoulder.

“Jay,” he said, completely serious, “it’s _not_ you. This is _not your fault_.” Jared wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I need you to see that, babe.”

“Just drive,” Jared said after a few minutes of silence. Jensen released his grip on him like he’d been burned. It hurt, Jared’s tone of indifference and his push to change the subject. Didn’t he realize that this was not easy for Jensen either? Not only the issues at hand but even just _talking_ about them? That Jensen hated it and he was doing it for Jared, would always do it for Jared…but if his boyfriend kept pushing him away, he wasn’t sure he would have enough strength or willpower to carry the load by himself.

Jensen felt guilty as he turned to face the front and pulled back onto the highway. He had been the one to thrust Jared into this situation in the first place. If it hadn’t been for Jensen, what had _happened_ to Jensen, Jared wouldn’t be sitting there feeling like…well, however he was feeling. Jared still hadn’t actually told Jensen, so he could only guess. But he knew it couldn’t be good.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When they got to Dallas, Jensen’s parents greeted them as if they hadn’t seen the boys for years instead of just a month.

Jared seemed to perk up with the welcome distraction from the last few days, as well as their conversation in the car. Jensen was silently thankful for this; although he knew that they would eventually need to finish the discussion, he didn’t want to worry about it right now. He genuinely wanted Jared (and himself) to have a happy and enjoyable Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic just hit 70k words! Thank you to everyone for reading and leaving comments and kudos and for coming back, even though it took me six weeks to get the previous chapter out. I love you all ❤❤❤


	26. Mistletoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Before the end of the day tomorrow,” Jensen said, resuming laying kisses all over Jared in between each word, “I’m going to make sure I’ve kissed you under every single mistletoe inside this house. At least twice,” he added, before finally planting one on Jared’s lips. Jared caught Jensen before he could draw back, pulling him into a deeper kiss.

The next day was Christmas Eve-Eve, or whatever people were now calling it. And at the Ackles household, there was absolutely no doubt which holiday was on the horizon. Donna had always enjoyed decorating for the seasons, but Jensen noticed that she seemed to get especially… _eager_ when Christmas rolled around. Not that Jensen was complaining, especially now that he was out of the house and wasn’t forced to spend an entire morning, afternoon, _and_ evening trudging up to the attic and back down more times that he could count, lugging box after box of ornaments and wreaths and Santa Clauses (because even Alan had a weakness for this holiday and had started collecting Santas years ago) and string lights and special candles (what made them special compared to the other candles that littered the house, Jensen still hadn’t figured out) and all other manner of décor.

Traditionally, the day after Thanksgiving had always been reserved for switching out the cornucopias and ceramic pumpkins and gourds and the multitude of items displaying—in some way or another—red and orange and yellow leaves and whatever else was deemed “autumny” for said Christmas stuff. Black Friday be damned. (Although, especially as the years went on and certain craft and home goods stores started getting serious retail-boners for Christmas, Jensen had thanked Donna numerous times for her refusal to display anything Christmas-related before Thanksgiving had ended.)

So by the time Jensen and Jared arrived, the house was completely decked out. Outside, soft white lights were strung along the eaves of the roof and through the bushes under the windows; they lined the walkway and even wrapped around the trunks of the two trees in the front yard. Inside, the familiar horde of decorations covered most surfaces, the bookshelves and mantle overflowing; stockings hung down from the mantle in front of the fireplace that got very little use due to the generally warm nature of Texas weather; the cream-colored walls were barely visible between the wreaths and a variety of winter and Christmas-related art; and those special candles Jensen still didn’t understand were placed in the middle of the coffee table and sporadically interspersed throughout all the other décor. But the real star of the show was a sharp, fresh-smelling pine tree that stood a good two feet taller Jensen and was hung with lights, a bit of tinsel, and all the ornaments the family had gathered over the years. Jensen loved taking time to walk around the tree and study each one, reliving the memories that went along with them. (He also reminded himself to tell Jared about the tinsel drama that happened one year; he knew his boyfriend would get a kick out of it.)

“Donna, Alan, your house looks _amazing_ ,” Jared said upon entering and getting a good look around. Donna smiled proudly and Alan chuckled.

“Sometimes I agonize about how much money has been poured into all these decorations over the years when we only get to enjoy them for one month, but every time they go back up, I can’t help thinking that it’s completely worth it,” Alan said. Donna scoffed.

“I didn’t see you _agonizing_ when you brought home three new Santas last week,” she said with a smirk. Alan looked at her, lips pursed to hide a smile.

“They were limited editions!”

“Of course they were.” She rolled her eyes affectionately. “It’s fine, sweetie,” she said, patting his arm. “We’ll just buy another bookcase for you next year.” Jared snorted and Jensen threw his head back and laughed. There was still plenty of room on the bookcase that displayed most of Alan’s Santas, but the sentiment was clear: Alan was no better than Donna when he got into the Christmas spirit.

They carried their bags up to Jensen’s room, where the only change to indicate that Christmas was nearing was the bouquet of poinsettias sitting on the windowsill. As much as Jensen loved the holiday cheer downstairs, it was nice to have a respite from it.

They moved silently around each other, unpacking their bags, moving in and out of the bathroom, hangers clicking together as clothes were hung and drawers being pulled out as everything else was stored in the dresser. When he was done, Jensen sat on the bed and watched Jared fussing with the clothes in the closet, firmly keeping his head turned away.

“How are you doing?” Jensen finally asked when he couldn’t stand the silence any longer. He kept his voice soft and low, doing his best to convey that he wasn’t trying to resume the conversation from the car, he just wanted Jared to stop ignoring him.

Jared froze, sighed, and turned around. He stumbled over to the bed and flopped down next to Jensen.

“I don’t want to ruin Christmas for you,” he whispered. Jensen snorted in amusement.

“I was worried that _I_ had ruined Christmas for _you_.” Jared’s lips quirked up in the hint of a smile, but it lasted only a split-second. He sighed and scrubbed tiredly at his face.

“I feel like shit and I don’t know why,” he admitted in a small voice. Jensen carefully laid his hand on Jared’s shoulder, moving it to the nape of his neck when he didn’t pull away. Jensen didn’t speak, could sense that Jared was wrestling with something else, something _more_. It took almost ten minutes of Jensen rubbing Jared’s back and Jared biting at his bottom lip and flexing and unflexing his left hand, like it was some sort of anxious tic, before the rest came spilling out.

“I want to be happy and usually I am but sometimes, just out of nowhere, everything kind of hits me all at once and it’s…overwhelming.”

“Everything?” That was pretty big net that Jared had cast, and Jensen hoped that he would—that he _could_ —pare it down to specifics.

“Just--I—it’s—” Jared huffed in frustration, and as he struggled with an explanation Jensen could practically feel him begin to clam up again. “I’m fine, Jen. Just, you know, a lot has happened and a lot of has changed in the last six months, and…I’m exhausted from work.”

“Jay…”

“Really, Jen. I’m fine. I’m just glad we have a long break. Gives me time to recharge and whatnot,” Jared smiled at him, but it was fake, a stony front hidden behind bright, cheerful paint that Jensen couldn’t seem to scrape away.

“Okay, I won’t push,” Jensen ceded. “Just promise me something?”

“What?”

“When we go to bed tonight, don’t stay so far away.” Jared smiled sadly and looked away guiltily.

“I’m sorry about that. I thought that maybe you needed some space.” _Lie_ , Jensen thought, but right now was really not the time for that.

“Jay, I will _never_ need space from you. Okay?”

“You don’t know that.”

“Umm…” Jensen tapped his chin, pretending to think long and hard, “nope, I’m pretty sure I know that.”

“Jen…”

“Jay. Would you feel any different?” And fuck, Jensen suddenly thought that maybe it was _Jared_ who needed the space but was just trying to spare Jensen’s feelings.

“No,” Jared answered. “I wouldn’t. I don’t.” Jensen breathed a sigh of relief and gathered Jared into a hug.

“Let’s have a good time this week, okay? We’ll worry about everything else later.”

“I think I can do that.” Jared words were muffled, his face smashed against Jensen’s neck.

“Am I suffocating you?” Jensen asked. He really didn’t want to move.

“Yes, but I don’t mind dying this way.”

“Jay,” Jensen said, pulling back immediately, but he was met with a brilliant grin from Jared, dimples back and cuter than ever. He poked one, unable to resist as if felt like he hadn’t seen them in forever.

“I love your dimples,” he murmured, leaning forward and kissing each one. _I love you._

“I love your freckles,” Jared whispered back, tracing a path along Jensen’s cheek. _I love you, too._

“Why don’t you go take a shower? Showers always make me feel better.”

“Mmm. Good idea,” Jared murmured. He stood up, giving Jensen a quick squeeze. As he walked past, Jensen smacked his ass lightly.

“Jen!” Jared yelped; the blush coloring his cheeks was unbelievable tempting to Jensen. He winked and Jared’s blush deepened as he backed towards the bathroom, not giving Jensen another chance at his backside.

Jensen chuckled. Moments like this reminded him of just how innocent the kid still was sometimes. He worried his bottom lip, mentally putting a plan together of how to make this the best Christmas ever for his amazing boyfriend.

It only took a few minutes before he had phase one worked out. He hurried downstairs, hoping that Jared’s shower was a long one. He pulled aside Donna and Sherri, who had arrived with Gerry just a few minutes ago. He summarized (very, _very_ vaguely) the events of the last few days before laying out the first part of his plan. Donna’s eyes lit up when Jensen told them what he needed, and she dragged him up to the attic to the extra Christmas decorations that she’d decided not to put up this year.

There was one full box dedicated to exactly what Jensen needed, and he carried it down and stashed it in the guest room where Jared wouldn’t find it. He went back to his room to check on his boyfriend, and when Jared heard the shower still running and Jared singing loudly off-key, he knew he had a few more minutes to get things ready.

His mom and Sherri helped him so that it would go faster, and when they were finished, there were little sprigs of mistletoe hanging inconspicuously throughout nearly every room in the house.

 _Perfect_ , Jensen thought as he finished hanging the last one from the ceiling above their bed and heard the shower finally stop. He jumped off the bed and grabbed the first book he saw, sitting down on the bed with his back against the headboard as he opened it to a random page and tried to look casual. Jared emerged from the bathroom a second later, steam billowing out behind him. Jensen glanced up automatically, like he couldn’t _not_ look at his boyfriend whenever he entered a room. Though Jensen was pretty sure most people had that reaction.

Jared’s tan skin—which Jensen could see plenty of thanks the towel slung low on his hips being his only covering—was still damp, tantalizing droplets trailing here and there down his chest and melting into the towel. He wet hair was combed back and away from his face, making him look a few years older, less like a goofy, cuddly puppy and more like a…a… _God_ , Jensen could barely think with Jared standing there smirking at him like that.

“Whatcha reading?” he asked, nodding towards the book that was currently trying to make an escape from Jensen’s loose grip.

“Oh, uh…” Jensen shut to book quickly and glanced at the cover, flushing when he realized that not only had he been holding the book upside down, but that it was called _Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding_. “Yeah, just…” He cleared his throat and tossed the book aside, making a mental note to ask his dad why they even _owned_ that book, let alone why it was in his old room.

While Jensen had been staring shock-shelled at the book, Jared had snuck over to the dresser and managed to get on some boxers and jeans before Jensen looked back up. He pouted when he saw that his boyfriend was no longer clad in just a towel, and Jared laughed at his expression.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Considering how much mistletoe the house was now strewn with, Jensen was amazed that it took almost four hours before he caught Jared underneath one.

“Oh, look you guys,” Megan gasped, having been let in on the plan earlier that day, “you’re under the mistletoe!” Jared glanced up, and while he was distracted Jensen raised up on his toes and placed a smacking kiss on Jared’s lips.

Jared jumped back a little in surprise, but Jensen didn’t take it personally. So far, they’d been extremely careful with holding back on the PDA, since neither of them were ready to come out, especially since they weren’t sure how it would affect the show.

And even though everyone in both families knew about and were extremely supportive of them being a couple, they still hadn’t really shown much affection towards each other while around their families. So the kiss surprised Jared, and his reaction made Jensen laugh. He stepped forward and kissed Jared’s shocked face again, keeping it short and tongue-free in front of their parents.

“Jensen!” Jared hissed, blushing and glancing towards where everyone was sitting.

“Jared, it’s not like they don’t know about us,” Jensen pointed out.

“I know,” Jared muttered, “but…”

“Besides, my mom and yours both helped me put up all the mistletoe while you were showering.” Jared looked up, alarmed.

“ _All_ the mistletoe?”

“Oh yeah,” Jensen smirked, voice low. “You’ll see.” Jared blushed again and rolled his eyes, muttering about Jensen being an idiot and trying to hide a smile as he headed to the living room. Jensen followed happily; he definitely didn’t try to hide his own grin.

When they crawled into bed that night, Jensen rolled to his side and began placing affectionate kisses all over Jared’s face.

“Jen?” Jared asked, scrunching his nose in confusion. Jensen pulled back, frowning a little. Just the fact that Jared was questioning this small action made his heart fracture a bit. Because before the last week, this would have been completely normal. Which meant Jared had been affected in ways Jensen hadn’t even considered.

But instead of dragging all that shit out when they’d promised to set it aside for the rest of break and simply enjoy Christmas, Jensen just smiled and pointed up to the mistletoe that hung right above the head of their bed.

“Jensen,” Jared sighed, but he didn’t sound frustrated or put out; in fact, he sounded downright thankful.

“Before the end of the day tomorrow,” Jensen said, resuming laying kisses all over Jared in between each word, “I’m going to make sure I’ve kissed you under every single mistletoe inside this house. At least twice,” he added, before finally planting one on Jared’s lips. Jared caught Jensen before he could draw back, pulling him into a deeper kiss.

It was the first time Jensen had truly tasted his boyfriend in two whole days, and okay, maybe two days wasn’t considered _that_ long to most people. Hell, they’d gone longer when one or both of had to go out of town. But this was different; they’d been together the entire time, never more one room apart. Jensen didn’t realize how much he’d missed this connection until now, and he melted against Jared, not a molecule of air between their tee shirt-clad chests.

“Baby,” Jensen murmured, stroking a hand through Jared’s hair, working out all the knots that had formed there throughout the day. It was one of his favorite things to do at night, using his fingers to comb Jared’s hair. Jared might have been generous with his hugs around people he liked, but _no one_ except Jensen got to touch Jared’s tresses like this. “Love you so much, no matter what.” It was barely more than a breath against Jared’s lips, but he knew his boyfriend had heard him loud and clear.

A tear trickled down Jared’s cheek and Jensen used his free hand to brush it away softly. He didn’t tell him not to cry; the last few crazy-emotional months had really taught Jensen a lot, both about himself and Jared. And one thing he was certain of was that Jared was allowed to feel whatever emotions he was feeling, and Jensen would _never_ tell him not to express those emotions. If Jared needed to cry, even just a tear or two, then Jensen would be there to kiss away the tears stains after they fell.

“Tired?” he whispered, and Jared nodded, finally closing his eyes. “Sleep, babe. Mac might not be a little kid anymore, but she still manages to wake up before sunrise on Christmas, and _then_ makes sure everyone else is awake, too.” Jared chuckled, eyes still closed, and Jensen was elated that, at least for tonight, Jared would be able to fall asleep with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might do a (short) time jump next chapter. Still haven't decided yet...
> 
> Comments and kudos make my world go round ❤


	27. Fireworks

Jensen remembered when he was little, when fireworks were reserved for the Fourth of July and that was it. Once a year, people would cross state lines to buy the most awe-inspiring fireworks that they could (semi-legally) get their hands on.

Now, Jensen felt like he saw fireworks everywhere, all the time. He hated it, the increasing prevalence making them less…special.

But on New Year’s Eve, with an unseasonably warm evening and Jared plastered to his side, as multi-colored fireworks lit up the night sky, all Jensen could think was how beautiful they looked throwing stuttering beams of light across Jared’s face turned towards the heavens.

The clock stuck midnight and he kissed the love of his life, knowing that 2006 would be the best year yet. No matter what happened, no matter what shit he would inevitably have to face, he knew that his lips pressed flush against Jared’s was the only way he would want to ring in a new year ever again.


	28. Deja-Vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What the fuck are you doing here?” he hissed, jerking away from the man and backing towards the door. The guy’s smile was as wicked and slimy as ever as he slowly stepped towards Jensen. “ _How_ the fuck are you even here?”

The following two months were a stark contrast to drama-riddled months of before. They sailed by quickly and smoothly and Jensen thanked his lucky stars every day that started and ended with sweet smiles and lazy kisses.

And yet…

Jensen’s anxiety was still rubbing at the edges of his mind, looking for cracks or torn seams where it could slither through. He felt it there, and he tried to ignore it. Not giving it the attention it so desperately desired, even if that attention was simply to tell it to fuck off. Nope, Jensen was done with that shit.

And then the worst thing that could happen, happened.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was February, less than a week away from his 28th birthday. This time last year, Jensen never would’ve dreamed that he’d be spending it in Canada, shooting a TV show that he was a lead on, and working with the best damn coworker in the world who also happened to be the best damn boyfriend in the world.

And, oh yeah, he was head over fucking heels in love with said boyfriend and wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

Despite everything that had happened, Jensen couldn’t deny that things were damn good.

For the last four days, Jared had been excited, even more so than usual. On a normal day, he was like an overeager, too-easy-to-love puppy, the kind who wagged his tail so hard his butt would wiggle back and forth. But this last week, he had been bouncing-off-the-walls, did-you-raid-the-candy-store? hyper. It was intense, even for Jared.

It had started the day a package arrived at his front door. It was one of those rare afternoons where they were actually at home instead of on set, and Jensen had come by Jared’s place…about three days before. He just hadn’t yet gotten around to going back to his own apartment. Jared was outside with his dogs, letting them take care of business. Jensen wasn’t with them because hello, it was still February in Vancouver. He was in love, not crazy.

So Jensen signed for the small box that the UPS guy handed him without a second glance, shut the door quickly against the frigid wind, and headed to the kitchen to dig out a box cutter.

Just as he was slicing through the last taped edge, Jared came trampling back in, followed closely by his mutts. The tips of his hair were frozen because he’d had the genius idea to take the dogs out right after his shower. (“Jay, if you go out there like that you’re gonna get sick.” “Please, Jen, I’ve got an immune system made of steel.” “Fine, but if you catch a cold I’m not making you soup.” “I thought the whole point of giving a sick person soup was to make them feel better, not worse?” “Are you bagging on my cooking? _Really_?” “Noooo, I would never!”)

“Whatcha got?” Jared asked, pouring out some food for the dogs.

“I dunno, it has your name on it,” Jensen replied, pulling open the lids of the box just to have them slammed closed again by Jared’s hand.

“No!”

“Whoa, sheesh! What’s the big deal? We open each other’s mail all the time.”

“Jen,” Jared said, breathing a little hard from the rush of adrenaline, “it’s…a secret, okay?”

“A secret, eh?” Jensen asked, eyeing Jared closely. “Do I need to worry?”

“I doubt that,” Jared said, picking the box up gingerly and cradling it close to his body, as if he thought Jensen was going to lunge forward and snatch it away from him. “I’m just gonna…yeah,” he said, turning away and darting down the hall. When he returned less than a minute later, the box was gone.

Ever since that day, it was like Jared had itching powder in his pants, not able to sit still for more than ten seconds. When Jensen finally called him out on it, all he said was, “You’ll have to wait until March 1st.” Which meant whatever had been in that box was Jensen’s birthday present, and he’d almost accidentally ruined the surprise.

Two days before Jensen’s birthday, Mike and Tom and Chris and Steve and even Jason showed up at Jared’s place.

“Holy shit!” Jensen yelled when he saw them. “What the fuck are y’all doing here?!”

“Came here to see you, birthday boy,” Mike replied. Jensen looked over to Jared, who was wearing a shy smile.

“I called them all to see if they could come up for your birthday. Obviously it wasn’t a problem for Tom and Mike,” he said. They were working on Smallville, which still filmed in Vancouver. So yeah, it had probably only been a twenty-minute drive for them. “And Chris and Steve had a break and Jason…well, yeah. You get the gist,” he trailed off, looking away and blushing.

“Aww, baby!” Jensen cooed, sliding over to Jared and pulling him into a kiss. “Thank you,” he whispered against his skin. “This means so much to me.” Jared’s hands rubbed soothingly along Jensen’s back as they lost themselves in each other. A sharp cough pulled them back.

“So as much as we’re enjoying this free show,” Jason said with a smirk, “I thought we were goin’ out?”

“Hell yeah!” Mike called, and with everyone’s urging Jensen pulled on his shoes and jacket, Jared right behind him, and they headed out to paint the town red.

They did a little bit of bar hopping before dinner at Jensen’s favorite burger place, then hit up two more bars before landing at Leroy’s.

“Go on in, Jen,” Tom said after they got out of the cab, “we have to take care of something real quick.”

“And what would that be?” Jensen quirked an eyebrow in amusement.

“Don’t be a party pooper, Jen,” Jared pouted. “Just go in and start a tab.” He pulled out a credit card and handed it to Jensen. “And don’t even fucking think about paying for it yourself. It’s your birthday, so drinks are on us.”

“Fine, fine,” Jensen grumbled. He looked around, the sidewalk surprisingly empty for the time of day it was, then reached up and gave Jared a quick peck on the lips. “If you’re lucky tonight, there’ll be much more where that came from,” he murmured in his boyfriend’s ear, slapping his ass and then hustling inside before Jared could say anything.

Unsure of what the other guys wanted to drink, and not wanting their drinks to get warm if they took more than five minutes outside, Jensen decided to order only for himself. He sidled up to the bar and looked around, trying to decide on a drink. As the bartender passed in front of him with a White Russian, Jensen felt his mouth start to water. His sudden craving for the drink took him by surprise; he hadn’t ordered it since that one fateful night.

But tonight was a _good fucking night_. He had his friends, he had his boy, and if there was ever a time to break away from any lingering associations between that specific drink and what had happened, well, it couldn’t get better than tonight.

He grabbed a large booth far away from the constantly-opening and closing door and waited for his friends to get their asses inside.

He finished his drink as well as a glass of water and they still hadn’t come in. _Seriously, what are they doing? Building me a fucking car out of scrap metal?_ Jensen thought. He sighed, realizing he had to go pee. He didn’t want to vacate the booth in case it got snatched away while he was taking care of business, but that glass of water had gone straight to his bladder.

He finally relented, dragging himself off the seat and towards the bathrooms. The bar was big enough that the bathroom had several stalls instead of being just a single toilet, but there were only three stalls and one sink so it was still fairly small.

After a quick pee, he stumbled out of the tiny stall and straight into someone.

“Oh, sor—” he started to say, then froze when the person’s face finally registered. Because he would _never_ forget that face, no matter how drugged he had been the last time he’d seen it.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he hissed, jerking away from the man and backing towards the door. The guy’s smile was as wicked and slimy as ever as he slowly stepped towards Jensen. “ _How_ the fuck are you even here?”

“Well apparently someone forgot to go back to the station and press charges,” he said with a chuckle. Jensen felt his stomach drop at the realization, and then the eerily familiar feeling of slogging through parasite-infested mud hit him. Except this time he hadn’t been drugged, he was sure of that. Nope, he’d just been trapped in the bathroom by his would-be rapist.

It was like deja-vu: same bar, same nasty assailant, fuck, even the same fucking _drink_. He reached for the door handle and the guy lunged forward, simultaneously holding the door closed and trapping Jensen between the wall and his arms.

“Fuck you,” Jensen spat. He was not going down without a fight, and this time? Jensen had the advantage.

The idiot really was an old dog who couldn’t seem to learn new tricks, because after forcing Jensen back against the wall, he started in on some whacked-out monologue just like he had the previous time. Jensen used the distraction to pull his phone out, relieved that he’d (for some unknown reason) stashed it in the back pocket of his jeans. He flipped it open and thanked whatever deity that was listening that he had programmed Jared to speed dial number one. It only took two quick presses of the buttons before the call went through. And if he knew his boyfriend—and he sure as hell did—then there was no way Jared would ignore a call from him, especially tonight.

Even though Jensen couldn’t hear what was happening through the line, he knew when Jared had answered. Like that internal divining rod that had always led Jensen to Jared no matter the room size or number of people or whatever, it was now telling him, _Yes, your boyfriend answered the phone. No, he doesn’t think you accidentally butt-dialed him. Yes, he knows something is wrong_.

Jensen swallowed thickly, deciding to take a chance. If he yelled something loud enough for Jared to hear, he would certainly break the crazy person in front of him out of his rambling, which meant the confrontation would come to a head much quicker. However, if he didn’t say anything, Jared wouldn’t have any idea what was going on.

But Jensen would _always_ place his bets on Jared.

“Shut the fuck up!” Jensen screamed, because there was a bar full of people right outside that door, and the bigger the commotion, the more likely he was to attract people. He didn’t have any room to pull back for a punch, so instead he went for the tried-and-true method: kneeing the guy as hard as physically possible in the balls.

The guy immediately dropped to his knees, but his fingers were like claws as they dragged down Jensen’s jaw and neck. The sudden, sharp pain in such a sensitive spot made him wince and lose focus, and in that time the guy swept his arm out against Jensen’s legs, bringing Jensen to the ground next to him.

“Mouthy little fucker,” the guy crowed, crawling towards Jensen. Jensen reeled back and shot a foot out, connecting with the guy’s forehead.

“You’re pretty fucking lame when you don’t have roofies with you,” Jensen bellowed. The guy snarled and grabbed Jensen by the calves, his anger and adrenaline giving him the strength to drag Jensen across the tiled floor.

“Keep sweet talkin’ me,” he whispered, “it really gets me going.”

“Sick fuck,” Jensen spat, trying to untangle his legs. Unfortunately, the guy was up and on his feet before Jensen was, and he towered over Jensen, getting in a few swift kicks before Jensen started laughing. The guy stopped, foot in midair, and looked at Jensen like he was somehow the crazy one.

“What?” he hissed, confusion obvious.

“You are such a fucking idiot,” Jensen gasped, pulling himself to his feet while the guy stood there stunned. Jensen punched him in the face, the guy falling back against the wall of the stall. He bounced back quickly enough and returned the right hook. Jensen took it to the jaw, the same one that had four long scratches bleeding red through his weekend stubble. It stung like a bitch, but it was still less incapacitating than a black eye or a busted nose.

“Stop! Stop laughing!” the guy demanded, Jensen’s reaction making him hesitate.

“Don’t you…wanna ask me…why I’m laughing?” Jensen panted. He never thought that going a one-minute round in a bar bathroom brawl would have him as out of breath as running a 5K. Granted, part of that might be caused by the blows his ribs had taken.

“Why?” the guy asked, leaning back for another punch.

“’Cause,” Jensen gasped in between choked laughter, “I’m not alone, you bitch.”

And like his life was fucking movie, the door was kicked open, frame splintering and sending wood chips slicing through the air. In rushed Jared, Jason, and Chris, with the other three crowding in behind as best as the limited space allowed. Jensen’s attacker backed up two inches before his back was against the metal stall again. His eyes darted from face to face, his snarl quickly fading to a grimace of fear.

Jensen kept laughing.

And laughing.

And laughing…

“Jensen! Hey, Jen! Look at me!” The words were hard to hear, someone right next him was laughing way too loud.

Oh.

That was still him.

“Fuck, he’s freaking out!” That was Jared, Jensen was sure. “Baby, calm down. You’re okay now!”

“Maybe slap him, it might jerk him out of it?” said another voice. Mike. What a fucker.

“I’m not gonna fucking slap him! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Jared again. “Jen, baby, breathe. Calm down, you’re okay. No one’s gonna hurt you, okay? You’re safe now.”

Jensen felt warm hands card through his hair, down the nape of his neck and past his shoulder blades. The hand disappeared from his back and gentle fingers brushed against the scratches on his face and neck.

“Baby,” Jared whispered, choking back a sob. And somehow that soft, heartwrenching sound was what snapped Jensen out of his fugue.

“Jay?”

“Yeah, Jen. I’m here.”

“Good.” Jensen felt himself nodding. He knew Jared would be there, just like he was there the last time and for all the little things in between. “What terrific birthday,” he muttered, closing his eyes against Jared’s neck. Jared let out a strangled laugh.

“I have a feeling it’ll get better,” he murmured into Jensen’s hair.

“As long as you’re there,” Jensen said.

“Always.”

They spent another moment in silence, until Jensen’s knees started hurting from kneeling for too long on the cold, hard tile.

“Gotta stand up,” he said. Jared rose first, steadily pulling Jensen with him. As he straightened out, he gasped in pain, bending forward and clutching at his side.

“Fuuuuck,” he groaned.

“What? What’s wrong?” Jared sounded panicked as he ran his hands over Jensen’s body looking for some fatal injury. As he skimmed Jensen’s ribs, Jensen sucked in a sharp breath, pain intensifying.

“Kicked me,” he said after he caught his breath. Jared rubbed his hand over Jensen’s forehead, cleaning off some sweat.

“He kicked you?”

“A couple ‘a times.”

“Hospital?” Jensen shook his head, but as he tried to stand to full height again, the stabbing ache got worse.

“Jus’…help me to the car.”

“Jen, we took a cab here.”

“Then call a cab!”

“Jensen…”

He looked up into Jared’s face, twisted in distress.

“I’m sorry. ‘m fine. Please, I just wanna go home?” He knew his voice sounded small; he didn’t do it on purpose, would never manipulate Jared like that. But Jared’s face smoothed out a little as he nodded his head and took Jensen by the elbow.

“Okay, Jen. We can go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos, baby, comments and kudos  
> ❤❤❤


	29. Fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Let’s just see how I’m feeling tomorrow?” Jensen said, not meaning for it to come out like a question, like he was asking Jared’s permission. Because if Jared forced the issue, Jensen would eventually cave. Besides, he definitely needed Jared’s help getting ready for—and getting _into_ —bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how this fic became me turning Jensen into a punching bag. Poor baby. But fluffier times are on the very near horizon, I promise.
> 
> And then Jared will get his fair share of angst ;)

Jared called a taxi, and thank god it was a Saturday and the bars were still open for a few more hours because it only took a three and a half minutes (Jensen counted the seconds under his breath, trying to distract himself from the pain in his ribs) to get there. During the seventeen-minute drive home, Jared made a few phone calls while Jensen slumped against his boyfriend’s side, not listening to the words, just letting the steady rumbling of his voice drown out the one screaming in his own head.

The short walk from the cab up the four stairs to the front door of Jared’s rental home took an embarrassingly long time, and when Jensen was finally at the top he leaned forwards, hands on his knees, wheezing like he’d just sprinted up the steps in front of the Philly Museum of Art a la Rocky Balboa. He could feel Jared’s eyes on him, assessing him, but he couldn’t bear to look up and meet that gaze, because he knew Jared would see right through him. Through to what, Jensen wasn’t sure. He hadn’t yet had the time _or_ energy _or_ desire _or_ discipline to dig out that admittedly shallow revelation. Jared didn’t push, thankfully, just opened the door and helped Jensen inside, hand gripping his elbow. When the mutts didn’t attack Jensen, he figured one of those calls Jared had made in the cab must have been to the doggy sitter. For that thoughtfulness, Jared received three quick pecks on the cheek.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“Dogs,” Jensen grunted.

“Well, they love you and get so excited when you come over. Not that I understand,” Jared said, bending down to help remove Jensen’s shoes, “since you’re here nearly as much as I am, and they never greet _me_ with that kind of enthusiasm.” He stood back up and was smiling.

He hung up both their coats—and once again, Jensen thanked whoever was up above that he hadn’t needed to put it on before leaving Leroy’s. Not to mention his relief at having only worn a button-up under his jacket. If it had been any type of pullover, he probably would’ve had to ask Jared to cut him out of it, which would _definitely_ raise a handful of questions that Jensen didn’t want to answer until tomorrow.

“So I called Ashley to take the dogs for a few days.”

Huh? Oh. Right. They’d been talking about that. Jensen opened his eyes—unsure as to when he’d closed them—and smiled. Well, he _tried_ to smile, but he was fairly certain it came out more like a grimace.

“You sure you’re okay?” Jared asked, eyes roaming almost clinically over Jensen’s body, cataloging every visible scratch and bruise. He knew Jared was itching to reach out and touch, run his hand over every inch of his body to take better inventory of where he was hurt, but he was glad Jared refrained. The fucking air molecules against Jensen’s skin were already too much pressure.

“Yeah, totally,” Jensen said. He tried to keep his voice at its normal, steady timber. “A bottle of Tylenol and a nap that Rip Van Winkle would be jealous of and I’ll be good to go.”

“Well I’d prefer if you didn’t fall asleep for two decades, but if we went to the _hospital_ , I could probably get you a morphine drip. Way better than some measly Tylenol, right?”

“Let’s just see how I’m feeling tomorrow?” Jensen said, not meaning for it to come out like a question, like he was asking Jared’s permission. Because if Jared forced the issue, Jensen would eventually cave. Besides, he definitely needed Jared’s help getting ready for—and getting _into_ —bed.

“Okay,” Jared sighed. “Come on. Let’s get cleaned up. You want a shower or bath?”

“Shower,” Jensen answered immediately.

It only took five minutes to get Jensen out of his shirt, jeans, boxers, and socks, which he considered a win. It only took Jared ten seconds to remove his own clothes, which made Jensen reevaluate his idea of a ‘win’. He expected the shower to hurt, the droplets to feel like pellets being hurled at him. Instead, the hot water soothed his muscles and released the tension from his body. As he relaxed and loosened up, he noticed the pain receding a bit. Jared skimmed the soap-lathered loofah over Jensen’s body, barely ghosting over his ribs. It felt good, getting rid of the invisible grit and grime that clung to him just from being in the same room as the attacker.

“Want me to wash your hair?” Jared asked, and Jensen nodded. Thirty seconds later, he was practically purring in bliss from the soapy scalp massage. It was over way too quickly, and Jared did a cursory shampoo on himself before shutting the water off and helping Jensen out.

Toweling off was not nearly as enjoyable, and by the time he was dry and back in the bedroom, all the relief the shower had offered was gone, and Jensen was grinding his molars together so hard to keep from whimpering in pain that he knew his dentist would have a word with him at his next checkup.

For the first time ever, Jared’s low-to-the-ground bed did not look inviting, but Jensen got in somehow. _Bend with your legs, bend with your legs, use those thighs muscles_ , he chanted to himself. He landed hard, letting out a pained “Oomphf!” in the process.

“Jen? You okay?”

“Mhmm,” Jensen squeaked. He looked around, seriously doubting his ability to actually lay down, but Jared was there, warm hand on his back to hold Jensen’s weight as he leaned back and swiveled his legs up onto the mattress.

“I uh, I guess I should have given this to you before you laid down,” Jared said with a wince, holding out a glass of water and some pills.

“Got a straw or somethin’?” Jensen was breathless again, not bothering to hide it.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Jared disappeared and returned a minute later. He helped guide the straw to Jensen’s mouth then tipped the pills in. Jensen felt like a baby bird getting fed regurgitated food from its parent.

“You didn’ chew those up for me,” he giggled. Jared looked at him in confusion, eyebrows scrunching together and lips turning down in a small frown. Okay, so maybe the pain was making Jensen mildly delirious. “Come t’ bed,” he slurred, patting the mattress next to him. Jared turned off the bathroom and bedroom lights and slid in next to Jensen, careful to leave a small space between their bodies. Jensen missed the warmth, the cuddling, Jared’s octopus limbs that usually ended up wrapped around Jensen at some point in the middle of the night, but his ribs fucking _hurt_ , and he was grateful for the space.

“You scared me,” Jared whispered, running his fingers through Jensen’s damp hair. And that felt good, very good. His scalp was the only thing on his body that didn’t seem to set nerves on fire. Jared’s hand left his hair and he gently traces the scratches on Jensen’s face and neck. “God, Jen…”

“A werewolf got me,” Jensen said sleepily.

“Huh?”

“The show. The scratches. Can say…a werewolf got me.”

“Sure, Jen. We can do that.” Jensen smiled triumphantly.

“I get your Smarties.”

“Hmm?”

“I get your Smarties,” Jensen sang under his breath, “and ev’ryone else gets your Dum-Dums.’

“Okay,” Jared whispered, and began petting Jensen’s hair again.

“Candy and coffee. Jared and Jensen. Like Harry Potter,” Jensen rambled, and Jared left him to it. It made sense in Jensen’s head, but he didn’t know why he felt the need to vocalize his muddled thoughts, and he was pretty sure he was forgetting a few words. “He lived,” Jensen hummed, “I lived. I lived twice. ‘Cause you saved me. My patronus is a Jared.” Thinking about both of his attacks, he started laughing again, quiet but no less frenzied than it had been earlier. The laughing led to coughing and the coughing led to whimpering as pain flared through his body.

“Jensen,” Jared choked out, and Jensen opened his eyes—seriously, why did they keep closing without his permission?—to look at his boyfriend. His eyes were also closed, and Jensen wondered if they were as bad at obeying Jared’s brain as his own were. He reached out a shaking hand and brushed away the wet trails on Jared’s cheeks.

“Your eyes are leakin’,” he mumbled.

“I know,” Jared whispered back.

“Okay,” Jensen slurred, then passed out.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When he woke, it was still dark out. Or maybe it was dark out again. Jensen didn’t know, didn’t care, could only focus on the reason for him jolting awake so suddenly. Jared was plastered to his side like he was inclined to every other night, the small space he’d left between them earlier now just a distant memory. The comfort that Jared’s touch provided was almost enough to cancel out the pain that the weight of his arm slung across his chest was causing. Almost.

He nudged Jared with his elbow, but all that got him was Jared shifting in his sleep, which in turn caused Jensen to cry out in agony. The wrecked noise did a lot more to wake Jared up than the nudging.

“Jen? Whas ‘at?” Jensen whimpered as Jared rolled off him, the relief from the absence of Jared’s arm almost as excruciating as the weight itself.

“Jay.”

“Okay, I’m awake.” Jared yawned and rolled his neck before looking at Jensen. “Oh, shit,” he said, face falling. “I—fuck, Jen, did I hurt you?” Jensen grunted and tried to breathe through the pain.

“More Tylenol?”

“Ohh no. No no no. Hospital for you,” Jared said. He sat up and slid out of bed, dressing quickly.

“Don’t wanna,” Jensen whined.

“Okay. If you can get out of bed by yourself, I won’t make you go to the hospital.” Jensen glared at Jared before beginning the torturous climb out of bed. He struggled against the blankets, feeling like they weighed a ton. He was panting as he rolled onto his side with the intent of pushing up, but then Jared was there, arms wrapping around his shoulders as he helped pull Jensen to a seated position.

“You didn’t even give me a chance,” Jensen pouted, but there was no truth behind the flimsy façade. There was no room for anything but _painhurtacheagonypain_.

“Jensen,” Jared sighed, walking over and holding out a pair of sweatpants. He kneeled down and guided Jensen’s feet into the legs, pulling them up slowly but stopping at his upper thighs when the mattress got in the way.

“Uh, Jay? Kinda defeats the purpose of wearing these, dontcha think?” Jared rolled his eyes and smiled, then bit his lip. Jensen knew he felt guilty, smiling at something even though Jensen was in pain. No matter the whole point was to get Jared to smile, to lighten the situation just a little. Jared hurried back to the dresser, grabbing one of his oversized zip-up hoodies that was like a tent on Jensen. It was Jensen’s favorite, warm and cozy and always smelling like his boyfriend. Also, it was relatively easy to put on.

“Shoes, shoes,” Jared muttered to himself, digging through the closet and pulling out a pair of Jensen’s ratty old sneakers, ones he only kept in case he needed them for dirty, shoe-ruining activities. Jared grabbed a pair of socks and slid those on Jensen’s feet, followed easily by the shoes.

“Okay, we’re standing up now,” Jared said.

“I’m not five,” Jensen replied sullenly.

“Whatever you say, babe,” Jared said absently. He gripped Jensen tightly at his armpits and tugged him up in one smooth motion. It hurt like hell and finally silenced his continued argument about going to the ER. Jared grabbed a thick, fuzzy blanket from the couch on their way out, tucking it around Jensen once they were in the car.

The drive took forever and no time at all. They stumbled into the ER, Jared’s arm around his shoulders as Jensen hunched in on himself.

“Ribs?” the nurse at the front desk inquired immediately.

“Think so,” Jared answered. “Maybe some other stuff, too.”

“What happened?” she asked, stacking a pile of forms on a clipboard.

“He was attacked.”

“Just now?”

“A few hours ago, around ten.”

“You should have come here immediately,” she said gently.

“It’s complicated,” Jared replied, taking the clipboard with his free hand after signing Jensen in. “How long will it be?” The nurse typed quickly on her computer.

“As long as no one comes in with a heart attack or a severed artery, it shouldn’t be more than thirty minutes.” Jared nodded sharply.

“Thank god for Canadian healthcare, eh?” Jensen joked. Jared pursed his lips against Jensen’s temple before walking him over to some empty seats. The chairs hurt just looking at them, and Jensen wavered on whether sitting down and then having to stand back up again would be easier than trying to stand for half an hour.

“So, what are you thinking?” Jared asked, like he could hear Jensen’s internal debate. He shrugged, looking around the room and counting how many people were also waiting.

“Might as well sit,” he said with a sigh. Jared helped him down and he bit the inside of his cheek bloody trying to hold in any sounds of discomfort.

As Jensen’s luck would have it, twenty minutes later someone was brought in by ambulance. He could overhear the medics shouting stats to the doctors, and it sounded like the person had had a stroke. Which meant Jensen’s wait time increased.

He tried not to shift around too much as even the smallest of movements hurt, but his ass was starting to go numb from the dense, flattened cushion on the seat.

An hour later, Jensen was shown to an exam room. Jared followed him, warm hand on the small of his back. The touch helped to anchor Jensen, and he had a feeling that Jared needed it just as much.

As they waited for the doctor, Jensen finally took a good look at his boyfriend. Jared’s eyes were clouded and there were dark smudges under them; his shoulders sagged and his bottom lip was bitten raw.

“Jay, you should go home. Get some sleep. You look exhausted.”

“Don’t even, Jen. I am _not_ leaving you here alone.”

“Jared—”

“Jensen. I’m not going anywhere. Okay?”

“Fine,” Jensen relented.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

One broken rib, two more fractured. Severe bruising on his torso, but no internal bleeding. Luckily. A few scrapes and scratches that Jensen hadn’t noticed before. Mild concussion.

They drove home, Jared’s knuckles white from his tight grip on the steering wheel.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered twelve minutes into the drive.

“Wha—Jay! Not your fault!”

“Not just this… _everything_. God, Jen, since we started dating…how much shit have you gone through? It wasn’t like that before.”

“What are you saying?”

“Maybe I’m bad luck or something.” Jensen snorted, shook his head.

“ _Any_ of this could have happened regardless of whether or not we were dating. In fact, if you weren’t there, this shit could’ve been a whole hell of a lot worse. So don’t apologize, Jay. If anything, you deserve a million thank yous.” Jared’s lips twitched and his grip on the wheel relaxed slightly. They pulled into the driveway and made their way slowly into the house.

“All right,” Jensen said, rubbing his hands together, “let’s try out these painkillers.”


	30. Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had always been a struggle, letting those people in, letting them see beyond the walls. But Jared…god. Jared hadn’t pushed. He hadn’t taken a sledgehammer to the stones. It was like his atoms were the same as Jensen’s and Jared had just walked right through the walls, leaving no damage in his path. It scared Jensen shitless, at least at first, but now he was eternally grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little light on the plot but it'll pick back up again next chapter.

“JayJay. Jay babe. Baby Jay. Oooh, you could be a rapper! Baby Jay. ‘cept I’m th’ only one who gets t’ call you that! No! Jared, no. Don’t be a rapper!”

“Jensen. Calm down. What are you talking about?”

“You. You’re my baby Jay.” Jensen blinked sleepily up at Jared, who was hovering over him while Jensen laid in bed. “Why d’you getta be up but not me?” he pouted, words slurring. Jared reached down and began running his fingers through Jensen’s hair, causing his eyes to flutter closed.

“Mmm. Feels good. Like a cat. Purrrrr.”

“God, you are so high,” Jared whispered. “What did the hospital give you?”

“Dunno. Don’ care. M’ body doesn’ hurt no more.” He smiled lazily, enjoying the feel of Jared petting him. “Come t’ bed, baby Jay.”

“Only if you stop calling me baby Jay.”

“Kay. Jay. Jared. Mr. Pala---Pelcki—Pada—uhh. Your name is long. I’m sorry, oh god. You’re m’ boyfriend and I can’ say your name!”

“Shh, babe. It’s okay. You’re sick. Here, look. I’m laying down, okay? There you go, good Jensen. Gotta be careful, babe. I know your ribs don’t hurt right now but they’re still broken.”

“Snap crackle pop! That’s what he did. But you saved me, right Jay Jay?”

“You weren’t doing too shabby before I got there,” Jared murmured. His voice sounded raspy, and Jensen struggled to open his eyes again and make sure his boyfriend was okay.

“Can I tell you a secret?” He reached out and gently wiped off Jared’s wet cheeks.

“Yeah.” They were whispering now, like this moment was between them and nothing else, not even the walls.

“I was scared.” Jared bit his lip at Jensen’s confession, tears trailing down his cheeks again.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Jensen nodded, cupping Jared’s face in his hands. “So was I.”

“So even the knight is scared of the dragon?”

“Yes, Jen. But you’re not a damsel in distress.”

“I’m not?”

“No, Jen. You stood up to him, you fought him off. The cops aren’t letting him go this time. You saved yourself, I just…helped a little at the end.”

“D’you have a Jensen sixth sense, too?”

“Huh?”

“I have a sixth sense. ‘cept I don’ see dead people. I jus’ know where you are at all times. You got that too?” Jensen asked eagerly. Jared chuckled.

“Yeah, I think I do.”

“Good. I think that means we’re soulmates.”

“You think so?” Jared’s ran his fingers lightly over Jensen’s bare skin, skipping over the wrapping around his ribs.

“No. I know so.” Jared paused, leaned in and kissed Jensen hard.

“I love you. Get some rest.”

“ _You_ get some rest.”

“Okay.”

“Jay?”

“Hmm?”

“Love you too.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he staggered into the kitchen. A delicious smell wafting through the half-open door of Jared’s bedroom had finally dragged him out of bed to investigate. He made a beeline for his boyfriend, who had his back turned to Jensen and hadn’t heard him come in. Jensen crowded Jared against the counter and wrapped his arms around his stomach.

“Mornin’,” he said over a yawn.

“It’s four in the afternoon, babe,” Jared said, turning in Jensen’s arms and flashing bright smile. “Feeling better?”

“A little,” Jensen said with a shrug. “My ribs hurt but not as badly as they were.”

“I figured, when you stopped asking me for painkillers every three hours.”

“I did that?”

“You were pretty out of it.”

“Oh, god. What did I say?” Jared smirked and placed a peck on Jensen’s cheek.

“That’s between me and loopy Jen.”

“Meanie.”

“Would a meanie make your all-time favorite meal?”

“No—wait, why are you doing that?”

“Jen, it’s your birthday today.”

“God dammit.” Jensen let his forehead fall against Jared’s chest. “Worst birthday ever.”

“Hopefully not for long.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. But…are you feeling up for a shower? ‘Cause I love you, babe, but it’s been a few days and you were sweating quite a lot.”

“That bad, huh?”

“I’ve smelled worse.”

“I don’t even want to know.”

“No. You really don’t.” Jared tipped Jensen’s head up so he could gaze into his eyes. “Do you need help?”

“I think I’ll be okay.”

“Fine, just…call me if you need me. For _anything_. Okay?”

“Yes, mom.” Jensen turned and immediately got a sharp slap on his ass.

“Don’t call me mom.” Jensen looked over his shoulder at the heated look in Jared’s eyes.

“Don’t start things you can’t finish,” he said, one eyebrow raised, then hurried out of the kitchen before Jared could respond.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Duuuuude,” Jensen sighed, rubbing his slightly distended stomach, “I think you put a food baby in me.” He looked over to his boyfriend, who was blushing furiously. “What? What’d I say?”

“Nothin’,” Jared muttered, avoided Jensen’s piercing stare.

“Jared, it’s my birthday! You gotta tell me!”

“Nope.”

“Yep.”

“It’s weird.”

“I like weird.”

“It’s not cute weird.”

“You’re pretty cute so I think anything you do automatically qualifies as being cute as well.”

“Don’t you want your present?”

“Is my present you telling me what you were thinking about?” Jensen asked hopefully.

“No. It’s better.” Jared pulled a small box from beside his chair and handed it to Jensen. “Don’t shake it,” he said warningly.

“Ohhhkay, I won’t.” Jensen looked at his boyfriend for a long moment before turning his attention to the gift. He shamelessly tore through the wrapping paper in record time, revealing an unmarked white box. He opened it, revealing another box. This one was very much not plain, though, and when Jensen realized what he was looking at, his head shot up in surprise.

“Jay! Are you—are you fucking serious?!”

“Of course.”

“H—how the hell did you know?”

“Believe it or not, Jen, but when you talk I do actually listen,” Jared said with a chuckle.

“Oh my god. You are the best boyfriend in the entire world!” Jensen exclaimed, setting the box carefully on the table before lunging for Jared.

“Jen! Stop!” Jared cried. “Your ribs!” Jensen froze mid-lunge, a pout replacing his smile.

“This sucks.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. Just…make it up to me later, okay? Lots of blowjobs and shower sex.”

“I can definitely do that.” Jensen grinned and sat back down. He picked up the director’s viewfinder, studying every inch of writing on the box before gently opening it. “Thank you, Jay,” he whispered, glancing up and catching Jared’s proud smile.

“You deserve it, Jen. You deserve everything.” Jensen set the viewfinder down again and stood up, slowly this time. He beckoned Jared forward, kissing him deep and sweet.

“Thank you. But I only need _you_.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Filming was suspended for two weeks after Jensen’s attack, but Eric called them, apology in his voice as he told them that they couldn’t postpone it any longer. It was the last month of filming and they didn’t have the time or flexibility to rework everything. So halfway through March, Jared and Jensen returned to set. Jensen’s stunt double picked up a lot of the slack, filming anything remotely physical while Jensen was there for the subdued scenes and closeups.

Jared hovered around him like a mother hen, and Jensen wanted to be annoyed. Hell, if it had been anyone else, he probably would have cussed them out at that point. But it wasn’t anyone else. It was _Jared_. Boyfriend extraordinaire, with the most earnest expressions and pleading eyes that Jensen could never say no to. Plus, the smile that formed on Jared’s face and the alluring dimples that appeared every time Jensen let him coddle him? Totally worth it.

Jensen had put up walls, so many walls, first when he realized he was gay, and later when he moved to Hollywood. A few people had managed to get through them, to varying degrees. His best friends, like Chris Kane and Steve Carlson and Jason Manns. Other people, like Mike Rosenbaum and Tom Welling, and even Michael Weatherly, though it’d been a few years since Jensen had left Dark Angel and they didn’t keep in touch regularly.

It had always been a struggle, letting those people in, letting them see beyond the walls. But Jared…god. Jared hadn’t pushed. He hadn’t taken a sledgehammer to the stones. It was like his atoms were the same as Jensen’s and Jared had just walked right through the walls, leaving no damage in his path. It scared Jensen shitless, at least at first, but now he was eternally grateful.

Which was why Jensen didn’t so much as roll his eyes when Jared had asked one of the PAs to find a more comfortable chair for Jensen, instead of making him struggle to get in and out of his director’s chair. Or why he didn’t pout when Jared walked him, arm securely around his back, to his trailer after a coughing fit had left his chest twinging. Why Jensen didn’t argue when Jared told him to take a nap. (He tried to plead with Jared to join him, though. He was human, after all.)

And okay, Jensen had popped an extra pain pill before his first day back on set, and maybe he was feeling it, silently waxing poetic about his boyfriend and walls and shit.

Maybe he did need a nap.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

For the last two weeks of filming, they were on set every day trying to make up for lost time. Jensen spent most of his free time in either his or Jared’s trailer, usually sleeping or laying on the couch, watching a movie.

They’d brought Jeffrey Dean Morgan back for the last two episodes, which meant Jensen and Jared didn’t have quite as many scenes to film as usual. It also gave Jared someone to talk to when Jensen wasn’t around, which Jensen was mostly grateful for. Maybe a little jealous, too, but Jared didn’t need to know that. It wasn’t like Jensen would be getting into a fistfight over Jared’s virtue anytime soon. It’s not like Jared even _needed_ Jensen to fight for him.

And Jeff might not be privy to Jensen and Jared’s relationship status, but he wasn’t stupid. Jensen knew Jeff could sense something was different, and he thankfully kept his jokes (and his hands) above the belt.

In mid-April, the final week of filming was flying by quickly and it seemed like every single person on set was waiting with bated breath, anxious to finally get the news on whether the show would be renewed or canceled. Everyone except Jared.

“How are you so blasé about this?” Jensen shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He was on the mend, feeling better every day, but the last long days of filming had put a strain on his still-weakened body. He was looking forward to hiatus.

“I’m not—Jen. I see you, you know? Do you need some painkillers?”

“What? No! Jay, no. I can barely function with those.”

“Jensen, the doctor said you should be fine with Tylenol by now.”

“Fine. But first, you have to answer my question.”

“Which was? Oh, right. I’m not being blasé about it, Jen. I’m just not worried because I know we’re gonna get renewed. The network would be stupid not to do it.”

“You’re putting a lot of faith in the network not being stupid, you know that?”

“Touché. But still. I know our ratings aren’t the highest but they’re not bad. And we’ve already developed a very… _passionate_ fanbase, which is unheard of for most shows in their first season.”

“I guess…”

Jared handed Jensen some Tylenol. He took it without comment, but when he was finished swallowing the water he was rewarded with a few strokes of Jared’s fingers through his hair. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, just enjoying each other’s company and taking in the pandemonium of the last few days on set.

“I think I’m gonna buy a house,” Jared said quietly.

“What? Where?”

“Here. If we get picked up for a second season, I wanna buy a house.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. And…um…”

“What, Jay?”

“Would you go house hunting with me?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Okay. Because I, uh…well, it’s important. That you like it, too.”

“Okay…”

“Just. Yeah. Okay.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two days later, Eric got the go-ahead for season two, and Jared immediately called his realtor.


	31. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Jensen,” Donna sighed, setting down her rolling pin that she’d been using to flatten out the third pie crust in the last week. (So maybe Jensen’s Jared-withdrawal was causing him to take on certain peculiar symptoms, like an increased appetite for sugar and a sudden urge to wear pink. God help him.) She brushed the loose flour off her hands and turned to her son, who was slumped pathetically on a barstool, forehead resting on the cool countertop of the kitchen island.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised you sweetness and fluff, right? Well, prepare the the oncoming toothache courtesy of the next few chapters.  
> ;)

“Jay, this is the thirteenth house we’ve looked at. Surely you liked _one_ of them?” Jensen said, hands on his hips as his foot tapped impatiently on the tile floor. Jared shrugged and spun in a slow circle. Jensen knew he was trying to imagine the kitchen with appliances and food and those ridiculous Nazgul salt and pepper shakers that Jared treated like they were Faberge eggs.

“What do you think?” Jared asked when he was facing Jensen again. Jensen huffed out a breath. He wasn’t annoyed that his boyfriend wanted to find the perfect house—after all, it was the first house Jared had ever bought. But Jared never offered Jensen a concrete reason for not liking all the seemingly-suitable houses they’d already toured. All twelve of them. Soon to be thirteen, if Jensen didn’t figure this out. He was worried they would run out of houses soon, which would be pretty impressive considering how big Vancouver was.

“Okay, let’s go down the checklist. That _I_ had to make for you,” Jensen said pointedly. “First, three rooms and three bathrooms, check. Big backyard for the mutts, check. Fairly new so you won’t have to worry about doing any work on it anytime soon, hopefully. Plenty of cabinets in the kitchen for all your food. Lots of windows. Check, check, and check.”

“And the smaller stuff?”

“Which is…?” Jared rolled his eyes and began spouting off his own list.

“Shower in the master bath is big enough for two people, and I don’t have to bend down to avoid smacking into the shower head. A wall in the living room that is big enough for a huge TV with minimal glare from the windows.” Jensen snorted but Jared ignored him. “A stove with gas burners instead of electric ones.”

“Jared,” Jensen interrupted, “you don’t even cook.”

“Yeah, but it’s the principle of the thing!” Jensen raised an eyebrow in amusement and tried not to smirk. “Anyways, continuing. A basement where I can put in my own home gym. Close to a park to take the dogs for a run. A big enough deck to fit a huge-ass grill and some outdoor furniture. Hardwood floors because dog hair is a bitch to get out of carpet. Oh, and somewhere in the yard that I can put a fire pit and—”

“Whoa, slow your roll. If you start getting too specific, you’re gonna end up having to _build_ a damn house. Second, everything you’ve said so far, this house has. So what’s the problem?” Jared shrugged again, biting his lip nervously.

“You don’t seem very excited about it,” he finally confessed.

“Jay, it’s _your_ house. I don’t want to influence your decision.”

“But your opinion is important to my decision!”

“Why?”

“Dude,” Jared said, shaking his head at Jensen. “I wanted it to be a surprise, but…I need you to love it just as much as I do because I was gonna, um, ask you to move in with me.” Jared’s cheeks flushed pink and he looked down in embarrassment. Jensen stood there dumbfounded.

“Oh,” he said stupidly.

“Oh?” Jared looked up, disappointment flitting across his face.

“I mean. Yes. _Yes_ , Jay, of course I want to move in with you.” Jensen smiled shyly and Jared launched himself forwards, picking Jensen up and swinging him around the empty room. “Put me down, sasquatch!” Jensen absolutely _did not_ shriek. He slapped Jared’s arm and Jared stopped spinning, letting Jensen slip down his body until his feet touched the floor.

“So is this one a yes?” Jensen asked. Jared nodded eagerly, smile wide and blinding, Jensen tipped his head up and planted a sloppy, elated kiss on his lips.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They were flying to London for a press event at the end of April, but that was still a week away. Jared admitted that his manager had been on him about being seen with Sandy in public, and he knew he couldn’t put it off anymore, so he flew to L.A. while Jensen flew home to Dallas.

Jensen had originally wanted to go back to L.A. as well (he did, after all, still own a house there), but Jared had told him, sad smile on his face, that if Jensen was there then he would spend every second with him and put off his fake-girlfriend publicity duties. Not that Jared wanted to do them in the first place, but he’d learned early on that is was easier to just put up a front for a few days every few months than deal with the alternative.

So Jared went to California and Jensen went home to Texas. Except…

It didn’t feel like home, not really. Sure, he hadn’t lived with his parents for a decade, but it had always been his default ‘home’. Even after he bought a house in L.A., his parents’ house was always _home_.

But now, with Jared three states away, his childhood bedroom felt unfamiliar.  There were no dogs running around, barking at 6am and leaving hair on his favorite cashmere sweater. There were no sounds of Jared dropping things in the kitchen or stubbing his toe for the five hundredth time on the coffee table in the living room. No clothes strewn across the armchair in the bedroom or stacked messily on top of the dresser (because apparently Jared could never take five extra seconds to actually open the drawers). His parents’ house smelled perpetually like fresh flowers from his mother’s garden and expertly cooked roast or succulent apple pie. But at their—no, _Jared’s_ —house, it smelled like fresh air from Jared leaving the windows open far longer than he should into winter. It smelled like burned toast (again, Jared’s fault) and Jensen’s favorite candles that Jared bought for him just as often as Jensen bought Jared candy. It smelled like Jared’s sweat and Jensen’s cologne and…

It smelled like home.

Jensen moped around his parents’ house for six days, Donna shooting him sympathetic looks while Alan chuckled softly under his breath.

“Jensen,” Donna sighed, setting down her rolling pin that she’d been using to flatten out the third pie crust in the last week. (So maybe Jensen’s Jared-withdrawal was causing him to take on certain peculiar symptoms, like an increased appetite for sugar and a sudden urge to wear pink. God help him.) She brushed the loose flour off her hands and turned to her son, who was slumped pathetically on a barstool, forehead resting on the cool countertop of the kitchen island.

“What?” Jensen whined. Donna cleared her throat and Jensen dragged his head up to pout at her. She was standing with her hands on her hips, head shaking back and forth in exasperation. She eyed him decisively and Jensen forced himself to meet her gaze.

“Why didn’t you go to L.A. with Jared, honey?” she finally asked, her soft voice devoid of the admonishment that Jensen was expecting.

“Because he told me not to,” Jensen said miserably.

“I’m sorry, _what now_?” Donna said, eyebrows shooting up in affronted disbelief.

“Mom, it’s not like that. He just…look, it’s complicated. You know who Sandy is, right?”

“Jared’s friend. They worked on a movie together a couple of years ago, right?”

“Yeah. But she’s more than that, kind of. She’s—they—okay. So It’s sort of difficult to be single for an extended amount of time in Hollywood without people getting…nosy. And Jared didn’t want potential casting directors and producers to know why he wasn’t dating. And he saw an opportunity with Sandy, because he needed a ‘girlfriend,’” Jensen made lazy air quotes, “and Sandy needed a little more visibility for her career. So they decided to fake-date.” Jensen shrugged as he ended the explanation, trying not to reveal his irrational jealousy.

He shouldn’t have worried, though, as Donna voiced his own inner displeasure.

“So…you’re telling me that Jared is running around Los Angeles pretending to be some girl’s boyfriend and acting like you’re, what, just some coworker?!”

“No, mom—”

“Jensen, that’s not fair to you!”

“ _I know_ , mom. But did you stop to think that it’s not fair to Jared either? That he hates putting up that facade? That we almost didn’t get together because for _months_ I thought that he and Sandy were a real couple?!” Jensen exploded in anger and Donna’s expression softened immediately.

“I’m sorry, honey.”

“Me too,” Jensen huffed, letting his head drop back down.

“When do you leave for London?”

“Two days.”

“Okay. Well, why don’t you go upstairs and take a nap? You look exhausted.”

“Mmkay,” Jensen murmured, even though he wasn’t particularly tired. Laying in bed all alone, being able to be miserable without any interruptions sounded like a good idea.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Late in the evening, as Jensen sat in the living room only half paying attention to the movie that was playing, the doorbell rang. Neither of his parents moved, so Jensen huffed out an annoyed sigh and shuffled over to the door and opened it.

Jared stood there, bags piled around his feet and an eager smile lighting up his features.

“Jay?” Jensen breathed. “Am I dreaming?” Jared threw his head back and laughed.

“Do you dream about me often?”

“Only every night,” Jensen muttered. He reached out and poked Jared in the ribs, causing him to giggle and squirm away. “Okay, so you’re real. You’re really here. Wait, you’re here! Why are you here?” Jensen exclaimed as his brain finally caught up to reality.

“Heard you were missin’ me, and I didn’t want to wait two more days to see you, so…” He smiled and bit his lip, and Jensen grabbed the front of his shirt, yanking him into a breathless hug. He inhaled deeply. Jared’s scent might have been ingrained into Jensen’s head, but he still preferred the real thing.

Jared smelled like home.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They spent a week in London, doing a few press events, a lot of sightseeing, and attempting to outdo each other’s absurdly inappropriate answers during a handful of random interviews. (Jared won when he told one Norwegian magazine that he didn’t mind walking around his house naked with a boner, causing Jensen to blush because he knew _exactly_ how truthful Jared was being.)

After London, they immediately returned to L.A. for more promotional events. The network they were on, the WB, was being consolidated and rebranded into the CW, so there was an especially substantial number of parties that they were expected to attend.

The last three weeks of hiatus were all theirs, but Jared’s parents had been calling him incessantly, asking when he’d be able to visit before going back to Vancouver. And some of Jensen’s friends who were based in L.A. were demanding that he spend some time with them since, in their words, “You get to hang out with your loverboy for the next ten months,” so Jensen relented, and once again he and Jared parted ways for a week.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen had realized, after a decade in L.A., that some things were inevitable. Certain norms were ingrained into the Hollywood lifestyle that no one seemed to escape, if they were there long enough. Specifically, how people spent their money. Maybe it was unvoiced expectation, maybe it was subconscious urge, but whatever the reason, these tendencies were undeniable.

The poor, unwitting fool bought art, dropping thousands (or even tens of thousands) of dollars on one piece because their interior decorator said the artist was an up-and-comer and insisted that it would be stupid not to invest, and also how could anybody not love that paining? So the fool bought something that, at best, they didn’t understand and at worst, they found hideous, and hung it in their foyer, never to give it a second glance again.

The fool started a collection—just one, so as not to be pronounced a hoarder, maybe two if they made it to the ranks George Clooney and Julia Roberts and thus could justify it as each separate property deserved its own collection. Something appropriately cool or eccentric. Something that proved the fool had character. For some it was rare, first editions of books that everyone drooled over but no one actually read; for others, an entire room in their mansion was devoted to vintage arcade games (which even Jensen had to admit was fun to mess around on for an afternoon, though he didn’t think he’d ever want to devote an entire room of his house and a chunk of his paycheck to something like that); while others just went the boring but safe route, collecting diamond jewelry or overpriced, uncomfortable shoes. For Jensen, it was old cameras and camera equipment. He painstakingly pieced together a collection that showed how photographers had captured the world over the last eighty years.

And arguably the most inevitable thing to happen was the accumulation of cars. Some more than others, of course, but Jensen didn’t know anybody in the business who only owned one vehicle. While many people went for flashy, something that was looked at more than it was driven, Jensen had managed to keep himself at just two cars, their combined value probably less than fifty grand. Though lately, every time he stepped onto set and was greeted by the shiny black and chrome of Dean’s pride and joy, Jensen felt an itch under his skin that had him seriously contemplating buying his own classic muscle car. A few years earlier, he’d been a day away from buying a motorcycle when Steve had gotten into a pretty bad wreck on his own. He was fine, apart from the road rash and a fractured wrist, and Jensen hadn’t been scared off from buying one. But he’d held off out of respect for his friend. Not long after, he’d been shipped off to Vancouver for Smallville, and living somewhere that required the use of a heater nine months out of the year made having a motorcycle pointless.

He did, however, own an old ’68 Jeep, the red paint long since faded from wind and rain and the salty sea air, and Jensen refused to have it repainted. It was old enough that there was no power steering, and even if he tried Jensen was pretty sure he’d have a difficult time finding a top for it. It didn’t do well on the highway, and there was no point in having two cars in Vancouver, so Jensen left it in his garage in L.A. He made a deal with Chris, told his friend that he could drive it once a week in exchange for keeping it up and running.

Even though the Jeep didn’t like going over fifty miles an hour, Jensen drove it over to Jared’s to pick him up and take him to the airport. Jared thoroughly enjoyed the ride, laughing delightedly and letting the wind whip his hair every which way around his face.

At the curb of the terminal, Jensen killed the engine and pulled Jared into a fierce kiss, completely disregarding the very public location and the fact that his car was topless and windowless. Jared grinned against his lips and kissed back just as hard.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The first night without Jared, Jensen met his friends at a bar and endured the requisite teasing. Halfway through the night, as Jensen stepped out of the bathroom, he was pulled into a hug by Jason.

“I’m so happy for you,” he said, the genuineness of his words not dampened by the distinct smell of whiskey surrounding him. Jensen pulled back, patting his friend on the shoulder.

“Okay, Jason. Thanks.”

“I’m serious. I remember the first time you called me after meeting Jared. You were so damn smitten, but also so completely _unaware_. And once you did get with the program…oh, god. I remember when we spent the entire night on the phone working out, what was it? Oh. Project Woo Padalecki.” Jason chuckled and Jensen punched him in the shoulder on principle. Jason didn’t flinch. “All I’m saying is that I’m really fucking glad it worked out. I’ve never seen you happier.”

“Thanks, Jason. Really,” Jensen said. Jason smiled and gave his shoulder a squeeze before moving past him to the bathroom.

Jensen had managed to put Jared out of his thoughts (okay, brought it down to fifty percent) the last few hours, but now that Jason had brought him up, Jensen couldn’t push away images of his boyfriend swirling around in his head. And hell, he didn’t want to. So he made a decision.

He thanked his friends for the drinks and the company and headed home. The next day, he changed his plane ticket for Vancouver. Originally, he and Jared had been planning on flying in on the same day, seven days from now, but Jensen switched his so that he’d be getting in two days earlier. He had a plan.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On arrival, he immediately headed towards Jared’s—wait, no, _their_ —new home. Jared had gotten the keys the day before they left Vancouver at the beginning of break, and had promptly made a copy to give to Jensen. Jensen let himself into the house, currently sitting empty of everything that would make it feel like home. He knew that Jared didn’t have the same concern as he did when it came to the design aspects of a home, but he definitely had an opinion on comfortableness, so when Jensen left for the furniture store, he walked right past the sofas and chairs and tables, knowing Jared would want test out every option for himself before picking one. Instead, Jensen made a beeline for the beds.

He spent over two hours bouncing on his ass, wiggling around, and laying in multiple weird positions, trying out every California king mattress that the store had. He finally found the perfect one, not even blinking at the obscene price tag. He gladly shelled out the money for the mattress and an accompanying platform bed, scheduling a delivery time for the next day.

His second stop was for sheets and pillows and a comforter to go with the new bed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It wasn’t until the next day, after the bed had been carried into the master bedroom and Jensen had covered it with the freshly-laundered sheets that worry started to creep in. What if Jared hated it? Or felt like Jensen had overstepped his bounds?

It was too late now, though, and Jensen headed back to Jared’s rental home, stopping to pick up Sadie and Harley from the doggy spa. He went to bed early but was too on edge to sleep, only dozing off right before dawn.

He surprised Jared at the airport the next day, drawing him into a crushing welcome home hug.

“I have a surprise for you,” he whispered against Jared’s ear, and felt his boyfriend shiver.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Jared asked.

 _Nothing_ , Jensen thought. He was done waiting.

It was time to christen their new home, and Jensen knew the perfect way to do it.


	32. Firsts

They loaded Jared’s bags into Jensen’s truck and then drove off, Jensen hiding the nervous tapping of his fingers against the steering wheel under the beat of the music playing on the radio. He’d decided to take Jared by his rental house first, to surprise him with the mutts and so that Jared could clean up and they could eat lunch.

“So…you have a surprise for me?” Jared asked once they were on the highway.

“Uh huh,” Jensen replied. It came out high-pitched and slightly strangled, and he glanced over to see Jared looking at him funny.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Jensen said, clearing his throat and trying again. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Sure,” Jared said sarcastically.

“Look, I just…um. My surprise. I didn’t really stop and think before doing it, and now I’m kinda worried that you might not like it.”

“Did you get rid of my dogs?”

“What? No!”

“Did you go vegan and throw out every single animal product in the house?”

“No,” Jensen snorted.

“Did you replace all my comfy tees and ripped jeans with Armani suits?”

“No…”

“Then whatever the surprise is, I’m pretty sure I won’t be mad,” Jared said. Jensen rolled his eyes fondly and his anxiety ebbed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jared moved like molasses once they got home. By the time he’d properly greeted his dogs, showered, and they finished lunch, it had been almost three hours, and Jensen’s nerves were strung tighter than ever.

He was going to do this. Fuck. _He was actually going to do this_.

He wasn’t having seconds thoughts, but he couldn’t stop the images of disaster after potential disaster racing through his mind. He was so on edge that he felt like he was about to vibrate out of his skin.

“Hey,” Jared whispered into Jensen’s ear from behind, wrapping his arms around Jensen’s waist and cause him to jump in alarm. “Shit,” Jared muttered as he yanked his arms away and his body heat disappeared from Jensen’s back. Jensen turned around to find his boyfriend looking worriedly apologetic.

“Jay—”

“Jen, I’m sorry. Jesus, I didn’t even think, I was—”

“Jared! I’m fine. You just surprised me. And I’m all…jumpy because I’m still worried you won’t like my surprise.”

“You sure?”

“Yes. I promise. So can we go so I can be put out of my misery?”

“You’re a true romantic, Jensen Ackles.”

“Oh, please,” Jensen scoffed. “I’m the Grinch of romance but you knew that going in so no take-backs.”

“I would never,” Jared said, clutching at his neck in mock-scandal. Jensen sighed and turned, but Jared caught his wrist and spun him back around. “Seriously, Jen. I would never.” Jensen stared at him for a long minute.

“I know,” he finally said, softly. Jared smiled and Jensen reached up to push a stray lock of hair out of his eyes. “It’s getting longer,” he whispered, slowly dragging his fingers through the silky strands.

“Yeah. Do you, uh, do you like it?”

“I love it,” Jensen said. Jared beamed. “Now, let’s go.” Jensen winked and pulled away, slapping Jared’s ass and getting an impressively loud yelp in response.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen led Jared into the new house, unlocking the door with his own key and feeling a rush of pride as he did so. Jensen stepped inside and Jared followed, stopping to survey the empty rooms and bare walls before turning to Jensen.

Jensen didn’t say anything, too nervous to speak, so he grabbed Jared’s hand and led him up the stairs to the closed door of the master bedroom.

“Wait here,” he rasped, then slipped inside the room. He quickly lit all the candles he’d lined around the room the day before, hoping nothing caught fire in the next few hours. When he was finished, he stepped back to look at his handiwork. Deeming it acceptable, he tossed the lighter into the closet and slipped back through the door to where Jared was waiting patiently.

Jensen wasn’t very good at grand gestures of love—he’d never really wanted to do that kind of thing until he met Jared—so he wasn’t sure how his boyfriend would take this. Hell, most people bought a bottle of wine or a plant as a housewarming gift. But Jensen wanted Jared’s first memory in his first home of his own—of _their_ first home _together_ —to be unforgettable. Something Jensen had never given to anyone else, _would_ never give to anyone else.

“Just…don’t laugh?” Jensen asked. Jared smiled and took his hand, bringing it up to his lips to kiss across the knuckles.

“Promise.”

Jensen nodded, took a deep breath, and opened the door. Jared stepped past him and gasped at the sight.

“Jen…” he whispered breathlessly as his gaze swept across the room.

The room was empty save for the white candles of varying sizes that lined three of the walls; on the fourth wall was the extra-large bed that Jensen had chosen, made up with a soft white comforter and sheets and half a dozen pillows. The bed looked so inviting that Jensen wanted to dive into it and stay there for ten years…as long as Jared joined him.

“Jen!” Jared repeated, spinning suddenly to Jensen and pushing his back against the door, crushing their lips together.

“I wanted to give you something,” Jensen said between kisses.

“You bought me a freaking bed! Jen…god. It looks amazing.”

“I’m glad you like it. But that’s only half the present.” At Jensen’s words, Jared paused his plundering of Jensen’s mouth and pulled back to look him in the eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s our new home,” Jensen said, “and I wanted to give you something…unforgettable. To show you how happy I am.” Jared’s breaths were coming in quick and shallow, but his body remained still and his eyes questioning. “I want you to make love to me,” Jensen explained, face flushing at his own word choice. Maybe it was cheesy or sappy, but no way was Jensen going to say something as crude and impersonal as ‘I want you to fuck me.’ Not for this.

“Jen?”

“I want to feel you inside me, Jay.” Jared sucked in a breath, fisting Jensen’s shirt and yanking him into another scorching kiss.

Jensen let himself get lost in the feel and taste of his boyfriend for a few minutes, but a mixture of arousal and nerves had his body on fire and he couldn’t wait any longer. He took control, maneuvering them around as he began stripping Jared and them himself of their shirts. Jared got with the program and fumbled with the button of Jensen’s jeans as Jensen did the same, their lips never parting. Soon they were both naked, hands sliding hungrily over each other’s skin. Jensen shuffled them backwards until his calves hit the edge of the mattress and he fell back, hands gripping Jared tight and pulling him down on top of him.

“I want your tongue,” Jensen panted. “Will you eat me out?”

“ _Fuck yes_ ,” Jared moaned. Jensen pushed his body up the bed so that his head was on the pillows as Jared slid down his body, biting nips leaving pinpricks of pleasure-pain across his chest and stomach. He buried his hands in Jared’s hair, loving the grip that the longer length offered him.

Jared paused at his cock, licking a wide stripe up it once before ignoring Jensen’s needy groan and moving farther down. He mouthed at his balls and pushed his thighs apart. Jensen flushed even deeper, unused to being so open and bare. Thankfully, Jared didn’t stop to look, as that would have made Jensen even more nervous. Instead, he just moaned and licked tentatively around Jensen’s hole.

A strangled, wanton sound escaped Jensen, urging his boyfriend on. Jared’s tongue was warm and wet as it lapped at Jensen’s furled muscle, making him writhe with need. He could feel himself loosening slightly right before Jared’s tongue breached him. He keened and arched up off the bed and Jared’s tongue slid in deeper.

Jared withdrew slowly, then began fucking his tongue in and out of Jensen. Jensen shuddered with pleasure as he imagined Jared’s cock doing the same. Wrapping his arms around Jensen’s thighs, Jared hauled his lower body up, giving him better leverage to push his tongue deeper. Jensen whimpered at the new and exhilarating sensations shooting through his body, and he felt his balls starting to draw up.

“Jay,” he panted, “gonna…come…”

Jared growled in reply, keeping his tongue firmly buried in Jensen’s ass. The vibrations sent shockwaves up Jensen’s spine and when he felt Jared slip a finger in beside his tongue, he couldn’t hold back any longer. His eyes screwed shut and he went rigid, muscles clenching tight as his orgasm ripped through him; a moment later, his release shot out across his chest and stomach, painting his skin pearly white.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck,” he whimpered as Jared worked him through it with his tongue and finger. His body went slack and he relaxed bonelessly into the mattress. He could hear small hitching sounds, and it took him a minute to realize they were coming from him.

“Hey,” a soft voice whispered in his ear. He felt a warm hand cup his cheek and he blinked his eyes open. Jared was hovering above him; his eyes were dark with arousal, pupils blown wide, but his mouth was drawn down in a small, concerned frown. “You okay?”

Jensen attempted to reply, but all that came out was a long, lazy groan of satisfaction. The frown was instantly gone from Jared’s expression as he chuckled.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he said, fingers sweeping lightly across Jensen’s temple and down the line of his jaw.

“ _Hell_ yes,” Jensen rasped. He closed his eyes again and slid his hand underneath the pillow, feeling around blindly for the lube he had stashed there earlier. He snagged it and held it out to Jared, opening his eyes just in time to see an intense flash of lust darken Jared’s eyes again.

“Jen,” he said hesitantly, and Jensen pushed the lube into Jared’s hand.

“I want this,” he said firmly, holding Jared’s steady gaze. Jared nodded once and took the lube, slicking up his fingers and reaching down towards Jensen’s already-wet, loose hole. He slipped one finger in easily, then a second one followed immediately after.

He stilled and looked up at Jensen hesitantly. Jensen was propped up on his elbows, legs splayed out shamelessly. He gazed back down at his boyfriend and waited for the inevitable freakout.

It never came.

Jensen knew that first orgasm had put him in a relaxed haze of bliss, which was terrific for calming his nerves. But it shouldn’t have been enough to avoid the sheer panic he’d felt the other times. Which meant something else had changed. Things had finally clicked into place.

“Jen? You okay?”

“Yeah, Jay. I’m good.” Jensen smiled down at Jared, silently conveying the absolute truth of his statement. “More than okay. I’ve got you,” he said. Jared’s eyes lit up and Jensen felt him moving inside him again, fingers scissoring, stretching him open.

“God, Jen. You’re— _fuck_ ,” Jared choked. “So amazing, babe, so fucking hot.” He began grinding lazily against the mattress and that image had Jensen’s dick twitching in renewed interest. Not that Jared’s fingers felt _bad_ ; they just felt _odd_. Slightly uncomfortably, not from pain but just from the fact that for the last twenty-eight years, his ass had been exit-only. It was a new sensation, not quite as pleasant as Jared’s tongue. And—

“ _Holy shit!_ ” Jensen cried out, body arching off the bed as Jared’s fingers brushed over what Jensen could only assume was his prostate. And he knew how Jared reacted when their positions were switched, but that never could’ve prepared him for experiencing it firsthand.

“Found it,” Jared said smugly, then pressed a third finger in. The added thickness burned, but Jensen was too preoccupied by the jolts of electricity spiking through him as Jared rubbed that magical bundle of nerves.

“Okay, okay,” he whimpered, “I’m ready.”

“Mmm,” Jared hummed, his pinky finger teasing at Jensen’s rim. And fuck, if Jared got four fingers in there, no way was Jensen going to hold off a second orgasm. And as hot as all this was, he didn’t trust himself to be able to get it up a third time so quickly. And there was _no way_ they’d gone through everything they had to get here just for Jensen to _not_ come with Jared inside him.

“Jared, I swear to god,” he growled, “I love you to death but if you don’t get inside me right this instant, _I will never have sex with you again_.”

Jared’s head snapped up as he stared at Jensen’s completely serious face. He raised his eyebrows and one corner of his mouth quirked up, but he remained silent as he withdrew his fingers and reached for the lube, slicking himself up.

“You wanna do it this way?” he asked, and Jensen nodded.

“Wanna see you.”

Jared’s smirk turned into a sappy smile, and he scooted forward on his knees. Jensen wrapped his legs around Jared’s waist and felt something _much_ bigger than fingers nudge gently against his opening. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. He felt his muscles relax and give, stretching around Jared’s cock as the head pushed in.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Jared whispered, staring down at where they were now connected. He looked up at Jensen, eyes wide with awe, and Jensen was reminded that this wasn’t just his first time bottoming; it was Jared’s first time topping.

“You doing okay, Jay?” he reached up to run his fingers through Jared’s silky-soft, sweat-damp locks.

“You kidding me? Jen…”

“Keep going, babe,” Jensen said softly, and Jared pressed in farther, pausing and looking up in concern when Jensen let out a small whimper of pain.

“I’m okay,” he assured Jared, but his voice was shaky. He’d been so focused on getting to this point without having a panic attack that he completely forgot to worry about how _physically_ painful it might be.

“Just give it a few minutes,” Jared said, leaning down for a kiss. Jensen got lost in the taste of his boyfriend, of the taste of himself on his boyfriend, that he didn’t notice the pain receding until it was gone.

“Better?” Jared asked, bringing Jensen’s attention back to everything.

“Yeah. Yeah, keep going.” Jared obliged, a slow but steady push that quickly had him buried completely in Jensen.

“Oh, god,” Jensen panted.

“You hurting?”

“No, god no. Feels good. Move, Jay. God, move!” Jensen practically begged, and Jared didn’t need to be told twice. He pulled out, the drag of his hard cock against Jensen’s insides causing Jensen’s eyes to roll back. But that was nothing compared to the feeling of Jared thrusting back in and hitting his prostate.

“Fuck!” Jensen shouted, hands slamming down on the mattress. Jared’s next pull-push was faster, harder, and Jensen’s hand flew up to grip Jared’s shoulders, fingers digging into his skin as Jared pounded into him over and over. He hoped there’d be bruises when they were done, a physical reminder of so many firsts that were happening right now.

“Jensen,” Jared gritted out, his voice absolutely wrecked from arousal. “I’m not…gonna last much longer.”

And shit, Jensen was surprised Jared had managed to last this long, considering he hadn’t come yet tonight and this was his first time being inside, well, _anyone_. And knowing that, that Jensen was Jared’s first—and last—made him grip Jared harder as his chest tightened from pure, unadulterated love.

“That’s okay, babe. Want you to come. Want you to fill me up, make me yours. Feel so good, Jay,” Jensen babbled. He was teetering on that edge as well, and Jared picked up the pace, hips slamming forward, cock hitting Jensen’s prostate on every thrust. The assault of sensations never stopped, lighting his nerves on fire.

“Jay,” he warned when he felt his body tense and his balls draw up.

“Do it, Jen. Come on my cock, just my cock,” Jared growled.

His raspy, fucked-out voice hurled Jensen over the edge and his body went taut as his orgasm crashed over him, ropes of come shooting out and adding to the mess on his chest and abs. He clenched around Jared’s cock and Jared froze, a look of absolute bliss on his face as he filled Jensen with his own release.

It was one of the most intimate things Jensen had ever experienced, his boyfriend’s come filling his ass, warm and sticky and so full that it began leaking out around Jared’s cock.

Jared was whimpering, obviously overwhelmed with the all the new feelings, and Jensen released his shoulders and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him down so that Jared was laying on his chest. He rubbed one hand soothingly up and down Jared’s back while the other hand smoothed through Jared’s hair, gently working out the knots and tangles.

They were dirty and sweaty and exhausted and everything was absolutely perfect.


	33. One-Eighty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this finished like three days ago, only needed to do one last read-through/edit, and then I got sick. And I hate doing ANYTHING when I'm sick. So yeah, that's why it took me three whole days to read 3000 words.

The next week was spent in what Jensen could only imagine would be described as domestic bliss. They moved their possessions over to the house, and Jensen stood in front of their shared closet in the master bedroom, just staring at the way his silk button-ups mingled with Jared’s worn and faded Spurs tees. Jared found him like that, and though he didn’t comment on the dopey smile on Jensen’s face, he did wrap his arms around Jensen’s waist, rest his chin on his shoulder, and sigh contently.

They spent hours upon hours at multiple furniture stores, looking for the perfect sofa (big and comfy were Jared’s two demands), chairs, coffee table, kitchen table, lamps, and bookshelves. After everything was delivered, they spent another few hours arranging and rearranging the rooms, arguing good-naturedly about which chair the ottoman should go in front of and whether the coasters should be kept on the coffee table or the side table.

They grilled on the back patio and played fetch with Harley and Sadie. They went for not-too-early morning runs in the park and they had lots of sex, christening every single room in the house as least twice. Jensen’s personal favorites were their bed (obviously), the extra-large shower stall in the master bathroom, sitting on the couch as Jared rode him, and being bent over the kitchen table as Jared pounded into him from behind.

But really, he wasn’t too picky. Because any sex with Jared was the best sex Jensen had ever—and would ever—have. And if he craved the inevitable cuddling that always happened afterword? Well, that was between him and his boyfriend.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They celebrated Jared’s 24th birthday with home-grilled steaks and potatoes, a movie marathon of The Lord of the Rings (extended editions, Jared’s idea), and more sex. Of course.

Jared had told Jensen that he didn’t need a present, that what Jensen had given him when he’d gotten back to Vancouver was better than anything he could’ve ever asked for. But there was no way Jensen wasn’t getting his boyfriend a birthday present for him to open on his actual birthday, so he snuck out of the house one day to hit up a few stores downtown. He found plenty of things that would have been acceptable presents, but he wanted better than _acceptable_ , so Jensen ended up leaving empty-handed and a little panicked.

He looked online next, praying that the internet wouldn’t fail him. And lo and behold, it came through. He found a company that was a subscription service where someone would get sent a box of candy every month, but the candy would be from countries all over the world, not just regular American candy. Jensen felt like he’d hit the jackpot, and even though it might have cost him a small fortune to make sure the first box was delivered in time for Jared’s birthday, it was totally worth it.

When Jared opened the present, it looked like he’d died and gone to heaven.

And when Jared blew him later that evening, Jensen felt like he’d died and gone to heaven as well.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Filming started back up a few days after Jared’s birthday, and Jensen couldn’t deny that he’d really missed all of it. Working side-by-side with his best friend, joking around with him and with the crew; scheming with Jared, planning the perfect pranks to pull on Kim and Eric and Phil; lounging around his or Jared’s trailer in their free time, playing video games or reading or just napping, limbs tangled together and Jared’s skin warm and comforting against his own.

The first episode of the new season ended with them saying goodbye to John Winchester and thus Jeff Morgan. At the end of the week, the cast and crew threw a going-away party for Jeff at Leroy’s (where Jensen kept being offered free drinks; the owner felt so guilty over what had happened to Jensen not once but twice there, even though Jensen assured him it wasn’t his fault. He still took the free drinks, though). They had to keep the reason for the party on the down-low as to avoid any potential spoilers, but it was a good time nonetheless.

Jensen knew that, starting with the second episode, Dean was going to be struggling a lot more with conflicted emotions and guilt over John’s death. It was actually kind of fun to get a little juicier storyline for Dean, one Jensen could really dig his teeth into. The best part, though, was that he had no problems stepping out of Dean’s mindset not just at the end of the day but between scenes, and it was all thanks to the people around him.

This was the first episode that revealed Sam’s deep-seated fear of clowns, and Jared did an amazing job playing up the hilarity of that fear without making it cheesy or relying on slapstick. Luckily, Jared wasn’t scared of clowns in real life (and neither was Jensen, though after this episode, he had to admit there was definitely an inherent creepiness to them).

They also met three new actors; Alona Tal, Sam Ferris, and Chad Lindberg would be playing Jo and Ellen Harvelle and Ash. The characters were fun, adding a new dynamic to the show without changing it too much, and Phil told Jensen and Jared that the characters had the potential to be temporarily recurring. They also got Jim Beaver back to play Bobby, a character that Jensen especially had fallen in love with when he was first introduced last season. (And as much fun as Jeff Morgan was, Jensen could never completely stomp out that little flare of jealousy he felt every time Jeff hugged Jared or made him laugh. But no matter how often Jim cracked jokes, Jensen never felt like the guy was hitting on Jared. And yes, Jensen knew he was probably a little insane, but when it came to his boyfriend, overly-passionate seemed to be Jensen’s only setting.)

Jim and the newbies were all good for laughs, and having extra people for the crew to focus on gave Jensen a bit of a reprieve from the constant bombardment of attention that was usually focused primarily on him and Jared every day.

He also got to take a tire iron to the Impala; at first, he was horrified at the thought. Then when he saw the prop car, already half-taken apart, he felt a spark of excitement. It was exhilarating, getting to smash up a car like that _and getting paid for it_. It was also a really good workout, and after they got home that night Jared gave him a deep-tissue massage that had Jensen writhing in pleasure. And that was _before_ the sex happened.

It wasn’t until the fourth episode that Jensen realized how truly different this year was going to be for him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen never thought that of all the episodes that could’ve come the closest to breaking him, it would be the fourth one.

Filming the first episode was great, simply because he got to wear a tee shirt and pajama pants at work for a whole week. The second episode gave him plenty of distractions from the heavier scenes, and the third episode was a very standard monster-of-the-week. The fourth one looked to be similar to the third: a monster to hunt; the brothers fighting a little but ultimately standing together; and Dean got a big ol’ dollop of self-doubt on top. It was all very _Dean_ , wholly indicative of Jensen’s character, but it was one of the pieces Jensen was never able to personally connect with. And yet, it was getting under his skin.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“What’s dead should stay dead!” Jensen growled, hands gripping the fake silver stake that Dean had just plunged into Angela’s zombie body.

“Cut!” Kim called a few seconds later. Jensen immediately dropped the prop and got out of the grave hole. He always hated episodes where the brothers had to dig up a grave because he hated being down in them. But considering that they had to do it almost every time the brothers were fighting a ghost, he figured there’d be plenty more empty graves he’d have to hang out in before the show was over.

He scrambled out of the hole, not even waiting for one of the crew to bring the designated “grave ladder” over that everyone usually used to climb in and out. Jared jogged over to him and gripped his shoulder, squeezing it quickly before letting his arm drop. Jensen immediately missed the contact; Jared always helped ground him whenever he was having trouble stepping out of Dean’s headspace.

“Hey, you okay?” Jared whispered, mindful of the mics. Jensen nodded but it was just for show; he knew his eyes were telling a different story.

“Nice job, everyone,” Kim called out. “We’ll print that one. Jared, Jensen, you got about two, two and a half hours while the crew sets up the next shot. Go get some rest.” Kim hadn’t even finished talking before Jared was gently steering Jensen away towards their trailers, only stopping briefly to hand off their props and mics to a PA.

“You look…shaken,” Jared said as he closed Jensen’s trailer door behind him. Jensen bypassed the couch and collapsed onto the bed, barely collecting enough energy to shrug off Dean’s jacket and amulet before flopping down on his stomach. He didn’t even bother trying to get the boots that he was wearing off. A moment later, he felt Jared working on the laces and he smiled into the pillow.

“Ngh,” he grunted, and heard Jared huff out a chuckle at his non-response. Jared pulled off his boots and Jensen rolled over just in time for Jared’s fingers to start working at the button and zipper of his jeans, quickly stripping Jensen of those as well.

Jensen closed his eyes and heard rustling; a minute later, the bed dipped beside him and Jared climbed on and laid down, wrapping his body around Jensen’s. Jensen snuggled in closer, reveling in the warmth and comfort of his boyfriend.

“You’ve been off all week, Jen,” Jared whispered, nails scratching against Jensen’s scalp as his fingers worked through the short hair. The set hairstylist, Jeannie, was going to have Jared’s head for messing up all of her hard work, but Jensen didn’t care. “You don’t have to right now, but promise you’ll talk to me soon?” Jared asked softly.

“Mhmm,” Jensen hummed in content. Jared was right, he’d been a little off since they started filming this episode, but right here and now, peacefully drifting off in Jared’s arms, Jensen felt completely at ease. He marveled at how his life had done such a complete one-eighty from this time last year, but those thoughts were quickly swept away as sleep overtook him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen got three blissful hours of sleep before the sun was up and a PA was knocking on his door to tell him that they were wanted back on set. Jared was already awake, but he hadn’t moved from Jensen’s side. He was busy running one hand up and down Jensen’s back while the other one poked lightly at Jensen’s face, his finger more of a caress than anything else.

“You countin’ my freckles again?” Jensen asked gruffly, voice thick with sleep.

“I gotta. You keep getting new ones,” Jared said with a shrug, shooting his innocent puppy dogs eyes at Jensen before returning to his task. Jensen rolled his eyes affectionately and buried his face in Jared’s chest, effectively cutting off his boyfriend’s source of entertainment. Jared chuckled but prodded at Jensen’s shoulders.

“C’mon, sleepyhead, they want us back on set.”

“Nuh uh,” Jensen mumbled.

“Yeah huh,” Jared replied.

“Don’t wanna,” Jensen whined, sticking his lower lip out in a pout before realizing that Jared couldn’t even see it.

“Stop pouting, you know I don’t fall for that anymore,” Jared said.

“You can’t even see me.”

“You’re predictable,” Jared said with a hint of a laugh.

“ _You’re_ predictable,” Jensen grumbled before wiggling his body to get even more comfortable.

“I will get a bucket of cold water,” Jared warned, his voice serious enough that Jensen cracked open one eye.

“You wouldn’t,” he said, pulling back from the warmth of his boyfriend to glare up at him. Jared was grinning innocently, and Jensen snorted. “I hate you.”

“I love you too, baby,” Jared replied, placing a smacking kiss on Jensen’s forehead. “Now, come on. Get up. The sooner we can finish this scene, the sooner you can go home and sleep. Or fuck me,” Jared added with a wink. Jensen shot up and rolled out of bed, stumbling around before locating his jeans.

“I’m up!” he said.

“That you are,” Jared said with a smirk, leering at Jensen’s crotch. Jensen rolled his eyes and threw his jeans at Jared.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“I know you’ve been thinking it. So have I. Doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. Back at the hospital, I made a full recovery. It was a miracle. And five minutes later, dad’s dead and the Colt’s gone.”

“Dean…”

“You can’t tell me there’s not a connection there. I don’t know how the demon was involved, I don’t know how the whole thing went down exactly. But dad’s dead because of me. And that much I do know.”

“We don’t know that. Not for sure.”

“Sam…” Jensen took a deep breath, and with very little effort—even less than usual—his eyes filled and a tear spilled down his cheek. “You and dad…you’re the most important people in my life. And now…I never should’ve come back, Sam. It wasn’t natural. And now look what’s come of it. I was dead. And I should have stayed dead. You wanted to know how I was feeling, well…that’s it. So tell me, what could you possibly say to make that all right?”

“Cut! Print!” Kim called, and Jensen was immediately out of there, walking away  in the opposite direction of where the crew had already started to pack stuff up.

It was very rare for them to film the final scene of the episode last, but that was how it worked out this time, and for some reason it was hitting Jensen hard. His skin felt tight and itchy; his body felt both feverishly sweaty and teeth-chatteringly cold even though it was a comfortable sixty degrees out. He didn’t understand why this was bothering him so much; he wasn’t exactly the type of actor to go method, and the few times his work had gotten under his skin was because something was hitting just a little too close to home to be comfortable. But this? This was _all_ Dean. Almost dying then coming back? Demon deals and magic guns and extremely conflicted feelings about his father? Jensen couldn’t relate to _any_ of that. And yet…

Jensen heard the unmistakable sound of feet pattering, someone jogging up behind him. He tensed, not wanting to deal with anyone at the moment when a large, warm hand fell gently to his shoulder. Jensen let out a breath and slowed so that he and Jared were walking side by side.

“Hey, Jen. Great scene.” Jared’s voice was soft and his sentiment simple. It was exactly what Jensen needed to hear. He didn’t want elaborate praise for something that had so thoroughly twisted his guts, but he needed to know that it wasn’t all for nothing, either.

“Thanks,” Jensen said after a minute. Jared’s hand slipped from his shoulder to his side, tangling their fingers together when Jensen didn’t move to put space between them.

When they were a good ways away from everyone else, Jared led Jensen off the pavement and down onto the grass. They sat there in silence, Jared’s arm around Jensen holding him close, soft lips kissing his temple every few minutes.

Once again Jensen was lost in thoughts of how much his life had changed over the last year. It was like everything had done a one-eighty, what used to be backwards was now upside down and what used to be hard was now easier than breathing.

One year ago, Jensen was busy dealing with his surprise feelings for his costar, agonizing over what he thought was unrequited love (while refusing to acknowledge that it was, in fact, love). His emotions were a mess that he kept hidden away like some dirty little secret because he didn’t want to deal with them. He didn’t _know_ how to deal with them. Now, he felt settled, almost domestic. But better than that. Because instead of a white picket fence and two-point-five kids and scheduled sex three times a week, they had lazy morning kisses and late-night cuddles; a sweaty, post-run Jared bringing him coffee in the morning while chuckling affectionately at Jensen’s grumpiness; cooking dinner together (then ordering takeout when they inevitably ruined whatever they were making); watching movies they knew by heart and arguing over Texas sports teams. It was their version of domestic bliss, and to Jensen, it was perfect.

One year ago, filming was exhausting but exhilarating. Eighty-hour work weeks were totally worth it when he was finally a lead on a show; when he got to share the screen with someone as amazing as Jared every single day; when he got to work with people like Eric and Kim and Bob and Phil; when he collapsed into bed every night but still couldn’t wait to go back to work the next day. It was hard but it was _easy_. All those things were still true, of course, but the added emotional weight to his character was much more draining than just the long workdays, and now it was just plain _hard_. He could tell he was struggling, and it was only the fourth episode.

But he knew everything would be okay, because he had Jared.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?” Jared asked quietly. Jensen shrugged.

“You,” Jensen finally said, turning his head and capturing Jared’s lips in a kiss. “Always you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are better than dayquil ♥️


	34. Jealous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Edited to add: If you are subscribed to this fic and just got three different emails saying I added three chapters, I apologize for popping your happy balloon. I think ao3 was fritzing or something. I only added one new chapter. But hey! One new chapter!! I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming**
> 
> I'm sorry it took almost three weeks for this update. I really feel like the quality of this chapter doesn't reflect how long I spent on it. (Blame my cold that turned into so much MORE than just a bloody cold. Ugh.) Also, I'm not sure if I'm having trouble with where to take the plot next, or if I'm just getting a little bored with this story. (Don't get me wrong, I love this fic to death and am going to attempt to write it up to where WTLB starts.)
> 
> I'm considering finding a good _pausing_ place for this fic and spending some time working on the sequel that I keep promising y'all. If you guys are interested in that, let me know. If I do that, I would spend most of my writing time on the sequel, but would continue to work on this one as well, just not every day.

A few weeks later, Jensen was heading home from set by himself. It was Friday, and they’d had a late call that morning, which meant he and Jared had gotten to sleep in. Well, they _would have_ gotten to, if Jared hadn’t woken Jensen up before it was absolutely necessary.

_There was little else in Jensen’s life that he valued above his sleep, and his body was finely attuned to this fact. If Jensen was roused before it was actually required of him to wake up, he knew it in his bones. And it made him grouchy._

_Which was why, eyes still closed and body still buried in blankets, he was about to open his mouth and chastise his boyfriend when he was abruptly cut off. Something moved underneath the blankets, and a moment later his cock was surrounded by wet, delicious heat. His scolding morphed immediately into a moan as Jared sucked and licked him with what could only be described as fervor. He came with a shout just a few minutes later, Jared humping against his leg as Jensen felt dampness spread were Jared’s crotch was pressed up against him. At least his boyfriend getting off like that made Jensen not feel so bad about coming faster than he had when he was twelve._

_Jared disappeared for a minute, Jensen assumed to clean himself up, and he returned with a steaming mug of coffee fixed perfectly to Jensen’s preference. He decided that being woken up early wasn’t so bad after all._

Jensen was a little jealous that Jared had been able to leave set early. He’d only come in to do some audio work, whereas Jensen had two scenes to film with one of the extras. Luckily, it wasn’t even six p.m. by the time Jensen was done and on the road back home. He was looking forward to the weekend; it was a longer one, since the network the show was on had been shut down and then combined with another before relaunching as the CW. So there was a network launch party on Monday in LA that Jensen and Jared were pretty much required to go to, not that Jensen was complaining if it meant getting a four-day weekend as well.

When Jensen got home, the second he opened the door and stepped inside, the smell of something delicious surrounded him. He made his way towards the kitchen, which had turned into a disaster zone, his boyfriend smack dab in the middle. It looked like Jared had just waged war on every powder-based baking ingredient they owned.

The counters were covered in mixing bowls and measuring cups and egg shells and spilled sugar and who knew what else. Jared had (what Jensen hoped was) flour in his hair and smudged across his face and sprinkled liberally over his clothes.

“Babe…” Jensen started hesitantly. Jared looked up, pouted lip quivering like someone had just kicked his puppy.

“This pie better be fucking delicious!” Jared huffed, crossing his arms and glaring at Jensen like somehow he’d forced Jared into, well, whatever was happening here. Jensen burst out laughing.

“Babe, what are you doing?”

“Cooking you dinner!” Jared exclaimed, sweeping his hand around the room as if it were obvious. That made Jensen shut up real fast. Jared was good at a lot of things, but cooking was _not_ one of them. Jensen swore that if somebody could find a way to burn _water_ , it’d be Jared.

“It’s not funny,” Jared whined, returning to his adorable pout. Jensen closed the distant between them and pulled Jared into a hug, no concern for the mess on his clothes.

“So what’d you make me?” he asked.

“I, uh, called Donna, asked her if you had a favorite meal that would be idiot-proof to make. So she gave me the recipe for lasagna and garlic bread,” Jared admitted. At the mention of his mom’s lasagna, Jensen’s stomach growled loudly. Jared chuckled. “I take it you approve?”

“Fuck yeah,” Jensen said. Whether or not the recipe actually _was_ idiot-proof remained to be seen, but everything smelled good. And ten minutes later, when Jared pulled the food out of the oven and it looked just as delicious as it smelled, Jensen set the table excitedly.

“I think this calls for the good wine,” Jensen said as Jared brought the pan of lasagna over to the table.

“You mean the fifteen-dollar bottle instead of the ten-dollar bottle?” Jared teased.

“You know it, baby,” Jensen replied with a wink.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen groaned, leaning back in his chair and patting his full stomach. “Damn, Jay, that was amazing.” He looked across the table at his boyfriend, Jared’s cheeks flushed pink from praise and from four glasses of wine.

“Really?” he asked.

“Yes, baby. Thank you for doing all this.” Jensen paused, taking another sip of his own drink. “Not that I’m complaining, obviously, but what spurred this sudden Anthony Bourdain-schtick?” Jared shrugged.

“Just wanted to do something nice for you,” he mumbled, breaking eye contact as his gaze dropped down to his plate. Which meant he was hiding something. Jensen sighed.

“I appreciate that, Jay. So much.” He waited, hoping his boyfriend would come clean without him having to push. Luckily, his patience paid off when Jared glanced back up at him, a look of resignation on his face.

“So, y’know we have to leave for LA tomorrow?” Jensen nodded and Jared continued. “Well, uh, my manager is kind of…pissy at me, because I haven’t been seen publicly with Sandy for months.” He stopped, taking another long drink of wine. Jensen knew where this was going. “Yeah, so he told me I have to walk the red carpet with her.”

Jensen nodded sharply and emptied his glass in one long swig. He grabbed the bottle of wine—they were on their third—and refilled his glass before looking at Jared again. Jared, who was biting his lip anxiously, his eyebrows scrunched together with worry.

“Jay,” Jensen sighed, “did you think I’d be mad at you or something?” Jared shrugged, which Jensen took as a yes. “Babe, it’s not your fault. I know you don’t want to do all that. In fact…” Jensen hedged; he hadn’t meant to tell Jared this, as he thought it would upset him. But now, he figured it might make Jared feel a little bit better about everything…in a really messed-up way.

“My manager’s kinda been on my back about not having a girlfriend,” Jensen admitted. Jared’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Yeah, because I ‘broke up’ with Joanna like two years ago, and apparently a straight man in his twenties in Hollywood isn’t allowed to be single for more than, like, three months. Or whatever. I dunno.”

“Does he know you’re…”

“Gay? In a serious and loving relationship?” Jared nodded, smiling slightly at Jensen’s words.

“Yes and no. I’ve never explicitly told him that I’m gay, but with the way he constantly hoists dumb bimbo-types on me, I kinda figure he suspects the truth.”

“So he doesn’t know you’re taken?”

“I haven’t told him. Because if I did, he would tell me to bring her to the party. And then I’d have to say, ‘Well, funny thing, _he’s_ already going to be there since _he’s_ my _coworker_.’ And that wouldn’t go over too well. I’m sorry,” Jensen added softly.

Jared slumped down in his seat, looking dejected.

“You know I would walk down that carpet holding your hand if I could. That I would kiss you in between interview questions and run my hands through your hair and leave hickeys on your neck for everyone to see. You know that, right?” Jensen whispered.

Jared stood up and walked around the table, sliding in between it and Jensen. There was a wild, almost feral look in his darkened eyes, and Jensen’s mouth went dry. Jared ripped his shirt off and shucked his jeans. Jensen’s cock jumped when he saw that his boyfriend was going commando. Then, Jared turned around and pushed the dishes off to the side, clearing a space on the table in front of him. Jensen was just about to ask what he was doing when Jared turned and grabbed Jensen, pulling his shirt off before fumbling with his jeans. Jensen leaned down to get the offending item off, and he when he stood back up, Jared was laid out on the table, gloriously naked, a pink flush standing out on his tan skin and traveling the length of his torso.

He lifted his legs and wrapped them around Jensen’s hip, pulling him forward until his cock—now fully hard and leaking profusely—was pressed tight against Jared’s ass.

“Fuck me,” Jared growled, and Jensen groaned. Before he could react, Jared was reaching down between them and guiding Jensen's cock towards his hole.

“Jay—wait—” Jensen started to say, but Jared tightened his legs around Jensen’s waist and pulled him forward, the head of his cock breaching Jared’s opening. He sucked in a sharp gasp as he was met with little resistance. He realized belatedly that Jared was relaxed and sloppy wet, and that he must have opened himself up before Jensen had gotten home.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Jensen hissed, letting out a broken moan as he was sucked greedily into Jared’s tight heat.

“Make me yours,” Jared said, voice thick emotions and rough with arousal. And how could Jensen say no to that?

He wasted no time, pace rhythmic and demanding as he pounded into Jared over and over, bringing them both to the brink in record time.

“Jen!” Jared shouted, back arching off the table suddenly. A moment later, his cock spurted rope after rope of come, painting his body with his release. His channel squeezed Jensen’s cock in a vice-like grip, practically forcing Jensen’s orgasm out of him in a violent rush. He stilled deep inside Jared, growling possessively as he filled Jared up, marking his boyfriend from the inside out as his mind chanted _Mine mine mine!_

He collapsed against Jared’s chest, Jared’s legs still wrapped around him and keeping him buried inside as the press of their chests smeared Jared’s come into Jensen’s skin, marking him as Jared’s just as good as Jensen had done.

“You should get jealous more often,” Jared said breathlessly. Jensen agreed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

While they were putting dirty dishes and leftover food away, Sandy called. Jared put his phone on speaker so that he could continue helping Jensen clean up.

“Hey, Sandy.”

“Hey, babe! What’re you up to?” Sandy’s voice was light and airy and oh-so-innocent sounding, and when Jensen froze at her words, his jolt of possessive anger was mixed with confusion. Jared had frozen, too, glancing sharply at Jensen. He looked more concerned about Jensen’s reaction than Sandy’s words, and Jensen wasn’t really sure what to think about that.

“I’m, uh. I just finished having dinner with Jensen,” Jared replied. Jensen caught the barest of wavering to his voice, but Sandy didn’t notice. In fact, her response just seemed to confuse both of them further.

“Oh, yeah! You mentioned that you guys’d bought a house. Jay, that’s…well, I’m really happy for you. Tell him I say hi. And congrats.” There was no bitterness or longing in her voice, no double-meaning to her words. She sounded utterly genuine.

Jared was still staring at Jensen, and he lifted his eyebrows in silent question. Jensen shook his head minutely, signaling that he didn’t want to announce to Sandy that she was on speaker and he could hear her. Call him paranoid—or maybe just cynical—but he wanted to see how the remainder of the conversation would play out.

“Yeah, uh. Thanks,” Jared replied. He cleared his throat awkwardly. “So, um, why…what can I do for you, San?” If Sandy heard the awkwardness, she didn’t comment on it.

“Oh, I just wanted to talk to you really quick about the party. I know this sounds stupid,” she continued, giggling sweetly, the sound almost making Jensen gag, “but I wanted to see what you were planning on wearing. I think it’s important that we kind of match, you know? I mean, it would be a little conspicuous if we showed up in completely clashing outfits. What kind of couple does that?”

Jensen had to bite his cheek to keep from saying all the nasty things running through his head right now. Instead, he just sat there silently, listening to a resigned Jared discussing with his fake girlfriend what they should wear to walk the red carpet together. The red carpet, Jensen thought bitterly, at a party for the network that their show was on. _Their_ show, _them_ , _together_. No Sandy.

The call lasted fifty-six long, agonizing minutes.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Being informed by Jared earlier that he’d have to walk the red carpet with Sandy was nothing compared to the way Jensen was affected by hearing Jared and Sandy planning out their matching outfits for said event. The second Jared snapped his phone shut, Jensen was on him like a man possessed, slamming him up against the glass doors leading to the backyard. He attacked Jared’s mouth while he hoisted his boyfriend’s long legs around his waist. Jensen then reached down to cup Jared’s ass, squeezing the flesh possessively before spreading him wide and slamming home. The fuck was fast and rough, and by the time Jared was painting their skin with his come and clenching around Jensen’s cock, wringing his orgasm out of him, Jared had small bruises littering his neck and collarbone so that he looked like he was wearing a hickey necklace.

 _Better than diamonds_ , Jensen thought, his mind purring with content every time his gaze traced the curving line of red spots.

Before Jensen had even caught his breath, his cock was slipping out of Jared and Jared’s legs were sliding down Jensen’s body until his feet reached the floor. Jensen was somehow still half-hard, even after two orgasms in the span of less than two hours. Jared was faring no better, and they stumbled their way to the bedroom, tripping over furniture and running into walls as they refused to unlock their lips from their messy, searing kisses.

When they finally made it into their room, Jensen pushed Jared onto the bed so that he was sprawled on his back, looking juicier than all of Jensen’s sex fantasies combined. He climbed on top of Jared and hovered over him, a glint in his eyes as he worked himself open quick and dirty. Even though Jensen had finally had a breakthrough with bottoming, it wasn’t something he did often. In fact, this was only the third time he’d done it, and by his boyfriend’s awed expression, Jared was well aware of what Jensen was offering.

He’d barely pushed three fingers in before he was withdrawing them, sinking down onto Jared slowly but surely. He vaguely wondered if his body would ever get used to the feeling of being so full, split open on Jared’s monster cock, a constant but thrilling edge of pain to his pleasure.

It took a few minutes for him to adjust, but after that he rode Jared hard, stripping his own cock frantically as Jared met his downward movements with upward thrusts of his hips. Jensen’s orgasm came quickly, the sensation of being fucked, of Jared’s cock brushing over his prostate with every shift still so new and exciting. He came almost violently, his cock spurting onto Jared’s chest. The sight of his come marking Jared yet again caused Jensen’s orgasm to be drawn out.

He felt Jared’s cock swell, pressing beautifully against his over-sensitive prostate. A moment later, Jared let out a strangled cry and he filled Jensen with hot, slick come, causing Jensen’s eyes to roll back from the prolonged, almost unbearable pleasure.

Jensen lifted himself up, letting Jared slip out of him before collapsing onto the mattress beside his boyfriend. They were a panting, sweat- and come-covered mess, and all Jensen cared about was tangling his legs with Jared’s, curling around Jared’s body, kissing his boyfriend goodnight, and drifting off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, leave a comment if you'd be interested in getting fewer/farther between updates for this fic (for awhile) in exchange for getting the sequel to When the Levee Breaks.
> 
> Also, if you're reading my current wincest wip, [Death Gives a Holiday](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10911816/chapters/24262854), I should be posting the next chapter within the next two days. And if you're not reading it, then maybe you should go do that  
> :)))


	35. Accessorize

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so. This update felt like it took FOREVER. I think I'm just getting burned out, only focusing on this fic and [my wincest wip](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10911816/chapters/24262854).
> 
> I know I say this like every time, but I really want to get back to working on the sequel in this series, as well as a shorter j2 au that has been poking at my brain the last few days. So basically, I've decided to update this fic just 1-2 times per month. There might be more, if I get extra inspired, but I promise there won't be less. And hey, that means you'll finally have a (super funny) sequel to look forward to!
> 
> Also, this chapter is twice as long as usual. So enjoy!

The weekend went like this:

_FRIDAY MORNING_

On their flight to L.A., Jensen convinced Jared that they should join the mile-high club. (Though said convincing only took about five seconds—the words “mile-high club” barely leaving his lips before Jared was up and out of his seat and pulling Jensen with him with a wicked smirk.) Unfortunately, they discovered quite quickly why the club was so…exclusive. Jensen was positive that the combined height and weight of two people trying to fuck in a commercial airplane bathroom couldn’t exceed eleven feet and three hundred pounds. Or something like that. Thus, his and Jared’s combined size of twelve and a half feet and almost four hundred pounds meant that they couldn’t even squeeze into the bathroom together well enough to get the door closed.

So they surrendered with disappointed sighs and returned to their seats, fielding curious, confused, and sometimes amused looks from fellow passengers.

The cabin was cold, colder than usual, and the first-class section was empty save for them and one other person sitting three rows in front of them and on the opposite side of the aisle. A lightbulb appeared over Jensen’s head and he leaned across the armrest into Jared’s space, whispering hotly in his boyfriend’s ear that they didn’t _need_ to be in the bathroom to make it into the club. A startled Jared didn’t even have enough time to ask for clarification before Jensen’s hand wormed its way down beneath the waistband of his jeans, the action hidden from any casual viewer courtesy of the blanket (that was courtesy of the airline, and wasn’t that just hilarious; it also made Jensen reconsider his negative views on the inflated price of flying first class). He fisted Jared’s cock, the friction dry and rough as he jacked him slowly. Jared tried to muffle a groan with his fist; apparently, he then decided that Jensen’s shoulder would work better than his hand so he leaned into Jensen and bit down sharply on the flesh as another moan tried to make its way out. Jensen hissed and his hand squeezed tightly around Jared; a few seconds later, he felt the cock swell and harden in his hand as warm, sticky wetness dribbled down over his knuckles. He lessened his hold slightly and allowed some of Jared’s come to seep in beneath his grip, slicking the way as he jacked Jared through his orgasm.

He slipped his hand out as he passed Jared some tissues that he found in the pouch in front of him. Jared surreptitiously cleaned himself off as best as possible while Jensen wiped his own hand free of his boyfriend’s release. Jared was grumbling under his breath about bossy boyfriends trying to get him arrested for public sex, then promptly fell asleep twenty seconds later with his head resting on Jensen’s shoulder and a pleased smile on his lips.

_FRIDAY EVENING_

They were lounging around Jensen’s apartment, windows open wide and the TV on low, playing some action flick that both of them had seen so many times that they weren’t even bothering to pay attention. Instead, Jensen was sprawled on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table and his fingers buried in Jared’s hair where his boyfriend’s head was resting in his lap. Jared’s body was stretched out and hogging the remaining three-fourths of the sofa.

Everything had been fine up until about a few hours ago, when Jared had started acting twitchy and subdued. Jensen just let him be at first, waiting to see if it was either something temporary that Jared would snap out of, or if he would finally talk to Jensen about whatever was bothering him. When neither happened and the clouds over Jared’s head just kept darkening, Jensen finally brought it up. For all that Jared had been practically freaking out, it ended up being good news.

Jared had an audition on Monday for a movie that would be filmed during the upcoming summer hiatus, some sort of biography of the early life and career of Thomas Kinkade. When Jensen finally worked everything out of Jared, he understood a little better. Jared was embarrassed because, even though he thought the script was decent and he’d never played that sort of role before, he was worried that other people—critics, potential future casting directors—would think it was lame.

It was a sharp reminder to Jensen just how young Jared really was. Sure, they were only a few years apart, but Jensen knew that there was a big difference between being twenty-three and twenty-eight. A lot could (and usually did) happen in those four-to-five years. Increased self-confidence was definitely one of those things.

Jensen did what he could; he offered support and praise and an objective counterpoint to Jared’s insecurities. He knew that wasn’t the only thing bothering his boyfriend, though, and eventually Jared admitted the other issue.

With flushed cheeks and stuttering words and obvious embarrassment, he confided to Jensen that he was terrified of having to paint on camera.

“Jay, it’s just _pretend_. They aren’t expecting you to reproduce a perfect replica of one of his paintings.”

“I know that, Jensen. Obviously. It’s just this weird…thing I have. I don’t like writing or drawing or doing anything like that while on camera.”

“Okaaaay…”

“And to make it worse, Kinkade was left-handed!”

“Jay…”

“No, I know it’s weird, okay? I know it doesn’t make sense. But remember when I told you last year that I didn’t like being filmed while eating?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, it’s like that. I just…feel weird doing it.”

“Okay, baby. We’ll figure it out.”

Jensen couldn’t say that he actually understood Jared’s feelings on the matter, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t _help_. And he had an idea.

_SATURDAY AFTERNOON_

Jensen returned home from his super secret run to the art supply store. Jared had gone to meet Chad for lunch; he’d asked Jensen if he wanted to join, but Jensen had begged off, insisting Jared get some alone time with his best friend. Jared had just looked at him strangely for a minute before saying, “Jen, he’s not my best friend. _You_ are.” He’d then kissed a surprised Jensen on the nose and was out the door before Jensen had even blinked.

Jensen had left the house five minutes later, a stupid grin on his face.

Everything he needed he could get at an art supply store, and he was happy to discover that the closest one to his apartment was only fifteen minutes away. L.A. was so big and spread out that a person could drive for hours and never actually leave the city. It was a huge pain in the ass, and he was kind of glad that he didn’t live here full time anymore.

Jared still wasn’t back from lunch when Jensen got home, so he went about setting up his surprise. Two easels were unfolded, on which large canvases were placed. The canvases were pre-gessoed, whatever that meant. The girl who had taken pity on a wide-eyed Jensen wandering confused through the store had assured him that that was what he wanted. She’d also pointed him in the direction of acrylic paint and brushes that didn’t cost an arm and a leg.

Jensen had gotten two of everything, and he was just finishing laying plastic on the ground under the easels—something he’d realized at the last minute that probably wouldn’t be the worst idea—when he heard the front door open and somebody trip over the doorstep.

“I’m okay!” Jared called out two seconds later, making Jensen roll his eyes and chuckle. He stood up just as Jared appeared in the doorway, pausing to survey the scene.

“Um…”

“So, I had an idea,” Jensen said cheerfully, grabbing Jared by the hand and pulling him further into the room. “You’re nervous about having to paint on camera, so we’re going to start now. You stand there,” Jensen said, leading Jared to one easel, “and I’ll be here,” he continued, walking to the second one. They were now facing each other, neither able to see what the other was painting. “We get two hours to paint, then we’ll take a break, then we’ll paint for another hour. Once we’re done, I’ll show you mine and you show me yours. _However_ ,” Jensen added, “we both have to paint with our left hands.” He smiled proudly and Jared just stared at him, open-mouthed.

“Jen, I dunno…”

“Jay. This isn’t about who can paint better. It’s just to get you comfortable with the idea. Okay?”

Jared sighed, but nodded his head and obligingly picked up a paint brush. Jensen set the timer and turned on some music and they got down to business. What Jared didn’t know, however, was that Jensen had set up a secret camera to record them painting. He was telling the truth when he said that it wasn’t about what Jared painted; he wanted to show Jared the video after that proved he looked perfectly believable as a painter. He just hoped his boyfriend didn’t get too mad.

_SATURDAY EVENING_

Jensen scratched at the label of his beer bottle nervously. Jared was sitting beside him on the couch, eerily silent as they watched Jensen’s little surprise homemade video. He studied Jared carefully, watching for any sort of reaction, but his boyfriend’s expression remained stubbornly neutral. Ten minutes in, Jensen couldn’t take it anymore, and he switched off the TV.

“Don’t be mad—” he started to say, but his plea for understanding and forgiveness was cut off abruptly when he found his lap full of oversized human puppy and his mouth occupied by said human’s tongue.

“Jare?” he managed to get out when Jared paused for a split second to take a breath, but the only answer Jensen got was another taste of his boyfriend and the sound of his shirt being ripped off.

There was an almost frantic energy about Jared, but through his haze of arousal Jensen was able to see that it was more spastic, hyper want than the sort of desperation that would be concerning. So he went with the wild, furious flow, allowing himself to be drowned by River Jared.

Their lovemaking was almost reckless, quick and eager, and the intensity allowed for a combined total of seven orgasms between them in just under two hours. It left Jensen gasping for breath and his heart racing while Jared shivered with aftershocks of pleasure even as he blinked sleepily.

“Nap time?” he slurred. Jensen didn’t try to resist dragging his fingers down Jared’s sweaty, come-covered chest.

“Nuh uh,” Jensen replied, though it was with serious regret. His boyfriend was laying here beneath him. naked and debauched and absolutely glowing. The view was better than the first time he’d hiked up to the Hollywood sign after moving to L.A. and landing an acting job. Jared had replaced Jensen’s old idea of perfect, and he’d set the bar so high that it was now laying forgotten on the moon.

“Why not?” Jared whined slightly, the sound more adorable than petulant.

“We promised to meet everyone for drinks, remember?” Jared scrunched his nose up in distaste. “Yeah, I know,” Jensen agreed with a sigh, finally removing his messy fingers from Jared’s warm skin and sliding out of bed. “But we hardly ever see them, Jay. I know they miss us. I know you miss them.”

“Fine, fine,” Jared grumbled, but there was no heat behind the complaint. He followed Jensen out of bed and into the bathroom as Jensen started up the shower. “But only if I get to join you in there.”

“Please,” Jensen scoffed, “if you didn’t ask that I’d drag you in here myself.” He flashed a smile at his boyfriend as they stepped under the water. “But no shower sex, okay?”

“What? Why not?” Jared pouted.

“Because, we gotta save something for when we get home,” Jensen said with a wink.

_SUNDAY AFTERNOON_

“ _Jared_ , I thought you said you had a blue button-up shirt?!”

The shrill voice filled Jensen’s apartment and caused his head to pound, bringing his headache to the brink of a full-blown migraine. He wanted to escape, but a bigger—and much more possessive—part of him refused to leave Sandy alone with Jared.

Sandy had come by just after lunch in order to go through Jared’s closet, making him try on a bunch of clothes while she did the same with the pile of outfits she’d brought with her. Because apparently talking about this on the phone for an hour on Thursday night wasn’t good enough.

Besides making his head throb, her continued presence in his apartment was also making Jensen see red. He could hear how stressed Jared was getting, his voice growing tighter and thinner as the minutes wore on. And whenever Jensen went in to check on them, Jared gave him a look that clearly said _Save me!_ And Jensen wanted to; oh _god_ , did he want to. But this was the situation they were stuck in, and they both knew it.

In all honesty, Jensen wasn’t quite sure what was happening. In the beginning, he’d hated Sandy, though that was primarily due to the fact that he’d been head-over-heels gone on Jared and thought that Jared was straight and taken. Once they’d cleared up that misunderstanding, Jensen had grown to enjoy Sandy’s (very occasional) presence. Well, maybe not _enjoy_ , but at least easily tolerate. Just the nature of her relationship with Jared meant that Jensen would always have a difficult time not feeling a twinge of unease whenever she was around. Regardless, he knew Sandy was a good person and that, if Jared was forced to have a fake girlfriend, Jensen was happy it was her.

Or he _had_ been happy. But sometime over the summer hiatus, something had changed. Sandy now seemed just a bit more intrusive, a hair clingier, a touch more demanding of Jared. Almost like, for some reason, she’d begun to look at their fake relationship and see it as a real one. Which made Jensen extremely nervous.

Eventually, Jensen gave up all pretenses and entered the bedroom again. He pushed a pile of clothes over to make some room for him on the clothes-strewn bed. He sat down, trying to ignore his headache and instead focusing on Jared, attempting to offer his boyfriend silent support. And if that didn’t work, he was just going to kick Sandy out.

Some dark, protective part of Jensen—one that had laid dormant until he met Jared—hoped for the latter. And if that made him a stupidly possessive, Neanderthal-type boyfriend? Well, at least he and his mate would finally be alone in their cave.

_MONDAY MORNING_

Not even an earthquake could get Jensen out of bed before eleven a.m. on his day off. But boyfriend’s audition trumped natural disaster, which was why Jensen found himself awake and sitting at the kitchen table, nursing his second cup of coffee just after ten thirty.

At five past eleven and looking into the dregs of his third cup, Jensen was seriously contemplating heading back to bed. Instead, he dragged himself up and into a quick, cool shower. He threw on a pair of sweatpants that had been hastily shoved into the dresser during the quick cleanup of the mess that Tornado Sandy had left yesterday. He was pretty sure the sweats were Jared’s, since they fell low on Jensen’s hips and the cuffs pooled at his feet. Instead of changing—or at least putting on some boxers—Jensen just shrugged and rolled the waistband twice, ensuring that he at least wouldn’t trip over the hems.

He headed back to the kitchen and rummaged around in the fridge and cupboards, trying to piece together a decent homemade lunch. Simple ham and cheese sandwiches would not suffice today; Jensen needed to go the extra mile. Because Jared would return either hyper-excited and with a new summer job or depressed and defeated at being passed over for a role that he wanted more than he was willing to admit even to himself. And if that happened, Jensen knew that it would dredge up the deepest of Jared’s deep-seated insecurities.

Basically, Jared deserved better than what would show up in a third grader’s lunch box, regardless of whether it ended up being a celebratory meal or comfort food; Jensen would worry about that once his boyfriend returned.

Since Jensen didn’t visit his L.A. place much anymore—when he had long enough breaks in filming to leave Vancouver, more often than not he would head back to Texas with Jared—so his home in California sat empty and abandoned most days of the year. He’d given keys to Steve and Chris, and they were kind enough to stop by whenever they were in town and make sure nothing had flooded or exploded.

Needless to say, Jensen knew that his kitchen would be empty save for some coffee grounds in the freezer and a box or two of pasta in the pantry. So he and Jared had made a grocery run immediately after getting into town, only stopping by Jensen’s place first to drop off their suitcases and grab his jeep from the garage. They hadn’t made a list of possible meals to make, they’d just walked down each aisle, pulling whatever off the shelf that looked appetizing.

So Jensen was surprised when he managed to dig up all the ingredients for meatball subs. Luckily, meatballs were pretty simple, one of the few things Jensen had memorized how to make, and the rest was pretty straightforward—pasta sauce and mozzarella and sandwich rolls.

He was just unwrapping the oven-warmed bread from its protective foil when the door banged open and a whirlwind whipped into the kitchen, slamming into Jensen, lifting him up and twirling him around. He swatted at Jared’s back but let out a happy laugh; obviously, his boyfriend had good news.

“You got the job?” Jensen asked after being set down and kissed breathless. In reply, Jared dragged him over to the couch, yanking Jensen’s sweatpants down before pushing him back. He stripped off his own jeans and boxers and crawled onto Jensen’s lap, grinding down wordlessly. Jensen’s brain was about three steps behind everything, still surprised at the sudden turn of events, so when Jared sank down onto his cock, sheathing him in tight heat, he shivered and clutched at Jared’s hips, grinding his teeth and trying to hold back a premature orgasm.

He didn’t need to worry, though, because it was only a good two minutes of Jared bouncing up and down on his cock before his boyfriend was clenching around him and coming hard, pulling Jensen over the edge right beside him.

It was one of the quickest fucks of Jensen’s life (not including when he’d discovered his right hand at thirteen), but nothing about it felt dirty or emotionless. It was the opposite: exhilarating and full of love; a shared celebration. Jensen was sure that it would happen a few more times before the evening’s festivities began. And since his first idea had worked out so well yesterday, he decided to go for a second one, though this one involved a lot less paint and a lot more lube, and the absolute certainty that Jared would _definitely_ be agreeable to it.

_MONDAY EVENING_

As previously decided, Jared walked the red carpet with a beaming Sandy, and Jensen followed a few people behind, trying to hide his sullen jealousy behind a strained smile. Still, he laughed to himself, seeing Jared awkwardly wrap his arm around Sandy. Jensen rolled his eyes at the supposed couple; all that drama Sandy had stirred up and Jared ended up wearing simple jeans and a white button-down, while she had on some printed green…thing. He scoffed, and he knew it was pure bitterness, but his boyfriend was walking the red carpet with somebody else, and god dammit, Jensen was allowed to be bitter.

The moment Jared stepped off the red (well, green) carpet, he checked his watch while Jensen did the same. Seven minutes. Just seven minutes, and his hands would be back on Jared, taking up their rightful place…

Who knew that seven minutes could feel like seven years? Not Jensen, which was why he found himself making a beeline for the men’s restroom just four minutes in. There was one guy standing in front of a urinal, but other than that it was empty. Jensen wasn’t surprised; the party was only just starting, and most people wouldn’t be escaping to the bathrooms for quick, anonymous fucking or snorting coke off the toilet seats until at least nine p.m.

The other occupant left, and not thirty seconds later Jared was stumbling through the door, looking thoroughly debauched. Jensen was the cause of said debauched-ness, courtesy of their pre-party activities and the “idea” he’d come up with that morning.

“Fuck,” Jared gasped, racing towards Jensen and colliding with him at full force. Jensen let out a breathless “umfph,” but Jared was already tugging him fervently into the stall furthest from the door.

The party was being held in WB’s main lot, and the building had especially nice restrooms. The stall’s walls and doors went all the way to the floor, and they were thicker than the typical cheap metal slabs that were found in most public restrooms. That meant that if someone came in within the next ten? fifteen? minutes, they might not hear anything inappropriate, and even if they did, they wouldn’t be able to see into the stall at all.

Jared slammed the door closed, making it bounce back open and almost hit him in the face. “Stupid door, just stay the hell closed,” he grumbled, shutting it again and flicking the lock. Jensen was holding back an amused laugh, but when Jared turned his dark, feral eyes on him, Jensen’s smile dropped as arousal zinged through him.

“Jay—” he started to say, but Jared interrupted him with a low growl as he pushed Jensen up against the wall and attacked his mouth.

“Fuck you,” Jared panted in between sloppy, feverish kisses. “Fuck you…for makin’ me…wear this damn thing!” Jensen broke the kiss, concerned that Jared was hurting. He was just about to ask when his mouth was once again plundered by Jared’s, and Jared pressed his whole body tight against Jensen’s, rolling his hips forward forcefully.

“Feels so fucking _good_ ,” Jared moaned, and Jensen knew he wasn’t just talking about the dry humping. With renewed vigor, Jensen flipped them around, turning Jared in the process so that his boyfriend’s front was pressed against the wall, his back arched and ass sticking out towards Jensen’s crotch. It was absolutely tantalizing, and Jensen lost any and all control.

He licked and nipped at Jared’s neck while he fumbled with his belt. “Gonna fuck you so good,” he whispered dirtily into Jared’s ear, making his boyfriend whimper and squirm. “That’s right, baby. Already all open and wet for me, aren’t ya? You like that plug in there? You like it keeping you ready for me, keeping my come in you?”

The words were nasty in the best way, the semi-public location just adding to the _wrong but so right_ mood that was wrapping around them. He pulled Jared’s open jeans down to his knees, his spread legs keeping them from going any farther. He hiked his shirt up and out of the way as Jensen made short work of his own clothes, pulling his pants down to his thighs and slipping out of his shirt.

He kissed his way down Jared’s spine, falling to his knees when he reached the pert curve of his ass. He pulled his cheeks apart slowly, a pulse of heat zipping through his body and making his cock jerk at the sight unfolding before him. Tucking snuggly against Jared’s hole was a bright green plug. Jensen’s fingers inched across smooth, pale skin until he reached the object of his fascination. He tapped lightly against the base of the plug, the small action making Jared moan filthily. Working gently, Jensen got a solid grip on the base and pulled it out slowly, less than an inch before thrusting it back in.

The noises Jared was making were perfectly obscene, the sounds of pure pleasure spilling out of his boyfriend’s pretty little mouth bringing Jensen closer and closer to the edge without a single touch. He wanted to play more, make Jared come on the plug at least twice before stuffing him full with his cock, but the (rapidly shrinking) logical part of Jensen’s brain knew that this was neither the time nor the place.

Instead, he pulled the plug completely free, watching as a small trickle of his own come dripped lazily out of Jared’s hole. He’d put that there right before they’d left for the party. He’d shown Jared the plug, nerves immediately squashed by the dark heat that flashed through Jared’s eyes when he realized what Jensen was asking. So Jensen had fucked him good then plugged him up, keeping him stretched open and wet with something even better than lube. It was all leading up to this point.

“Fuck, babe,” Jensen whispered, using his finger to push the escaping come back up into Jared’s hole, pressing in to test out how open he was. “So beautiful, so amazing, doing this for me. Love you so much.” He watched in awe as he withdrew his finger to find it coated with his own hours-old come.

“I love you too, babe,” Jared replied, sounding absolutely wrecked, “but if you don’t fuck me right now, I’m gonna push _you_ up against this wall and have my way.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Jensen growled, fingernails digging in to the flesh of Jared’s ass. Nevertheless, he couldn’t deny Jared anything, especially with his boyfriend sounding so fucked out already. He stood up, wrapped the plug in some toilet paper and placed it carefully in his pants pocket, then lined his red and leaking cock up with Jared’s hole.

The fact that he’d fucked Jared less than two hours earlier and the plug had kept him nice and open since then made Jensen hum in content as he was able to thrust into Jared in one long, quick move, not having to pause to let Jared acclimate to the intense stretch. The feeling could only be described as gloriously divine, and Jensen mumbled out a prayer of thanks to Jared and his ass.

Just as he bottomed out, there was the muffled but unmistakable sound of the main bathroom door opening and several voices growing closer, steps echoing against the tile as the newcomers entered the room. Jensen quickly pressed a palm against Jared’s open mouth, stifling the steady stream of moans that had been spilling out.

“Gotta be quiet, babe,” he whispered, then challenged Jared’s ability to do so as he rocked hips forward, miniscule but sharp thrusts in and out of his boyfriend. The movements were small but no less effective; he knew each snap of his hips inwards was pushing his cock right up against Jared’s prostate.

“That’s it, baby. Just like that. Feel good?” Jared jerked his head in an attempt to nod, nearly dislodging Jensen’s hand from his mouth. “Gotta stay quiet for me, sweetheart. Can you still breath?” Jensen asked; he didn’t want to accidentally suffocate his boyfriend, and this wasn’t some kind of choking kink. He really just needed to keep Jared from moaning too loudly, even if he did miss those gorgeous sounds. Jared nodded again, so Jensen kept his mouth covered with one hand and let the other travel down Jared’s chest.

“What me to jerk you? Or you wanna come just on my cock?” he whispered, so low the words were barely audible. Instead of answering, Jared snagged Jensen’s wandering hand and brought it up to his nipple. A full body shiver rippled through Jensen, mimicked seconds later by Jared as Jensen began flicking and pulling at the small, pink nub.

The bathroom intruders apparently hadn’t actually come in to pee, because Jensen could still hear them talking animatedly even through the thick door of their stall. He ignored them, focusing instead on the slapping sounds of skin against sticky skin, the vibrations against his palm that were coming from Jared’s mouth, a physical indication of all the indecent sounds he’d be making if they were alone. He focused on the building heat in his groin and belly, his balls pulling up tight and readying to empty another load into Jared.

He was about to slow down to stave off his impending orgasm when Jared reached back and patted frantically at Jensen’s thigh, the universal sign for tapping out. So instead, Jensen sped up his thrusts, the power of them making him bite back a grunt. Jared clenched around him and Jensen pinched his nipple tight, causing him to jerk as he came. The vise-like grip around Jensen’s cock was too much; it was always too much, never failing to wring out his own orgasm.

He tried to fuck them both through the high, but his movements were jerky and uncoordinated. All he could feel was the heat of Jared’s insides as it welcomed Jensen’s seed; the slickness as a second load of his release filled his boyfriend then dribbled out around his cock; the hot pants of breath against his hand that had gone slack against Jared’s mouth; the tremors rippling through Jared’s body as Jensen dropped a hand to his cock, prolonging his orgasm; the squeeze of Jared’s ass around him changing to rhythmic flutters, milking Jensen’s aftershocks into a second pseudo-orgasm.

Jensen gasped in surprise, his cock swelling and spurting again, which in turn caused Jared to bite down on his hand to hold back a groan as he came again as well.

The sensations were dizzying, and Jensen couldn’t support their weight anymore. He slid down, landing on his ass with a thud, still buried inside Jared who was now slumped on his lap. Jensen wiggled awkwardly until his back was supported by the wall. Jared relaxed boneless against his chest, and Jensen would have thought he’d passed out if it wasn’t for Jared’s fingers skimming absently over the bared skin of Jensen’s upper thigh.

Finally, the crowd outside exited the bathroom, leaving Jensen and Jared alone and blissfully fucked out.

“Baby,” Jensen rasped, peppering kisses on Jared’s face wherever he could reach.

“Mmm,” Jared hummed in content, and they both sat there in a daze, not bothering to check the time. Eventually, Jared broke the silence.

“You still have the plug, right?”

“Yeahhhh…” Jensen drawled.

“Well, I can’t think of a better accessory to this outfit than three of your loads in my ass,” Jared said with a smirk.

“I dunno,” Jensen replied with his own wicked grin, “you think Sandy has a sweater that would match?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments/kudos/love/the usual ♥️


	36. Whiplash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so many things I want to say but...shit. This fic is now 100k words. I have no idea how that happened. Thanks for sticking with it (and me)!
> 
> PS - I did not do a final edit on this because I just wanted to get it posted for you all. I'll go back through it within the next day, but if you see any glaring errors please let me know!

“Yo, Ackles!... Helloooooo, earth to Jensen?”

Jensen felt a presence in front of him and then heard fingers snapping in front of his face. He blinked out of his daydream and flushed when he saw Shannon’s face hovering a just a few inches away from his. He tried to meet her gaze and started to go cross-eyed before she backed up. The makeup artist stood with her hands on her hips, studying him like middle school principal who just caught him chewing gum in class.

“What?” Jensen finally asked.

“Well, I was trying to do your makeup but had to stop when you started drooling.” Jensen felt his blush crawl across his cheeks and to the tops of his ears, and he looked away in guilt and embarrassment.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, even though it was a complete lie. He’d been daydreaming about yesterday, how he and Jared had spent almost the whole day in bed, only getting up to shower (multiple times), change the sheets (because halfway through the day they already had more sweat and come stains on them than a hotel bed), and pay the delivery guy who showed up with almost sixty dollars of food.

Yeah, it was a _good_ day.

“That’s okay…if you share with the class,” Shannon said with a smirk, causing Jensen to cringe internally and wish his boyfriend was there to deflect and distract.

And just like it always happened, Jared appeared moments after Jensen silently asked for his presence.

“Jared!” Shannon said delightedly. “Maybe you can help me. Jensen here was just drooling over some obviously steamy daydream but he won’t tell me who the lucky girl is!” Jensen flinched at that, and saw Jared’s expression morph from carefree to jealous.

Before Jensen knew what was happening, Jared bit out, “Well, he was probably thinking about me. Jensen and I had a pretty amazing day yesterday, and I assume that’s what he was daydreaming about since that’s the only thing I’ve been able to think about all morning as well.” His tone was deadly serious, and Jensen’s chest clenched in fear. His breath hitched, and Jared must have noticed Jensen’s growing panic over what he’d just said.

Shannon sputtered in disbelief as Jensen stared at his boyfriend with pleading eyes. Like he was attempting to snatch the ends of a fraying rope and knot them back together, Jared seized onto Shannon’s disbelief and started laughing loudly. It probably sounded sincere to anyone besides Jensen, who could tell Jared was faking it desperately.

“Shan, I’m kidding. I have no idea what Jensen why Jensen was zoning out. He probably just hasn’t had his four cups of coffee yet,” he said casually. Shannon’s eyes flicked over to Jensen then back to Jared, but she had no reason to think Jared was lying. So after a few moments, she chuckled. Jensen released his held breath slowly, silently, as Jared added, “In fact, Kim told me that they were having issues with some of the props and that it’ll take at least two hours to sort out. So, mind if I steal Jen here and force-feed him some more caffeine?”

“Sure thing, sweetie,” Shannon replied, ushering a near-comatose Jensen out of the makeup chair and towards his boyfriend. But she didn’t know that. Nope.

Jared grabbed his elbow gently and led him out of the trailer and across the lot to his own. Once inside, he locked the door and then deposited Jensen onto the couch, pulling a bottle of water seemingly out of thin air and forcing it into Jensen’s hands.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. He crouched down in front of Jensen, placing his hands on Jensen’s thighs gingerly, like he was afraid he’d be pushed away.

“Jay,” Jensen whispered back brokenly, folding his hands in his lap to try and hide how much they were shaking. It wasn’t like they’d never discussed coming out to some of the crew, people they’d known since the beginning and trusted fully. But they hadn’t ever actually gotten to the point of making concrete plans, so Jared blurting out their secret on a jealous whim had freaked Jensen the fuck out.

“I know, Jen. God, I’m so sorry. I just…she asked who the ‘lucky girl’ was and I…I just—”

“I get it, Jay. I do,” Jensen said, and he did. In theory, at least. Because while he might turn into a stupidly possessive caveman whenever Jared’s fake girlfriend was even just mentioned, he’d never accidentally _outed_ them because of it.

“God, Jen, I know…just. Please. Please don’t…” Jared trailed off, and Jensen pinned him a stare.

“Don’t what, Jared?”

“…break up with me?” Jared squeaked. Jensen rolled his eyes and pulled his boyfriend into a crushing hug.

“You’re an idiot,” he said fondly, burying his face in Jared’s hair, letting the strands tickle his nose and tangle with his eyelashes. “No way in hell, Jay. I’m _not_ going to break up with you, not _ever_. Okay?”

“Okay,” Jared mumbled into his neck, then pressed a few sloppy kisses to his skin. Jensen felt heat pooling low in his belly as his dick stirred to life.

“Do we really have two hours?” he asked, breath hitching as Jared’s teeth dragged over the spit-wet skin of his neck. His hand slid up into Jared’s locks and he tugged sharply, an obscene moan spilling forth from Jared’s lips in response.

“Y-yeah,” Jared gasped. His cheeks were flushed with arousal and when he opened his eyes, they were pools of black with a just a hint his hazel irises in thin rings around the edges.

“Good,” Jensen growled. Jared strained forward and latched his mouth onto Jensen’s neck once again, and Jensen’s growl instantly shifted into a high keening. “Fuck,” he panted, “can’t believe how fast you get me going when you do this.” Jared pulled back and smirked wickedly, and it was like all of his insecurities from their previous conversation had just melted away.

Oh, Jen. Please. I could get you from zero to sixty to orgasm in less than two minutes if I wanted to.”

“ _Fuck_!” Jensen shivered at the prospect, the imagine that formed in his mind. “Fuck, we gotta try that sometime.”

“Mhmm. But right now…” He fisted Jensen’s shirt and yanked him off the couch, sending them both tumbling across the floor. They grappled and wrestled and tore at each other’s clothes, forgetting that they were still in Sam’s and Dean’s shirts as they ripped the shirts off. Stray buttons flew around the room as garments were tossed away just as haphazardly.

They continued twisting and rolling—as much as the small trailer would allow two six-foot-plus men to do that—until Jared finally got the upper hand and pinned Jensen beneath him. His thighs straddled Jensen’s hips and his fingers were wrapped around Jensen’s wrists, pinning them up by his head.

“Wha—whatdya want?” Jensen asked, voice already shot. He knew what he wanted right now, but with Jared, he’d always be down for anything. Nevertheless, his hips rolled up into Jared almost of their own accord, and Jared didn’t hesitate in meeting the movements with his own rocking hips.

“Wanna ride you,” Jared declared. His tone was authoritative, the best type of bossy, which made Jensen’s cock spasm and release a impressive spurt of precome. Bossy Jared always cranked up his dial; also, Jensen had been hoping for this exact scenario. Because bossy, toppy Jared riding Jensen's cock like he’d invented the phrase ‘cowboy style’? Was so fucking hot that Jensen’d be lucky if he lasted more than three minutes.

“Yes, god yes!” He got a salivating view of his boyfriend when Jared stretched back towards the couch and fumbled beneath the cushions for a hidden bottle of lube. They very rarely fooled around on set, and even more seldom did they have full-on sex, but after the first three time of attempting it with only spit and precome to ease the way, they’d relented and stashed lube discreet around both of their trailers.

“Less thinking, more watching,” Jared demanded, flicking Jensen lightly in the nose. He then snapped the cap open and dribbled lube liberally over his own fingers. “Want you to watch while I finger myself open for you,” he purred. A frisson of heat rolled through Jensen’s body and he groaned loudly.

“Fuck, baby, you’re gonna kill me.”

“But what a way to go,” Jared said. His smiled softened from wicked to tender at the long-running joke they’d started accidentally. Time froze for just a second, allowing Jensen to memorize every detail of the moment before it snapped back to action and Jared’s smile turned naughty once again.

Jared was still straddling Jensen’s hips, and he lifted off just enough to get a hand behind him. Jensen groaned, lust and want skyrocketing as he watched Jared pleasure himself without getting to see it in all of its X-rated glory.

It was ridiculously sexy, and in a way more intimate than sex itself. Watching his boyfriend touch himself without abandon was so personal, requiring a vulnerability and level of trust from Jared that Jensen knew was rarely given out.

Jensen knew, because the first few times he let Jared watch him do this, he’d ended up going limp not even halfway through.

He blinked through lust-hazy eyes, watching the emotions flicker across Jared’s face as he lifted himself up further, lined Jensen’s cock up with his hole, and sunk down smoothly. Jared didn’t even pause between burying Jensen to the hilt and rising back up again just to slide back down.

Jensen watched in wonderment as Jared bounced enthusiastically up and down on his cock, Jared’s eyes closed and his head thrown back in bliss. And just like Jensen had predicted, two minutes in and he was already digging his fingers into Jared’s hips in a futile attempt to stave off his orgasm.

“Jay,” he gasped, “so close. C’mon, babe. Come for me,” he practically begged. Jared’s rhythm faltered slightly and a moment later, his muscles tightened vise-like around Jensen’s cock as his orgasm erupted, painting Jensen’s chest with pearly white come.

As usual, the sensations along with the mouthwatering sight of Jared coming undone hurled Jensen over the edge as well. His back arched off the floor and his hips jerked up to pound relentlessly into Jared, filling his boy up and shuddering through the jolts of pleasure that followed. He relaxed back into the floor, cock still half-hard and buried in Jared’s heat. His vision grayed and he teetered on the precipice of consciousness before tumbling into the black abyss with a smile and the lingering whisper of Jared’s name on his lips.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen woke with the solid weight of Jared still resting on top of him, pushing him into the soft cushions of the couch instead of the hard floor of the trailer.

“That was nice,” he sighed in satisfaction, knowing Jared was awake without having to look. Judging by the way Jensen’s stomach was now clean and he’d been moved to the couch, Jared probably hadn’t fallen asleep at all.

“Good,” Jared replied, propping his chin on Jensen's stomach to look up. Their eyes met, but the emotions flickering through Jared’s hazel ones definitely didn’t match his answer.

“What’s wrong?” Jensen asked. Jared’s lips twitched down into a frown but he didn’t deny it.

“You’ve been in a funk lately,” he said, tracing invisible designs lightly over Jensen’s skin, making his hair stand up and goosebumps appear.

“Jay,” Jensen sighed, running his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair. Honestly, he wasn’t surprised that Jared had picked up on it, he’d just been hoping that he could snap out of it before Jared brought it up.

“You—something’s wrong, Jen. Talk to me? Please?”

God, Jensen wanted that. Wanted to let it all spill out, to drain the poison from his body, to lay his head in Jared’s lap and forget about everything else. But he couldn’t do that. For starters, what exactly was he supposed to say? ‘This episode is hard’? ‘I don’t wanna film this’? Just imagining saying those things made him feel like a whiny, ungrateful child. That alone, though, wouldn’t have completely deterred Jensen, because he knew Jared would understand. Or at the very least, not judge him for it.

No, the main thing holding Jensen back was that he couldn’t dump all of this…angst on Jared when the kid was obviously in his own funk, too. Had been for over a week now, and Jensen felt like the shittiest boyfriend alive because he hadn’t asked Jared about it yet. He’d been so preoccupied, tangled up in the mess in his head that this episode had caused.

“It’s nothing, Jay. I mean, just the usual. The last few days have been long and tiring and this episode is a heavier one. I’m just, y’know, tired. Looking forward to the weekend.”

Jared eyed him skeptically, always able to see through even Jensen’s grade-A bullshit. But he just nodded once in wordless acceptance before switching topics, and fuck if that wasn’t a huge neon warning sign. Jared not calling him out on his obvious lie meant that whatever was going on with his boyfriend was much worse than Jensen had thought.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Dean, I'm sick. It's over for me. It doesn't have to be for you.” 

“No?”

“No, you can keep going.”

“Who says I want to?”

“What?”

Jensen’s gut was roiling as he followed his pre-planned path across the room, pulling Dean’s gun out of his waistband and setting it on a file cabinet. He kept his features schooled like the consummate profession that he was, even though he was screaming inside.

“I'm tired, Sam. I'm tired of this job, this life . . . this weight on my shoulders, man. I'm tired of it.”

“So what, so you're just going to give up? You're just gonna lay down and die? Look, Dean, I know this stuff with Dad has—”

“You're wrong. It's not about Dad. I mean, part of it is, sure, but…”

“What is it about?”

There was a knock on the door and Jensen picked up his prop gun along with Jared’s. They both crossed over to the door, revealing Kat Grant who was playing Dr. Lee, here to bring the brothers good new.

“You'd better come see this,” she said. The moment was held long enough to feel awkward before Bob finally yelled cut, print, and wrap. Finally.

Jensen’s whole body was vibrating so violently that he was sure someone would notice. He mumbled something to Jared about changing real quick, then escaped from set, shuffling turning to stumbling as he closed in on the sanctuary of his trailer.

Halfway there, a thick manila envelope was pushed into his hands. Next week’s script. He tossed it on the coffee table before stripping out of Dean’s clothes and putting on his own. He contemplated “forgetting” it in his trailer, but he knew that he’d regret it coming Monday. So with great resignation, he scooped it up and headed back out into the night.

He was immensely grateful for the driver that the network had recently began supplying for him and Jared; he was so on edge that he probably would have driven them into a ditch within five minutes, while Jared was so exhausted that he fell asleep before they’d even made it past the exit gates of the studio lot.

There was no way that Jensen was going to be able to sleep with his nerves strung this tight, so he pulled out the script read through the brief episode summary on the second page. Every single word landed like a punch to his gut, and Jensen felt nauseous as he flipped frantically through the pages, scanning for key words until he found what he was looking for.

 _Fuck_ , he thought as he read through the scene. _Fuck fuck fuck_! He tried to tear his eyes away—it was so not a good time to be dealing with this—but he couldn’t stop reading. It was like watching a train crash in slow motion, except Jensen wasn’t an observer from afar; he was the damn train conductor, and he was being crushed to a pulp.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jared still hadn’t woken up when the car pulled into the driveway, so Jensen gently poked him awake and helped him wobble sleepily up to the door. Harley and Sadie were waiting with wide doggy grins and wagging tails, and Jared perked up a bit. Jensen asked him to order some food and pick out a movie while he showered, and suddenly Jared was fully awake and bounding around like he’d just slept a full eight hours instead of only forty-five minutes. Jensen hurried upstairs, his head crowded with so many thoughts he thought he might explode.

Jensen shut and locked the door first to the bedroom and then again to the bathroom. He left his clothes strewn across the floor, not even caring that the laundry basket was standing right there beside him. Nothing was working right, he was both numb and oversensitive, and everything felt foggy yet sharp as a knife.

He turned on the shower, didn’t even check the water temperature before stepping inside. It was scalding, immediately turning his skin pink, but Jensen barely registered the pinpricks of heat. He scrubbed his body mercilessly, then his face and his hair, then did it all over again. He moved more out of habit and muscle memory than actual conscious effort as his brain began to shut down. Once he was clean, he continued to stand under the water, losing track of the minutes that he hadn’t bothered to count in the first place.

At some point he sank down to the floor, his legs shaking too much to hold him upright any longer. He curled in on himself, the numbness giving way to flayed rawness. The water turned cold and Jensen continued not to care. It pounded relentless against him, around him, washing away his salty tears and muffling the wracking sobs that viciously spilled forth.

That was how Jared found him, half-frozen and half-asleep, curled into a ball and shaking fiercely under the icy spray, his eyes puffy and bloodshot but tears long since spent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you guys.


	37. Worried

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost two months since and update and I'm sorry. I wasn't originally going to break this chapter into two parts but it's been taking me so damn long to write anything so I wanted to give you guys something. Plus, updating always motivates me so yeah. Your support means the world to me.

Thanks to Jared’s unwavering emotional support and a constant internal mantra of _It’s not real, it’s all Sam and Dean, it’s not real_ , Jensen managed to make it through the filming of _Hunted_ without any more mid-shower (or completely dry) breakdowns. The following episodes were still appropriately angsty, though Jensen was used to that; it was, after all, the nature of the show.

Still, it took a turn for the easier, and it all began in the next episode with a scene where the brothers were mistaken for a gay couple on an antiquing holiday (whatever the hell that was). Jensen knew the quote, “Oh, you just look the type. So, king-sized bed?” would live on in Wincest infamy for years to come. And the next week, when everyone from the newest PA to Phil Sgriccia himself started printing out fanfiction stories (some of them so x-rated they’d make a porn star blush) and taping them up around set, Jensen started to see the upside about starring in an angst-ridden show about two brothers who were all each other had and were willing to die for each other. Especially when his on-screen brother was played by his real-life boyfriend.

Really, life wasn’t so bad.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen loved Jared to death, and he’d do anything for the kid. However, he couldn’t deny that their relationship had always carried an edge of tension. He attributed this to all the turbulence they’d encountered from the get-go. It started, of course, with Jensen angsting over his so-much-more-than-a-crush on Jared while thinking his costar was straight and taken. It continued with a drunken binge, dehydration, and a hospital visit; Jared’s confession of his limited sexual experience due to the assault attempt; then, it was quickly followed by Jensen being roofied and almost raped. And that was only the first nine months.

Jensen had never noticed this tension before, most likely because it had always been there and he was used to it. But when Jared’s behavior changed drastically—practically overnight—Jensen finally recognized what had been there all along. Obviously, he needed to figure out a way to break that tension once and for all, and before his boyfriend completely self-destructed.

They were filming Tall Tales, a fantastic episode, in Jensen’s opinion. It was all humor and brothers bickering, and it was a breath of fresh air in the suffocating sandstorm that was season two. But this week, set was light-hearted and everyone was in a good mood. Scenes were easy to nail down which meant that they’d been able to finish a few hours earlier than planned the last three days. This resulted in a rare phenomenon where, when they got home, they actually had time to kick back, relax, and _do_ _something_ besides hastily shoveling down dinner—usually takeout—before falling asleep halfway through a movie neither of them actually cared much about.

So Jensen was a little disappointed when, not two minutes after getting home, Jared headed right back outside in sweats and running shoes, offering Jensen a quick _see ya in a bit_ before taking off down the street in a blur. To make matters worse, when Jared finally got back from his run _almost two hours later_ , he went straight for their garage gym. Every ten minutes, Jensen found himself wandering over to linger right outside the door, hand on the doorknob, ready to bust inside. He wasn’t sure if it was to angrily demand answers for Jared’s strange turn of behavior or to greedily ravish Jared’s body with his tongue, licking off the salty sweat and ripping off his clothes while reminding his boyfriend (in vivid detail) of _other_ activities that would give him just as thorough a workout. Something always held Jensen back, though, and after fifty-six minutes of alternating between glaring at the clock and glaring at the closed garage door, hoping to spontaneously develop x-ray vision so he could see into the room without moving from his rigid position sitting on the hallway floor (he’d also be amenable to laser vision to blast holes in the door so that Jared would notice his frustration), he finally decided to distract himself by making dinner.

On their first day of filming the new episode, they’d finished the day at an astonishing five hours ahead of schedule. So while Jared had remained on set for an extra forty minutes for some sound work, Jensen had stopped by the grocery store on the way home to pick up some food that was more than just candy and crackers and beer. He’d been operating on the exhilaration of finishing early and the hope that the rest of the week would be the same.

Now, as Jensen pulled out fresh chicken breasts and asparagus from the fridge, he was glad he’d taken that gamble. The chicken was pre-marinated (because Jensen wasn’t _that_ ambitious) but it smelled good as he popped it in the oven and it began to bake.

When five minutes were left on the timer, Jensen practically stomped to the garage and threw the door open with enough force that it banged loudly against the wall, the sound reverberating through the room and causing Jared to stop midway through a pullup.

“Jen?” he asked, dropping down from the bar and landing light and soundless.

He snagged a hand towel out of nowhere and wiped at his face. Jensen thought it looked like an exercise in futility, as Jared was almost very literally sweating buckets. The towel was soaked through before Jared was able to completely dry his face and chest, and he looked at it forlornly. The expression was so innocent, a little pout turning his lips down and his eyebrows scrunching together, and Jensen’s irritation evaporated instantly. He sighed and leaned against the door frame, feeling a fond smile form as he surveyed his boyfriend.

“Dinner’s ready,” he said eventually, breaking the silence. Jared jumped, turning towards Jensen as a rosy flush that had nothing to do with his workout stained his cheeks. He’d undoubtedly forgotten that Jensen was there, too focused on muttering to himself about too-small towels and overactive sweat glands, and the utter adorableness of the scene pushed away any hurt Jensen might have felt for his sudden appearance being overlooked so quickly.

“C’mon,” Jensen urged, turning and heading back towards the kitchen. He glanced behind him to see Jared trotting eagerly after him. Clearly, whatever had been bothering his boyfriend enough to require a three-hour workout was forgotten in the face of a homecooked meal.

Jensen chuckled to himself, because _of course_ his boyfriend would live up to the age-old adage of _the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach_.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If Jensen had thought that that day had been an anomaly, three weeks later when Jared hadn’t even once dug into his morning candy stash in the hair and makeup trailer for the nineteenth day in a row proved how wrong Jensen was.

After replaying the last few weeks in his head, he realized that the uncharacteristic avoidance of sweets and the endless workouts weren’t the only changes in Jared. Jensen felt a little guilty at first that he hadn’t noticed how different his boyfriend was behaving, but as he continued to roll it over in his mind, the guilt dispelled slightly. Because during lunches on set, Jared would distract Jensen either with a new video game that they “just _had_ to try” or by suggesting they eat with the crew so that they didn’t start to “come off as divas”. Not that Jensen felt like they were in danger of that second one happening, but still, he didn’t want to take the chance, and Jared was definitely better at reading people than he was.

And whenever they got home and Jared disappeared for hours, returning sweaty and sore and exhausted (and not in the fun way that involved Jensen and nudity), he would beg of from Jensen’s questioning looks with the excuse of needing to shower or memorize lines. And when that didn’t work, Jared played the sex card, and so what if Jensen couldn’t exactly think straight after being sucked and then ridden, resulting in two mind-blowing orgasms?

So yes, maybe Jensen should have recognized all these warning signs before now, but as well as he knew his boyfriend, Jared knew Jensen just the same, which apparently meant he knew exactly how to manipulate and distract Jensen into overlooking his new habits.

Not to mention, when Jared was present and engaged with Jensen, he didn’t seem to be in the throes of a nervous breakdown or something. Sure, he got a little cagey and sort of nervous whenever they wandered into the territory of what the next few episodes might be about, but other that those times, he was his usual loud, goofy, loveable self.

It was the other stuff. The cookies and ice cream magically making their way into the kitchen trash can, containers still full. The plastic tub full of Jared’s favorite rainbow ribbon candy no longer settled in his lap every morning while Jeannie brushed his hair. The number of styrofoam containers that he filled for lunch dwindling from four to two, and then to one, and that was usually mostly salad—no dressing. Jensen collecting their beer bottles after watching a movie before heading to bed and finding Jared’s barely touched, probably no more than two sips taken from it. The sudden stark outline of ribs above Jared’s six-pack abs and his sharp hipbones looking more painful than sexy.

Jensen tried not to speculate and jump to conclusions before he talked to Jared about what was going on. There was one thing he was sure of, though.

Drama had a damn relentless obsession with them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

By the end of the fifth week, Jensen couldn’t ignore it any longer. More specifically, he couldn’t _pretend_ to ignore it any longer. Especially because, after their two-week break of filming after Tall Tales, they were back on set and back to the long, tiring hours. And yet, Jared’s new routine hadn’t slowed. If anything, it had intensified, and Jensen could see not just the physical but also the mental effects it was now taking on his boyfriend.

Jared’s clothes hung looser on him even as his muscles seemed to grow impossibly defined beneath his baggy jeans and oversized hoodies. Well, what few muscles Jensen could still see. Because he hadn’t even seen Jared _shirtless_ in two weeks, let alone completely _naked_. They’d stopped showering together, stopped having sex, stopped any activities that would reveal more skin than forearms and bare toes.

Jared started to shy away from Jensen’s touch, which wasn’t just worrisome to Jensen, it was hurtful. Jared had always been extremely tactile, oftentimes walking the fine line of being inappropriately handsy in public. But now, Jensen felt like a touch-starved man trying to survive on quick pats on his back and unintentional brushes of shoulders as they ran through scene after scene. Hell, _Dean_ was getting more action from his _brother_ than _Jensen_ was getting from his _boyfriend_.

Obviously, that wasn’t all Jensen cared about. After the first few weeks, when Jared had begun to withdraw physically, he did so mentally as well. They still spent their free time (when Jared wasn’t working out) together, and they talked as much as usual, but those conversations had become paper-thin. They felt like conversations Jensen would have with an acquaintance at a network event, not the person he was in love with. Not the person who’d jokingly complain when Jensen’s feet landed in his lap at the end of a long day yet would proceed to rub those feet for the next hour then ask for nothing in return. Not the person who knew instinctively when Jensen was having those days where social interaction made him twitchy and anxious, and Jared would deflect any attention from Jensen that wasn’t absolutely necessary. Not the person who, once upon a time, had called Jensen out (very gently) on his guardedness and hesitancy to share anything meaningful. Not the person who had cared enough to ask Jensen for not just his _whats_ but his _whys_.

Jensen missed that person, and Jared deserved to be more than the two-dimensional version of himself that he was becoming.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Jay.” Jensen moved in front of the door, blocking Jared from escaping for his early (god, _so fucking early_ ) morning run. Jared stopped short, a look of shock on his face, though Jensen didn’t know if it was caused by his sharp tone or the fact that he was actually awake (sort of) and out of bed a before sunrise on their day off. “We need to talk.”

“Can’t it wait ‘til after my run?” Jared asked, hopping from foot to foot and bring his knees up high like, well, like a runner warming up for a run. Except Jensen could see through the display, past the pageantry and straight to the hyper anxiety, the restlessness, the…fear.

“No, Jay. Look, we don’t have to go in to work today, so let’s talk now and then you can disappear for four hours to work out after,” Jensen said, a thread of bitter venom in his voice that he hadn’t intended. Apparently, he was a lot more upset than he’d let himself realize.

Jared took a step back, arms crossing defensively as hurt and then anger flashed across his face. “Fine,” he spat out. He turned and stomped over to the couch, then at the last second veered towards the armchair and sat down heavily in it, his implication clear: _I don’t want to be near you right now_.

Jensen ignored the _Stay the fuck back!_ radiating from his boyfriend and settled on the edge of the coffee table right in front of Jared so that only a few inches of air separated their knees. Jared huffed but didn’t pull back, which Jensen decided to take as a good sign. See? He could play the optimist on occasion.

They stared each other down for a minute, Jensen attempting to arrange his features in an expression of love and concern and ‘this is a safe space’. “What’s going on?” he finally asked, careful to keep his voice soft and non-confrontational. Well, as non-confrontational as that question in this situation could be.

Jared, for his part, at least didn’t pretend not to know what Jensen was referring to when he answered, “I’m just trying to get in shape.” It was a ludicrous answer, and they both knew it.

“Jay,” Jensen sighed, treading carefully because he wasn’t sure how serious of a territory he was about to delve into, “the first time I saw you naked, all I could think was that you could give a Greek god a run for his money with how unbelievable hot you are. Plus,” Jensen barreled on, now that he was on a roll, “spending five hours a day working out? Changing your diet to lettuce, grilled chicken, and water? That’s more than just ‘getting in shape.’” Jared shrugged and averted his eyes but didn’t deny it.

The room was silent save for the snuffling noises made by sleeping dogs, and Jensen was about to push again when Jared whimpered and whispered, “I have to do a sex scene.” He winced at the admission, pulling his feet up onto the chair and folding in on himself.

Jensen did his best to contain his sigh of relief; he knew this was a big deal to Jared, a big deal in general, but with the way his boyfriend had been acting, Jensen had started to imagine much, _much_ worse scenarios. Because if Jared was having an honest-to-god nervous breakdown, or had developed an eating disorder, or… Well, Jensen would’ve been at a complete loss. But embarrassment and anxiety over having to fake sex in front of a bunch of people while being filmed? _That_ , he could deal with.

“So, all the extra-long workouts? That was because you’re nervous about being shirtless?” Jensen asked. Jared nodded. “But Jay, you’ve filmed shirtless scenes before,” he reminded him gently. Jared snorted.

“This is different, and you know it.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know,” Jensen admitted. He thought back to his own sex scene from season one, the racist ghost truck episode. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and Jensen could understand where Jared’s nerves were coming from. He just didn’t understand why it was so…severe.

“Talk to me, babe. I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong,” he pleaded.

“It feels wrong,” Jared admitted, finally looking up and meeting Jensen’s eyes. “It feels wrong to – to share that with people, with strangers, with anyone who isn’t _you_. Even if it’s not real, and everyone _knows_ it’s not real, _it still feels wrong_.”

Jensen was up off the coffee table in a flash, hauling Jared out of the armchair and enveloping him in a bear hug.

“I love you,” he whispered, face buried in Jared’s shaggy hair causing his words to sound muffled. “ _I. Love. You_ ,” he repeated, stressing every word. “And…I think I know how to help.”

The idea had appeared as if by magic, and Jensen thanked the universe for its helpfulness and good timing. For once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said that there would be less angst and I promise that that is still the case.
> 
> Comments? Also, I don't think I've asked this before but if there's something you'd like to see happen or addressed, leave it in the comments! If I'm really going to be writing this story all the way up to the beginning of When the Levee Breaks, I'll need a shit ton of material.


	38. Acting 101

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not long but I needed to get back in the groove. Sorry for the wait :/

“You might not like this, but I promise there’s a point to it,” Jensen said, walking into their bedroom and holding out a digital recorder.

“Oh god, I’m scared to even ask,” Jared said. He was undressed and about to slide his boxers off but froze when he saw what Jensen was holding.

“Look,” Jensen said, tone light so as not to freak out his boyfriend, “we’ll just do it once, and then delete it after we’ve listened to it.”

“Do what once?” Jared asked, apprehension clear in his expression.

“Um…record ourselves having sex.” Jensen really doubted that Jared would go for the idea, but there really _was_ a purpose to it. He had a plan. But he needed Jared’s permission first. When Jared didn’t respond, just stood there in shock, Jensen pressed on. “It’s to help you with the sex scene in the next episode. We record ourselves having sex, then listen to it afterwards so that we know what you, y’know, sound like during it. That way, you can play Sam with completely different sex noises. It’ll remind you during the scene that it’s all fake, plus you won’t feel like you’re revealing anything private between us.”

“That…actually isn’t a bad idea,” Jared finally said. Jensen beamed.

“Well, let’s not waste any time,” Jensen said, starting the recorder before scrambling out of his clothes and diving into bed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Apparently, being recorded having sex turned Jared on a whole lot, because when they finally managed to drag themselves out of bed, into the shower, and downstairs to review the tape, they had over three hours of material to study.

“Oh my god,” Jared groaned, pinking up immediately as the first dirty words spilled from the recording. And god, the filth they whispered to each other, Jensen hadn’t ever really realized while in the moment…it was like fire in his veins. Yet however badly Jared was blushing, Jensen could feel his own cheeks heating up just the same.

“I’m really glad you made me come three times, otherwise I’d be all over your ass again right now,” Jensen said roughly. Jared made a noise somewhere between amusement and approval.

“Good thing we live in a house,” he murmured as their voices grew louder. Jensen just started laughing and Jared joined in a few moments later.

It was all ridiculous, if he thought too much about it. But ridiculous in the best way. He lived with his boyfriend, whom he also worked with, doing his dream job, which they dealt with by recording themselves having sex.

He realized, in a sudden, intense flash, that no matter what shit he and Jared would inevitably end up slogging through in the future, it would always be worth it.

Always.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“I feel absolutely ridiculous,” Jared muttered. He was gripping a notebook tightly and scanning the handwritten notes on the open page, notes that had been taken during multiple listenings of their sex recording.

“It’s not like we’re gonna make copies and plaster them all over set,” Jensen replied with a twitch of his mouth. Jared huffed out a sigh, but Jensen could hear the amusement underneath.

“I know. It’s just kinda weird, don’t you think?”

“Who cares? If it helps you deal with this scene, that’s all that matters.

“You’re too good to me,” Jared whispered hotly in Jensen’s ear, causing Jensen to flush and look around at their surroundings.

They were on a closed set, just a handful of other people walking around: Kim Manners, who was directing this episode (which Jensen was really grateful for, as he knew having a new director would just make Jared even more nervous); a couple of crewmembers; Jeannie and Shannon for hair and makeup; and Emmanuelle, the actress who played Madison aka the werewolf aka Jared’s steamy scene partner. Jensen had to make a conscious effort all week not to give her the cold shoulder just because she was playing Jared’s (temporary, Jensen reminded himself, _temporary_ ) love interest.

“You sure you want me here for this?” Jensen asked for the fiftieth time that day.

“As long as you don’t want to be dragged back here by your balls,” Jared growled. Jensen laughed, quick and loud.

“Noted. Need anything before this starts?”

“A kiss?” Jared asked, turning to face Jensen directly. Jensen immediately pushed Jared back into the shadows and claimed his mouth in a searing kiss.

“You never have to ask for that,” he whispered, his lips forming the words against Jared’s own. “Those will always be freely given.”

“Thank you,” Jared murmured, and Jensen knew it went deeper than the kiss; it was all the help and support Jensen had offered Jared this week, going out of his way to think of unique ways to help ease Jared’s mind when a call to his acting coach had yielded no results.

_“Look, Shawn, I just need a little extra, um…” Jared trailed off and looked at Jensen, obviously at a loss for words as to his uneasiness at the upcoming sex scene. Jensen shrugged silently. They were on speaker phone with Jared’s acting coach, but Shawn didn’t know that Jensen was in the room and could hear everything._

_“A little extra what?” Shawn asked after a minute of awkward silence._

_“I have a sex scene coming up, it’s my first one on the show and I’m a little nervous,” Jared rushed out in one long breath._

_“C’mon, Jared, that’s acting one-oh-one.” Shawn’s reply had Jensen wrinkling his nose and glaring in the direction of the phone. Jared snorted out a laugh at Jensen’s expression but quickly schooled it into a cough._

_“Doesn’t really make me any less nervous, Shawn,” Jared said sharply._

_“Honestly, Jared, the camera angles, lighting, and wardrobe will do most of the work,” Shawn said, sounding almost bored._

_“What wardrobe?! I’ll be naked!”_

_“Exactly! When viewers see two seemingly-naked actors grinding up on each other, that’s usually good enough for them. Don’t worry about it, you’ll be fine. Look, I’m sorry but I gotta jet, I’ve got a meeting.”_

_“Wait, but—” Jared started to say, then was cut of by the sound of Shawn disconnecting the call. “Bastard,” he grunted, snapping his own phone shut forcefully._

_“I think you should fire your acting coach,” Jensen said lightly. Jared just groaned and flopped down on the coach, and Jensen knew it was time for him to step up and figure out a way to help his boyfriend._

Jared handed Jensen the notebook and made his way towards the bedroom set when Kim beckoned him forward. He shucked his robe off, revealing tight shorts that rode low on his hips. Jensen licked his lips and wondered if he’d be able to convince Jared to wear those (and only those) shorts around the house for a day.

He shook his head to clear his (totally hot) daydream and could see just how hard Jared was working to conceal his trepidation, the tense muscles of his shoulders and the slight shaking of his hands that probably only Jensen noticed. He glanced backwards, and Jensen smiled sweetly and offered a thumbs up.

 _You can do this_ , he mouthed, and Jared nodded his head sharply, a look of determination on his face that hadn’t been there before.

They’d already filmed the ‘makeout while ripping each other’s clothes off’ scene, so now they were moving onto the bed. Jared was almost noiseless, the complete opposite of what he was like in his and Jensen’s bedroom. The cameramen were close, and Jensen saw Jared grimace at one point, but managed to play it off as just an intense bedroom expression. Jensen knew that at first, Jared would be anxious with the cameras so close, but it actually really helped in keeping everything feeling very fake.

They did three surprisingly short takes, and then Kim was calling cut and saying that they got everything they needed.

Jared shot off the bed like a rocket and was back into his robe in record time, practically tripping in his haste to get away from all the lights and attention. He slammed into Jensen, clinging to his shoulders. Jensen wrapped him in his arms and sunk back into the shadows again, replacing the feel of the actress’s body against Jared’s with that of his own.

“That sucked,” Jared whispered, his voice a little shaky. But his eyes were clear and his cheeks were only slightly pink.

“Well then,” Jensen said, “how ‘bout I make you forget all about it?”

“Oh, god,” Jared whimpered, his voice still shaky, this time with arousal. “Let me just go change—”

“Oh _hell_ no,” Jensen growled, “you look _way_ too good in those booty shorts for me not to ruin them!”

Jared yelped as Jensen spanked his ass then picked him up in a fireman’s carry and slunk out of the building and towards his trailer, Jared’s cocking growing hard almost immediately against his shoulder.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“You weren’t kidding about ruining these,” Jared said, holding up the shorts he’d been wearing. They were now ripped in multiple places and damp with saliva and come.

“Mmm,” Jensen moaned, sated. “Think wardrobe can fix ‘em?” Jared turned bright red.

“Jensen. You are _not_ taking these back to Diane!”

“Please. She’d just laugh. You know she has a bet going with Jeannie about how long it’ll take us to come out to the crew?”

“Jen, weren’t you the one that completely freaked out a couple of months ago when I almost outed us to Shannon?”

“Yeah…” Jensen shrugged. “Things change.”

“You mean…”

“Yeah, Jay,” Jensen said, pulling Jared back towards the bed until he landed on top of Jensen with an “oomphf!” “I wanna come out to everyone before the season is over.”

Jared looked at him long and hard, apparently deciding that he liked what he saw in Jensen’s eyes because a moment later Jensen’s mouth was under the best kind of attack.

“I love you,” Jared said, dipping back down to kiss Jensen then pulling up quickly to repeat himself. “I love you, I love you, I love you!”

Jensen giggled as Jared’s kisses dropped in a swirling pattern down his chest to his ticklish sides. “Maybe Sam should have sex scenes more often!” he gasped in between breaths. Jared paused to look up at him with a wicked smirk.

“Only if we can convince Kripke to have them be with Dean.”


	39. Out(ish)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after much thought, I've decided to end this story here. However, I will come back to it in a part 2 (hence why I re-titled it part 1). Honestly, having it so open-ended was starting to cause some serious anxiety. Every time I went to write one of the sequels for this verse, I felt guilty and like I needed to be updating this story first instead. Having it sitting here perpetually unfinished was driving me crazy. Now I'm at peace and all that shit, and I can finally get back to writing the first sequel. I do have a few random things written already for when I come back to this story, but I need a change of pace.
> 
> Also, spoilers (not really): the first sequel is titled Misty Mountain Hop, and it will mainly take place during the boys filming the Supernatural movie. It's going to be lots of fun times and hijinks and road tripping across the USofA. Get excited!

It was the stupidest thing, really.

See, it had taken Jensen almost two years to finally sack up to the idea of coming out to their coworkers. And then, it took another two months for him to actually go from telling Jared that he was ready to actually, well, _being_ ready.

And then their plans went to hell in a handbasket.

Here was what happened:

The next two months passed by, and Jensen was surprised by how smoothly everything was going. They were just about to start filming the two-episode finale, and he knew it was going to be hard on him. But he felt prepared, and he had the best support possible: Jared.

Besides, he was just a bit distracted by another big change about to happen in his and Jared’s life together.

“We definitely need to talk to Eric first,” Jared said. “Twenty bucks says he’ll have everyone signing NDAs before the end of the day.”

“Fifty bucks says he’ll already have them drafted up because he’s known about us since last year,” Jensen replied, surprised that he could actually laugh about this now instead of freaking out.

“I’m not stupid enough to take that bet. I know you’d win,” Jared said. “So, you want to do the honors?” He held out his cell, Eric’s number pulled up on the call screen.

Jensen nodded, then hesitated. “You sure we shouldn’t talk to him in person?” They looked at each other, Jared chewing thoughtfully on his bottom lip as Jensen unconsciously mirrored the action.

“I mean, he’s pretty busy…” Jared trailed off. He shrugged. “Guess we could see if he’ll be in town this week, but we’re kinda running out of time if we want to do this before hiatus.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“For what?”

“It’s my fault we waited so long,” Jensen admitted. After all, he’d told Jared _months_ ago that he was ready to break the news to their colleagues, yet he’d made no further move to do so.

“Jen, _don’t_. It’s fine. It’s not like I expected you to throw a coming out party for us the day after you decided you were okay with us telling the crew.”

“Jare—”

“Jen. Shut up! It’s fine.” Jared’s smile and the twinkle in his eyes softened his words. He crept over the couch towards Jensen and crawled into his lap, arranging his long legs so that they were splayed on either side of Jensen’s hips and caught Jensen’s attention with a heated kiss.

The fucker knew exactly what he was doing, had perfected the act of distracting Jensen with his lips over the last two years, so Jensen didn’t even register Jared reaching into his track pants to pull out his cock while slipping his own sweatpants down over the swell of his ass, lifting his hips up, then immediately settling himself back down on Jensen’s lap, making sure his ass was positioned right over Jensen’s very awake and drooling dick.

“Jay!” Jensen gasped out as he slid into Jared with surprisingly minimal resistance. His brain short-circuited, and it took a full minute of Jared riding Jensen slowly before his mind rebooted and his thoughts came back online. Which was when he remembered fucking Jared open and wet just hours earlier, and he silently thanked any deity listening for the butt plug Jared had worked inside himself after their first round.

“Mmm,” Jared moaned, keeping his pace slow enough to drive Jensen into a lust-fueled, desperate, pleading mess for the next thirty minutes.

His phone lay forgotten on the couch. And eventually, when Jensen snapped and flipped their bodies around so that Jared was underneath him and he began pounding into his boyfriend, his phone got wedged in between the cushions. He would have remembered, but their mingled cries of ecstasy drove all thoughts of little bald men and boring nondisclosure agreements from Jensen’s mind.

So yeah. Jared was good at distracting Jensen. And Jensen couldn’t find his phone the rest of the night. (Okay, and maybe he didn’t even really look because he was busy getting Jared off another three times in between convincing the totally well-meaning but utterly hopeless kid that tonight was _not_ the night for Jared to try to recreate that one buffalo ranch stuffed peppers recipe he’d seen on Top Chef by kindly reminding Jared that he should try to master cooking plain pasta first.)

Somehow, though, in his pre-coffee haze the next morning, Jensen managed to locate his (now-dead) phone buried in the couch cushions right before Jared pushed an extra-large travel mug into his hands and dragged him out the door to the car waiting to take them to set.

Jensen really fucking hated four a.m. call times.

It took him approximately forty-four ounces of coffee and twenty-one minutes of blankly staring at his still-dead phone in his lap to remember their plans to call Kripke yesterday. Plans that very much did not come to fruition.

“Fuck,” he groaned, startling Jared out of his own half-asleep trance.

“It’s never a good sign when your first intelligible sentence of the morning is comprised of a single four-letter word,” Jared said. Jensen just grunted—seriously, he still had at least another ten ounces of coffee left in his mug—and leaned across the middle seat to fall into Jared’s side.

“Still not quite there, huh?” Jared asked. _Please_ , as if _he_ was doing any better than Jensen. Jared probably didn’t even realize that he’d closed his eyes sometime around Jensen’s grunt and had yet to open them again. Not that Jensen was judging. Nope. In fact, he was pretty sure that that was the best idea Jared had had all week, so Jensen chugged the rest of his coffee and then closed his eyes as well.

And that whole ‘stupidest thing’?

Okay, so Jared’s ass was tight and perky and Jensen was a slave to it. It was the cause of many burned dinners forgotten in the oven and sleepless nights that left them almost zombie-like the next day at work.

One more thing that Jensen could now add to the ‘blame it on Jared’s ass’ list: coming out unexpectedly on set surrounded by at least thirty crewpeople.

Indirect blame, of course. Not like Jensen got all riled up and jumped Jared in the middle of a scene (though there had been more than a few close calls.) No, it was Jared’s stupidly pert ass that made them forget to call Kripke, which meant they still hadn’t had a chance to talk to the showrunner about what was going on, which meant Kripke hadn’t yet sent out NDAs for everyone to sign.

It really was the stupidest thing, because when Jared slipped and fell and his head made the most sickeningly cracking sound on the cement floor, it had nothing to do with a stunt.

It was the stupidest thing, because Jared had literally looked down at his shoelace that’d come untied and said, “I need to tie that before I trip,” and then a second later Jensen was watching a red oak being felled in slow motion. By a glorified string.

And hell, it wasn’t like Jared had never tripped and fallen before. It was a weekly occurrence. Honestly, Jensen was still trying to figure out if the klutziness was due to the height or if Jared had already been spastic and the sudden and continuous growth spurt over the last seven years just exacerbated the problem. So really, Jared falling was nothing new.

It was the sound of skull on concrete that made Jensen want to vomit. He didn’t; instead, he freaked the fuck out.

“ _Jared!_ Holy shit, Jay! Hey, talk to me. You okay? Jared?!” Jensen's knees were throbbing from where he’d crashed to the ground next to Jared’s prone body, and his hands were busy running up and down Jared’s torso like the floor had been the perpetrator in some heinous assault and battery.

But when Jared’s eyes blinked open, they were surprisingly haze-free as he reassured Jensen that he was fine. And then the fucker started laughing.

“Jen, it’s okay, I think my skull is made of solid diamond or something,” he chuckled, and Jensen could only punch him in the shoulder for scaring the shit out of him, and then lean down and kiss him for good measure.

The kiss shut Jared up immediately, which Jensen was more than fine with. It gave him more room to work his lips over Jared’s. But then—

“Uh, Jen?” Jared mumbled.

“Hmm?”

“We’re still on set…” Jensen froze, his mouth sloppy and wet against Jared’s jaw. He closed his eyes, drew in a deep breath, then peeked up to see just how big of an audience they’d garnered. It was, of course, more or less everyone currently on set.

They were all frozen, staring at the newly-outed pair.

“Fuck,” Jensen groaned, flopping down into a heap on the floor next to his boyfriend. “Take a picture, why dontcha? It’ll last longer!” he called out, then slapped his hands over his face as Jared started cracking up.

“I fucking hate all of you,” Jensen grumbled, then rolled into Jared’s side and decided that he totally deserved a nap right about now.

Of course, Eric thought differently, and five minutes later Jensen found himself seated in Eric’s office right beside his boyfriend-slash-total-traitor.

“So,” Eric said, “this is exciting.” He didn’t actually look very excited, which was kind of unsettling. Not because Jensen was worried that Eric would be mad; it was more because Eric usually carried the air of being permanently high on cocaine.

“Surprise?” Jared tried, smiley crookedly. Eric just snorted and dragged his hand down his face.

“You’re lucky I had everyone start signing NDAs last year,” he finally said.

“What?” Jensen yelped. “What—how—why?”

“Oh please, you two are less subtle than a fucking armored tank! And I owe Kim fifty bucks.”

“You were betting on us?” Jensen’s voice had creeped up to soprano region.

“Just on how long it’d take you two to slip up on set,” Eric said matter-of-factly. Like _that_ somehow made it better.

“And, uh. Who all was in on this?” Jared asked. He didn’t look nearly as amused now.

“Oh, pretty much everyone,” Eric said, then began listing off names. And yeah, it really was pretty much everyone.

“Can I sue for inappropriate workplace conduct?” Jensen asked. He made sure to pout extra hard while he did.

“C’mon,” Jared said with a roll of his eyes. He dragged Jensen up off the chair and out of Eric’s office. “Hmm, you look too delicious when you get all pouty like that,” he murmured, pressing Jensen up against the wall right outside the office door and kissing his frown away.

People walked past, but Jensen was too occupied with Jared’s mouth to notice.

Because Jared’s mouth was fucking heaven on Earth, and Jensen was busy worshipping the holy kingdom.

Season three was going to be fucking _fantastic_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and kudos-ing and especially leaving your wonderful comments. I hope I've done the first two years of J2 on this show justice, and that you are as excited for the next installment in this verse as I am.
> 
> As usual, comments and kudos make my world go round. And if you have anything you'd really like to see in the upcoming sequel, just let me know right down below.
> 
> Love you all to the ends of the earth.
> 
> Anna


End file.
